Really Dark thoughts.

GoingNowhereGoingNowhere Global Moderator
edited July 2012 in Life
I don't know if this is a confession, admission, or what. A tad confused.

I've been getting some really dark thoughts thought this year (I think it's a year) and I'm wondering if they are normal. Every so often I see groups of people or chat to a person (recently online) that in an instance I want to completely eradicate and destroy them and I feel anger that they exist on this earth. Most of the time I haven't met them before and I get the feeling when I look around me, but this recent occasion happened today where I totally intellectually destroyed someone in an argument online (replying on a post of someone I know). To be honest it is occasions when I consider them intellectually inferior/stupid or/and sounding through their accents make them out to be extra-ordinarily common (like they are the bottom of the social strata).

Now here is the caveat, I consider myself intellectually ordinary and if I may say I'm the humblest person I know. I never put down any other individual and these feelings (which are quite rare) have never affected judgement. However, these feelings are strong when they happen and I was wondering if they were ordinary?

I hope this post does not change any view you have had of me, I just thought you would be the guys with the answers :)

Comments

  • SlartibartfastSlartibartfast Global Moderator -__-
    edited July 2012
    do you enjoy these thoughts? for some its a kink, like dodgy porn.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited July 2012
    First off, apologies for the wall of text. But please read.

    I'm glad you've posted this as I know I have been in your shoes, and probably experienced these thoughts at the very same time as you.
    The most important thing to remember is you are not alone. Most people have these thoughts, but it's the fragile line between thoughts and actions that can spell disaster if you decide to go and visit a psychiatrist which right now, I would advise against until you have thought about the options you have. Not that you mentioned it - luckily.

    At many times in my life I had considered myself intellectually superior, almost superhuman-like to those around me.
    All I saw were idiots who would live, buy, consume and die. It angered me, a lot. I was convinced I had the answers and have always been told without failure that I give excellent advice, "but never listen to myself". So there must be at least 50% working correctly in there, and the lessons you learn in life add to that ever-growing tapestry you can share with those who wish to learn - and learn from you.
    Even from a young age I took this anger out on a family member and this is the first time I have admitted this in the public domain, but I have attempted murder 3 times. The first two were when I was young and put sharp, tiny metal needles into a family members' meal. The second was not long after where I almost caused another family to have brain damage and they were in hospital for a fortnight. The third was when I was around 18 and put a lethal dose (or what I thought was) of drugs into someone's drink but after having their stomach pumped and were given drugs to combat the others, they survived. And yes I had a history of animal cruelty between the ages of 6 and 13. No cats or dogs etc though so you can stop hating me now :p
    I was never found out.

    So that's what you need to realise - the thin line between actions and thoughts.

    Online I suppose is fine. The majority of people, as shown through mediums like Facebook are fucking idiots and should be treated as such in my eyes until they decide to better themselves. As for your encounter I don't know what you said, but I know you are a very articulate kid and despite problems with the educational system that we spoke about many moons ago on Teamspeak, you are talented as fuck and so a clash of that - being treated unfairly by the education system despite being talented, can be a melting pot of extreme emotions. You may not know the source of anger, but things like that can cause you to have thoughts that are way out of proportion to how a "regular" person would. Just remember that people are what they make themselves, and if they are born into ignorance and choose to stay on that path like, say, their Parents did, then you've already beaten them.

    I say "regular" as such because nobody is "regular" or "normal". See my post introduction - we all have issues.

    You have a load of time ahead of you to change things and it's possible. However the real-life interactions is where I am worried, mostly for your safety.
    Lashing out against somebody will not satisfy that craving to harm others. In fact it can make you want to do it again (if you don't get the shit kicked out of you) as the adrenaline rush was so huge.

    Luckily you have said these thoughts have not yet affected your judgement, and that is great. Seriously. That separates you from a lowlife thug who is bitter at the world, whereas like I said, you have talent and don't waste it.

    I speak to my Mother regularly as our mental health is similar, and she often says "if anyone looked at my diaries when I was a teenager and into my early twenties, even after I met your Dad, I'd be locked up".
    Now I don't know what's in these diaries, but if they are anything like mine, I can certainly get an idea.
    At College I would spend a lot of time in the local gunsmiths, looking at shotguns and other firearms I could use in an imaginary shoot-up there. I would think of things such as "if I had 5 people in a line, what calibre round would I need to penetrate all their skulls?" and even go so far as to get a map of the College and mark out potential nail bomb planting areas, even counting ones for the evacuation to maximise casualties - and the same goes for festivals (as personally, I can't stand them).
    Why?
    Because I thought of myself as better than those around me. And in some cases I was. Others I wasn't, but I fooled myself into thinking I was.

    Then university rolled around and I was known as "machete" because I would keep one in my room and meditate with it on my lap before going out and possibly coming across someone I disliked.
    Then after a few run-ins, University ended and I realised that academically I'm not amazing, but I learnt a lot about Human nature and the way we operate. How to blag a job, better treatment from staff and all other aspects of social engineering which fulfilled my craving to be extraordinarily superior, as nobody else would be that bold.
    I just didn't need a weapon, my fists or my sharp tongue.
    You can destroy people by making them your friends as Abraham Lincoln said. And most of them won't notice a thing if you do it over a long period of time.

    I hope that you don't choose to see a psychiatrist because as soon as they hear of possible homicidal thoughts, alarm bells ring and they threaten to get the Police involved (I stupidly named my ex girlfriend's friend who broke our relationship up as someone I'd love to "get back at") and that was enough for a chat to the Police about what my actions would result in.
    I wasn't stupid, and I could have easily fucked her up many times before that session, but you get the idea.

    So in essence, you're far from alone, but you've managed to identify the "abnormal" thoughts and at least do something about it. Intellectually superior or not, I know for a fact that you are gifted but don't let that go to your head and turn into arrogance because that will make things tougher for you. And don't do what I did and start on a guy because he was wearing a Jack Wills* t-shirt. Find an outlet, spend less time on or in places that you know can cause you grief and just remember - you aren't alone. I can guarantee that if you brought this up to anyone in the street, they would have had homicidal/violent thoughts, but not necessarily from a "superior" sense. But I certainly know that feeling. Having an outlet is very important, so this first step is the hardest, so congrats on making it.
    It may seem small, but at least you can see what's going on in your noggin (as many people can't - so they snap).

    All the best, and if you ever need a chat, I can send you my mobile number or find you on Skype/come onto Teamspeak. I'm glad I found this thread before I logged off and went to bed - because I have a psychiatric evaluation at 11am to make sure I am alright for the hospital and won't cut up the Doctors with a scalpel.
    Now there's irony for ya.

    * - Similar to your Abercrombie and Fitch crap for the Americans here, but it has a twist of British Nationalism to it.
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator In your girlfriends snatch
    edited July 2012
    No reply yet from GoingNowhere. I guess he must be still reading RemadEs post. :o
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited July 2012
    Haha...

    Fuck you ;) :p

    D'aww, gimme a hug, BK.
  • GoingNowhereGoingNowhere Global Moderator
    edited July 2012
    Haha noo, I hadn't replied because I'm not a night owl as you guys seemed to be and I made the post then went to sleep :P

    Remade, that post was immense and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This kind of thing is especially troublesome to me as it is the very opposite of who I try to be, and doesn't reflect my true self. However on the bright side it happens quite rarely (last one was month and a half ago). It has been exceedingly interesting to hear your story and to know that I am not alone in these thoughts, and I do think I must endeavor to not just recognize them after they have happened (kind of like how a panic attack works I guess) but to shake myself out of it when it does happen. Your advice is certainly well received, and I shall follow what you say. I think I've gone for too long from participating in martial arts and it always seemed to keep me more centered and has helped me allot while growing up (used to be very hyperactive). I don't think the psychiatrist is needed as it probably needs to get worst for that :)

    Thankyou very much for the support Remade, you sir are a gem. I'll keep this thread up to date with any developments too :)
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited July 2012
    Shall do, Sir. Glad I could have been of help.

    If you find there are any triggers that cause these dark moods and if you feel comfortable, post them here. You may find a pattern emerge. Or like me, it may be totally random and out-of-the-blue. Regardless, noticing things that are unhelpful is an important stage in moving away from a crappy mindset.

    As for my advice, I'm no Saint, but it's not often I can find someone else and go "Hey, I know exactly how you feel", especially with the superhuman thoughts aspect. It is frustrating in a world full of people who live to work and don't have the free time to better themselves (or if they do, it's generally because they are unemployable and do not wish to help themselves). Both of which I can see a clear link to your pattern of thinking.

    Also just because I can say, I had my case Worker (not Psychiatrist, as I learnt) come to my place today as I now have a hernia, and we discussed my triggers (which I said can be anything from a negative comment to the clothes someone wears or the posters they have on their walls (I learnt a lot of my annoyances through University). It all culminated tonight where I almost lost my shit as a friend forced themselves over without telling me (he's 46 + his wife) to "make me feel better about the upcoming surgery". In essence he achieved the total opposite, reinforcing the fact I find it hard to call friends in times of need, and having my Sister make proper dickish comments to me.
    I also had to deal with a Mother today who's Daughter was the most abusive little cunt I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, and she said "Do you recall the time you stood up my little Danielle at her Prom that night? We just laugh about it now"

    "Oh really?" I snapped back to the wannabe upper-class bint., "well if your lovely Daughter didn't threaten me with some guy in case I upset her, calling me every name under the sun, that is why I stood the bitch up and went off to have an awesome night with mates, plus she found another guy pretty quickly which to me, says a lot". And this was all taking place at my Nan's old place of work, a retirement home for Catholic Scholars where I go for peace and solitude.
    She is an assistant nurse there. So I have my moments. It's just a case of learning when to pick the right ones.

    Anyway, rant aside, I hope things start to look up and brighter for you soon. Not everyone in the World is bad. Try just a half-smile. It does work, and so by tricking your brain into releasing a small amount of endorphins as it thinks you have smiled fully, possibly at something positive.
    I do recall resembling a psychopath when I tried it at university and the City I lived in, but fuck everyone else - it worked and I was a hardcore skeptic.

    Much love, Brother from another Mother :thumbsup:
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