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Kids in the Hall FAQ 1.9 4/4: Transcripts of KITH
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Archive-name: tv/kids-in-hall/part4
Last-modified: 1995/4/23
Version: 1.9
Posting-Frequency: monthly
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The Official Usenet alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ List
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Part 4: Transcripts of The Kids in the Hall Sketches
See Parts 1-3 of this FAQ (posted separately) for more information.
Administrivia
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This FAQ would not be possible without the contributions of Kids in the
Hall fans. Please see the complete list of contributors in Part 1 of
this FAQ. Thank you to all who contributed! This FAQ is maintained by
Drew Davidson ([email protected]). Please see the submission
guidelines in Part 1 of this FAQ if you have corrections or submissions.
This FAQ is written in the WWW FAQ Format by Thomas Fine. This format
allows automatic conversion from text to WWW hypertext.
[+] Indicates new or revised answers. See also summary of changes in
Part 1 of this FAQ.
Contents:
~~~~~~~
Transcripts/Lyrics
4.01) Transcript of Dr. Seuss Bible
4.02) Lyrics to Bim Bam Baby
4.03) Hangover Sketch
4.04) The Death of Rock -- Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck
4.05) Mississippi Gary's Life-After-Death Song
4.06) Lyrics to Running Faggot Song
4.07) Lyrics to Terrier Song
4.08) Lyrics to These Are the Daves I Know Song
4.09) The Night Bruce Connected with his Dog (The Dog for Whom I
Feel Nothing)
4.10) Letter to the Hospital
4.11) Tammy Video: Ain't Gonna Spread for No Roses
4.12) Bruce On How To Break Into Show Biz
4.13) The Guy with a Good Attitude Towards Menstruation
4.14) Buddy: Actor, Singer, Dancer and Model
4.15) Bikini Inspector
4.16) Mushroom Boy
4.17) I Did Not Find Love...
4.18) Celebrity Problems
4.19) Sandwich People
4.20) Bruce: The Cause of Cancer
4.21) Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter
4.22) Stop the World, We Broke up
4.23) Open Letter to the Guy That Stole His Bike Wheel/
Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal His Bike
Wheel [+]
4.24) I'm a Bad Doctor
4.25) Communist Threat
4.26) On the Subject of Me
4.27) Dean and Lex and some Videos
4.28) Gavin at the Funeral
4.29) Buddy Seeks a New Lover
4.30) Daddy Drank
4.31) Gavin at the Butcher-shop
4.32) Mississippi Gary and Kathie Have it Out
4.33) McGillicutty and Greene
4.34) Fletcher Christian [+]
4.35) Liposuction [+]
Who contributed to this FAQ?
Copyright Information
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Transcripts and Lyrics
----------------------
4.01) Lyrics to Bim Bam Baby
[originally by Buddy Grecko]
(spoken)
Hey Man!
This is the Best-Looking Man in the World...
(sung)
Get a mip-map-mop and a brim-bram-broom
And clim-clam-clean up the rim-ram-room,
Cause your bim-bam-baby's
Coming home tonight.
Get my slim-slam-slippers
And my easy chair,
Roll your flim-flam-fingers
Through my greasy hair,
And kiss me baby,
Let me hold you tight.
I been north and south and east and west,
But even a husband ???? needs some rest. /* sounds like "honeydon" */
When I get my jacket and my trousers pressed,
I gotta foe swall ???? right back to the nest.
Don't you wim-wam-worry
I'll ???? translate
I'm gonna ???? shim-sham-shuffle on a frim-fram-freight
Gimme ???? your bim-bam-baby's
Shaking home tonight.
Flim Flam
A Bim Bam
Flim Flam
A Rim Ram
Shoop Do Wap
Do Do Ow
Doo Do Wah
4.02) Transcript of Dr. Seuss Bible
From [email protected] (Kurt Schroeder)
and [email protected] (Drew):
And now, the Dr. Suess Bible!
One day God said
This is what I will do
I'll send down my son
I'll send him to you
To clear up this humpity
Bumpity hulabaloo
His name will be Christ
And he'll never wear shoes
And his pals will all call
Him the King of the Jews
He didn't come in a plane
He didn't come in a jeep
He didn't come in the pouch
Of a high jumping vo veep
He rode on the back of a black sasatoo
Which is the blackiest creature
You ever could view
He rode to Jerusalem
Home of the grumpity Jews
Where false prophets are worshipped
Some even in two's
There was Murrary Von Mer
And Genghis Vo Vooze
The one you could worship
By taking a snooze
Christ spoke from a mound
Which is a pile of ground
And people gathered around
Without making a sound
And thus he spake
Sin in socks
Socks full of sin
How do we quiet this
Jehoviadin din
Do unto others as
They do unto you
That includes you
Young Timothy Foo
One pharisee said to another he knew
What do we do with this upitty jew
We can wash him in wine
And make him all clean
And into Sam Zittle's
Crucifixtion Machine
Twirl the gawhril
And relase the gavlease
And in go the nails
As fast as you please
And it is said that he
Said as he bled:
Forgive them Father
For they know not what they do
For they walk through this life
In toe crampity [crappity?] shoes.
Do you?
Amen.
4.03) Hangover Sketch
From [email protected] (Kurt Schroeder):
The details are cloudly. Luckily in my haze I took notes. The events
I can speak of only now, but I can taste it like it was yesterday.
The reason I survived? Perhaps to tell the tale...
The Hangover
Day One.
At 4:00 p.m. I wake up. By 9:00 p.m. I can make out shapes. I swear
on the bible, although I don't actually own a bible, never again.
Day Two
I am suprised to find a man asleep on my couch. He tells me he shares
the same hangover and that he works with me. He teaches me this game
called "Screaming Numbers," and we play until the neighbors complain.
Day Three
Yay! I can move my head! I can move my head!
Day Four
I take a short walk. I go to my answering machine. I check it. Good
news. Only one person called. Bad news. It's my girlfriend and she
called 17 times, referring to herself oddly as my "ex-girlfriend."
Day Five
Finding a reflective surface, I am happy to note that my teeth have not
been, in fact, removed with a hunting knife. I play a game of screaming
numbers to celebrate. 11! 32! 9!
Day Six
An angel appears. He brings me a pizza. He wants only paper for it. How
beautiful his eyelashes are. Looking at the pizza I note I am now color
blind. I fall asleep thinking of all of the old black and white films I
have enjoyed--and will watch again.
Day Seven
Hey, something smells!
Day Eight
Today I suspect I am not hung over at all, but, in fact, an old man. An
old man and I have been trapped in a hammock, spun around, and left to
die. Left to die by people I do not remember and can't hate them by name.
Day Nine
Further exploration of my answering machine reveals (although I have no
recollection of this) I went into work. I went into work just long
enough to play a game of screaming numbers and picked up what turned
out to be my last check.
Day Ten
Call a press conference. Only Steve Anthony of City TV arrives. I decide
not to let him in.
Day Eleven
I go to my ex-girlfriend's house and propose marriage. She does not
accept. Neither does the man she refers to as "the new guy." After
three hours she vows to take me back if I vow to stop drinking. Have
small drink to celebrate. Snowflake becomes blizzard.
Day Twelve
See day one.
4.04) The Death of Rock -- Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck
From [email protected] (Kurt Schroeder):
Bobby: No, Mr Gorgenchuck, I will not stop rockin' in your classroom.
You're sittin' there telling me about the food chain, well how about
the rock chain? Instead of a cow at the top there's like maybe a
guitar. Cause Mr. Gorgenchuck, if I don't feel free to rock, be it here
or anywhere, you might as well cut off my limbs, might as well cut
off my limbs and mail them to Mother Russia. Cause if I can't rock, I
don't want to walk. If I can't air guitar, I don't want no air at all.
So, Mr Gorenchuck, if you really want me to stop rockin', I hope
you're prepared to sand off my face. Are you sir? Are you prepared to
grind me up, burn my bones, and scatter the ashes in the far reaches of
the universe? Cause that is what it's gonna take sir. You and I are
mortal, but rock and roll will never die.
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Now that's just where you're wrong Bobby. Recent
studies show that rock and roll is, in fact, dying.
Bobby: What??
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Popular music has been on the wane since 1974, the
year of the first Bad Company release.
Bobby: I have that album.
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Ha ha ha, of course you do Bob. You see poor live
performances by the likes of Chuck Berry and even Jerry Lee Lewis are
destroying the music that they alledge to celebrate. And tests show
that a Beach Boys concert is a very sad thing. This coupled with the
growing interest in ethnic music has undermined the support base of the
music that you and your friends love.
Bobby: What??
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Let's see if I can't put this into terms you'll
understand. Say you had 12 beer.
Bobby: Oh, okay all right!
Mr. Gorgenchuck: All right! Now let's say that four of those beer rep-
resent the Pogues, another six represent the Gypsy Kings, and one beer
is shared by The Chieftains and Lady Smith Black Mombaza.
Bobby: Hold it, that only leaves one beer. I'll never get drunk on one
beer!
Mr Gorgenchuck: Exactly Bob. But learn to nurse that beer and before you
know it, you'll be loving jazz!
Bobby: Jazz!? Never!!
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Tests don't lie Bob.
Bobby: How long...has rock got?
Mr. Gorgenchuck: According to a computer model, three years. About the
time you'll be graduating.
Bobby: Then I'll live each day like my rockin' last!
Mr. Gorgenchuck: Where as I will look forward to the dominance of jazz!
Bobby: Then you sir are my nemesis!
(Mr Gorgenchuck begins to play the flute...)
Bobby: No! No! Ahhhh!
4.05) Mississippi Gary's Life-After-Death Song
[Mark as Mississippi Gary]
[spoken]
You know, recently, I had a heart attack. For several minutes
Mississippi Gary was clinically dead. I was followin' the white light
to heaven. Now when I got there, I was given a choice of 17 door. Now
behind the first door was a rose, which signified... never mind that.
An angel of the Lord then came to me, and give me a 7-sided die, which
he bade me to roll 12 time. Now the first roll was a 4, which means
that the four corners of the world... well never mind that. Eventually
I was brought in front of God himself. Now God was sittin' up on a bar
stool with an old beat-up guitar. And he said to me, "Mississippi Gary,
you is not to be dead yet. Because I want you to take this here song,
and play it for all my children on the planet Earth." So I learned this
song, and it meant so very much to me, so I like y'all at home to turn
on your VCR's, so you can learn it and study it. The words of God.
[sung]
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll,
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll,
I'm runnin' up a flag without a pole,
I'm walkin' on a shoe without a sole,
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.
(OK here i' comes, lesson one.)
You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan.
(You know it's the truth.)
You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan.
You shouldn't rob a bank without a plan,
You shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan.
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.
(Now here come lesson number two.)
Shouldn't wanna do it if you don't want to not do it right.
Eba-dabba-dooba-daba-deba-daba-do, all right.
(I ain't makin' this up.)
You don't go dancin' in the day,
You don't golfin' in the night.
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.
(Yeah.)
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.
Praise the Lord!
4.06) Lyrics to Running Faggot Song
From [email protected] (Ben Osheroff):
Mark & Bruce: This is a song about a great folk hero. Running
free...running free...running faggot. Running faggot running free;
see the faggot, see the running faggot, running faggot running free.
Running faggot (Scott): Howdy stripling.
Stripling (Kevin): Howdy....faggot.
RF: Well, what can I do for you?
Stripling: My puppy's hungry, I don't know what to do!
RF: Hm. Why not try feeding it puppy food?
Stripling: Good idea, faggot! Why don't you stick around and see the
results?
RF: Nope. Gotta be hitching a ride on the wind.
M&B: Running faggot running free; see the faggot he fed a puppy,
running faggot running free.
RF: Howdy, stranger.
Gunfighter (Dave): Good ta see ya, faggot.
RF: Well, what seems to be the problem?
Gunfighter: Well I'll let ya have it straight. We're surrounded on all side
by about 10,000 angry Indians, and it looks like there's only (pulls out
gun) one way out.
RF: Have you ever thought of talking to them?
M&B: Running faggot running; he stopped the carnage by gettin' folks a
talkin' 'stead just a sqawkin', sqawkin' and a gawkin', mockin' and a
rockin', running free.
Rednecks (Dave and Kevin): Yeeeeha! Walkin' talkin' stereotypes! Yeeeha!
Dave: Look what we got here...
Kevin: Got ourselves a pretty little faggot.
Dave: Guess we better beat on him.
Kevin: Guess so.
M&B: Running faggot, running free; see the faggot running from the
rednecks, running free. Run you faggot run you! Run you faggot run you!
Run you faggot running free.
Bruce: Godspeed through Texas, faggot.
Mark: Via con Dios, el Faggot.
4.07) Lyrics to Terrier Song
From Tom Walsh and [email protected] (Liz Kane) and
[email protected] (Carissa Leeson):
(Dialog)
Kevin (in drag, holding a dog): "I just got him and I love him and I'm
going to name him and it's going to be a perfect name 'cause he's the
perfect dog and I love him....isn't he great?"
Bruce: "No. I don't like him."
K: "What?"
B: "Sorry"
K: "What's wrong with him?"
B: "He's just not my type of dog...he's just not...a terrier"
(sung by Bruce)
Terriers are my very favourite breed
They're cute and cuddly and easy dogs to feed
They'll bring you up whenever you are down
Terriers average 20 pounds
When I walk around in this terrier town
One thing that makes me down
Is when people put bandanas on their dogs
Terriers are my very favourite breed
Cute and cuddly, easy dogs to feed
Terriers were there in the 11th century
Napoleon had one to prevent misery
Terriers are good with the aged
Studies show that they prolong old peoples' lives
No one wants to die
Like this guy died
Die die, die die
Die die, die die
Worms eating your eyes
Bass solo
(Notices women behind him in black bikini's and veils)
Ah, excuse me ladies, you're scantily clad and have nothing
to do with the narrative. Therefore, it's sexist. Sorry.
(they go away..)
Wow, that hurt.
You know those mornings that you just can't get out of bed,
and you call in sick, if you had a job.
You know those mornings when you just wanna watch TV, eat corn
chips and masturbate.
Sure you do.
Well, when those days happen..
what you should do is start thinking about my friends.
My little furry, waterproof pals.
You know I'm talking about.....
Les terriers sont mes types favourites
Jolies, charmantes
Pas de probleme a maintenir
Il donnent du joie
Quand tu es "blue"
Les terries sont a peu pres
Vingt livres
Give terriers a chance (Yeh!)
Do the terrier dance
No, let's not
But if you want your love to show
If you want your love to grow
Then go terri-, go terri-, go terri- errr
(dialog)
B: "See....your dog just isn't good enough"
K: "I guess you're right. Go on, Snaxi (sp??), to a brand new life!"
4.08) Lyrics to These Are the Daves I Know Song
From [email protected] (Megan Coughlin) and
[email protected] (Mark Odell) and
Tom Walsh:
"These Are the Daves I Know"
-Bruce McCullough
Spoken: Hi, I'm Bruce McCullough. I'd like to tell you about the Daves I
know.
CHORUS:
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
David Hoffman
He works in my dad's store
He's worked here for 12 years
He'll probably work here for (four?) more
CHORUS
Dave Gort
I've known since I was six
In grade eight he broke his leg
So we got drunk and sick
CHORUS
Some of them are Davids
But most of us are Daves (sung by Dave Gort)
They all have their own hands
But they come from different moms
CHORUS
Dave Jadiski
Man, this cat can swing
He weighs almost 50 pounds
And he delivers my paper on time
CHORUS
Dave Capisano
I hardly know him
...
[Bruce stands around, looking vaguely uncomfortable
for the rest of the measure]
CHORUS
[Next two measures sung by the Daves Bruce knows]
We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows
We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows
Some of us them are Davids
But most of us are Daves
We all have our own hands
But we come from different moms
These are the Daves I know, I know
We are the Daves he knows, he knows [sung by the Daves]
These are the Daves [sung by all]
--------------
N.B. Rob Gfroerer (the Vacant Lot) is one of the Daves Bruce knows.
4.09) The Night Bruce Connected with his Dog (The Dog for Whom I
Feel Nothing)
From [email protected] (Liz Kane):
I know what people think of me - I do.
They consider me a happy go lucky guy..
A care free sort.. Full of smiles..
Brimming with chuckles.. And what not.
Few people realize there is a darker side.
Few people know that I have been living a sham.
Each night as I go home to my apartment, and my large
bowl of popcorn, that I sit in silence with a dog for
whom I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Maybe it's my fault for never having named the dog.
See, I had him for 3 years and I just couldn't think one
up. The only name that suited him was:
'Small Mammal With Whom I Live a Lie'
I've even given up trying small talk. Stuff like:
"So? Hows man's best friend today?"
(......)
"Boy, wok cooking sure is harder then it looks."
(......)
So, we'd sit, with heavy dreaded air between us.
And then, one night, it happened. I turned my head,
and saw my dog looking at me. There we were, locked in
a stare. Frozen in time. And in his eyes, I could see
my human arrogance reflected back.
"How dare I eat meat!" ...I almost screamed.
(the room grows cloudy with the touching moment.
They embrace, and dance about the room.)
... And as quickly as the moment came, it ended.
(dog burps)
The burp, like the moment is now gone forever. But
as long as I live, I shall never forget the night I
connected with my dog.
4.10) Letter to the Hospital
From [email protected] (Liz Kane):
Hi, eh, just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's
always kinda hard to find the right words to say.
You know somehow 'How's the weather in the hospital? sure is nice outside.'
just doesn't work.
But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern so here's what I got
so far.
Dear Guy I Clotheslined As You Went By on Your Bicycle.
You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone.
Now I've asked myself over and over why did I clothesline that guy. Perhaps I
watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being
violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not
so confused that I'd actually hang around.
In all fairness, It was pretty funny, I mean the last thing you'd expect
as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't
know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat.
I mean, you really should have seen it, It was just like WAM! BAM!
(hahaha)
ANY-WAY....
In closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital be, I'm forced
to wonder 'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway,
Huh, ya asshole? side-WALK!
Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves.
Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.
Thanks
4.11) Tammy Video: Ain't Gonna Spread for No Roses
From [email protected] (Carissa Leeson):
(Dialog)
Mark: (laughing)
Bruce (Tammy): Right....
M: You know, Tammy, I think you do rally great songs. Hey, here's my
business card with my work number on it [puts it in her hand]. Here you
go... you know, in case you have any questions, any problems, or, uh, you
know, you just want to...talk....
B: Right.
M: So, did you, uh, get the roses?
B: Roses?
M: Yeah, the roses.
B: Why would you send me roses?
M: Well, as a token of _my_ appreciation for _you_. You know, in case
you wanted to get together late one night to....talk. You
know....roses.... [leans down, lips puckered]
B: [puts fingers to Mark's lips] Stop (music starts)
Do I want love?
Of course I do
But do you think I'm so dumb
That I'd go out with you?
Na, na, no, no, neh-eh-eh-ver
I'm, I'm, naw-awt go-on-na spread
I'm not gonna spread for no roses!
I'm not gonna spread for you
You gross old man
Your aftershave wreaks
You buy your tan
(She's not gonna peel for no buds, bud)
Na, na, no, no, neh-eh-eh-ver
I'm, I'm, naw-awt go-on-na spread
I'm not gonna spread for no roses!
I'm not gonna spread for you
You gross old man
Your aftershave wreaks
You buy your tan
(This girl don't put out for no foliage, friend[??])
(spoken)
Businessman #1: Call me...soon
Businessman #2: My wife will be out of town for 40 minutes -- let's get
together and....talk.
Businessman #3: Hey, there's lots of bad guys out there; I can point them
out to you.
Mark: I run a charity -- we collect panties.
Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk soon
Talk talk soon
Talk talk soon
Joan of Ark never did
Laura Secord never did
Gloria Steinem did once
But them she felt sad
I'm not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I'm not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I'm not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I'm not gonna open my legs for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
Do you want love?
Of course you do
But if you want love
Shouldn't it be your wife you talk to?
(Dialog)
B: So, what do you think?
M: I like the new video
Businessman #1: Tastefully done -- tasteful use of crotch shots.
M: Class act, hmmmm...
Businessman #2: I'd better call my wife
Businessman #1: Me, too
M: Me, too
4.12) Bruce On How To Break Into Show Biz
From [email protected] (Carissa Leeson):
Listen -- I'm no role model. I don't give advice. But over the last
couple of years I've received a lot of letters, all with the same
questions: Bruce, how do you get started in comedy, you know, acting and
writing? And what advice do you have for someone trying to break in? OK,
here it goes...
First of all, I guess if you're in school, make jokes. Don't worry about
it if your teachers like it or not. The only teacher you should listen
to anyway is your English teacher. But not too much, because, remember --
No One Understands You [flashes on screen]. Education is not your
friend. Neither is sleep; you won't need it where you're going. Instead
of studying, try listening to tragically loud music daily. And be strict
with yourself -- you gotta do it everyday!
You know, now that I think about it, I think it's very important to let
liquor be the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise
drinking a lot with guys like Calvin Renny (SP???) and Terry Rockio and
pissing out the back of a fast-moving truck. Oh, and if a policeman goes
by, try doing this under your breath: "Pig pig oink oink bacon sandwich
at 2:00". Now, get a lot of experience coming home drunk. Stand up to
your dad; he may tower over you now, but as be begins to shrink, you pick
your day.
It's very important that you begin to juggle lovers. Remember: ["No One
Understands You" flashes on screen].
I think it would be helpful to get a lot of dead-end jobs in warehouses
with linear thinking racist pigs who will teach you only one thing: how
to steal.
Did I mention piss out the back of a fast-moving truck? Oh, I did -- OK
-- Then move to the biggest city you can find, get the smallest apartment
you can find, keep your underware in a bowl in the fridge, never answer
your phone, never remember your family's birthdays, never make it home
for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death and sex with your
friends' mothers.....or fathers -- you figure it out, I did. Wear a
crash helmet around just in case, watch your friends get married and grow
beards to cover their puffy, compromising faces...then get a TV show.
I guess I'd have to say that that's my only advice.
4.13) The Guy with a Good Attitude Towards Menstruation
From [email protected] (Liz Kane):
Hi, my name's Dave Foley, and, uh, something you might not know about me
is that .. I have a good attitude towards menstruation. Thats right,
I'm the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!
Oh, I know a lot of men are made uncomfortable by this monthly miracle.
But not me. No, I embrace it. Embrace it the way the way some men
embrace the weekend! Why I anticipate it the way a child anticipates
Christmas!
Did you know that, uh, in alot of native Indian cultures, menstruating
woman were forced to leave the village, less they're *powerful* magic
should overwhelm the Shaman? If I were Shaman, I wouldn't be so
competitive. I'd be more open and giving. I'd be a shaman with...
a good attitude towards menstruation!
'Cause after all, what is it? a cluster of blood vessels, awaiting
a fertilized egg. Providing a safe warm place for that egg to grow.
And if a life does not occur, the whole thing is flushed away, and
the cycle begins again. Now is that anything to be ashamed of or
disgusted by? No, this is the nesting stuff of humanity!
Thats why the woman I shall love will be able to menstruate as fully and
freely as she desires. Even if her monthly flow should build in
intensity to a raging rust colored torrent! An unbridled river of life
giving blood flowing from between her legs! An awesome cataract plunging
off the edge of our couch. I wouldn't be fazed! No, no, even if coureur
de bois would come up stream, battling the rapids, and singing
a 'jaunty song'! I would take no offense, rather I would ford across
that mighty womanly river, and fetch herbal tea and Pamprin. And then
I would mop her brow and admire her fecundity. For I...Have A Good
Attitude....Towards MENSTRUATION!
4.14) Buddy: Actor, Singer, Dancer and Model
From [email protected] (Liz Kane):
Show business is full.....
.of actors, singer, dancers, and models..
and then there's ME...
Actor, Singer, Dancer, Model....
CANADIAN!....
I can make the word Canadian sound sexy!
Most people think I'm from the States, and even worse, they thing I'm
from New York, because I'm sooo sexy. But, New York isn't sexy, it's
Sleazy!
Americans know as much about Canadians as straight people do about
Gays. Americans show up at the border with ski's in July, and
straight people think that being gay is just a phase....
A very loooong phase....
When I'm over seas, and people mistake me for an American, I'm as
outraged as when I'm mistaken for straight! No one wants to know that
I'm gay and even less want to know I'm Canadian.
On my resume, my agent replaced the word 'Gay' with 'Blond'. And...
'Canadian' with 'Outdoorsy'. So.... I replaced 'Outdoorsy' with
'Blowzy'. Which makes me a 'Blowzy Blond'!
I get all the best friend roles. I'm in this new American picture
'Millennium'. It's a 'Big Budget Science Fiction Thriller' staring
Cheryl Ladd. You see, one day some American thought:
'Hey, I want to make a terrible movie in Canada, everybody else has!'
I play the best friend of the time gate operator. He as one line,
but he says it directly to me! The movie is full of Canadian
actors with one line.
It's great! It won't make a dime!
It's a big hoopla down south over some Wag burning the flag...
OH JESUS...
I don't know what all the fuss is about, we burn the flag all the
time, to keep warm... Is it cold in here, or is it just me...
I seem to be catching a bit of cold
(pulls out Canadian flag hankie and sneezes)
Oh Jesus...
Lucky I didn't blow my pope's nose...
Reminds me of the time that Ann Murray and James Baldwin were
sharing a smart cocktail at her cottage in Parry Sound. And Ann said
to James 'It must be hard enough being Black and gay, imagine if you
were also Canadian, eh!
4.15) Bikini Inspector
From [email protected] (Scott Cierski):
Bruce:
I'm a bikini inspector. It's not a joke, I inspect bikinis. It's my job.
You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach wearin' "Bikini Inspector"
t-shirts. But they're not real bikini inspectors, they just wish they
were, for some weird reason. I don't know why anyone would pretend to be a
bikini inspector. It's a menial job. You gotta take a bus there every
day. There's an hour right there. You work in a dank factory, you gotta
inspect four or five thousand units, your eyes start to go buggy and
squinty. Shift work too, ya know? And for that you make, well, let's just
say the amount of money I make's my own business. Although I do make
somewhere around $8.67 an hour. Bikini inspector. The only job worse than
that is the job I had in Collingwood, Ontario. Workin' in the woods. I
was on the beaver patrol. Rotten job, mud in your boots, trapsin' through
the underbrush lookin' for beaver dams that are cloggin' up the irrigation
system. One beaver even bit my thumb. But it's all par for the course on
the beaver patrol. You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over
my thumbs, go to a bar for a quick drink, and I'd see guys there wearin'
t-shirts that said my job on them. But not like other rotten jobs, like
"Fry cook" or "Night security guard at an out of the way mall." So, I'd be
sittin' there, tryin' to find pride in my work, wearin' my beaver patrol
t-shirt, and the women stare at ya. Well, I'm sorry ma'am, if I'm not a
doctor, but thems the breaks. One woman even bit my thumb. But I'm
gettin' out of here. Tryin' to get on as a "Muff Diver." Read it on a
t-shirt. I don't know what it is, but, that job can't be much worse than
what I'm doin' now, eh? Eh? Yeah....
4.16) Mushroom Boy
From [email protected] (Scott Cierski):
Mark:
Hello! I was the mushroom boy. Ever since I was very young, I've been
able to tell all the different types of mushrooms apart. It came to me
naturally. Why, when I was 12 I went on a national tv talent show and
identified 36 types of mushrooms blind-folded. All Belgium was enraptured
with me. I won a case of truffles, and a pet pig, and I was sent out on a
tour of all the biggest mushroom farms in Europe. Why, I even had a soup
named after me, with my face staring right out at you from the label. Oh,
though, too bad, I gambled all my money on a new health product. This:
Muffin Juice. The unfiltered juice of freshly squozen muffins. (Pours,
drinks) Mmmmm! It should have worked, but, it didn't. Anyway, till this
day if you go to a mushroom farm in Belgium and say, "Hey, do you know who
Leon Van Dyke is?" They'll say, "Yes, I do! He was the mushroom boy!"
Well, good-bye!
4.17) I Did Not Find Love...
From [email protected] (Scott Cierski):
Bruce:
I'm gonna slow things down a bit.
Where was the love my horoscope promised? I have looked under my
mattress where I keep things, hidden. There was no love for me in the
corridors of power. I found no love in the bar. Just songs about love and
bourbon, lots of bourbon. There was no love in volunteer work, in "just
being myself." I found no love in bank line-ups, in the sports section of
my daily newspaper. I found no love in the Canadian praries, just farmers.
Farmers with their own problems, and used farm equipment. I did not find
love on the phone, just a network of the un-loved, with something called
"call waiting." I did not find love at Eaton Center, just bargain hunters,
bargain hunting. I found no love at the Karoake club, I think. See, I
couldn't make it inside. Noone needs love quite that badly. There was no
love in the VIP room of the Big Bop. Just me and a bowl of peanuts, and
Bryan Adams. I talked to the bowl of peanuts all night, if you know what I
mean. Would you believe I actually looked for love in the health food
store? There I only found women buying steroids disguised as sea kelp.
There was no love for me in the day care industry, just hard women dressed
in pink. I found no love at the antique market, just hopeless couples
muttering about the family unit, the family unit, the family- shut up. I
found no love in burning the bottom of my feet with Cigarellos. Just a
certain amount of artistic satisfaction. I found no love in the
hollowed-out belly of a dead elk. Just warmth, and quiet. But then the
questions: "Hey, why are you in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk? Are
you in there because of love?" And always, "You know if you're homeless,
man, you cannot sleep there." There is no love in writing about love, only
a deadline.
4.18) Celebrity Problems
From [email protected] (Scott Cierski):
Scott:
Hello viewing audience. Right now, I'm at a pretty interesting stage in my
career, because I'm just a little bit famous, somewhere between Pauly Shore
and the Maytag repairman. As a celebrity becomes more famous, he or she is
assigned more responsibility by the media. Eventually they reach the stage
where they get to talk in public about their terrible childhoods. Experts
say that this helps commoners come to grips with their own similar
problems, by identification with a celebrity. Until a celebrity
experiences a tragedy, it doesn't exist. That's why AIDS didn't exist
until Rock Hudson got it. Befor that, it was just a lot of fags collapsing
from dance floor exhaustion. Before celebrities, people didn't have
terrible childhoods, they just grew up. Nobody made a big deal out of
child abuse or incest. You had sex with your father, you moved on. Don't
get me wrong, I think it's great that there are celebrities out there who
through their openness about their own lives, help all of us come to a
greater understanding about our own common humanity. But this path is not
for everyone. Each celebrity is like a, a snowflake. This snowflake will
never burden you with stories of his hideous childhood, no matter what the
financial recompense. I love my grotesque family too much to drag them
through a public spotlight for fun and profit. You see, I just don't feel
any need to talk publicly about my own teen years as a hustler, or my
allegiance to the devil. Please, please just let me remain a private man
in a public business. To all you other celebrities out there publicly
struggling with alcoholism, bulimia, or lazy bladder (not me), I salute
you. Through your courage, you help all of us feel just a little bit better
about our own pathetic and blighted lives. Thank you Oprah, Rosanne,
Suzanne, Axl, Latoya, ...(sobbing)...cut,cut!
4.19) Sandwich People
From [email protected] (Scott Cierski):
Bruce:
It's so sad. People and their sandwiches. People looking forward to
eating their sandwiches. You know, they'll be working or doing something
really stupid like polishing their furniture, and they'll say, "Oh, things
aren't so bad, at least I've got that sandwich to look forward to." And
then around noon, or maybe ten a.m., they'll take out their sandwich, and
take little tiny bites of that thing, and think about tiny little pieces of
change that would make them happy. You know, if they could only lose 4 or
5 pounds, if the movie they'd seen the night before could only be slightly
better. They don't ask much, the sandwich people. Sad as snake-snot. The
only thing sadder than the sandwich people are the poo people. You know,
the poo people, adults who sleep alone every night, but every day you see
them walking their 3 pound dogs. If it were a fish, you'd throw it back.
But they love it, and they walk it. They walk it with little plastic bags
on their hands, waiting for their little 3-pounder to have his poo. And
when he does, they pick it up, and feel that heat in their hand, as if to
say to themselves, "I am alive!" The only thing sadder than the poo people
are the happy people. Yeah, the happy people, you know, sitting in their
cars, smiling at police, keeping their change in their wallets, remembering
people's birthdays, pleased as punch they didn't get murdered. Sad, sad,
sad are the happy people. I guess the only thing sadder than the happy
people, are the Village People. Yes, the Village People are the very
saddest of all. They can't believe they wrote that song about the YMCA,
they've never been to the YMCA. That cowboy doesn't want to be a cowboy
anymore, he wants to be a grown up. Right now he's in some town, doing
bizarre choreographed moves, thinking to himself, "Well, at least I've got
that sandwich to look forward to."
4.20) Bruce: The Cause of Cancer
From [email protected] (Michael Brian Baggett):
DF: Hi, uh . . . my name is David Foley, and uh . . . . [pause due to
applause] thank you. . .thank you very much. That's very kind of you, very
kind of you. Uh . . . I was just wanting to . . . uh , tell you about
something that's happened. . . uh, during this week of rehearsals, something
we sort of came across, something, well . . . we, sort of, discovered.
Um, uh... and certainly nothing we ever expected to do as a comedy troupe,
and I'm sure it's nothing you, as a comedy audience, ever expected to hear
from a comedy troupe. Ok, here it is... uh, we discovered the cause of
cancer. [laughter, applause] I guess, uh, the [stammering] best thing to
do is to just bring Bruce out here. Bruce, are you there? Bruce McCulloch,
ladies and gentlemen. Bruce McCulloch.
[applause as Bruce wanders out on stage, waving to the audience]
DF: Bruce has something that he'd like to say to everyone. Go ahead, Bruce.
BM: Hi.
DF: Go on, Bruce.
BM: Hi.
DF: Just do it, Bruce. Come on. [The two of them argue slightly]
BM: OK, you asked me. . .
DF: Well, just do it. . .
BM: Fine. I'll do it . . .
DF: Just go.
BM: Dave Foley, ladies and gentlemen.
[applause]
DF: No, just do it, Bruce. You're wasting a lot of time. Bruce McCulloch
would like to say something.
BM: I'm sorry I caused all that cancer.
[laughter] I didn't realize it was such a hideous disease.
[more laughter. Dave looks bewildered]
DF: [angry] I suppose you think that makes it, OK? 'I'm sorry I caused all
that cancer. . .' you don't even sound like you mean it, Bruce.
BM: Dave, you asked me to apologize and that's just what I did.
DF: I'm sorry. Well, in rehearsal you sounded like you meant it, it sounded
like you were actually remorseful about what you had done, but this was
pretty, pretty lame, Bruce. I think you should apologize like you really
mean it.
BM: [hurt] Fine, David. I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all
that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll . . .
DF: . . . and?
BM: and I won't do it again.
DF: Thank you, Bruce.
[applause]
4.21) Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter
From [email protected] (Sarah Chen):
Hi! As I'm sure you're all aware, there's a movement amongst
archaeologists to attempt to reconcile the biblical account of history
with the archaeological record. Now, I'm an intellectually curious
young man with, let's face it, no real job. So, I've done some
exploring of my own in this vain. The Bible tells us that Christ was
trained as a carpenter. But in my most recent digs, I've found
artifacts that show He was not a very good carpenter.
This chair, for example. One of the legs is significantly shorter than
the other. This causes a certain degree of _wobbling_ and a more subtle
defect, no lower back support. Over here we have a table. Now this
table has only two legs. Now, I've conferred with many leading
contemporary carpenters and they all agree that three is the bare
minimum required for stability. Observe. [lets go of table and it falls
down]. Even taking into account the primitive times, this portrays a
shocking lack of craftsmanship. Now over here we have this, and
frankly, I have no idea what this is. For a while I thought it might be
a spice rack of some sort. But watch. If I take this jar of crushed
cumin seed and place it here...[jar rolls off onto the floor] Clearly,
if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk.
Conclusions: Yes, Christ was a great philosophical and religious leader;
perhaps, even as some maintain, the Savior or Messiah. But it seems
clear that He had few career options. As a carpenter, He was
incompetent. He would've been unable even to construct the simple
crucifix upon which ultimately He met his martyrdom. Now, I know that
these views are going to be controversial. But I am also aware that if
Christina Applegate were to express them wearing a halter top, you'd eat
it up. Thanks!
4.22) Stop the World, We Broke up
From Tom Walsh:
(Song) - by Bruce
Ouuch
Stop the world, we broke up
I'll get my records, then I'll get off
Love leaks out in the back of my head
She broke up and left me for dead
[Wipes tear from cheek, shows it on his index finger, spoken] A real tear
Like a monster truck across my heart
She did donuts while I watched
[In telephone booth, spoken] Operator, listen. If you won't cut in, will you
at least tell me if she's talking to another guy?
Going to shave my head, start a gang
Join the army, move to Spain
[Music stops, spoken] Country and Western music. I understand it now.
Run through the night, let it cleanse me
[Cries, can't finish line]
Girls [x10]
Laura
Girls [x3]
[To the operator, spoken] It was a mutual thing.
[To a pigeon that lands at his feet, spoken] You may be free like her, but
you're not ... Laura
[Video - shots of Bruce playing guitar on a hill overlooking the city
(Toronto?) interspersed with shots of Laura smoking and kissing another guy]
4.23) Open Letter to the Guy That Stole His Bike Wheel
From [email protected] (Janet L. Langdon):
[Monologue by Bruce] "And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the
guy that stole his bike wheel" [spoken by Scott] [Bruce enters, bike
lowered from above] [Lots of "Ah"s from the audience]
Well, why did you do it? Are you some sort of jerk or something? It's *my*
front wheel! What did you think, that I'd -- drive home and not notice it
was stolen? What are you then? Some sort of *prick*? Some sort of idiot?
Some sort of thief? What would you do with just my front wheel anyway? What
good would just one wheel be? You human loser! Well, why didn't you buy your
own wheel if you wanted one so badly. That's what I did. [Music starts as
Bruce turns away and stops when he turns back.] Well, don't you think I need
that wheel? Well, well, what were you thinking? JERK!
"That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the guy that stole his
bike wheel." [spoken by Scott]
Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal His Bike Wheel
From Tom Walsh:
[Monologue by Bruce]
"And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched the
guy steal his bike wheel" [spoken by Scott]
[Bruce enters, bike lowered from above] Well, you knew it wasn't his
wheel! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike
later? Well, why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say
something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn't you say, "Hey! That's
not your wheel! That could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel! We love him!
And he loved that wheel!" Just eatin' brunch. Well, didn't you think I
needed it? I did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence!
Good work, Einstein! Pus!
"That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched
while the guy stole his bike wheel." [spoken by Scott]
[Bumper video of Bruce walking his incomplete bike.]
4.24) I'm a Bad Doctor
From [email protected] (Sarah Chen):
[Dave]
Wanna know something? I'm a bad doctor. I'm not boasting. I mean, who
would? Just stating a fact that I've never really gotten the hang of
the whole healing-the-sick thing. And don't interpret this as some sort
of false modesty. No, I'm homogeneously unqualified to practice medicine
in any capacity. I *really* don't have a clue. And no one could be
more shocked than me that I've been allowed to rise to a position of
such importance and responsibility.
I guess it all started in high school where I was a very bad science
student. One day when we were supposed to be dissecting a frog, I
accidentally disassembled my desk. Oh, but, you know, I was a popular
kid. You know, the other students were always eager to help me out. So
you know, during a test whenever I'd get that *confused* look on my face
- which was invariably - well, the cheat notes would just start flying!
Even the teachers would start whispering answers, you know, *ahem*
mitochondria... But I didn't worry about it. I figured, how far could
you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!
They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery. Apparently, I've
logged more hours in surgery than any other man my age. Four thousand
hours this year alone. What no one seems to have noticed that it was
all with the same patient.
Oh, I want to show you something. You know what this is? Urine. Another
man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me! I don't know what
to do with it! I've got a fridge full of this stuff. I mean, I suppose
I could send it out to the lab, but they'd only send back a lot of test
results that I couldn't possibly understand.
The only thing I'm actually sorta good at is referrals. You know that
thing where doctors send patients to other doctors. Well, I'm the king
of referrals. What I do is I call the, uh, the sick person into my
office, and I stare for a long time really seriously at this blank sheet
of paper. Then I say, "Hmmm. I'd like you to see someone. He's a
specialist in this area." (laughs) There are specialists who have their
whole career based on my referrals. I am the cornerstone of a medical
empire. (sighs) Well, I really should be going. I've gotta tell the
family that the patient didn't make it - hardest part of being a
doctor...I think!
4.25) Communist Threat
From [email protected] (Scott Thomas Cierski):
Dave:
Let sleeping dogs lie. I say, NO! And you know what sleeping dogs
I'm referring to, don't you? No? Well, let me refresh your memory.
Russains! That's right, Russians, ruskies, communists, COMM-UN-ISTS! Oh
now you remember? Well, do you also remember how a few years ago all we
ever talked about was how the Russians were gonna take over the world, and
how every household would be run by communisis and their filthy communism.
Oh yeah, we feared the Russians back in them days, and for good reason too,
but now all I ever hear is, "Poor little Russia, they've got no money!",
"Poor little Russia, they've gone broke!" Poor little Russia THIS, and poor
little Russia THAT! Don't you get it? Am I the only one who gets it? It's
a trick. Communism never dies, communism is a cancer, a cancer sleeping,
awaiting the moment to devour our freedom, to devour democracy.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this guy's just
some right wing paranoid reactionary who had a horrible upbringing and whose
father beat him every day with a Bible well maybe that's true but it never
did me any harm! All I'm saying is, a few years ago, people used to listen
to me. I fit in. Well listen to me now. The Russians, they're gonna try
to take over the world again, don't you forget that for one second friend or
else go find yourself lining up for toilet paper in some godless world!
There's one more thing I'd like to say. Killer bees! Forgot about
them, didn't ya? Well that's just what they want us to do! That's right,
the Russian communists, the killer bees, they're like this! (fingers
crossed) So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them,
friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of
democracy! Don't you think I don't know what you're up to, Russia. Don't
think that I'm unaware of the fact that Kevin McDonald or should I say, Ivan
Chovsky, is one of you! (K [muffled under gag]: He's crazy!) Crazy like a
fanatic fox I mean! Down reds! One man one vote! ....
4.26) On the Subject of Me
From Tom Walsh:
Narrator: On the Subject of Me
At the age of 10, I became convinced that I was the lead soprano for the New
York Metropolitan Opera. Nothing could dissuade me. Until the Times tore
me to shreds.
[Video: Milking cow and whitewashing fence]
------
Narrator: On the Subject of Me
If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could only have one person, one
book, and one record with me, I'd probably die of exposure.
[Video: Caricaturist draws Dave]
------
Narrator: On the Subject of Me
For years, I've had this reoccuring dream in which I have a mustache. I know
it doesn't sound so bad, but, I swear, I'm afraid to go to sleep.
[Video: Checking oil in car, wiping dipstick on hand]
------
Narrator: On the Subject of Me
My spleen is twice the size of a normal human spleen. This isn't such a big
deal right now, but after I'm dead, there's going to be a bidding war.
[Video: Overamorous Dave kissing girlfriend]
------
Narrator: On the Subject of Me
I was a Caesarean birth because my mother always liked that hairstyle
[Video: Feeding waterfowl loaves of bread]
4.27) Dean and Lex and some Videos
From [email protected]:
Dean (Kevin), Lex (Dave)
Kevin: "Hey videos. Awright. _Mahogany_. I hear it's [?????]'s best movie.
Could I borrow it?"
Dave: [pissed but can't articulate it] "I haven't seen it yet."
K: "Tell ya what. I'll see it tonight and bring it to ya first thing
tomorrow."
D: "Promise?"
K: "Will do."
[Cut to next day, at the supermarket. Dean is absently applying price
stickers to cans of produce.]
D: "Did you bring my video back?"
K: "Slipped my mind. But I feel awful about it. I tell ya what I'll do:
I'll bring the video tomorrow, plus I'll buy ya one. Do ya have _The
Godfather_?
D: "No. So you'd really do that?"
K: "Will do."
[Next day; Dean is mopping the supermarket floor. Lex is getting
apprehensive.]
D: "So, did you bring my videos?"
K: "Slipped my mind. "
D: "Should I even ask about _The Godfather_?"
K: "Don't bother."
D: "Man, this is starting to cost me money, ya know. Soon the video store
is going to be on my ass and rightly so, 'cause when you rent a video, you
enter into a sacred trust!"
K: "I tell ya what. Let's have dinner tonight. Pesto's at eight. I'll
bring the video, I'll bring _The Godfather_; you know that Paul Simon album
you've been wanting me to tape? I'll tape it and bring that too, *and*
dinner's on me.
D: [Feeling like a jerk] "You don't have to bother with all that; just bring
me the video."
K: "No, I want to. I'm just sick about the whole thing."
D: "OK. Pesto's at eight."
K: "Will do."
[Cut to night; it's after 9:30, and Dean is nowhere to be found.]
Waiter: "Would you care to order, sir?"
D: "Could I have another brasket of bed please?"
[yes, brasket of bed; Lex is a gallon of nerves in a quart jar. Dean walks
by the front window of Pesto's with his girlfriend.]
Girlfriend: "So, you'll bring the condoms tomorrow?
K: "Will do."
D: "Hey! What up, huh!" [Almost hits Dean, but can't bring himself to] You
were supposed to meet me at the restaurant at eight, where were you?!?"
K: "Slipped my mind. But I feel horrible about the whole thing."
D: "No! I don't want to hear it! You're the king of empty promises! What
we're gonna do now, is we're gonna go to your place and get my stuff,
understand?!"
K: "I have to take my friend [the girl] home first, but I tell you what I'll
do. I'll bring your _Mahogany_ video, [Lex starts to shake his head; he's
*not having it*] the _Godfather_ video, the Paul Simon tape, a bottle of
Scotch, *and* a written apology. I'll meet ya in a half hour."
[Lex stops shaking head abruptly]
D: "OK. Sorry I had to crack the whip."
K: "Forget it."
[Dean and girlfriend board a Greyhound.]
Girlfriend: "Shouldn't you've told him I live in Winnipeg?"
K: "Slipped my mind."
4.28) Gavin at the Funeral
From [email protected]:
Gavin (Bruce), Gavin's dad (Kevin), and Murray (that old guy)
Dave: "Now I see the tragic side of dance marathons. We were this close to
winning."
Bruce: "I don't know why you're blubbering, she was *my* mom."
[A female relative gives Gavin a casserole, which sparks:]
B: "Why are you giving me this, cause you don't know how to communicate with
me, cause my Mom is dead? [sets down the casserole] Mosquitoes live for
only one day, you know, so if they skip breakfast, I guess they had a bad
childhood. If death is the great teacher, then what about my science teacher
Mr. Gorgenchuck? Who, when you leave the fan on, his ears whistle. So we
always leave the fan on."
[Enter Gavin's dad (Kevin), a ne'er do well who does his hair like he's the
second coming of Elvis.]
B: "Hi Dad. Are you out on probation? ... Dad, this kid at school, he still
has a mom, and that can't be fair, cause she ever eats is vodka, and coffee,
and *bridge mix*."
K: "My little son, my little seed. My little, um..."
B: "Legal responsibility?"
K: "Would you wait right here a minute, son?"
B: "Where are you going, to steal a car?"
K: "Gavin, this is Sheila [Scott in a horrid canary yellow skirt and jacket,
with Peg Bundy red hair put up]. Now Sheila and I have been writing letters
during my time in jail, and I got the day off for the funeral, so I figured
I'd kill two birds with one stone. Gavin, this is your new mom!"
[Gavin starts to get apoplectic.]
K: "I don't want to think of her as your new Mom, so much as a stranger in
the kitchen wearing your old mom's clothes. And filling them out a bit
better too, I might add."
S: "Hi there, little guy. Hi there, little mourner."
B: "Dad!"
K: "Gavin, Dad is busy haggling. C'mon Murray, twelve quarts of embalming
fluid? Who ya trying to kid?"
S: "Gavin, I bet I know what would cheer you up..."
B: "If my mom came back to life and murdered you?!"
S: "No, if Sheila had a cigarette."
B: "You know what'd make a better new mom? A head or a dog or a rat or a cow
or a clump of mud or a piece of string."
S: "Gavin, I know how you feel, cause you see my Mom died too. OK, it was a
little bit different: she'd been in a coma for ten years and I was over 40,
but still, when they pulled that plug..."
B: "Dad!!!"
K: "Look, it's not too late for me to make other arrangements. You're not
the only funeral home in this town..."
B: "Fake mom! Vinyl mom! Sweet N Low mom!"
K: "Ah look, he's calling you mom! ... Ah, hate, love, the whole damn thing.
The important thing is, we're a family. A son, a dad, a Sheila, and a cop."
4.29) Buddy Seeks a New Lover
From [email protected]:
Buddy Cole (Scott) details his quest, wearing a Scottish tartan.
"It's times like these I just don't wanna be a faggot... I just broke up
with my lover Zeke. I think he was cheating on me. His nickname for me was
'Next!' So I picked myself, dusted myself off, swallowed my pride because
it's still safe... I sat down and drew up a list of high risk groups I
should avoid in my search for a new man. For instance: addicts, Americans
(mostly for their politics), Armenians (that has nothing to do with AIDS,
it's just that I'm part Azerbaijani). It took me a whole afternoon just to
get through the Bs. By the time my list was completed, everyone had been
eliminated, except for one: Miss Eleanor Parissi, an 83 year old virgin in
perfect health... So I rang her up.... She greeted me at the door, an
absolute vision: in a blue housedress, smelling faintly of rosewater... We
sat on her horse hair sofa and watched 'Hockey Tonight'. She let me pet her
cat - if you think I 'm going to make a pussy joke, you're sadly mistaken!...
She drank too much ginger ale and passed out at 10:30. When I got home, I
was still horny, so I masturbated while watching an old rerun of Mary Tyler
Moore. Thinking of Gordy, but only during the commercials; it's just
not fair to Mary."
4.30) Daddy Drank
[abridged/censored version???]
From [email protected]:
Kevin as the grown son of an alcoholic father (Dave), remembering what that
was like.
Dave: "Good night, son, sleep tight, and remember, I could murder you while
you sleep. It's easy, son, all you got to be is quiet and willing to do it.
And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've *quiet shoes*."
Kevin: "Daddy drank..."
D: "Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many called
yesterday, lemme guess, zero? You know what they say, son, zero plus zero
equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it,
ya little mathematician."
K: "Daddy drank..."
D: "Son, wake up, it's midnight Christmas eve, and I wanted to thank you,
son. I don't deserve this. [opens present] What the hell is this? Tap
shoes? I don't dance. I can't dance, ya little bastard!"
K: "Daddy couldn't dance; oh, Daddy could *drink.*"
D: "Today after work, I went out and bought you that puppy you've been
wanting. But on my way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking. I'd
never buy you a puppy."
K: "Why didn't Daddy give drinking? He couldn't. Daddy drank for the
government!"
[Son wakes and turns on his lamp, to find Daddy poised with his
hands inches away from throttling him to death. Return to Kevin, who spits
out the mixed drink the camera caught him imbibing]
K: "Oh sure, I drink a little, but I'm not my Daddy. He was older and
children like me. I have a little drink by my bed to help me sleep; it's not
a drinking thing, it's a sleeping thing."
4.31) Gavin at the Butcher-shop
From [email protected]:
Most of the Gavin scene set in a butcher-shop.
Bruce: "Who do you think would win in a fight between a dog and a monkey?"
Kevin: "The monkey?"
B: "I'll say! This kid, well she's a girl really, she goes to my pool, and
she has false teeth. I found them in the pool when I was diving for
pucks.... And she can't eat meat, know why?"
K: "No teeth."
B: "No, she's a vegetarian.... One thing I don't wanna be when I grow up, is
a butcher. Is this what you wanted to be when you were a kid like me?"
K: "Yeah kid, it's a lifelong dream come true. Say kid, where's your mom?"
B: "Oh I'm killing time because she's getting a makeover."
Cut to Mark in a mud pack that's being sanded off by power tools.
B: "My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance
marathon, cause I'm the man of the house. I better start sloooow. You know
what's in wieners? Well, there's cow's eyes, and dog's heads, and old phone
books, and of course, *wiener flavor*.... How much do you think my head
weighs?"
K: "With or without hair?"
B: "With." [rolls eyes as if to say 'Duh']
K: "Twelve pounds."
B: "If my head were veal, which I know it is not, how much would it be
worth?"
K: "Fifty four dollars."
B: [Mulls it over a moment] "No, I don't think I'll sell."
4.32) Mississippi Gary and Kathie Have it Out
[abridged/censored version???]
From [email protected]:
Here's most of the fight between Mississippi Gary (Mark) and one of our two
favorite office wage slaves, she of the red hair and dewdrop glasses
(Bruce)...
Mark: "I got hurt the best way, by a woman, a meeeean bitchy woman. She
gave me the blues so bad, I be lying on my bed, my eyes popping wide open, I
hadta call my buddy, say come on over here and shut my eyes for me, I got the
blues. I got hoit by a real professional, yes I did. She call herself
Kathie, now that's Kathie with a K."
Bruce: "... If having high standards is being a bitch, well then I'm not a
bitch.... After a while, dating a blues guy can get depressing. He brings
his work home with him. I mean Gary, I don't like Mondays either but I
_still_ go to work."
M: "When Kathie with a K gets mad, you understand, she gets the devil right
in her eye... And she don't hurt a guy one time, no sir, she hurt a guy
*five* times. One time, she won't talk to me, two times, she don't walk with
me, three times, she won't squawk with me, four times, she won't walk with me
but in another place ya understand, and five time she start to eat. Cause
when Kathie wtih a K gets the devil in her eye, the devil takes that bus and
drives it right down to her thighs."
Back to Kathie, who is even then eating a chocolate cupcake.
B: "I eat, I do. I pick, I nibble... But I don't have an eating disorder. I
don't hide food, [subconsciously pulls out the drawer where she's hidden
it.] I mean, we're at the Keg for heaven's sakes. That salad bar is *three
miles long*! Even if you have a little bit of this and a little bit of that,
before you know it, you're in way over your head!"
K: "I been waitin' five minutes, I been waitin' ten minutes, I been waitin'
fifteen minutes... Finally, I say, 'Waiter, waiter!' Bring me a cup of
coffee, 'cause I'm waitin' on a mean mistreater here!"
B: "He's a fun date, but he's no life partner. There *are* other fish in the
sea - and some of them aren't DRUNK! Child!"
M: "Heart breaker!"
B: "Ill mannered!"
M: "Looooove taker!"
B: "Irresponsible!"
M: "Oooh; swamp witch!"
B: "I want the money you owe me back!"
M: "Ya know, I thought I left her kind behind in the bayou."
4.33) McGillicutty and Greene
From [email protected]:
Kevin and Dave are McGillicutty and Greene, a vaudeville team who tackles one
of the classics of the milieu.
Kevin: "Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team."
Dave: "No. I'm a vaudevillian."
K: "No, I think you manage a baseball team!"
D: "Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team."
K: "I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather
silly pet names the players have nowadays."
D: "Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here.
For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third
base."
K: "Who's on first base?"
D: "Yes."
K: "Who?"
D: "Yes, Hu is the man on first base."
K: "Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on
first base?"
D: "No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're
confused by their names, because they all sound like questions."
K: "I dunno (whispers) third base."
D: "Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and
you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was
Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so
unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is
Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the
phrase 'Gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno."
K: "That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight
man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those
seals."
D: "What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job."
K: "Bastaaaard!"
4.34) Fletcher Christian
From Tom Walsh:
Spoken by Dave
Hello, I'm Fletcher Christian. [audience laughs] Oh no, not the famous,
seagoing Fletcher Christian, but rather the relatively anonymous, shoe-selling
Fletcher Christian. Come to think of it, our lives differ in many fairly
major ways. For example, in 1787, Fletcher Christian was made first mate
aboard the HMS Bounty, whereas I was not. In point of fact, I had yet to be
born. But many years later, in February of 1985, I was made assistant manager
of Zells Shoes. On December 23, 1787, Fletcher Christian set sail from Spit-
head to the South Seas to collect breadfruit trees. Me, I don't even know
what a breadfruit tree is. Fletcher Christian was loved and admired by all
who served with him. Under the tyrannical rule of Captain Bligh, only
Fletcher Christian could dissuade the mutineers, and when the time came,
only he could lead them. Following the mutiny, Christian, 8 crewmen, and a
number of Tahitian men and women settled on Pitcairn Island, a South Seas
island paradise, where they led an idyllic life. I, on the other hand, am
barely tolerated by my coworkers and underlings. And I live alone with a
cat. Fletcher Christian, the other one, has been portrayed in 3 major motion
pictures by 3 dashing leading men: Clark Gable, Marlon Brando, and Mel
Gibson. Jeff Wilcox, one of our stock boys, apparently does a rather un-
flattering impression of me, on the phone ordering pizza. But on the upside,
violence erupted on Pitcairn Island, and Fletcher Christian was brutally
murdered, whereas I have plenty of good years ahead of me, to sell shoes.
[To customer] Tell me if this pinches.
4.35) Liposuction
From Tom Walsh:
Cast: Husband (H)/Scott
Wife (W)/Bruce
Singer 1 (S1)/Kevin
Singer 2, Rolando (S2)/Dave
Surgeon/Mark
S3 = S1 and S2 singing together
H: I love this cake, my darling
W: I know. It's 3 layers; it tastes like 4.
H: Oh, you know what? That cake is just like you. You've 2 layers and you
taste like 5.
W: You're 7 and you seem like 11.
H: Oh, I love you.
W: Oh, this is going to be the best anniversary ever
H: Oh, give me a kiss. [Kisses her hand. S1 and S2 enter.]
S1: I couldn't help but overhear that this is your anniversary. A beautiful
flower for a beautiful lady. [Hands her a rose.]
W: Oh, that's so nice.
S1: I have a song. It's very personal and close to me and I would like to
share it with you at this special moment. May I be permitted to sing
it for you?
W: That would be just wonderful.
S1: Maybe one day, this will happen to you. Rolando?
S3: It's important to me
That the both of you see
The process of
Liposuction [couple looks uncomfortable]
[Surgeon holds up photo of marked body]
Liposuction
Liposuction
Here's how you begin
Make a cut in the skin [surgeon holds up another photo]
Liposuction
An incision the size of a dime
How you doing? I'm doing fine
Then you insert the hose
Suck out human fat globules [another photo]
That's liposuction
If you're over 300 pounds
And you're hiding it under big gowns
What do you do? [to H]
H: Liposuction
S3: What is that? [to W]
W: Fat reduction
S3: But you better stop sucking soon
Before you're sucked down to the size of a prune [another photo]
Prune ...
S1: Here's your complementary bag of fat
Brought to you by
S3: Liposuction
S1: Be a pig
S3: Liposuction
S1: Crush your lover
S3: Liposuction
S1: Look at me [shows liposuction scars]
S3: Liposuction
S1: Be a pig
S3: Liposuction
S1: Crush your lover
S3: Liposuction
S1: Look at me [shows liposuction scars]
S3: Liposuction
[H and W rise and leave]
What do you do?
Liposuction
What is that?
It's fat reduction
What do you do?
Liposuction
What is that?
It's fat reduction
What do you do?
Liposuck!
--
Who contributed to this FAQ?
Many people have graciously contributed to this FAQ. Please see the
complete list in Part 1 of this FAQ.
If you have any information, additions, corrections, comments,
submissions, suggestions, requests, ideas, or complaints about this FAQ
please send email to the FAQ maintainer [email protected]
(Drew Davidson).
------------------------------
Copyright Information
Copyright 1994-1995 Andrew B. Davidson and the individual contributors
listed in Part 1 of this FAQ. Distribution PROHIBITED except under the
terms listed in Part 1 of this FAQ.
------------------------------
End of alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ Part 3/3
***************************************
--
--
Drew Davidson \\ We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we
Raleigh, NC, USA \\ can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this
\\ is what annoys me.
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