I get extremely judgmental about myself. Like I'll analyze every move I make, everything I say, every thought I get, etc. and it's always a negative analysis when I know that it really shouldn't be. Pretty much I hate myself to an extreme whenever I smoke weed. It used to not be like this at all..this has been going on for maybe a year now, but before this started I would smoke and love everything, including myself. Now I just hate, and nitpick at everything I do. I really can't help it I've tried so many times, I want my old highs back.
Another really fucking weird thing that happens is I'll get completely random, strange, sometimes disturbing thoughts. Like they'll just come out of nowhere and I'm complete incapable of controlling them. It's scary.
I really don't know what happened to me that brought this change, but I want it to fuck off. I miss getting high and loving it. I can't even smoke with friends anymore because I just get quiet and weird.
I've been considering taking LSD as a means of getting things squared away in my psyche because I hear it can do just that, but I really don't know anymore. If I'm not stable enough to smoke weed how will I handle acid?
I want all of this to go away. I've taken steps while sober to regain my self worth and it's been working out alright, like I'm fine when I don't smoke and I'm even fine if I drink..it's only weed that gets me. When I smoke I'll try and ignore the hateful thinking and focus on whatever I'm doing but god it's hard. Small steps trying to improve my high...just isn't working. I've even decided to only smoke alone until I figure this out..but nothing helps.