a situation, and the way I see it

Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
edited August 2010 in Spurious Generalities
So basically, some fucking balls out crazy shit happened to me lately and I donno what the fuck to make of it. Like, I got all these feelings and memories with no place to put em? It doesn't make much sense but hear my story well. I donno what kinda story it is, other that a true one. It details my first encounter with the girl who had nothing, except the hope she gave me.

I was just walking down the street with my two friends, DJ and Alexei. A normal enough day in mid-autumn, we were hitting up the local smoke shop and actually were on our way back uptown when I first saw her. Just 16 (like me), blond haired, and frail, this girl looked like a wisp of fate, just an etching on the concrete wall supporting her. She saw me too, we exchanged probably a 4 second gaze of inquisition before I passed. I knew she was homeless, she had all of her things packed into two bags which sat beside her. The look around this girl was of canceled redemption, as though she tried to find something far away from home which she had never known. I knew she hadn't found much except a cold day and worry.

To my surprise, after passing her I heard a sweet tinny voice behind me asking for help. It was the girl. I expected she wanted some help carrying her bags somewhere, and I happily obliged. The way she hugged me and cried her gratitude made me realize I had just promised something which I couldn't deliver. I had meant to help her transport the contents of her life to a safe destination. I knew that I couldn't take her to the place that I was staying; it was not my own and the people who rented it were very particular about such things. I wasn't even allowed to have more than 2 friends over, not that many people wanted to hang with me at that point anyway. There was nothing in my life which would portray that I even had a better life than her, past the fact that obviously i had friends to crash with. Even so, as I saw her disappear happily around the corner of the alley way, I needed to take several deep breaths to avoid a bout of anxiety.

"Um, I can't take you to where I'm staying. Listen, I'm like you; I don't have a job or a real home either. I'm really sorry that I can't help like I want to" I tried to explain gently, tried to avoid the reasoning that I was too scared to uphold my promise, I tried to make it seem as though I just couldn't support her. Which was true enough, I couldn't support myself; at this time I would honestly say I was starving. As delicate as I could be tho, she was obviously heartbroken. Crying and sputtering, she returned to her destined spot with her bags left out in the middle of the sidewalk. My mind racing, I started to leave with my friends.

I don't care if you believe this; the archangel Gabriel spoke to me at this point. He said that if I didn't offer this girl help then a scar on my heart would deter me from achieving my full purpose in life. I don't care how nice you say angels can be, this time I was pretty scared (having never heard voices/ spirits) and I went the fuck back over. I wanted to anyway, a scientific explanation for what happened is that my crumbling catholic belief system constructed such a message from my own conscience. However, I know he was an angel.

I can't remember exactly what I said to her. I begged that she go home, I told her I would stay and help her the best way I could. I even said I'd sneak her into the appt. building and she could crash during the days. In crafted delusion I offered her my own place of shelter, for me to stay and her to go (this is all I really wanted at that point I think). She was having none of this, a distraught and tormented figured faced me. I think this is because a girl can only stand to lose so much? She had no one close to her at this time, her hope had allowed her to get close to me. I feel in a way that I stole that hope in my youthful ignorance of love. Gabriel was right, this is the biggest regret of my life.

She wanted me to get the fuck out of there. Screaming and crying at me to leave, she attracted the attention of my two friends who came back to see what the fuck I was doing to make her like this. They saw me calmly imploring her to reconsider her decision to live on the street, to go back to whatever place she had come from and work out the conflict that had caused her leave. I accidentally and callously brought up the point that if someone was hurting her, then she could get help with that and still live in her home. I was frantically trying to get her off the corner where I had found her, it was not a rational decision.

She started screaming again "Help! Help" and I knew I had to leave. It was planned, she knew this course of action would scare me off. If the responsibility of caring for her had not done it, I was now completely rattled. We left, me DJ and Alexei just walked the way we came and tried to forget about it. I remember them congratulating me on my speech to the girl, that they really thought some of it had broken through to her. I knew I had just left her there to die; knew I couldn't go back.

One month. Every day, either during daylight or after dusk, I would spend hours walking the city looking for her. Taking drugs, thinking solitary thoughts, I figured that if I could just find her then things would be alright. In this mission I saw a symbol; a wrong that I had made which could be righted. I tried to find her for this period of time, then gave up.

The months and years that followed this defeat to my conscience really took a toll. In a state of complete isolationism, I was hardly coherent with people, let alone feeling anything. I see this state in people everywhere now, I think it to be hell. To feel pain to the degree where it's not bearable, how can anyone do something about that? The only solution appears to be nonchalance. The decision to not help her really exhibited a peak in this behavioral pattern. I withheld that peak for 3 long years.

Then I saw her again. That's the fucked up part, I saw her and knew her to not be dead, and it really would have made me happy. If I felt anything at that point. What I had done to her and what I did to myself to cope with it had made me into a shell of a person. Our meeting was not fruitful, she wanted to talk but I insisted on trying to fight this dude who suckered me while I was trying to talk to her in the first place. When I again woke up, she was gone.

Now she's back. Ain't that a mindfuck? I'm once again connected with everything on this plane. Feeling is hitting me like a fucking ton of bricks now, and what to do, withdraw again? I can't imagine she feels anything for me but hate? I can't even look her in the face properly... I left her to fucking die, man.


thoughts?

Comments

  • Name's TakenName's Taken Acolyte
    edited July 2010
    You have no responsibility to homeless street trash. It's her life, her responsibility and she can't expect you to change it for her.

    Also it wasn't an angel, you're just plain fucking nuts.
  • fanglekaifanglekai Regular
    edited July 2010
    People will make their own choices. As depressing as it is, you need to live your own life and let things come and go as they will.
  • Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
    edited July 2010
    You have no responsibility to homeless street trash. It's her life, her responsibility and she can't expect you to change it for her.

    Also it wasn't an angel, you're just plain fucking nuts.
    Listen; I don't got a soul if it ain't her. Also, yes he was :rolleyes: what do you think, angels turn into other shit sometimes? He still is an angel moron.
    fanglekai wrote: »
    People will make their own choices. As depressing as it is, you need to live your own life and let things come and go as they will.
    I can't this time man, that's exactly what I was saying when talking about withdrawing into myself and becoming an uncaring avatar. Now that I've had a revelation that causes me to not be in that state, being around her again is giving me reason to return to it. It's tough.

    Also; do you think she has reason to hate me? I do, like I said in the OP I just left her there.
  • woodwood Regular
    edited July 2010
    As of now you have exactly 666 posts...

    If you really feel like you need to help this chick then maybe you should. You did try the first time, but you weren't well equipped. There's only one way to find out if she hates you.
  • SilosighbinSilosighbin Regular
    edited July 2010
    wood wrote: »
    As of now you have exactly 666 posts...


    Whoa :eek::eek::eek::eek:








    TL;DR. i'm not sober enough to read much at the momnt. I'll read it another tim
  • SilosighbinSilosighbin Regular
    edited July 2010
    double post :facepalm:. sorry.
  • fanglekaifanglekai Regular
    edited July 2010
    I read the whole thing. You need to get this girl out of your head. There are millions of people (probably billions) who live shit lives in horrible conditions. This girl is homeless and that sucks, but she needs to look for help by going to churches or a shelter or something. Having her squat with you might have been a ploy for her to steal your shit. You don't really know, and at this point whatever help you offered her isn't even an option. She won't accept anything from you, so I think you need to let it go.
  • Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
    edited July 2010
    Ok here's the way I see it tho Fanglekei.....I left her there, as you know. I could have taken her with me. This is the part that haunts me; who the fuck knows what happened to that poor girl on the street when I turned my back on her? She's not homeless now but that doesn't make it any better, who knows what's happened to her because of me.

    And yes, I'd blame myself for everything that happened to her after I refused to help. As it's my fault.
    Whoa :eek::eek::eek::eek:








    TL;DR. i'm not sober enough to read much at the momnt. I'll read it another tim

    HEAVY METAL FARMER!!:mad:

    It's good man I understand. Give an opinion when you do? :) it'll make up for the tl;dr ahaha jk
  • Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
    edited July 2010
    She loaned me a pack of cigs today. What a great girl! :)

    Still haven't talked to her about this tho..
  • SlartibartfastSlartibartfast Global Moderator -__-
    edited July 2010
    you write with a foreign syntax.

    Russian?
  • Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
    edited July 2010
    No I got the world on my mind tho
  • Dumpster SlutDumpster Slut Acolyte
    edited July 2010
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited July 2010
    I scrolled to the bottom because I was expecting bel-air. I've done shit that will haunt me forever, I think most people have. We all have to live with our mistakes.The only advice I can give you is to take comfort in the fact that you at least tried to help. I just wish I could say the same...
  • vnorbertovnorberto Acolyte
    edited July 2010
    I scrolled to the bottom because I was expecting bel-air. I've done shit that will haunt me forever, I think most stupid people have. We all have to live with our mistakes.The only advice I can give you is to take comfort in the fact that you at least tried to help. I just wish I could say the same...

    fixed
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited July 2010
    vnorberto wrote: »
    fixed

    :rolleyes:
  • vnorbertovnorberto Acolyte
    edited August 2010
    its ok, it happens to the best of us
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    vnorberto wrote: »
    its ok, it happens to the best of us

    i no it suks rite :o:o:o:o
  • edited August 2010
    I don't care if you believe this; the archangel Gabriel spoke to me at this point. He said that if I didn't offer this girl help then a scar on my heart would deter me from achieving my full purpose in life. I don't care how nice you say angels can be, this time I was pretty scared (having never heard voices/ spirits) and I went the fuck back over. I wanted to anyway, a scientific explanation for what happened is that my crumbling catholic belief system constructed such a message from my own conscience. However, I know he was an angel.

    Not trying to be critical, but why would a higher being give you an imperative only to watch you fail and suffer for it? If you be kind to her, watch out. Like Fanglekai said, she might jack your shit. This chick give me a second guess sort of feeling.
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    Not trying to be critical, but why would a higher being give you an imperative only to watch you fail and suffer for it? If you be kind to her, watch out. Like Fanglekai said, she might jack your shit. This chick give me a second guess sort of feeling.

    Has belief in a higher being ever resulted in anything good?
  • edited August 2010
    Has belief in a higher being ever resulted in anything good?

    The Riddle of Epicuris
    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    The Riddle of Epicuris
    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

    Yeah theres that. But what that riddle is really talking about is the demiurge, not god.
  • edited August 2010
    Yeah theres that. But what that riddle is really talking about is the demiurge, not god.

    I consider God more of a concept than an actual being. What do you consider as the definition of God?
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    I consider God more of a concept than an actual being. What do you consider as the definition of God?

    Ain/Tao/Chaos/Kia.
  • edited August 2010
    Ain/Tao/Chaos/Kia.

    455007.1-lg.gif

    Seriously though, what mythology/ideology is Kia derived from? Your idea sounds close to how the Vedics viewed Brahman, the great vacuity.
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    455007.1-lg.gif

    Seriously though, what mythology/ideology is Kia derived from? Your idea sounds close to how the Vedics viewed Brahman, the great vacuity.

    ^^^ lol I predicted that was coming. Kia is a deliberately meaningless word to describe the divine that originated from artist/occultist Austin Osman Spare. You can find his work online easily through google. I recommend the Book of Pleasure and Anathema of Zos.
  • edited August 2010
    ^^^ lol I predicted that was coming. Kia is a deliberately meaningless word to describe the divine that originated from artist/occultist Austin Osman Spare. You can find his work online easily through google. I recommend the Book of Pleasure and Anathema of Zos.

    I've sene the phrase "the Anathema of Zos" when I was younger and it reminded me of Hand of Zek every time. I'll do some snooping round. Thanks for the info.
  • Big baby jesusBig baby jesus Regular
    edited August 2010
    Not trying to be critical, but why would a higher being give you an imperative only to watch you fail and suffer for it? If you be kind to her, watch out. Like Fanglekai said, she might jack your shit. This chick give me a second guess sort of feeling.
    Listen; she's still alive.
    Has belief in a higher being ever resulted in anything good?
    See above.
    The Riddle of Epicuris
    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

    That's an easy one; I have a facebook note about it actually. Evil is ignorance of God. It's not of God itself.
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