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Quotes from The X- Files
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WHY IS EATING PUSSY LIKE DEALING WITH THE MAFIA?
ONE SLIP OF THE TONGUE AND YOU'RE IN
DEEP SHIT!
WHICH ONE DOESN'T BELONG?
1) WIFE
2) MEAT
3) CLOCK
4) BLOW-JOB
IT'S #4 BECAUSE...
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, YOU CAN BEAT
YOUR MEAT, AND YOU CAN BEAT THE
CLOCK......
BUT YOU CANT BEAT A BLOW JOB!
WHY CAN WOMEN ONLY GO 68 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY?
BECAUSE AT 69 THEY BLOW A ROD!
HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOU'VEHAD A REALLY GOOD NIGHT OF ORAL SEX?
YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT AND A STRING HANGING
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?
BECAUSE HE WAS STUCK TO A CHICKEN.
Why did god invent booze?
So fat ugly chicks could get laid too.
What is the difference between a 6 and a 10?
About 6 beers.
What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?
Stand back I don't know how big it gets!
How do you define a "tough guy"?
He bangs his dick on the side of the
urinal to dry it off.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGS?
A NIGHTCRAWLER!
Did you hear about the pussy cookie?
You take too big a bite, it tastes like shit.
Wher do they get virgin wool?
Ugly sheep.
Know what an 11 is?
A 10 who doesn't get headaches.
You know a woman is really macho when she kickstarts her
vibrator or rolls her own tampons.
Why do men like to play Pinball?
It's the only way they can get 5 balls for a quarter.
What's the difference between "kinky" and "erotic?"
With "kinky" you use the whole chicken.
What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A system that won't go down.
Know what is the square root of 69?
Ate something.
Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
Where are an elephants sex organs?
In his feet,if he steeps on you your fucked.
WHAT'S RED & HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?
SNOW WHITE'S CHERRY!
What do a nun and Seven-Up have in
common?
"Never had it, never will."
Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant?
Why fuck her! of course!
WHAT ARE THE FIVE REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG
1.YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE.
2.YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE.
3.IT TAKES YOU SEVEN MIN. TO GET HARD IN BOILING WATER.
4.YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS.
5.THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.
WHY DID GOD CREATE WOMEN?
SHEEP CAN'T COOK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?
HERPES LASTS FOREVER.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS?
TOYS FOR TWATS.
WHAT DO CALL A HEARD OF MASTURBATING CATTLE?
BEEF STROKENOFF.
WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET?
BECAUSE 8 INCHES ISN'T ENOUGH.
WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON?
BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHICKEN AND MEAT?
IF YOU BEAT YOUR CHICKEN IT WOULD DIE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH AN ABORTION?
DECALFINATED.
WHY DON'T CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR?
BECAUSE THEIR PECKERS ARE ON THEIR FACE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A POLACK'S ASS?
A BRAIN TUMOR.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?..(PUFF OUT CHEEKS)
POLISH SPERM BANK.
WHAT DID THE POLLOCK DO WITH HIS FIRST 50 CENT PIECE?
MARRIED HER.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PENIS WITH A POTATO?
A DICKTATOR.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED!
What's so great about being a dick?
You've got a head with no brains.
Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court?
Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls.
What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?
"Morning Ladies!"
A GIRL WAS COMING HOME FROM A DATE. HHER MOTHER HAD WAITED UP FOR
HER, AND WHEN THE GIRL WALKED IN THE DOOR, THE MOTHER NOTICED SHE
HAD RICE IN HER HAIR. ANNE, SHE SAID YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE
GOING TO A WEDDING. I DIDN'T MOTHER, ANNE REPLIED. I WAS GIVING
A BLOW JOB TO A CHINAMAN AND HE GOT SICK ALL OVER ME.
A CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS WAS HAVIN SHOW AND TELL,
AND A FARMER BOY WAS SHOWING HIS HOE, WHEN A BLACK KID RAISED
HIS HAND AND SAID, "THAT AIN'T NO HOE, MY SISTER'S A HOE AND SHE
DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT"
Here's to the girl who's afraid of men
she Fucked herself with a fountain pen
The pen broke and the ink went wild
And she gave birth to a colored child.
A WOMAN WENT TO A PODIATRIST WITH A COMPLAINT THAT HER FEET
ALWAYS HURT. HE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT SHE WAS EXTEAMLY
BOWLEGGED. HE ASKED HER IF SHE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY??
NO SHE SAID, NOT UNTIL RECENTLY. IVE BEEN FUCKING A LOT
DOGGIE STYLE. WELL HE SAID, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP.
I CAN'T SHE REPLIED, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY MY GERMAN SHEPHERD
FUCKS.
TWO DRUNKS WERE LYING ALONGSIDE THE CURB WHEN A COP CAME UP
THE OFFERCER SAW THAT ONE HAD HIS FINGER STUCK UP THE OTHER'S ASS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? THE COP DEMANDED. MY BUDDY IS SICK
AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP THE DRUNK SLURRED. WELL HOW THE
HELL IS STICKING YOUR FINGER UP HIS ASS GOING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP?
JUST WAIT THE DRUNK SAID, UNTIL I STICK IT IN HIS MOUTH......
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT 25 BLONDES IN A FREEZER?
FROSTED FLAKES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A HALF A BRAIN?
GIFTED.
HOW DO BLONDES KEEP THEIR ANKLES WARM?
WITH THEIR UNDERWEAR.
HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLONDE?
GIVE HER A BAG OF M & M AND TELL HER TO PUT THEM IN
ALPHABETICAL ORDER.
WHAT CAN STRIKE A BLONDE WITHOUT HER EVEN KNOWING IT?
A THOUGHT.
WHAT'S A DUMB BLONDE'S MATING CALL?
"I'M DRUNK."
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN WORKING AS YOUR
COMPUTER TERMINAL?
THERE IS LIQUID PAPER ALL OVER THE SCREEN.
WHY DO BLONDES LIKE THE IRS?
BECAUSE THEY CAN SPELL IT.
HOW DO YOU PUT A TWINKLE IN A BLONDE'S EYE?
SHINE A FLASHLIGHT IN HER EAR.
HOW DOES A BLONDE TURN ON THE LIGHT AFTER SEX?
SHE OPENS THE CAR DOOR.
WHAT DID THE BLONDE CALL HER PET ZEBRA?
SPOT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET A BLONDE TO MARRY YOU?
TELL HER SHE'S PREGNANT.
WHY WAS THE BLONDE SO OVERJOYED WHEN SHE PUT THE
JIGSAW PUZZLE TOGETHER IN 3 WEEKS?
BECAUSE THE BOX SAID "2 TO 4 YEARS."
WHY DO PANTY SHIELDS HAVE WINGS?
SO THE CRABS CAN HANG GLIDE.
WHAT'S KENTUCKY FORPLAY?
GET IN THE TRUCK, SIS.
WHY DID THE POLISH PROCTOLOGIST USE TWO FINGERS?
HE WANTED TO GET A SECOND OPINION.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL A GAY ARSONIST?
A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL.
WHAT SHOLD YOU DO IF A BALLERINA IS STUCK IN A SPLIT?
TILT HER TO BREAK THE SUCTION.
A HOOKER OFFERS A SEVICE, BUT YOU DO
ALL THE WORK.
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