Change of heart and motivation
I decided to go to bed pretty early last night. I'm talking 19:00hrs. For some reason my Uni work wasn't happening, and I was bored shitless. In doing so I was then able to set my alarm for 02:30hrs, hoping to, in my lucid state, do some work. I had an awesome lucid dream too, which I will write about in the relevant thread.
Anyway, I was still bored. Watching Blackadder the Third was a good way to pass the time, but I wanted more.
I had a letter to post.
So after a brisk shower and putting on of some baggy Army trousers and t-shirt, i went to post it, running all the way listening to this
I then thought about going further. Into town. Into myself and wanting to just push the boat out. A member here taught me about utilising my fear, and nothing better than walking past dark shadows cast by people in corners at 5am is better than that. On the way back to my Halls I was then confronted with a graveyard or steep hill.
I chose the former, sat atop a war memorial and listened to this. Very apt considering the amount of deceased around me and the fact I was plonked on a looming war memorial.
"Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those Generals and Emperors, so that in glory and triumph they can become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot"
After having a conversation with the deceased and riding out the goosebumps, I felt at ease. Not many people would sit in a graveyard at just gone 5am when it's pitch black. But I just focused my energy and any fears into positive thoughts, and could have easily stayed another 2 hours to watch the sun rise through the light patter of rain on my face and steaming shoulders (except I have lectures). All the crap I have endured the past few weeks, all the negative relations, all the self-doubt and anti-depressants that have made me worse and more paranoid. The clutter in my mind taking up and sapping my positive motivation.
Gone.
So, does anyone else here go for early morning excursions? I must say they are the best way to wake up.
Anyway, I was still bored. Watching Blackadder the Third was a good way to pass the time, but I wanted more.
I had a letter to post.
So after a brisk shower and putting on of some baggy Army trousers and t-shirt, i went to post it, running all the way listening to this
I then thought about going further. Into town. Into myself and wanting to just push the boat out. A member here taught me about utilising my fear, and nothing better than walking past dark shadows cast by people in corners at 5am is better than that. On the way back to my Halls I was then confronted with a graveyard or steep hill.
I chose the former, sat atop a war memorial and listened to this. Very apt considering the amount of deceased around me and the fact I was plonked on a looming war memorial.
"Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those Generals and Emperors, so that in glory and triumph they can become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot"
After having a conversation with the deceased and riding out the goosebumps, I felt at ease. Not many people would sit in a graveyard at just gone 5am when it's pitch black. But I just focused my energy and any fears into positive thoughts, and could have easily stayed another 2 hours to watch the sun rise through the light patter of rain on my face and steaming shoulders (except I have lectures). All the crap I have endured the past few weeks, all the negative relations, all the self-doubt and anti-depressants that have made me worse and more paranoid. The clutter in my mind taking up and sapping my positive motivation.
Gone.
So, does anyone else here go for early morning excursions? I must say they are the best way to wake up.
Comments
Could you elaborate on utilising fear to your advantage?
Just by sitting in a place, or doing something I would usually be scared of, I get fear. Anyone would, right? That feeling of unease and maybe some stomach churning along with goosebumps.
Well instead of running like a pansy and evading the situation, sit it out. Exercise discipline and realise that once you can sit out the situation, you are already over the first hurdle. Don't expect great results on the first time, but prolonged exposure to these things (which are different for us all) you will soon be able to tolerate fear which will otherwise scare other people, in this case sitting in a graveyard at silly o' clock.
Once you have the ability to control your fear and emotions associated with said fear, given a situation which would otherwise frighten someone into the fight or flight response, you can remain calm, collected and most times, come out on top because you have that inner discipline.
*tips hat to TDR*
There are certain exercised you can do that will help you achieve these results but remd is right on the money.
If you can learn to train with fear you can use it as a very powerful too. Also if you train while afraid when you need to react in real life while afraid it wont affect you as much. An important thing to realize thought is that you need to be afraid not scared there is a difference. Another point that needs to be discussed if you mentally train this way if can affect your mind in a negative. If you train in a state of fear you also need to find the time for a pleasant or peaceful outlet for your mind or you can become unbalanced and it has a possibility to make you lose control permanently.
Very true. In a sense it's a mild form of mental torture, so a release is necessary. One method TDR taught me was to stare at a point on a wall between my nipples and navel, which never really scared me, or instilled fear, but increased my ability to almost perfect the "thousand-yard stare", which proves very effective when walking or going on a run.
I turned from a floor-staring mopey guy into a focused individual who almost commands the pavement as I seem to be on a rampage, concentrating on an object in the distance and never blinking until I reach it.
Don't worry, I don't do it every day. Only about once a week. I like to use it when I'm running low on motivation and feel numb. I have a stong mental state, regardless of my wobbles, but thank you for your concern.
And TDR, I shall do that when I next get a session going on. I don't really plan them, rather if I am feeling up to it etc.
Regardless of your own views on religion, there's something extra special about grandiose religious sites after hours. A thousand years of history below your feet, coupled with the heights, the sound of the wind and the salaried security guard below. There's something special there, even If you can't quite put your finger on it. Perhaps a solitary moment in a site with a long history or an association with dead people is a good trigger for a sense of perspective. Or maybe it's just the adrenaline you get from knowing you're doing something you shouldn't, that most people will never do. Meh. It's fun, even if it doesn't mean anything.
After a long process, I was offered a space on a 14 week course where people similar to me (there were people there for extreme paranoia - she was a middle aged, middle class toker, bereavement, bipolar, borderline etc) to learn to cope with emotions and how we interpret/deal them learning a new "skill" each week. The course is only held twice a year so I felt rather privileged to be allowed on it. What struck me though, was how many Students from my University were there. And all my year - as I knew one of them from my work last year with the University (and she left halfway through which was odd. Might have freaked her out but I had no problems...)
But anyway, out of the 12 or so of us, I found it shocking to see that it was hard enough to get a place on this programme, and I thought about how many more Students are suffering in silence about their mental health, be in anxiety, depression etc. I'm pretty open about my experiences and will gladly tell someone I meet the same night about myself as I don't see it as a big deal, but in contrast, many more I know say they have "issues" but don't talk about them.
Anywhos, I have 13 weeks to go and have got some goals to work towards which will keep me on focus. Oh and as promised, here is the photo of the programme co-ordinator. Dfg, get your dick ready! And yes I had to blank out some parts. But hawt-damn. If ever there was a reason to be in a room full of loonies (and I mean proper loonies), this is it...
:cool: + :hai: + :fap:
I've currently been up for 24 hours, and out of which have spent about 20 of them doing University work. Determined (and happily) catching up on lectures I missed whilst in Hospital. Honestly, I'm writing 'till my fingers throb but I'm really enjoying it. I know the mood will crash, so I'm making the most of it right now, switching between essay plans and getting my Dissertation draft finalised for a pre-assessment. In a genuinely good mood which, on this level of productivity, doesn't happen often. Going to bed at 9pm and waking up at 2am = a quiet time to get work done, a good workout and early shower. Lush.
Right, back to work. And I say that with a smile on my face