Using Candy for Revenge
by George Hayduke
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This one may take some getting used to, and you may not even want to read
it... it's pretty yucky. But it came in and is sworn to as true by the
perpetrator. It shows me how far people will go when they are frustrated
or screwed over by someone else. Our source here is a man who wants to
call himself The Phantom from Whitman's Samplers. You'll see the cogency
in a moment.
Mr. Phantom got fired without cause by his very rotten
boss, but only after the young employee had set up a system of accounting
which would save the company a lot of money. After the employee set up the
system and explained it, the boss fired him and turned it over to his wife
to operate. Wives don't have to be paid, I guess. Mr. Phantom's revenge
was, ahh, sweet. Here's his story.
"My ex-boss was having a party for some
of his equally crass friends. I decided to send along a present of my own
'homemade candy' which I had an ally, a friendly bartender, slip into the
party. I made sure my present was all done up nicely in a Whitman Sampler
box with real candy. Here's how I prepared that gift.
"Several nights
before the party I ate six ears of corn for dinner... nothing else. Later
that evening, I ate two apples (a great source of pectin). The next
morning I moved my bowels into a plastic bag. I allowed the feces to dry
in the sun for two days. Wearing rubber gloves, I cut that dried block into
small squares the size of cherries. They were semihard with whole kernals
of corn running through them, a decidedly disgusting visual effect.
"Then,
I melted four large bars of milk chocolate in a double boiler, and, not
unlike a fondue, I gently covered the feces pieces with the delectable milk
chocolate.
"When they were dry, I wrapped each one in the golden foil that
the original chocolate-covered cherries come wrapped in. I filled the box
and resealed it."
According to Mr. Phantom, the bartender said the "gift"
was devoured for a few moments until one guest finally spit out a piece of
"candy". Within two minutes, there was not enough bathroom space to
accomodate eighteen gastrically ill guests involuntarily intent upon
regurgitating.
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