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A list of the most effective and hilarious ways to
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shoplifting--
throughtout my life i have been one of the many who dont quite
have enough money to buy all the shit that they want (and i mean MANY). for
about 8 years i have shoplifted and although i have quit, here are some of
the teqniques i used
THE OLD IN THE POCKET MANUEVER-not very creative, but mostlikly the most
popular one ive seen. ive seen some people stash 6 chocolate bars in their
pockets in a matter of seconds without even the slightest irregular
or ackward motion. unfortunatly this method is risky unless you have
perfected it
DOWN THE PANTS IN A HURRY- you heard me, just take the stuff and stuff it
down your pants. make sure you arent stealing anything very cold or something
that is too obvious (dont wanna frighten an old lady on the way out).
this method, mostlikly themost effective, i have stopped doing because a)
i wear boxers now and b) it takes too much time. you have a good 2 or 3 seconds
that it takes to get the stuff down there and in position.
LIVING IN THE STORE- by far the riskiest of all tactics. go into some store
at 10 oclock at night and just grab a magazine and some food and snack on
it as you walk through the store. chances are the Joe Dicksucker they have
working the regester is the only one on duty, and could give a fuck about
you stealing a chocolate bar. this method is the most entertaining as i have
seen my friend down a snapple in about 6 or 7 seconds.
THE GRAB AND RUN- this method is the only thing that takes more time than
the "down the pants" manuever. you have to wait in a store with one
employee (7-elevn is the best) and wait til Abu Asshole goes in the back
to smoke, then grab as much shit as you can and haul ass.
THE CREATIVE RIP OFF- any container that hs a top that cannot be seen through
is a shoplifters paradise. our old safeway used to have this old deal
where you could cram as much brach's candy as you could in a 10 ounce
cup and fit the lid on fot about one buck. well well, who is to say you cant
just fill it almost to the rim with razor blades (about 10 bucks a pack) or
your lunch, my favorite is order a deli sandwich and cram it in the cup,
sprinkle some of the brachs candy on top (in case they DO ever check it,
which is rare, but hey) and exit the store with 15-20 worth of shit for
1 dollar. another big winner is the super big slurpee seven eleven. that
fucker is 64 ounces big with a cap that you cant see through. be creative,
see how many hagen-dazs you can fit in one of those then put a little
slurpee on top (some flavor with a dark color) give Abu Asshole the
dollar and there you have about 6 or 7 hagen dazs that normally
cost 2 dollars each.
anyway, have fun and dont get caught!
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