Self Mutilation A.K.A Cutting
StephenPBarrett
Adviser
I started cutting myself when I was little kid in kindergarten. I remember the very first time was when I had dropped a glass mason jar on the floor and it shattered. I took one of the big shards and hid under the table to slice open the back of my hand several times. When my mom asked me about it later I told her I had been running through a thorny patch.
I learned to hide the cuts well. I didn't want anyone to see them because I didn't want them to question me about them or judge me for them. Sometimes I would get risky and cut on my arms where someone could see but I'd always come up with something logical to explain them.
It has to be said that I was never a goth kid or anything like that. I was the class clown / weirdo. It was never about getting attention. I didn't want anyone to know about it. There was a goth girl I met in school who also cut but she did it much more often and in places where she knew everyone would be able to see. She would show people her self mutilation, she was proud of it and I hated her for it.
I did this for many years on and off at times. It was never about depression but if I was depressed or angry I was almost certain to cut/burn myself. It was like an addiction. I started carrying around either a razor or a glass shard so that I could cut myself whenever I wanted. I'd take the opportunity during bathroom breaks at work to do this. Unlike today's stereotypical cutters I never wanted other people to know about it. I didn't talk about it and never showed anyone. If somebody noticed I was bleeding I would freak out a little and quickly act surprised.
Today I am cured of this addiction. However, like the addictive drugs I've quit I think about it every once in a while and have to remind myself why it is a bad idea. A year couple of years ago I lost that battle and decided that if it doesn't hurt anyone else and doesn't hinder my interactions with society then it didn't matter and would be okay. Then I got laid after a long drought.
I only have two scars from this: one is from a burn on the inside of my left lower arm the other is from a very large cut on the outside calf of my left leg.
I made the scar on my leg with a dull pair of rusty scissors. When I made the slice I jerked and cut the flesh very deep. It wouldn't stopped bleeding and I went into hysterics, thinking that I had severed some artery so I called an ambulance. I was still in high school then and after the stitches I was sent to a mental institution for 3 days. I was only there for such a short time because I realized right away that all I really needed to do was keep to myself unless spoken too and tell them what they wanted to hear. I faked emotions and even forced myself to cry when they told me I could go home just to make sure it was a done deal.
I haven't cut/burned myself in years and have no intentions of doing so any time soon. However... I could definitely conceive that eventually I might do it again. I feel the same way about banging opiates. So maybe I'm not completely cured but I don't think anyone ever is with things like these. I think you just learn to cope.
I didn't make this thread to get attention from you guys. I don't want your sympathy and I know this being Totse you wouldn't give it to me anyway, I don't expect it. I made this thread to inform that not all "cutters" are stupid little goth/emo kids. Not all of them are depressed or even unhappy at all. I'm not entirely sure why I used to do it. I just liked it.
I learned to hide the cuts well. I didn't want anyone to see them because I didn't want them to question me about them or judge me for them. Sometimes I would get risky and cut on my arms where someone could see but I'd always come up with something logical to explain them.
It has to be said that I was never a goth kid or anything like that. I was the class clown / weirdo. It was never about getting attention. I didn't want anyone to know about it. There was a goth girl I met in school who also cut but she did it much more often and in places where she knew everyone would be able to see. She would show people her self mutilation, she was proud of it and I hated her for it.
I did this for many years on and off at times. It was never about depression but if I was depressed or angry I was almost certain to cut/burn myself. It was like an addiction. I started carrying around either a razor or a glass shard so that I could cut myself whenever I wanted. I'd take the opportunity during bathroom breaks at work to do this. Unlike today's stereotypical cutters I never wanted other people to know about it. I didn't talk about it and never showed anyone. If somebody noticed I was bleeding I would freak out a little and quickly act surprised.
Today I am cured of this addiction. However, like the addictive drugs I've quit I think about it every once in a while and have to remind myself why it is a bad idea. A year couple of years ago I lost that battle and decided that if it doesn't hurt anyone else and doesn't hinder my interactions with society then it didn't matter and would be okay. Then I got laid after a long drought.
I only have two scars from this: one is from a burn on the inside of my left lower arm the other is from a very large cut on the outside calf of my left leg.
I made the scar on my leg with a dull pair of rusty scissors. When I made the slice I jerked and cut the flesh very deep. It wouldn't stopped bleeding and I went into hysterics, thinking that I had severed some artery so I called an ambulance. I was still in high school then and after the stitches I was sent to a mental institution for 3 days. I was only there for such a short time because I realized right away that all I really needed to do was keep to myself unless spoken too and tell them what they wanted to hear. I faked emotions and even forced myself to cry when they told me I could go home just to make sure it was a done deal.
I haven't cut/burned myself in years and have no intentions of doing so any time soon. However... I could definitely conceive that eventually I might do it again. I feel the same way about banging opiates. So maybe I'm not completely cured but I don't think anyone ever is with things like these. I think you just learn to cope.
I didn't make this thread to get attention from you guys. I don't want your sympathy and I know this being Totse you wouldn't give it to me anyway, I don't expect it. I made this thread to inform that not all "cutters" are stupid little goth/emo kids. Not all of them are depressed or even unhappy at all. I'm not entirely sure why I used to do it. I just liked it.
Comments
this 100%.
But yeah OP, I was the same, maybe to a bit less of an extent. I just had a fancy for making a mark on myself with burns, cuts, etc. But yeah I'm over it now, I've found more interesting things in my life. I've always been one to experiment with fucking weird shit though
But I did similar things as a kid. Not so much cutting though as burning, or like sticking safety pins, through my skin, mostly for amusement. Mostly when I was way younger, though.
Now my self destruction comes in less obvious forms, usually. It's an interesting thing, though, to think about, to study, and to hear people tell stories about. It's so common, and yet it differs so much from case to case.
When you're five, it's not like that. You don't REALIZE what it is you're doing well enough to choose something else. -_- So it's not that simple in every case.
Even when I was five I knew it was a bad idea and would hurt and make me bleed. I might not have known the exact reason why I did it then but to be honest I still don't know why I did. I just liked it.
Yes, but I mean... at five you don't think things like "wow, I should probably go exercise instead!" you just don't. Your understanding of what you're doing isn't that detailed. So that's what I was saying. Few people who start that young are going to consider exercise as an alternative before doing something like that. That was my whole point.