2011 marked the year of change and progress, I went from a guy who helped not run a forum called totse.info to a freelancer and then to a guy who loves helping people out, in short I took my balls out and finally decided it’s time to show them to everyone. Unlike others I am different, I don’t deny it nor I try to fight it, I have a very weird up bringing from family issues to dealing with crisis I have seen it all. I am in my twenties and according to the World I am educated to a certain extent, I never liked working for Pakistani Companies nor I adored the Pakistani Education system nor did I trust my Government.
The only thing that kept me going was Totse.com and then &Z and finally .info but when I look back I just see a transition. It seemed all that time I was moving towards something that I was going to be in near future, don’t get me wrong I dreamed of being this and that but never in my life I had a real dream. Like if you say that you want to go to the Moon and discover the World, I will happily tag along with you because to me seeing someone happy makes me happy for some reason, sharing someone else dream feels like living your own dream. Some people can call me a person without any dreams and it’s true actually, I would love to sit on a bench and just talk with people but that’s something that I enjoy.
To keep things simple, I don’t have any dreams, a year ago I was thinking of getting killed in this GOD forsaken land we called Pakistan and others called shithole (which is true actually but they usually forget the word BROWN). I didn’t fear getting killed but I thought it would be a welcome change but then 4 months later I was busy building a community which I thought would be amazing and full of life but alas it turned out I was going it the wrong way but I met some people, I started expanding myself, really learning things, I don’t challenge myself, I lack creative drawing skills, it’s something I always wanted to have, the power to draw something, I am sure I would be good at it, but I am not gifted nor I am focused enough to put hours into doing it.
Like I said it was 2011, the year of change and progress, I went through different changes but everything changed in August when I finally realised what I am capable off, in short it felt like I being born again, suddenly everything around me seemed so much better, I saw potential, I saw real value in things, I went from a guy who would right fucked up things to someone who didn’t even think about that stuff, I was changed man. Looking back, talking and really communicating with people helped a lot, I always boosted about my self-confidence, and that helped me a lot.
In 2011, I discovered the power of voice communication, I agree it’s partly one of the reasons why you see the change all around you. Using Skype and then Team Speak and then Stickam, I was able to finally see the real faces, I saw people who lived their lives, I saw people who know what they’re talking about, suddenly the random keywords changed into real people who I cared about and later on loved (nohomo) and I got a tremendous feedback from them, more than I have ever seen in my life, the emotional connection that I had with them felt real, it almost seemed like I was talking to my real family.
I believe that extra push made me change myself, I went from a guy would listen to everyone and then take the best course of action and hope everything worked out to a guy who took action and trusted in his abilities, I mean sure I do ask around but I make changes as I see fit which in the end works out anyway. The point is folks, I rediscovered myself. Suddenly the damp old bed and the broken chair wasn’t enough.
In 2011, I discovered that I want to work with videos, it started with some crappy videos and ended in decent videos, it seems I could spent hours on fixing videos and editing them. But the problem was with the source material, you can’t create something if you don’t have any ideas about it. See, that’s the thing that I lacked the most, building assets, sure if you start off something I can really drive things off but they’re just something that I can’t do (I am working on fixing them) programing, designing are some of those regretful things. Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty kick ass brain, it’s capable of fixing things and it’s tuned to social networking and really connecting with people, in short I am a people’s person. Not some tech guru, although I always wanted to be one.
With the ambition of being a video guru, I ventured into the world of freelancing and came out a bit bruised, I was fairly successful but then I found out how the system works, it’s actually one of my best known qualities, you but me in some environment and I will find my way in, I decided to focus on long-term work and that’s where I found my friends, I call them friends because I always work as if I am helping you out, I don’t ask for extend fee’s nor do I steer you in the wrong direction. In short, I work honestly and thanks to that, I am here sitting on my computer chair typing out this blog entry and smiling at the future. Because I know that the friends that I have made would cherish my trust in them and would work side by side with me and making something better.
The title seems a bit misleading considering the content but that’s just my SEO instincts kicking in. In 2011 I left Islam and took up love and peace and humanity. In short, I try to be agnostic in some ways. Religion has really screwed me up in Pakistan, it’s actually the no.1 reason why everyone in Pakistan lacks real drive, it’s a cancer that can’t be cure, it’s a malware that doesn’t leave you. Not all religions are bad, but the one I was exposed too, was the worst. I am sure I can get killed for saying this, but that’s the truth. If I was a true Muslim, I wouldn’t be here and I thank the universe or whoever is watching over me for not tainting the real me.
In 2011, we lost our first member. Audio <– Here. It’s still confirmed some believe it could be a massive troll but nonetheless it’s not something that I enjoyed. DKR committed suicide because he believed that nothing will interest him. We did try to save him but he tried using words. Sure we could have called the police and rat him out but we didn’t have any real information regarding him and his past history dictates that has tried it before and failed or just didn’t go through with it. At Totseans we believe in your right to make life changing decisions, we would voice our concerns but if you have decided you want it, we will step back and hope you don’t. I wished I would have stopped him but alas you can’t win everything and there are somethings that are always out of your control. Hopefully in 2012, we as a community would be able to avoid that.
I have no idea why I am sharing things in this much detail with everyone but truth be told, I always enjoyed talking with people and blogging is just a medium to get your voice across. 2012 is going to be a hard year, I moved out to live on my own and this year is going to be far harder than any other year in my life. I took the step for change and I do hope I don’t fail but one thing is for sure, I will be ALWAYS be with my friends and family because in the end living isolation has taught me one thing, family matters.
So, my beloved Totseans, blood of my blood, my real family. I do hope together we can be the light that will bring some change in this work, I do hope that we would be able to inspire people into changing themselves, totseans.com is just one step in the right direction, in the coming years we would be running a marathon of change. To all those Ex-members that were removed, I am sure but unless you change yourself into something better, you won’t find comfort here. This is a community that acts like a real community and shares the same vision.
Happy New Year, I hope this year brings real change in your life. I would like to thank Chris, Jackon, Raven and my fellow Totseans brothers for being with me and supporting me whenever you could.
Love
Dfg the guy who likes to call himself as Richard
p.s: ignore the grammar mistakes for now.
