Marrying a Girl with Kids

DfgDfg Admin
edited September 2012 in Life
EDIT: I should mention i kept the story as simple as possible because I don't want to break her trust, I am pretty sure she would be pissed if he found out about this but if I don't get help or think things through I would do her great harm in future. So, this is a calculated risk.

This is a personal story and since I have been in a situation which is totally unexpected and targets my weakness and is forcing me to think really hard, I have decided to share it with my family that is Totseans.

If you remember a while ago I met a girl we hit off, she was everything I ever wanted in a woman, intelligent, dedication, strong willed and tons of other things. She is an extremely rare girl to see in a Country like this, and for some reason we had a great Chemistry. We talked on the phone and she fell in love with me and I did as well. Before that she kept telling me I would run away that I am invalid for her, basically telling me, it's not going to work. My family saw her, my Dad liked her a lot.

So, since we had a great Chemistry and I thought it would be a good idea to finalize her. After some sleepless nights and some crying we got stable. I send her Bday gift and she returned it but then she told me, she was married to someone and is raising three kids. That didn't shock me for some reason. I guess TOTSE has made me pretty immune to this. So, I go back and we share texts and as per my protocol, I don't really care about someone’s background. I am different than other Pakistani scums and I intend to stay the same way.

Then last night she opened up to me something she never did with anyone, I should mention that our first few calls did contain her really crying and I didn't understood why she doing this. Her story was something I never thought I would hear in my whole life. Like how her Dad married her off in a young age, how her husband cheated on her, didn't care about her and basically dumped her for some whore, took the children. The story was depressing and I did honestly cry. She then told me about how she fought against men and how she kicked their balls and how she humiliated that cunt made him pay and then won her kids using the legal system. In a Country were woman usually cry and commit suicide she stood up and fought her way.

It's not like she didn’t beg for them but as you know people are cunts. So, unloved and broken she changed herself into a warrior that raised her kids to a standard that only most parents can achieve, she taught herself for the sake of her children and you cannot imagine how much she did for them and you might be thinking of my GOD this is so simply, not really. She didn't have any help from her Dad who betrayed here; since this is Pakistan she was all alone. No help from anyone, that cunt tried to kill her and targeted her in so many ways but she didn't back down.

Her determination to survive in a man’s world is something I have never seen. I never could imagine someone like her; I mean if you look at her you cannot guess she has gone through this much hell. So, she laid it all on me and I was just shocked. In her life I am the only guy who reached close to her to that extend and I feel I did her a great wrong my weakening her shield because she did let it go just for me.

I still remember me saying that regardless of her past I would still love her and be with her and she would tell me that I will run away. After hearing this running away seems like a great idea but I do have some nagging problems. At the pace she is going, things wouldn't be good for her, I would honestly miss her and I will always have that guilt. Right now, we haven't touched or done anything and that hurt we both will share wouldn't be that much. I am capable of recovering from some deep issues and I can generally bounce back faster than others, she can do the same thing.

In Pakistan people marry girls with kids; it's a different World here even though Islam advises it. Plus, I can't really move in with her, if I do or marry her she will lose custody of one child on the spot, not something I would want to happen and besides for this to work I would need a very strong Chemistry with her and some years of being in constant contact but here lies the problem, this is Pakistan. She will get labeled by the Society and her life would be hell. So, basically there is no easy way of fixing anything.

I am a hopeless romantic but I am also someone that prefers using my brain as well. I talked to Jugg and TDR and my buddy Jackson the relationship expert and I told Dad as well. My sis actually has my back on this and I know I wouldn't be raising them alone and with my family they can easily get a better life. Thank GOD for Pakistan close family system.

TDR has been pretty direct with me, told me run off and leave. Jugg had a different view point which suited me more but it's invalid in my situation (test for 3 years see if works out and then decide). Jackson told me, I wasn't ready for this and its way over my head and I agreed with him.

I might be able to coup tons of things but I don't think I can raise children this early and besides one thing I learned from all of this is, TO BE VERY FUCKING HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Because my friends as much as I want this to work I am also afraid because I am responsible for 3 kids. 3 Kids that are not my own and could in future turn on me and besides you consider the financial conditions and everything. Really stressful on her and my family, Plus, this is actually first attempt, as much as I want this to work I am totally inexperienced. I could potentially mess things up more and could hurt them in so many ways.

But on the other side I can bring a sense of security and a much needed father figure and some love that they badly need. I am a giver, I have this ability to keep on giving and asking nothing in return, I can counter this with using my brain and isolating my emotions. I have been thinking this from various angles and I have come to compromise.

I can't commit to her, I can't really have an active involved in her life and I can't be a part of her family but I can be here friend, someone that can take her load off and relax for a her while. Sure, she would have feelings for me and I would for her but at least she can rely on someone when she needs help. I can also patch up things and leave her and walk away something I should do because the longer I stay the more insecure she would be. She had worked on years to put up a shield around her and I broke in with ease, I am sure she can patch it up faster and lock herself away but still this doesn't feel right.

What if:

Now imagine if I get hooked up with her. So, after a year or even months we came to the conclusion that yes it’s totally worth a shot, keep in mind if I fucked it up her life would end and if she dies everything would fall apart. With that knowledge, we move into a new home.

She goes to work because she already has a working job. I work from home and then work on other projects. The kids follow a strict routine till they’re capable of going to college and then we move them into higher education and give them a taste of what life is all about. This means instead of following the Pakistani system we implement the Western system where once you’re 18 you start working your way up and either winning scholarships or paying your own fees.
The oldest would be responsible for the younger kids; besides me he would be mentoring them as well. This is to insure that in an event something goes wrong the kids can take care of themselves. We work for 8 years and focus on saving and building a family chemistry. We focus on being tightly knit and more performance driven.

This is just an optimistic view but considering what I know about the children and how brave and independent they already are, I wouldn’t have to work on them too much. And that’s beauty of it, I am already getting kids that can handle themselves and potentially become extremely powerful. Considering their mother I have no doubt it’s quite possible.

So, we’re both the same age, her workload reduces considerably, she gets more free time, we love each other, we go out and since I would be with my family we don’t have to worry about baby sitters. My mum and dad can handle them and if that’s not enough I do my bro wife that loves children. Considering my family size, they’re well versed with raising kids.

She gets a new lease on life, I get a partner that I can work with and actually make something of my life. Once they’re in stable condition if the need arises we can switch to Canada or a different Country altogether if the need arises.
But basically my time would be divided with dealing with the children, nurturing them, tutoring them and basically making them into a better human being in hopefully make them good enough that they will mow my lawn *TDR REFERENCE*.
That’s my optimistic approach to things I have read case studies that strictly mention that blended families don’t work well but the studies I read focus on Western culture. In an Islamic or more like Pakistani culture the men stay with their parents and help them when they’re old and the grandfathers basically love and cherish those children.

So, again I wouldn’t be raising them on my own, I would have my family with me which is quite large.
The only problem I foresee would be the friction between the kids and my family different mindset. I would have to convince or pretty much change things in order for everything to work.
Would I be happy? That’s a good question. Unfortunately for me, I love being a part of something, I love being a helpful person, I get more joy out of making someone else dream come true then my own and to be honest I asked myself this three times. I asked myself what is my dream and I only got a blank response.

But I did say ones that my dream was to make every wish of my loved one come true. And that feels just right.

What if Part II:
The harsh reality time, we move in. My parents accept us, but they resent my decision, my sisters etc still have an edge to their voice and basically the kids aren’t that loved because they’re not my blood. I am different that doesn’t mean my family would be different.

We start off alright, then her ex-husband targets her and we have to protect ourselves, I am sure he wouldn’t but you never know, and then there is the cost. Jugg told me that the cost of raising one kid is fucking high, even if I earn in dollars with her saving and money from the lawsuit and whatnot it would still be less and there is more, the shopping, the never ending cycle of repeating things and then there is college and later on University and then finally weddings and family expansion.

It all looks great but do consider they’re not my blood. I wouldn’t be advancing my blood line, and even she has another one what then. You redouble the cost, you add the extra time to raise an infant and trust me I already seen my family raise 7 of them. So, I know a lot.

Plus while that is going on, she wouldn’t be working and would be under more emotional stress and then there is that unknown element. Considering how fucked up this place is, there is no knowing what could happen next.
Even with the best of time, its stress to deal with your own blood but it’s really hard to deal with other children. Even if I build some amazing Chemistry it may or may not work in the end.
But a relationship like this is all about giving and asking little in return. What I would be doing is something most men would run away, what I would be doing would love a woman that desires more love than anyone in the world and even more.

I would be in some stressful situations but I would know for a fact that my future wife considering how she managed everything can handle everything on her own and that’s something you can’t really say about a Pakistani or any woman.

Thoughts:
I paste something there that I read it helped me clear some good points.
THE FIVE QUESTIONS

1. Do you clearly understand the expectations of your future spouse with regards to your role as a stepparent?
In your quiet times with your future spouse, talk about your future life together. Find out how your partner sees you as the parent of their child. Come to a clear understanding on how you or your future spouse will deal with the following common issues with stepchildren: slipping or falling grades, choice of friends, fighting between siblings and stepchildren, angry outbursts, rejection of stepsiblings, talking back, disregard of house rules, lying, breaking curfews, whining or pouting, use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco, chores, and arguing about rules, daily routines and relationship with biological parents.

2. What was your own experience with common family conflicts?
Your way to deal with common conflicts in your own family is a learned behavior. One either models a parent or makes a drastic effort to be different from a parent. So it is important to be honest with your future spouse and talk about your own experiences with your own father, mother and siblings.
Is raising one's voice and yelling when frustrated normal in your family? Are you able to speak calmly when you are upset or do you become edgy and spiteful? When you get upset do you let your siblings or parents see your frustration? Are you able to discuss issues with your parents or siblings and engage in long arguments? Or do your resort to threats to get the attention of your family?
You can also ask your future spouse if their child misbehaves, do they tend to let go or deal with it immediately? Do you carry out what you threaten to do when in arguments?

3. Do you have a family rule that you can model?
Every healthy family has a set of family rules to live by. These family rules will be the framework to shape the character of your children. You will find it very useful to start discussing family rules in advance. Mull over all possible misbehaviors that a child can do. Think about the appropriate consequences. Analyze if you are the type of person that is good in following up consequences or are you the person that easily forgives and forgets.
It is also useful to understand your own and your future spouse's parenting and discipline styles. Begin discussing how to enforce rules. Remember, enforcing a rule is most effective when parents practice the rules themselves. Whatever your children will practice everyday is how they will live their life in the future.

4. How do you deal with stress?
It is important to let your partner know what triggers the worse in you. Do you get sad and depressed for a day, more than day, for several days? Or are you the eternal optimist?
Can you easily admit to your mistakes in disagreements to avoid a serious fight? Can you easily put aside resentful feelings when having a fight? When you are angry at another person, can you easily understand the other person's point of view? Do you explode when you are misunderstood?
Children are sensitive when parents are under stress. Children cannot process stress like adults and react by misbehaving. It is important to discuss stress-relieving activities that may help your relationship like an exercise regimen and an active spiritual life.

5. Are you capable of showing genuine compassion for your spouse?
What has our attitude towards our spouse have to do with handling our stepchildren? Our genuine compassion for our spouse, support and loyalty speaks volumes of how our stepchildren will respect us as parents. It is important that stepchildren witness the deep love couples have for each other. Seeing and hearing the strong bond between their parents help them internalize the desirable quality of a strong family. Good role models are probably one of the things they missed out.

These 5 questions are an eye opener. Because it’s all about them in the end, it all depends on my ability to love their mother and then showing the same affection for our kids. Not an easy thing to do but it done correctly can really make the relationship work.


Here are some more questions:

How Do You Feel About Kids?
Some people just don't like kids, and those people just shouldn't be around them -- especially not in the role of parent. If you've always known you never wanted children, remember that and give yourself time to rethink what you're about to do. If you do generally enjoy children, then the issue to consider is whether you like your sweetie's kids. It sounds cruel but it is possible to have irreconcilable differences with children, especially when they're not your own and if they scowl at you all the time.

How Do They Feel About You?
Divorce is hard on kids, but remarriage can be even harder. Most children feel at least a bit jealous when Mom or Dad finds another partner, and they often fear losing their parent to this outsider. Sometimes they think you're trying to replace their own parent and that, out of loyalty, they've got to be chilly. These are totally normal emotions and can, with good communication and frequently therapy, be overcome. The harder reality is when the kids profess to hate your guts -- as they often do -- and threaten your potential partner with threats like choosing "me/us or her/him." Other thwarting behavior can include a child perpetually pitting the two of you against each other, say by telling your sweetie you said he could have a third peanut butter cup (when you most certainly did not) or telling the other parent bad stories about you that are usually either flat-out not true, out of context, or just plain exaggerated. Three words of advice on how to handle these situations: communication, communication, communication. Don't forget you're both on the same side. "Kids can be very successful saboteurs," says Dr. Larry Nadig, a family therapist in Glendale, California. "If you know ahead of time this is going to be an obstacle, I suggest therapy. Sometimes, though, it's not resolvable."

How Will Being a Stepparent Change Your Lifestyle?
Enjoy going to clubs at night or even to an R-rated movie once and a while? Well those and a lot of other things might become difficult, if not impossible, when you suddenly have kids in your life. Find out exactly what the custody situation your partner and his or her ex have arranged, and consider whether the time you both will have with the kids is doable for you. Part-timers may find having kids around every other weekend palatable, but babysitters are heaven-sent for full-timers. If that's you, make sure your honey has at least one trusted caregiver on standby, or find one or two on your own so you both can go out alone once in a while.

How Much Responsibility Will You Have?
Find out how much your partner will expect from you as a parent. Will he or she want you to get up in the middle of the night if someone has a tummy ache? Will you be expected to cook every night for the whole clan; read to the kids at bedtime; discipline them when they give the cat a bad haircut? Then again, your partner might want all the parenting responsibilities. However, leaving you with no responsibility or authority to make decisions can be bad as well.

Can You Handle Your Spouse Having a Relationship with an Ex?
Knowing you're your partner had someone else before you is bad enough, but having to tolerate a continued relationship, whether it's friendly or just businesslike for the kids' sake, is downright gut-wrenching. Think about whether you'll freak out if the ex calls on the phone, or if you find out they sat next to each other at the kids' holiday performance. Constantly accusing your partner of wanting to get back together with the ex or not speaking to him or her after a joint parent-teacher conference are also no-nos. Remember that this person is committed to you now!

Can You Deal With Not Always Being #1?
Everyone has this idea that at least the first couple years of marriage will be a honeymoon...just the two of you and all your love. When your spouse has kids, that period ends as soon as the honeymoon does (assuming you get to go alone!), and then it's reality central. Often instead of gazing at you over a candlelit dinner, your spouse is forcing Johnny to finish his spinach. When you want to go to that couples' resort in Bermuda, your partner might suggest Disney World, for sake of the kids. Your new spouse might even hold little Susie's hand instead of yours as you're all walking down the street. In order to make it work, you've got to be flexible and sane enough to realize just how much your honey loves you -- no matter how much he or she also loves the kids.

Does Your Spouse Want to Have More Kids?
There's always a chance your sweetheart has had all the children he or she wants to have. If you want your own kids, especially if that's not something you're willing to compromise on, find out exactly where your partner stands on the issue. You may have to pare down your lifelong goal of three kids to one or two, but hey, if this person is the one, it might be worth it!
You should read this too:

1. Plan several sessions of “hard” talking with your potential spouse. It is essential that you temporarily forget the romantic elements of your relationship to talk business. Blending families is one of life’s most difficult challenges, which is further compounded when both parties have children.
2. Don’t try to be the stepparent before you legally occupy the role. Prematurely playing a role will create problems once you legitimately occupy it. It is essential you do not assume roles you don’t occupy. If a child (or future spouse) treats you as a parent, it doesn’t mean you are one. Troubles brew when people push themselves, or are pushed by others, into roles they do not occupy. (This is true even beyond families!)
3. Bridges are best built before they are needed. It is essential that you insist on multiple meetings with both parents of ALL the children before you consider marriage. These meetings will focus on methods of co-parenting in order to secure everyone’s best advantage. If implementing such meetings seems overwhelming to you, you are probably heading for a minefield of countless unexpected, unwelcome complications – that will seem (believe it or not) even too large for love to overcome! What is avoided (denied, glossed over, minimized) pre-wedding will rise like a rabid monster quite soon after the wedding.
4. Financial integrity is as important as sexual fidelity! It is essential that you look into every detail of all financial records of your spouse-to-be and offer your own finances for similar scrutiny — before you plan a wedding. Persons who cannot responsibly handle money are unlikely to be able to handle the pressures of thriving within a blended family. If a would-be spouse suggests information* about his or her finances are off-limits to you, wipe the dust off your feet and depart, no matter how much love you may feel. Authentic love, apart from having many other facets, is also measured in the degree of financial partnering* (not necessarily blending) is established between lovers. Resilient love seeks the wise, open use of combined resources. Because blending families also often involves complex financial arrangements (child support and so forth, divorce costs, education bills for children of a former marriage) hiding the details from a would-be spouse is exceedingly unfair to all involved.*
5. Flee “blamers.” An adult who blames their former spouse (or parents, or childhood, the new political order) for everything will also, before long, blame you for everything.
6. Avoid people who cannot engage in civil conversations with an ex, with their parents, or their children.
7. Getting Johnny (or Mary) a stepparent will not ease his dissatisfaction with the divorce, school, or his craving for a “real family.” It is essential to understand that getting married will not solve any but the most superficial current family issues. Blending families is likely to unveil and exacerbate more problems than it solves.
This said, and so much of it sounds negative, blended families hold the potential to enrich and empower all the people involved. Some of the healthiest, happiest families I have met in many years of meeting with families (in all manner of circumstances) have been blended families!

Future:
Right now everything depends on one man, my Dad I told him the story today and it’s his decision. He raised me and would have a great deal of involvement with my future family. After he approves I can then proceed with winning over my family and then finally checking with her and planning things and discussing all the points in great deal and giving a year or more to adjust to everything and then moving or marrying.
The keyword here is NOT TO RUSH it. This is an extremely sensitive matter. I could either destroy or make her and their lives. And yes, it would greatly affect my life as well, (good and bad).

So, my friends and basically my family, I hope you enjoyed reading this, I didn’t enjoy writing most of it because it really did hurt but I had to be honest with myself and I cannot risk hurting her more or giving her false hopes only to leave her hanging and more broken than ever. I deeply care about her and I wish I had a guns so I could kill those cunts who did this to her.
Btw, why do only good people get fucked by the Universe, I mean why not the bad assholes?


Resources:
http://voices.yahoo.com/5-questions-ask-marrying-someone-children-741275.html
http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-problems/articles/marrying-someone-with-kids.aspx
http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/21/step-parent-blended-family/

We haven't talked yet and I am still making up my mind about all of this. So, any input or feedback would be great.

Comments

  • angryonionangryonion Just some guy
    edited May 2012
    Granted I didn't read the whole thing but the fact that she has three kids is a big red flag.
    RUN don't walk.I know that sounds harsh but the fact that you will be raising some other dudes kids is going to be a huge drain both mentally and financially.
    Especially if you plan on having kids of your own.
    My brother married a woman with three kids and it totally ruined his life he's 43 years old and still renting,no money,still drives a shit box that I have to fix on a monthly basis.
    RUN AWAY FAST AS YOU CAN.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited May 2012
    ^ This. Never would I ever enter a relationship with someone with kids let alone marrying her. Basically when a woman wants that, she is looking for a replacement father for her kids.
  • angryonionangryonion Just some guy
    edited May 2012
    Replacement=someone with money for her kids that she loves more than you.
    You will always be in the back seat and her little fuck trophies will be front and center at all times.
    RUN DFG RUN
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2-MCPa_3rU
  • SlartibartfastSlartibartfast Global Moderator -__-
    edited May 2012
    I know that blood ties are a big deal in the eastern cultures dfg. I also understand that casual relationships are also socially unacceptable in islamic society (at least in public), and could get her, and maybe you in a lot of trouble. So the context of your case is different to our western perspective on things.

    The welfare system and social standards here makes things simpler for people in your situation, basically i can live with a single mother as a de-facto couple and the father or the government is obliged to pay for the kids upbringing.

    You have no safety net, you're either fully in or fully out. It's a sticky situation dfg, but it's doable, is it worth it? I don't know. To my understanding, in your society, a man who does this is as good as cuckolded.

    I might also suggest Dfg, that after the initial allure fades that you might resent the responsibility.

    If it were me, i'd just live with her, until either of us become bored.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited May 2012
    angryonion wrote: »
    Granted I didn't read the whole thing but the fact that she has three kids is a big red flag.
    RUN don't walk.I know that sounds harsh but the fact that you will be raising some other dudes kids is going to be a huge drain both mentally and financially.
    Especially if you plan on having kids of your own.
    My brother married a woman with three kids and it totally ruined his life he's 43 years old and still renting,no money,still drives a shit box that I have to fix on a monthly basis.
    RUN AWAY FAST AS YOU CAN.
    ^ This. Never would I ever enter a relationship with someone with kids let alone marrying her. Basically when a woman wants that, she is looking for a replacement father for her kids.
    angryonion wrote: »
    Replacement=someone with money for her kids that she loves more than you.
    You will always be in the back seat and her little fuck trophies will be front and center at all times.
    RUN DFG RUN
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2-MCPa_3rU
    I know that blood ties are a big deal in the eastern cultures dfg. I also understand that casual relationships are also socially unacceptable in islamic society (at least in public), and could get her, and maybe you in a lot of trouble. So the context of your case is different to our western perspective on things.

    The welfare system and social standards here makes things simpler for people in your situation, basically i can live with a single mother as a de-facto couple and the father or the government is obliged to pay for the kids upbringing.

    You have no safety net, you're either fully in or fully out. It's a sticky situation dfg, but it's doable, is it worth it? I don't know. To my understanding, in your society, a man who does this is as good as cuckolded.

    I might also suggest Dfg, that after the initial allure fades that you might resent the responsibility.

    If it were me, i'd just live with her, until either of us become bored.

    I am glad I am a part of this family :).

    You're all right. She called me last night when it was raining outside, I talked to her for maybe an hour or less. But she took two pills because she needed rest. I explained her the whole situation with the Dad and my other family and gave her few options:
    Option A) Try things for a year, move in with my family. We settle.
    Option B) Move in close, like rent a place near us. We watch over her and then see where things go.
    Option C) She keeps a communication Link open with me, she talks to me when wants too. We both commit not to get in and basically friendzone each other.
    Option D) Move to Canada.
    angryonion wrote: »
    Granted I didn't read the whole thing but the fact that she has three kids is a big red flag.
    RUN don't walk.I know that sounds harsh but the fact that you will be raising some other dudes kids is going to be a huge drain both mentally and financially.
    Especially if you plan on having kids of your own.
    My brother married a woman with three kids and it totally ruined his life he's 43 years old and still renting,no money,still drives a shit box that I have to fix on a monthly basis.
    RUN AWAY FAST AS YOU CAN.
    ^ This. Never would I ever enter a relationship with someone with kids let alone marrying her. Basically when a woman wants that, she is looking for a replacement father for her kids.
    angryonion wrote: »
    Replacement=someone with money for her kids that she loves more than you.
    You will always be in the back seat and her little fuck trophies will be front and center at all times.
    RUN DFG RUN
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2-MCPa_3rU
    I know that blood ties are a big deal in the eastern cultures dfg. I also understand that casual relationships are also socially unacceptable in islamic society (at least in public), and could get her, and maybe you in a lot of trouble. So the context of your case is different to our western perspective on things.

    The welfare system and social standards here makes things simpler for people in your situation, basically i can live with a single mother as a de-facto couple and the father or the government is obliged to pay for the kids upbringing.

    You have no safety net, you're either fully in or fully out. It's a sticky situation dfg, but it's doable, is it worth it? I don't know. To my understanding, in your society, a man who does this is as good as cuckolded.

    I might also suggest Dfg, that after the initial allure fades that you might resent the responsibility.

    If it were me, i'd just live with her, until either of us become bored.

    I am glad I am a part of this family :).

    You're all right. She called me last night when it was raining outside; I talked to her for maybe an hour or less. But she took two pills because she needed rest. I explained her the whole situation with the Dad and my other family and gave her few options:
    Option A) Try things for a year, move in with my family. We settle.
    Option B) Move in close, like rent a place near us. We watch over her and then see where things go.
    Option C) She keeps a communication Link open with me, she talks to me when wants too. We both commit not to get in and basically friend zone each other.
    Option D) Move to Canada.

    Option A -C are doable but not preferred. I should mention she wasn't the one pushing things forward. She was actually trying to back out but I was holding on (because she figured I would run away which I can’t do because I am different). We decided that there isn't a feasible possibility of me being with her because I would either match or wouldn't match and then she told me honestly and factually that can't trust anyone and she wants to forget the past and live in solitude because it's the only thing that makes her stronger and yes her kids come first. From that point onwards I pretty much knew that if I pushed my way in, I would ruin her life, mine and basically make things a lot harder on her. Her kids are aged 7, 10, and 12. In 6 years her eldest would be able to take care of everything and these kids are trained to be independent from the start. ( so basically for 6 years I can keep an eye out if she needs help as a friend but I can’t talk to her or contact her which is fine by me)

    So, she has a safety net already in place by her. I only want to give her my love unconditionally but I also feared that love is the last thing she needs, anger, revenge and a desire for not giving up is what she really needs, and I would be a distraction and quite possibly an emotional problem. After 7 years she opened up to someone and she curses herself for it. I don't blame her. I was her weaknesses, still am to a certain degree. But I am also Dfg, which means as much as I want to be this and that, the reality is I am different and wouldn't commit anyway.

    I told my Dad and sis about this and they both said that they were going to talk me out of this or have a serious discussion if I went forward but they're glad I thought it through on my own. I love her, but love isn't supposed to be selfish. She said I would forget about her eventually but I don't want to forget. If I ever get married I want a wife that shares the same core as she does and who knows when her children are grown up in 6 years or so, maybe I could move in and have two wives: D. (HAREM).

    So, I am focusing on Option D. She wanted to move to Canada and I will try to make her dream come true. Not as a lover but as Dfg a guy that admires people who can do the unthinkable. I always wondered what kind of women I would fall for or what kind of girl would be right for me, I thought a model would be the perfect match but thanks to her I know exactly what to look for.

    This ends the tale but that doesn't mean the story won't go on, I will keep my communication link open, I will not leave or just run off if she needs help. She was the only girl that got through to me and I would be an idiot to just forget her and walk away if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on but one thing is for sure, I cannot marry her, I cannot move in with her, I cannot commit with her but I will be a friend that she can use or rely on in future.

    Even though she has ended all ties with me, I will keep a door open for her and hopefully when I find the right one or when the right one comes to me because as TDR said, don't hunt just wait for it. I am sure she would be her best friend and would work with me to get her out of this damn place and into another Country where they can be free.

    Oh and I told my parents that MARRIAGE IS OUT OF THE FUCKING QUESTION FOR AT LEAST 5 years. I will not fucking have a GF or even fucking trying to get one. FUCK THIS. I am awesome alone, I got a taste of love and that would last me a life time. I am not going to crush myself at this stage, I am destined for greatness, I am destined to leave this damn Country and I don't want to be tied down. I worked hard to be different and I don't think it's a good idea to change. So, the lover boy is gone back now, Dfg the troll is back in control.

    I have a lot of ground to cover but I still hurt a bit inside but that's okay. Hopefully everything would work out.


    My advice; don't commit. If you're in Pakistan and want to marry or live with a girl think really hard. Even if she doesn't have kids it's a BIG commitment. There are no safety nets here, apart from you and her family there is no one, the Government doesn't help you out, the NGO's only steal money and then there are the family disputes. If you're wise or don't think using your dick, DON'T COMMIT unless you have slept with every girl on the earth or have been in various short term relationship and always, ALWAYS question yourself and think things through. I was lucky because I had Totseans to share things. And I was unlucky as well because normally a guy would run away or take advantage of her but thankfully I have been built with a strong core reinforced by my beloved Community.

    Life is short, use it wisely, there is always another way to fix a problem and avoid throwing your life away just because you THINK it would work. Most fixes are superficial; also love never really lasts long. In the end it's just a partnership where both parties agree on certain rules and try their best to follow them.

    Oh I plan to explore the world and discover other cultures and meet Totseans around the World. I wanna have a drink with TDR, party with RemadE, date Chippy's D (TEHEHHEHE) and enjoy life while I can. I would be stuck here for a year or so but things are starting to look up for me.


    Again, thank you my family (you guys). I love my ability to bounce by: D. TO THE FUTURE!


    Girls>
    Oh and if you're a girl and reading this, I am the perfect guy you could ever dream of but I am sorry the ship has sailed. I can cook, wash and do all house chores, I can manage kids, I can handle any duty that a girl could and I am man that can be extremely honest, loving and someone who wouldn't back out. And if I love someone, I love them forever. My love is unconditional never ending but I also have a realistic mindset. So, if you think you can come and just be lazy don't bother. I wouldn't live with someone who doesn't feel pain or can't handle pressure and I wouldn't fit with someone that doesn't like working and exploring stuff or doesn't have any ambition. The part that loved my first love was because she had all those qualities and much more. So, if you can fit in her shoes @Dfg is the place to contact me. Otherwise, find someone else.

    Oh you MUST BE pretty good looking. For my love I walked and kept my body in shape, so I do handle requests if they demand a softer ass and more muscles but its give and take. You stay in shape, you work your butt off and we both share equally. And if you're a Pakistani girl, please don't bother. There was only ONE Pakistani girl worth fighting for and I can't have her or she me. That's the limit for me. I went with this relationship only because I wanted to see if there is still some hope in Pakistan and apart from her there isn't any. Considering how badly she was treated, I honestly don't ever want to start a life here nor should you.

    And living alone isn't that bad, learn to LOVE yourself. And your life will be complete. My weakness was I can't see someone in pain and I was always looking to share my love and happiness with others, that's the real me. I don't want to change that but thanks to this I will guard it. The funny thing is I can't find anyone attractive now, I have lost interest in girls (Pakistani girls) and thanks to love hurt I would be unable for years to come which is pretty good because at this stage of my life, I want to build myself for the future.


    Again thanks for reading this. I will say it again, if it wasn't for the kids and my respect for her freedom, wishes and the situation surrounding us I would have never backed out ( which technically I didn’t she backed out) but it's all for the good. I love her and I hope her future ahead if filled with success and her children will outshine others and she can slap the faces of those assholes that destroyed her life. She is a warrior in every sense; there is no woman in the world that can compete with her in my eyes. I thank her for being a part of my life (and actually loving me (I feel so proud about it)); I will always think about her and pray for her. She is worth everything :).

    Have fun, time to work. Going to watch the Avengers on May 11th, I planned to see it with her but I also told myself I would see it with or without her. There is one thing she told me last night, I told her I couldn't stop crying, she told me crying doesn't fix or solve anything. You focus on solving problems and avoid thinking about the past and you work and work until you can no longer. You have to keep moving on because there is no turning back.

    Thank you my love for being the best girl ever. You would always have a place in my heart.






    Option A -C are doable but not preferred. I should mention she wasn't the one pushing things forward. She was actually trying to back out but I was holding on. We decided that there isn't a feasible possibility of me being with her because I would either match or wouldn't match and then she told me honestly and factually that can't trust anyone and she wants to forget the past and live in solitude because it's the only thing that makes her stronger and yes her kids come first. From that point onwards I pretty much knew that if I pushed my way in, I would ruin her life, mine and basically make things a lot harder on her. Her kids are aged 7,10,12. In 6 years her eldest would be able to take care of everything and these kids are trained to be independent from the start.

    So, she has a safety net already in place by her. I only want to give her my love uncondionationally but I also feared that love is the last thing she needs, anger, revenge and a desire for not giving up is what she really needs, I would be a distraction and quite possibly an emotional problem. After 7 years she opened up to someone and she curses herself for it. I don't blame her. I was her weakessness, still am to a certain degree. But I am also Dfg, which means as much as I want to be this and that, the reality is I am different and wouldn't commit anyway.

    I told my Dad and sis about this and they both said that they were going to talk me out of this or have a serious discussion if I went forward but they're glad I thought it through on my own. I love her, but love isn't supposed to be selfish. She said I would forget about her eventually but I don't want to forget. If I ever get married I want a wife that shares the same core as she does and who knows when her children are grown up in 6 years or so, maybe I could move in and have two wives :D. (HAREM).

    So, I am focusing on Option D. She wanted to move to Canada and I will try to make her dream come true. Not as a lover but as Dfg a guy that admires people who can do the unthinkable. I always wondered what kind of women I would fall for or what kind of girl would be right for me, I thought a model would be the perfect match but thanks to her I know exactly what to look for.

    This ends the tale but that doesn't mean the story won't go on, I will keep my communication link open, I will not leave or just run off if she needs help. She was the only girl that got through to me and I would be an idiot to just forget her and walk away if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on but one thing is for sure, I cannot marry her, I cannot move in with her, I cannot commit with her but I will be a friend that she can use or rely on in future.

    Even though she has ended all ties with me, I will keep a door open for her and hopefully when I find the right one or when the right one comes to me because as TDR said, don't hunt just wait for it. I am sure she would be her best friend and would work with me to get her out of this damn place and into another Country where can be free.

    Oh and I told my parents that MARRIAGE FOR OUT OF THE FUCKING QUESTION FOR AT LEAST 5 years. I will not fucking have a GF or even fucking try to get one. FUCK THIS. I am awesome alone, I got a taste of love and that would last me a life time. I am not going to crush myself at this stage, I am destined for greatness, I am destined to leave this damn Country and I don't want to be tied down. I worked hard to be different and I don't think it's a good idea to change. So, the lover boy is gone back now, Dfg the troll is back in control.

    I have a lot of ground to cover but I still hurt a bit inside but that's okay. Hopefully everything would work out.


    My advice; don't commit. If you're in Pakistan and want to marry or live with a girl think really hard. Even if she doesn't have kids it's a BIG commitment. There are no safety nets here, apart from your and her family there is no one, the Government doesn't help you out, the NGO's only steal money and there is the family disputes. If you're wise or don't think using your dick, DON'T COMMIT unless you have slept with every girl on the earth or have been in various short term relationship and always, ALWAYS question yourself and think things through. I was lucky because I had Totseans to share things. And I was unlucky as well because normally a guy would run away or take advantage of her but thankfully I have been build with a strong core reinforced by my beloved Community.

    Life is short, use it wisely, there is always another way to fix a problem and avoid throwing your life away just because you THINK it would work. Most fixes are superficial, also love never really lasts long. In the end it's just a partnership where both parties agree on certain rules and try their best to follow them.

    Oh I plan to explore the world and discover other cultures and meet Totseans around the World. I wanna have a drink with TDR, party with RemadE, date Chippy's D (TEHEHHEHE) and enjoy life while I can. I would be stuck here for a year or so but things are starting to look up for me.


    Again, thank you my family (you guys). I love my ability to bounce by :D. TO THE FUTURE!

    Oh and if you're a girl and reading this, I am the perfect guy you could ever dream off but I am sorry the ship has sailed. I can cook, wash and do all house chores, I can manage kids, I can handle any duty that a girl could and I am man that can be extremely honest, loving and someone who wouldn't back out. And if I love someone, I love them forever. My love is unconditional never ending but I also have a realistic mindset. So, if you think you can come and just be lazy don't bother. I wouldn't live with someone who doesn't feel pain or can't handle pressure and I wouldn't fit with someone that doesn't like working and exploring stuff or doesn't have any ambition. The part that loved my first love was because she had all those qualities and much more. So, if you can fit in her shoes @Dfg is the place to contact me. Otherwise, find someone else.

    Oh you MUST BE pretty good looking. For my love I walked and kept my body in shape, so I do handle requests if they demand a softer ass and more muscles but it's give in take. You stay in shape, you work your butt off and we both share equally. And if you're a Pakistani girl. Please don't bother. There was only ONE Pakistani girl worth figthing for and I can't have her nor she can have me. That's the limit for me. I went with this relationship only because I wanted to see if there is still some hope in Pakistan and apart from her there isn't any. Consdering how badly she was treated, I honestly don't ever want to start a life here nor should you.

    And living alone isn't that bad, learn to LOVE yourself. And your life will be much more complete. My weakness was I can't see someone in pain and I always looking to share my love and happiness with others, that's the real me. I don't want to change that but thanks to this I will guard it. The funny thing is I can't find any attractive now, I have lost interest in girls (Pakistani girls) and thanks to love hurt I would be unable for years to come which is pretty good because at stage of my life, I want to build myself for the future.


    Again thanks for reading this. I will say it again, if it wasn't for the kids and my respect for her freedom and wishes and the sitaution surrounding us I would have never backed out but it's all for the good. I love her and I hope her future ahead if filled with success and her children will outshine others and she can slap the faces of those assholes that destroyed her life. She is a warrior in every sense, there is no women in the world that can compete with her in my eyes. I thank her for being a part of my life, I will always think about her and pray for her. She is worth everything :).

    Have fun, time to work. Going to watch the Avengers on May 11th. I planned to see it with her but I also told myself I would see it with or without her. There is one thing she told me last night, I told her I couldn't stop crying, she told me crying doesn't fix or solve anything. She also told me that you focus on solving problems and avoid thinking about the past and you work and work untill you can no longer. You have to keep moving on because there is no turning back.

    Thank you my love.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited May 2012
    angryonion wrote: »
    Granted I didn't read the whole thing but the fact that she has three kids is a big red flag.
    RUN don't walk.I know that sounds harsh but the fact that you will be raising some other dudes kids is going to be a huge drain both mentally and financially.
    Especially if you plan on having kids of your own.
    My brother married a woman with three kids and it totally ruined his life he's 43 years old and still renting,no money,still drives a shit box that I have to fix on a monthly basis.
    RUN AWAY FAST AS YOU CAN.

    The exact same words I spoke to you in TS yesterday, run don't walk away.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited May 2012
    ^ This. Never would I ever enter a relationship with someone with kids let alone marrying her. Basically when a woman wants that, she is looking for a replacement father for her kids.

    This, a jillion times. If things get bad then murder/suicide to stop the little bastards polluting the Earth some more.

    Sucks that she had this side to her. She's weak for not mentioning it before, either that or she really likes you and can't ditch her husband and kids. Maybe go for a Russian Bride? Just south of their border. Sort of.

    But who am I to talk? I was infatuated with a lass for a year or so and look where I got. Shooting Morphine into my arse and playing Assassins Creed to wind down in the evening and avoiding Women as much as possible. My fap material is Efukt for gods sake.

    tl;dr - RUN BITCH, RUUUUN! Kids are a material and emotional burden, especially if you're Mr Nice guy. I wouldn't do it, mate. Take it on the chin, don't look too deep and move on. Heck, maybe buy a Russian Bride? Oh and I fap to Efukt.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited May 2012
    RemadE wrote: »
    This, a jillion times. If things get bad then murder/suicide to stop the little bastards polluting the Earth some more.

    Sucks that she had this side to her. She's weak for not mentioning it before, either that or she really likes you and can't ditch her husband and kids. Maybe go for a Russian Bride? Just south of their border. Sort of.

    But who am I to talk? I was infatuated with a lass for a year or so and look where I got. Shooting Morphine into my arse and playing Assassins Creed to wind down in the evening and avoiding Women as much as possible. My fap material is Efukt for gods sake.

    tl;dr - RUN BITCH, RUUUUN! Kids are a material and emotional burden, especially if you're Mr Nice guy. I wouldn't do it, mate. Take it on the chin, don't look too deep and move on. Heck, maybe buy a Russian Bride? Oh and I fap to Efukt.

    Haha, yeah I know love stinks after a while but honest to GOD she was different. I still feel a bit lonely and we only got on for a week. I have made up my mind and there is no point going back. 5 years, when her Son reaches 18 and if she is the same person I fell in love with, I would marry her or actually think about doing it. Because by that time I would have the resources and time to support her but in the meantime, I just want to get her out of this place if possible. She hasn't texted or called me. This is day one and I feel like shit man. There is like a deep hollowness inside me and it hurts like a fucker but I have to chin up and do what's right.

    She is valid for me but I am invalid for her and that's the honest truth. No matter how much I love her, the best thing is to help her out if possible and hope for the best. Again, my door of friendship and help is open. I haven't given her full story because I just can't talk about it plus I want to keep her private things private. I still love her :). Might love her for a long time until I find another one. Srsly considering having two wives in the future :P.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited May 2012
    Deep hollowness? Welcome to the world of love, brah. I was gonna ask - did you not see a wedding ring or anything at all? I was like you are now for ages after my last relationship but time heals. Just keep yourself amused and don't look for girls in porn like her. Just a tip :rolleyes:

    Hope to be on Teamspeak soon. Just watching a film with the Housemate. good on you for keeping private things private - except your privates *ba-dum tsch*. You actually sound like a lot like one of my best mates when he loses a girl. I get texts and texts about it but there's nothing you can really do as you have to convince her. You're doing well so avoid sulking and go be a man!

    Manly checklist:
    • Chop logs
    • Grow an awesome moustache
    • Do some weights/go for a hike
    • I would say brew your own beer but Paki's there aren't into that, so...
    • Lean something new
    • Do a good deed for a stranger (that you won't fancy, like someone's Granny or a Bloke)
    • Make some life goals *cough*ComeToTheUK*cough*
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited May 2012
    RemadE wrote: »
    Deep hollowness? Welcome to the world of love, brah. I was gonna ask - did you not see a wedding ring or anything at all? I was like you are now for ages after my last relationship but time heals. Just keep yourself amused and don't look for girls in porn like her. Just a tip :rolleyes:

    Hope to be on Teamspeak soon. Just watching a film with the Housemate. good on you for keeping private things private - except your privates *ba-dum tsch*. You actually sound like a lot like one of my best mates when he loses a girl. I get texts and texts about it but there's nothing you can really do as you have to convince her. You're doing well so avoid sulking and go be a man!

    Manly checklist:
    • Chop logs
    • Grow an awesome moustache
    • Do some weights/go for a hike
    • I would say brew your own beer but Paki's there aren't into that, so...
    • Lean something new
    • Do a good deed for a stranger (that you won't fancy, like someone's Granny or a Bloke)
    • Make some life goals *cough*ComeToTheUK*cough*

    No wedding ring, her story is a lot different. Basically she can never commit to a any form of relationship. I was the one thinking just maybe. What she really needed was a friend she can talk too but didn't even want that, I just popped as the only exception in her case. Don't worry the lover boy is replaced. I enjoyed the hollowness because any other day I would get over it but I thought she deserved some because well she was worth it. I got a text from her in the morning. She said she wouldn't text me but I knew she would anyway.

    Look it's not her fault that the damn Universe fucked her but that doesn't mean I will not support her or give her some motivation. Because I learned the hard way, a person like her just needs someone that give her a bit of push. I cannot commit myself, nor I have any plans for but to me she is a dear friend. I am starting to treat her the same way I treat you guys, with love and consideration. I guess that's the best I can do. The love etc I had is now replaced with respect and admiration. So, yeah I will be in touch with her if she needs help. Because I still believe there is a reason why we met and had this weird experience.

    Plus, I hate running away and considering her past it never hurts to have someone they can trust. Oh and I am not sulking over things, I bounce back pretty fast. Like I can stay in love for some time but if my logical engine takes over, then it's done. And I already made plans and arrangements, going to watch Avengers with my dad today, going to hospital to get my right arm checked for CTS. And then work.

    Basically what I am saying, the marriage thing is over. Not gonna happen for at least 5 years. And I am pretty sure it would not be her but if it's her I would ideally have two wives not just one. I am being a bit realistic here. Two sugar momma's :D or I would just remain single and have fun but honestly I don't want to fall in love and do the whole dance again. It's pretty counter productive and really takes a lot of energy away from you. I guess since we weren't physical or didn't have any contact the spark that started just faded away fast.

    :) I love myself :D
  • ArkansanArkansan Regular
    edited May 2012
    Admittedly I haven't read the entire thread, but, one thing I have always noticed when my friends and family marry people with prior children is that the other parent always becomes this giant third wheel in their relationship, they never manage to get away from the other person. Find someone who preferably has never been married before, or at least has no children, otherwise you always start the relationship with a shit load of baggage. Just my two cents.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited May 2012
    ^Thanks, I am in touch with her. Not really into the whole marriage thing now. I am just having a good time. I know for a fact now it wouldn't work even if I wanted too.
  • DaSkipperDaSkipper Regular
    edited September 2012
    LOLDFG talks to girls. This made me laugh.
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