Long-term Relationship Issues - Advice?
TwistedMiss
Semo-Regulars
No idea if any of the old crowd have returned to this new incarnation of Totse, but I started hanging around on the boards a few years before the site shut down - pretty pleased that it's made it's way back in some way/shape/form. To the point, and my apologies for the long post. Cliff notes at the bottom.
I've been with my partner for 4 1/2 years now (yes, I said years), through a lot of ups and downs and all that cliche. For clarity's sake, breaking up with him isn't what I want or something that I'll consider. But it seems like we've kind of reached a point in life where our lives, our "timelines" don't match up, and it's getting to me. If anyone has been in this situation or has any advice to offer, I'd really appreciate it. Some filler information;
The short version is that in the past 4 years, I've graduated high school, had several jobs to build some savings, am about to finish my university degree and start full time work. I know that I'll be renting and travelling and not doing anything too hardcore for the next year or two, but eventually I'd like to do all those "normal" things, like owning a home etc. I come from a very involved and supportive family and I'm extremely lucky in that aspect.
My boyfriend, not so lucky. He has gone through a drawn out and unfortunate family breakdown. His mother passed away when he was quite young, his father has always been very uninvolved and distant, and in the last few years has managed to remarry to a total harpy, throw my boyfriend and his sister out of home claiming that he would help support them, then cut them off after about 2 months, plus other stuff in between. Coupled with some other stuff that we've been through (medical issues with me and one particularly rough patch between us), the BF has had some hard stuff to deal with since we've been together. His family situation in part caused him to dropout of uni, he also struggled for a long time to find a job, and wasn't able to get his drivers licence purely because there was no one to teach him. But: If the only reason he hadn't done all these things was because of the family and personal issues I could forgive him that. Partly though, it is just because he was lazy - I won't go into detail unless anyone wants it, because this is long enough already, but his situation is at least partly his own fault.
So. The issue: I've found myself increasingly resentful of the situation he is in, and that he's put me in. I often have to push him into taking any kind of action and he is extremely passive about the situation he's in. If I was in his shoes (bills to pay, etc) I'd be tearing my hair out from the panic of having to try and get everything done, and would be working my ass off to try and manage. He has become more motivated now that he's out of the bad family situation, but he still needs so much prompting to do so many things, and I hate that I feel like I'm bitching and moaning at him to try and get him to try and keep his life together.
I do it because I care and short of doing it for him (which also isn't a solution), it's the only way I can help him. I've done my best to be supportive, helpful and patient but after so many years of him being stuck in this rut, which was once justifiable but is becoming less so every day, I resent that it feels like I have to manage my life, and half the time, his life as well. It may not be right but it's how I'm feeling. Add to that, that I have things I want to do in the next few years that he just won't be able to do because he'll be studying or just trying to support himself, it's difficult to see how its all going to fit together, and I don't want to miss out on things in my life and think "what if" because I had to put my life on hold for him.
Of course I'm going to talk to him about all this but with me in the middle of exams I've had to put it off, and since it's been preying on my mind, I thought I'd turn to totse and see if there were any valuable opinions to be had. Thanks, if you got this far! Any comments are appreciated...
- T_M
TL/DR;
Been with the boyfriend for years, I'm about to start full time work and want to travel, save for a home, etc., but because of family breakdown and his own passiveness, he's nowhere near that point - no qualifications, no licence, only working enough to get by. Looking for advice on how to fit what I want and can do, with what he wants and can do. Situation is difficult because I am increasing frustrated that (while he's getting better) I often have to push him to do anything proactive like search for work, apply for study, etc. and I don't want to have to do that any more, or spend the rest of my life feeling like a naggy wife. Advice?
I've been with my partner for 4 1/2 years now (yes, I said years), through a lot of ups and downs and all that cliche. For clarity's sake, breaking up with him isn't what I want or something that I'll consider. But it seems like we've kind of reached a point in life where our lives, our "timelines" don't match up, and it's getting to me. If anyone has been in this situation or has any advice to offer, I'd really appreciate it. Some filler information;
The short version is that in the past 4 years, I've graduated high school, had several jobs to build some savings, am about to finish my university degree and start full time work. I know that I'll be renting and travelling and not doing anything too hardcore for the next year or two, but eventually I'd like to do all those "normal" things, like owning a home etc. I come from a very involved and supportive family and I'm extremely lucky in that aspect.
My boyfriend, not so lucky. He has gone through a drawn out and unfortunate family breakdown. His mother passed away when he was quite young, his father has always been very uninvolved and distant, and in the last few years has managed to remarry to a total harpy, throw my boyfriend and his sister out of home claiming that he would help support them, then cut them off after about 2 months, plus other stuff in between. Coupled with some other stuff that we've been through (medical issues with me and one particularly rough patch between us), the BF has had some hard stuff to deal with since we've been together. His family situation in part caused him to dropout of uni, he also struggled for a long time to find a job, and wasn't able to get his drivers licence purely because there was no one to teach him. But: If the only reason he hadn't done all these things was because of the family and personal issues I could forgive him that. Partly though, it is just because he was lazy - I won't go into detail unless anyone wants it, because this is long enough already, but his situation is at least partly his own fault.
So. The issue: I've found myself increasingly resentful of the situation he is in, and that he's put me in. I often have to push him into taking any kind of action and he is extremely passive about the situation he's in. If I was in his shoes (bills to pay, etc) I'd be tearing my hair out from the panic of having to try and get everything done, and would be working my ass off to try and manage. He has become more motivated now that he's out of the bad family situation, but he still needs so much prompting to do so many things, and I hate that I feel like I'm bitching and moaning at him to try and get him to try and keep his life together.
I do it because I care and short of doing it for him (which also isn't a solution), it's the only way I can help him. I've done my best to be supportive, helpful and patient but after so many years of him being stuck in this rut, which was once justifiable but is becoming less so every day, I resent that it feels like I have to manage my life, and half the time, his life as well. It may not be right but it's how I'm feeling. Add to that, that I have things I want to do in the next few years that he just won't be able to do because he'll be studying or just trying to support himself, it's difficult to see how its all going to fit together, and I don't want to miss out on things in my life and think "what if" because I had to put my life on hold for him.
Of course I'm going to talk to him about all this but with me in the middle of exams I've had to put it off, and since it's been preying on my mind, I thought I'd turn to totse and see if there were any valuable opinions to be had. Thanks, if you got this far! Any comments are appreciated...
- T_M
TL/DR;
Been with the boyfriend for years, I'm about to start full time work and want to travel, save for a home, etc., but because of family breakdown and his own passiveness, he's nowhere near that point - no qualifications, no licence, only working enough to get by. Looking for advice on how to fit what I want and can do, with what he wants and can do. Situation is difficult because I am increasing frustrated that (while he's getting better) I often have to push him to do anything proactive like search for work, apply for study, etc. and I don't want to have to do that any more, or spend the rest of my life feeling like a naggy wife. Advice?
Comments
EDIT: I actually read the tldr after I posted that. From what I gathered, it sounds like you two just don't need to be together. Stop trying to force it to work. Good luck getting your advice from Totse.
- T_M
However... You say that you're not looking at leaving him as an option and came asking for our advice. First off I have to make it very clear that my honest best advice would be to leave him. Secondly it seems like you have already deduced this yourself but are just looking for acceptance in the decision.
You said you were going to talk with him about this. When you do it will go two ways. A. You will start talking and realize how right we are then dump his lazy ass B. You will agree to try to work it out and he will promise (lie) to work on these issues.
If you choose A.
You will undoubtedly save yourself a lot of anxiety in dealing with him and feeling as though you're nagging him. This new freedom will afford you extra time to do whatever you want. Whether that is studying or hanging out with friends or watching things that you like and listening to your music. All of the good things about being single will be open to you and you will have so much less stress because of not having to worry about him.
If you choose B.
Again I can't express enough how I think this is a bad decision. If you choose it though when you are talking with him you have to HAVE TO make sure he knows exactly the position that he is putting you in. Don't sugar coat it for him. Remember all the stress it is causing you and how it makes you feel. You are not the replacement for his mother. It is not your job to make sure he gets his ducks in a row. If you keep that up soon enough you'll be holding his dick when he pees and wiping his ass. A good relationship is generally 50/50 give and take and it seems that he is doing all the taking. Don't let him! You need to really let him have it, tear into him so he knows what the score is. If he doesnt take it seriously he probably isn't taking your relationship seriously. Honestly I wouldnt expect a change even then and if I'm right you don't need to waste more time. Life is too short to spend waiting on something like that instead of enjoying yourself.
The cold hard truth
You've heard this several times before but it might help you make the right decision to hear it again. People almost never spend the rest of their lives with their high-school sweetheart. It is almost certainly a doomed relationship because people change after high-school and people change after college. Some people grow up and face their new responsibilities head on. Your boyfriend is not doing that and you don't need to let him hold you back.
I hope you make the right decision. I hope if you don't dump him he changes his ways and you two can be happy and successful in many aspects. I don't see a hopeful prospect for the latter as it stands. Good luck and be ready for heartache no matter what you choose to do. It is inevitable but you will get over it. Let us know how it goes and if we helped you.