Summer Surgery, yay!

RemadERemadE Global Moderator
edited January 2012 in Life
So I saw the Hospital Staff yesterday, and I have got to the point of my gut "living on borrowed time", so they want to take out 6" of my small intestine including my appendix.
The one comforting thing is the Surgeon who is doing it is the best in the Country with only a 2% failure rate.
However I just can't get my head around it for 2 reasons:

1) The fact my gut will be fused together and weakened. However it is like that now, so I still get the heeby-jeebies just thinking about it.

2) My Eugenic-riddled mind, causing me to be a real suicidal twat. Not that I often think about it, but when I go to the Hospital I think about what a burden I am and that we should live how Nature intended. Maybe it has roots in my Fascist period of 13 to 17 years old where I was in denial.

So it's scheduled sometime for the Summer. I'm currently on a course of steroids and I need to get my head around it all. If I wake up with a colostomy bag at the age of 22, then I will be a real wreck. 4 days in hospital and the thought my gut could come apart at any moment.
Also no smoking or drinking for life.

Time to get some other drugs, then. Damn you NHS.

Comments

  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited January 2012
    If nature didn't intend for medical science to prolong and or improve our lives then it would not have put the resources on this planet for us to develop to this point. Nor would it have endowed us with brains capable of developing those resources.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited January 2012
    Cheers for that, bro. That's actually more than comforting.
    Had a good think of it today. Still get the heeby-jeebies as this is what's going to happen. Just wondering how it doesn't come apart with the stitches. I can't sit still and my biggest fear is having a colostomy bag. Not that I intend on eating anything soon.
    Just need to defeat my self-destructive side. In one day I can turn from a loved-up euphoric twenty-something to a suicidal nutjob that actually makes a suicide necklace with explosives if things get too bad.
    No surprises I'm seeing people to chill me out before this all goes ahead. The Morphine button sounds appealing after the surgery though - and I said in front of the surgeon "for a week before, you best give me an unlimited supply of benzodiazepines"

    My consultant who was sitting in the corner of the room just facepalmed and went "for gods sake, RemadE, enough of the drugs"
    "Look, you're the one giving me them!"
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited January 2012
    Yeah, medical pros piss me off. If you even mentioned that you did drugs ever they treat you like Kieth Richards.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited January 2012
    Yeah, medical pros piss me off. If you even mentioned that you did drugs ever they treat you like Kieth Richards.

    I tell them quite a lot in all fairness. Said that when I was in Amsterdam I used almost no painkillers as I had access to good value, high quality hash. that as well as beating Tramadol (which I now use sparingly if I eat something as to avoid blocking me up). My consultant, as much as I like her and having somabout her, said that my borderline personality could be caused by a lack of nutrition to the brain - which I found slightly insulting as my drinks contain the following:
    Drink%20details%20%28Medium%29.jpg

    Note that is per 100ml, when the drink is actually 200ml, so it's double the amounts there, and I have 6 to 8 a day

    Also my Dad interrupted shortly after she said it (as this was the first time he has met her in the 5 years I've been diagnosed) by saying "he has been like this ever since he was a kid. Having full blown conversations at 10 months, reading books like no tomorrow and either loving or hating something to the point where it stops him from functioning". I even recorded him telling me a few home truths about my childhood once.
    Talking of Keith Richards though, my Dad, Mum and I went to one of his parties on the South Coast and stole the Toilet sign as a memento, and have it in our house. Really nice chap.

    Maybe it was him who got the ball rolling for me.
    No, in all seriousness, I remember the first time I was given Valium (2mg) before getting my ingrown toenails done under general anaesthetic at the age of 15 and I was adament not to take them, so much so I stared at the packet for a good 30 minutes with my Mum saying "you aren't leaving the house until you take one to see how you'll react before the procedure".
    Looking back on it, I can safely say that was my first drug experience. If it wasn't for Erowid telling me what a good recreational dose was or meeting ToTSEans in real life, I'd never have really taken a shine to pharmaceuticals.
    In a way, I'm glad it happened. Learnt a lot.

    Oh, and this...

    Plus I had a knock on my door from University Security earlier. I had left the syringe I use to plug morphine out in my bathroom as it was being sterilised (lovely image there) as well as my cutlery washing up as I basically live in my room. One of the cleaners, during the process of changing my shower head because of new Health and Safety rules on Legionairres Disease, saw the spoon and syringe and told Security.
    We just kicked back and had a beer. They know what I'm like. Could get away with murder here.
  • SlartibartfastSlartibartfast Global Moderator -__-
    edited January 2012
    I once intimately knew a girl who has surgery on her ingrown toenail. The resulting look was a complete turn-off. It was probably compounded by my attention (not attraction) to womens feet.

    Anyway, RemadE: you sound very sickly; your stomach seems to be a reaccuring theme in your life. Maybe chopping off the bad bits of your gut will reduce the issues.

    Good luck and all that...
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited January 2012
    RemadE wrote: »
    I tell them quite a lot in all fairness. Said that when I was in Amsterdam I used almost no painkillers as I had access to good value, high quality hash. that as well as beating Tramadol (which I now use sparingly if I eat something as to avoid blocking me up). My consultant, as much as I like her and having somabout her, said that my borderline personality could be caused by a lack of nutrition to the brain - which I found slightly insulting as my drinks contain the following:
    Drink%20details%20%28Medium%29.jpg

    Note that is per 100ml, when the drink is actually 200ml, so it's double the amounts there, and I have 6 to 8 a day

    Also my Dad interrupted shortly after she said it (as this was the first time he has met her in the 5 years I've been diagnosed) by saying "he has been like this ever since he was a kid. Having full blown conversations at 10 months, reading books like no tomorrow and either loving or hating something to the point where it stops him from functioning". I even recorded him telling me a few home truths about my childhood once.
    Talking of Keith Richards though, my Dad, Mum and I went to one of his parties on the South Coast and stole the Toilet sign as a memento, and have it in our house. Really nice chap.

    Maybe it was him who got the ball rolling for me.
    No, in all seriousness, I remember the first time I was given Valium (2mg) before getting my ingrown toenails done under general anaesthetic at the age of 15 and I was adament not to take them, so much so I stared at the packet for a good 30 minutes with my Mum saying "you aren't leaving the house until you take one to see how you'll react before the procedure".
    Looking back on it, I can safely say that was my first drug experience. If it wasn't for Erowid telling me what a good recreational dose was or meeting ToTSEans in real life, I'd never have really taken a shine to pharmaceuticals.
    In a way, I'm glad it happened. Learnt a lot.

    Oh, and this...

    Plus I had a knock on my door from University Security earlier. I had left the syringe I use to plug morphine out in my bathroom as it was being sterilised (lovely image there) as well as my cutlery washing up as I basically live in my room. One of the cleaners, during the process of changing my shower head because of new Health and Safety rules on Legionairres Disease, saw the spoon and syringe and told Security.
    We just kicked back and had a beer. They know what I'm like. Could get away with murder here.

    Thank you for that video, that is the 1st thing that has made me laugh this year.
  • dr rockerdr rocker Regular
    edited January 2012
    Well, if Giai had intended us to cure all out ills, I am pretty sure she provided us with nuclear isotopes, heavy metals and the means to produce dioxins so we could kill the planet.

    However, as for your predicament Remade, I do not know your diagnosis, cannot remember if you have said other than symptoms, but I know we have explored the eugenics thing in conversation before - my view is every person should live their lives, but people should not reproduce if they have some condition they are likely to pass on that would require continuing medical interventions to preserve a normal life. You have been dealt the cards you have been dealt, but as with all good games of poker, it comes down to face and balls at the end of the day. You have balls, treat the condition as an opponent in a game and while you might never beat it, harrass it as much as your spirit allows.

    With regards to your bowel seperating after surgery, take it from me that the chances of this happening are remote. In your case, it will not happen. No reason to believe me on that, but a couple of weeks after the surgery when you are getting back to yourself and we see you back here posting again, read where I said it will not happen again. ;)

    A colostomy, whilst not sounding like fun - having your own shit in a bag attached to your abdomen and a lifetime of bag changing and not wanting to eat things just in case could lead to a better quality of life than reconstructive bowel surgery anyway. Sure, its not sexy, but you can still get a bath, swim in a pool, do all the things you can do now - I have enough family members who have had to have one through bowel cancer to know this. I have a few mates who have had conditions similar to what you have (as described) and they have had bowel section surgery. Some of them wished they had just went for the colostomy anyway.

    The biggest loss I have been told by anyone who has had a colostomy who I know is that they do not fart anymore, or get to read on the toilet.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited January 2012
    dr rocker wrote: »
    Well, if Giai had intended us to cure all out ills, I am pretty sure she provided us with nuclear isotopes, heavy metals and the means to produce dioxins so we could kill the planet.

    However, as for your predicament Remade, I do not know your diagnosis, cannot remember if you have said other than symptoms, but I know we have explored the eugenics thing in conversation before - my view is every person should live their lives, but people should not reproduce if they have some condition they are likely to pass on that would require continuing medical interventions to preserve a normal life. You have been dealt the cards you have been dealt, but as with all good games of poker, it comes down to face and balls at the end of the day. You have balls, treat the condition as an opponent in a game and while you might never beat it, harrass it as much as your spirit allows.

    I have crohn's, which in a quick run-down is an inflammation and scarring of my gut (mostly the latter part of my intestines near the appendix and where the small and large intestine join, which is where my concerns lay). As said many times, my current mindset is to not have children, purely because I don't wish to pass on this hell I've been through. I'm sure it pales in comparison to other diseases such as Cancer, AIDS and the like, but each to their own, y'know. Countless pills (currently on 8 prednisolone - steroids a day, as well as 4g of pentasa - an anti inflammatory, benzodiazepenes for panic attacks and my injections, painkillers such as morphine, codeine and the odd bit of tramadol after beating that addiction but it helps if I manage to eat as it doesn't constipate me as much as regular opiates. Oh and not forgetting my beloved Humira injections which I had to do tonight - every other Friday). Also living a normal life and having a relationship with this frankly rather intimate issue, which can result in me legging it to the nearest toilet with butt cheeks held together like superglue was there is just a total ego killer. The last thing I need is a repeat of a close call where I almost pull a Spud from Trainspotting where I nearly shit the bed. It's no fun, and I never have a forecast longer than a week, so I want to make the most of life with my closest mates - some of which are from &T I met back in 2006. Like you said with the cards I've been dealt - that's very true. So far I've managed to hold a brave face in public for the most part. Being by myself sucks though as I have urges to neck pills as I have a very unstable mood, like the sort where I made a necklace from shotgun shells "just in case I wake up with a colostomy bag". Contrast that with the euphoria I get from even talking to people like TDR on Teamspeak or the like, which as he also knows, I get goosebumps and almost full-bodied orgasms on the high part of my mental plane of existence.
    dr rocker wrote: »
    With regards to your bowel seperating after surgery, take it from me that the chances of this happening are remote. In your case, it will not happen. No reason to believe me on that, but a couple of weeks after the surgery when you are getting back to yourself and we see you back here posting again, read where I said it will not happen again. ;)

    It is that which really gets to me. I have made it perfectly clear that I won't do blood transfusions as the thought of something else not mine flowing through my arteries, veins and capillaries just gives me the bad goosebumps. The same for being weakened by having stitches/staples in my gut. My Father had his Gall Bladder removed and he is fine, but I just worry that when I do eat (which will be a huge mental hurdle to overcome after 5 years of almost not eating anything), my gut will tear at the joint they put together. In the words of my Consultant though - "there is more a chance of that happening now, and you're living on borrowed time". Call it scare tactics, but I can see where she is coming from. The scarring is there which restricts the movement of food, but the injections, an immunosuppressant, in combination with 5 years of anti-inflammatories, have so far stemmed the creation of new scarring and further possibilities of blockage. Also there is not a shadow of a dobt that I'll ever give up on this place. Regardless of the intermittent drama, I love it more than life itself - because &ToTSE has actually kept me alive (thanks to Tordek Battlehammer, reject and a few others who are still with us). Even my family are grateful I found this place otherwise I'd be a lost cause, overdosed and comatose or just leading an even more pointless existence.
    dr rocker wrote: »
    A colostomy, whilst not sounding like fun - having your own shit in a bag attached to your abdomen and a lifetime of bag changing and not wanting to eat things just in case could lead to a better quality of life than reconstructive bowel surgery anyway. Sure, its not sexy, but you can still get a bath, swim in a pool, do all the things you can do now - I have enough family members who have had to have one through bowel cancer to know this. I have a few mates who have had conditions similar to what you have (as described) and they have had bowel section surgery. Some of them wished they had just went for the colostomy anyway.

    I called my Nurse/Consultant and left a message asking about the chances of having a colostomy bag and am waiting for them to call back on Monday (leaving a message at 4am won't get me far but I couldn't sleep for anxiety). It's just the thought of having a shit bag attached to me which really gets to me. No control over how far it fills up (which I'm sure can be overcome after time). The thought of a 22 year old, in his prime and without trying to flatter myself, a renowned ladies man, it is just a total confidence killer. If anything, I can count the amount of times I've gone for a dump and it's less than 100 in the last few years as I eat almost mothing. The most adventurous I get is a bit of Peking Duck once in a blue moon, and Soup/my drinks as posted earlier once in a while (drinks are 6-8 a day, but are liquid). Also the move to food will mean I have to curb my rather, at times, recckless (ab)use of opiates which I guess is a good thing. Tramadol has gone out the window (other than the aforementioned reasons) but I know from experience that codeine and morpine do not go well with food. 2 acute overdoses with a collapsed gut from the amount of blocked up food there is enough to either stop me from eating (whicch I am used to in all fairness) or stop taking/weaning off opiates. After 6 years, it will be a challenge.
    dr rocker wrote: »
    The biggest loss I have been told by anyone who has had a colostomy who I know is that they do not fart anymore, or get to read on the toilet.

    I quite enjoy playing "Dope Wars" or "Dynamite Fishing" on my phone on the bog which would suck. If I don't get the bag or have gut protruding from my belly like a war casualty then hopefully I'll be able to lead a somewhat normal life. I have to get over my fear of eating food and apparently there will have to be a significantly less amount of smokign and alcohol in my life which also suks. If I do get this surgery which, yes, I am leaning towards (family and friend pressure, as I care more for friends at the moment as they have seen me both at my best and worst, as well as third-party opinions from counsellors etc) then I would hate to live a sober life. I do my best work intoxicated, and I know it's not an ideal lifestyle choice, but there will be no need for painkillers, and I'd be petrified to take them, plus no alcohol, smoking 9which is good as I'd hate another operation for cancer), or other drugs (I guess psychedelics are allowed), then I guess it's back to living the 9 to 5 Rat Race which is my biggest fear.

    I have to say though dr rocker, that although we have had our differences over the last few months with the new .info domain, I cannot thank you enough for posting in this thread. You're a top bloke which makes me glad I stuck around during the transition. All the best from the South coast, mate <3
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