Adam Ram's Public Part

by Adam Ram

I'm an evil man, you should be clear about that. I'm proud to say a more sadistic monster never existed , I make no apology , I revel in it. I inflect as much pain on as many people as I can, I'm very good at my work and get even better every day. As President and CEO of BlackNet my goal is to make the whole world scream in agony, to suffer as I have suffered, one day soon I will succeed. I haven't always been so enlightened , for 34 years I was a fool, a nice guy who hated to see people unhappy and wouldn't hurt a fly , I did have an unusual occupation however. For 14 years I made a middle class living working a 40 hour a week shift as an actor in porno movies . Maybe you've heard of my stage name "Adam Ram" , maybe not, I made hundreds of movies but most of them were very low budget and I never achieved porno superstar status.

My balls are the best in the industry but my cock , although in the top ten , was not number one by the demanding standards of my porno colleagues . John Holms , Long Dong Silver , Miles Long and perhaps the Chinese sensation Long Wang ,were bigger. In spite of this I was never out of work. I was popular with the movie makers because of my dependability, it's expensive to have the caste and crew wait around doing nothing while the star tries to get it up, directors hate it. In my 14 years in the business that has never happened to me, I don't know anybody else who can say that. I've always felt that if you can't get a rock hard high angle erection it's better not to have an erection at all, nothing is more disgusting and pathetic than a flaccid phallus pretending to be hard . Sometimes they would pay me to be on standby as a stunt cock . If the superstar ran into difficulty I would step in, they would shoot me from the waist down and with a little editing nobody would know the difference. The dicks in some of the most famous scenes in movies don't belong to the men you think they do, I'd love to be more specific but in order to get the job I had to swear never to tell and a promise is a promise. I could always come up with a good hard erection whenever the director wanted, hold it for as long as necessary, climax with a picturesque ejaculation and be ready to do it all again 10 minutes later. I'm better looking than John Holms or Long Dong too, but that's not saying much.

If you want to compete at a world level you need to be born with certain physical attributes but that alone is not enough. To become a champion at sex you need lots of practice and not just when your in the mood and it would be fun. You need to push yourself even when your tired and would rather go to a movie or sleep, it takes sacrifice . Most people treat sex as a hobby but if you want to become the very best you must treat it as a science. I kept a detailed work diary and always listened carefully when my partner would critique my performance. Porno actresses are notoriously candid and crude about this but if you don't listen to feedback you will never improve. I always took home a tape of the days shoot , looking , often frame by frame, for errors in method and ways to improve performance. You need to make a serious study of sex, and I don't mean leering over porno magazines , I read medical textbooks to understand the anatomy and physiology of human sex organs . You need to stay off drugs ( I don't even drink beer) and be in good shape, and not just because of appearance, over my 14 years I averaged 13.2 ejaculations per 8 hour shift and was hard for 6 hours and 19 minutes. I had 30 minutes for lunch and was off weekends and most major holidays , after five years I got 10 days of vacation per year.

I developed a mental technique to put my penis under voluntary control like my hand , this method can be taught , I wrote a monograph about it but nobody has ever read it and nobody ever will. I believe my mental technology would increase the sum total of human happiness and it is for precisely this reason that I will never publish it . With my technique I could get an erection even when its late in the day, I'm exhausted and sex was the last thing in the world I wanted to do and I'm coming down with a bad cold and I'm worried about personal problems and I don't find the man I'm about to have sex with attractive because I'm not gay. The director doesn't give a damn what your sexual preference is, this is work not fun and games time ,when he says have sex with something you have sex with it. I only made one demand so I've never let anyone fuck me in the ass, probably why I don't have AIDS or hemorrhoids. I like numbers, 91.8% of my work sex was with women 7.9% was with men .3% other, I told you I kept a detailed diary. My hobby is swimming, after work I'd usually swim a few miles at the Y. I was on the swim team in college and was pretty good but not good enough to make the Olympics. I always felt sex should be an Olympic event, I know I could have made that team.

My last movie , the biggest most ambitious film I was ever in, was written and directed by a odious but talented little prick named Edwin Stinkler who made the best movies in the business. When I say little prick I mean it quite literally , he had the smallest adult cock in the western hemisphere , well O.K., the smallest adult cock I had ever seen but that's almost the same thing. It always seemed strange that a man like that would become one of the leaders of the porn trade , some sort of overcompensation I suppose, like his big bushy beard.

My character was an uptight conservative business man . In my first scene I'm driving with a women customer at 60 mph in my car when she suddenly gives me a blow job . It seemed pretty standard stuff till I got a look at my " love interest ". I'd never seen anything like it but then I've never been to the circus, she was a whale ,the biggest woman I ever saw . I'm 6 ft 2 in but she towered a good 8 or 9 inches over me. Her face ,more like a mules that a woman's, could haunt a house. She was unique , eyes badly crossed , huge bulbous nose, massive lantern jaw , mouth way too big, baggy tits and an ass as shapely as a sack full of door knobs. I didn't want her to feel like a freak so I waited till I got Stinkler alone . "Is this a joke ? " I demanded " . Well it is a comedy" he said with a smirk on his face. " Fuck you Stinkler " I yelled at him . "Calm down, calm down, she's not as bad as that". At least he stopped that annoying smile, I think he was afraid I'd walk off the picture. "She's hideous" I said a little quieter. He philosophized " Oh I don't know, some say she has a sort of strange beauty, we shouldn't be slaves to western esthetic values, beauty comes from within, besides ,lots of people will pay good money to watch human oddities fuck , but then you know all about that." I really hated that man " I am not a human oddity " I said from behind clenched teeth . He tried to smile but it looked like a smirk . "Okay, no offense, God , your so sensitive about that . We were very lucky to get her ,according to The Guinness Book she's the 9th tallest woman in the world and she's been in several Fellini movies . She's a specialist too you know, the word is she gives the best blow jobs in Eastern Europe ." I said " well, couldn't we put a bag over her head , poke a hole in it and write " insert here" on it ." "Trust me " he said " I know what I'm doing ".

I hate to admit it but he usually did ,but the thought of that behemoth with her huge head in my crotch and my dick in her mouth made me shutter ,however this is my craft and work can't always be fun.

I was surprised to learn that Stinkler wanted me to really drive the car at high speed while I got the blow job, I had assumed it would be done in the studio or they'd tow the car and I'd just pretend to drive but Stinkler didn't think that would look realistic . This was a new stunt for me , I've fucked on airplanes and horseback, I've had sex 40 feet underwater while sharing an air-tank with my partner, and while sky diving from 16000 feet but somehow I lived 34 years and never once got a blow job while driving a car. I had a feeling it was harder than it looked , it can't be easy to keep your mind on the road but I'm a professional and I was sure I could master the skill with a little practice. Stinkler refused, rehearsals means time and time means money, out of the question. He said he found a road that goes through some beautiful scenery and has almost no traffic that would be perfect for the shoot ; the only problem it was just 4 miles long , after that it joined the interstate. At 60 mph that would give me exactly 4 minutes to go from a complete shutdown to a big photogenic ejaculation with nobody to help me but big old mule-face. Speed is not generally an asset in my line of work but it would be in this case. I began to worry that my 14 year dependability record would be broken .

To give myself an edge in this difficult stunt I abstained from all sex for nearly 17 hours before the shoot, the longest since I was 13 years old and a junior in high school . I arrived on the set confident and horny as hell. My aplomb lessened somewhat when I got another look at mule-face, GOD , if only she wasn't so repulsive ! I became more nervous when I saw the road, full of twists and turns, not nearly as straight as Stinkler led me to believe. When I saw the car I became really scared. It was a 20 year old Cadillac convertible the size of a small aircraft carrier with a big film camera mounted on the hood right in front of the driver shooting through the windshield and blocking 90% of the drivers forward vision. Stinkler would be filming with a hand held camera in the back seat behind the passenger to keep out sight of the hood camera. A camera truck would be tailgating us with a third camera to get a shot from the back.

This was starting to sound really crazy. I should have told Stinkler to go fuck himself and walked off, I knew it at the time but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was proud of the fact that I could always do what was asked of me and this was the highest paying job I ever had.

"OK people" Stinkler said to all of us but I knew he was really talking to me " This is the most expensive part of the movie, were using 3 cameras and can only afford to do this once. If everybody does his job it will be fine but if somebody fails to perform then were all out of work". Just what I needed, more pressure, the little prick.

I put my foot on the accelerator as I tried to look around the massive camera at the road. In a flash mule-face unzipped my pants and had my limp dick out. " Don't look at her face or I'll never get up" I thought, but that wasn't a problem, the woman may be grotesque but she knew how to give a good blow job , we were know one minute in and already I had a moderate erection. I understood why Stinkler had hired her, I've had thousands of blow jobs but nothing like this, she was a real artist . She could do wonderful things with her tongue and her lung capacity was amazing, she could suck a golf ball through 5 feet of garden hose. She put my entire dick in her mouth, this was brand new for me , I wouldn't have thought it possible.

I was right, it is hard to keep your mind on driving , I didn't take that last curve well at all, I was all over the road, lucky there wasn't any traffic . At two minutes I had a first rate hard on, I thought " this is actually going to work, I could come right now if I wanted but I could get better dramatic effect if I wait another two minutes". My erection was getting better but my driving was getting worse, the tires were squealing as the car swerved from side to side. "Don't slow down" Stinkler yelled from the back seat " the veering gives a great comic effect", I told you he was a little prick.

By 3 minutes I don't think I ever had a better erection, I was just about to switch over to ejaculation mode when the car went off the road. I put on the brakes but it was too late, a tree was right in front of me getting larger by the second. Things happened in slow motion, for a tiny instant I felt a wave of pleasure far more intense than anything I ever felt before, more intense than anything I thought possible ,a sort of super orgasm. This is where I was trying to get to all my life, this is the meaning of life. I heard the harsh sound a car horn and was annoyed because it distracted me away from my ecstasy , then I realized it wasn't a car horn but my own voice screaming, for the pleasure had stopped and for the first time it my life I felt pain. Most people live their entire life and never feal pain once. I broke my leg as a kid , it was a nasty fracture with part of the bone sticking through the skin, at the time I thought it very painful but I was wrong, that was discomfort this was pain for the goddamn bitch had bitten my penis off.

Stinkler and mule-face were killed and if a hospital hadn't bean nearby I would have died too, my doctor said he'd never seen anyone loose that much blood and live . No need to write about the gory details because , like much of my life, it's all on film. If your interested and have a strong stomach a video tape made from the film shot that day is available from BlackNet ( $29.95 + $2.00 S.H.) and some of the sleazier porno shops. They didn't even try to reattach my penis because they didn't find it until much too late. Two days after the accident while performing an autopsy on mule-face they found it half way down her throat, apparently she choked to death on it. It seems like an obvious place to look for it to me and I would have said so but at the time I was incapable of doing anything but scream , I didn't care if I lived or died I just wanted the pain to stop.

I spent 3 weeks and most of Adam Rams savings in the hospital, by then it no longer hurt, physically. On the day I was to get out I was charged with two counts of vehicular manslaughter and went directly from hospital to jail. I used the last of my savings known to the police to post bond then changed identities, grew a beard , dyed my hair , and skipped town.

It was easy to disappear because for years as a hobby I had developed several paper identities. At the time of the accident I had 6 well developed pseudonyms complete with birth certificates, school records, social security numbers, work histories ,drivers licenses in 6 different states , bank accounts and credit cards. In addition I also had 9 other pseudonyms in various stages of development, it takes time to develop a good reputation for an identity so I always keep some in the pipeline. None of these names was the one I was born with, I haven't used that for anything in 20 years. Nobody, NOBODY, knew more than one alias. I didn't do it to scam anyone, all my pseudonyms paid their bills on time and , although it would be simple to do, none were on welfare. I didn't need the money and at the time I was an idiot ,that is, a honest man . I enjoyed puzzles and am good at solving them, this always brought new challenges . It was fun and it also gave me a sense of security to know the pseudonyms were there if I ever needed them. Everyone should be prepared to change identities, especially if you have an unpopular job, like me.

Except for sleeping and sex I spent more time with my computer than any other activity. I became good at it , real good. With a computer, a laser printer and a simple laminating machine I could produce any document you want but that's only a small part of the puzzle, you need to know how to reach into any computer data base over the telephone and change it . I know how to do this better than anyone. Several of my pseudonyms have advanced degrees ( two were physicians) and the universities would have a very had time proving they were not legitimate, their own records said they were legal and seemed to be in perfect order.

Yes ,I could grow a beard, my balls were undamaged and could still churn out hormones like testosterone at a furious pace so my sexual desire was as strong as ever but I could do absolutely nothing about it . I needed to find a new way to channel my sexual energy but I couldn't even jerk off. Far better to lose your balls than your dick, If your castrated you can just forget about sex and do other things with your life , I couldn't forget about sex, my balls wouldn't let me, but I couldn't have any sex either. I felt like I was locked in a steel jock strap while surrounded by beautiful naked women . I knew I would never find the key. All my life I'd been the guy with the biggest dick on the block and now I had no dick at all , a vital part of my core being was dead ,yet I was still breathing . I bought a gun, late at night I would put my finger on the trigger and the barrel in my mouth hoping to find the courage to blow my brains out ,and be filled with self loathing when I couldn't. The taste of cowardice is metallic.

I didn't sleep much, sometimes the walls of my apartment would start to close in and I had to get out . I had no place to go so I'd just walk , I never knew where I'd end up. One night I was walking past a construction site with a chain link fence around it when I saw a man in the shadows a few feet ahead. He said something but I was deep in thought and not paying attention . "I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" I said. As he walked closer I saw that he was a big man in gym shorts, more important, he had a gun and it was pointed at me. He spoke slowly, I don't think he was a rocket scientist " I said give me your wallet mother fucker". He was about 50 pounds heavier than me but a bit flabby. " I don't have a wallet" I lied , if you walk around a big city late at night you will be questioned by the police so I always carried (phony) ID and money. He put the gun to my forehead and said " give me your wallet or I'll blow your fucking head off". I saw that the gun was a 44 magnum and that gave me courage , not likely to be injured by a gun that big and the mess would be somebody else's problem. "Well then " I said " I guess your just going to haft to blow my head off because as I said before I don't have a wallet , you moronic fucking fagot ". I expected him to get angry but he just looked puzzled, after several seconds he smiled and said "okay then, you can pay me another way, drop those pants, turn around and bend over" it looked like my " fucking fagot" remark wasn't too far off the mark. I watched his eyes carefully and said " Okay ,I'll do whatever you want , your the boss ."

I moved my left hand to my zipper , I saw his eyes follow it and at that instant I hit him it the throat with my right arm. I immediately realized I did it all wrong, he had difficulty breathing and was making eeep eeep sounds with this mouth, he was still holding the gun but it was pointed straight down and I was still alive.

"Imbecile" I yelled " you must be the only mugger in town who doesn't know how to pull a trigger".

I don't think he heard me, he just wanted to keep going eeep eeep. The thought of his incompetence enraged me ,I hit him in the face, he dropped the gun and fell toward a gate in the fence I heard the sound of breaking metal and the gate swung open. I picked up the gun and walked over to him.

After a few minutes he got his breath back and said " I think you broke my noise". I laughed a little hysterically " Your nose? Your worried about your nose?".

As I kicked him in the ribs I felt something snap inside and he groaned , so I kicked him again, a little harder. He was in a fetal position trying to protect his vital areas.

He was yelling "I'm sorry, I wasn't going to do anything , I was just kidding, I'll suck your cock if you stop "

I stopped kicking and looked around, the place was full of construction junk , a few things caught my eye, a pulley ,a hose connected to a leaky faucet, some wire, a rope and a large bucket, I picked up a few pieces of rope. "On your feet" I said but he didn't seem to want to move, however after a few more well placed kicks he changed his mind . "Put your back against the fence and your right hand above your head".

In seconds I tied his hand to the fence, not surprising, I had been a Boy Scout , even got a merit badge in knots. He said " Please don't call the cops, I'm already on parol, I'll be a 3 time loser . If you don't call them you can suck my cock. I got a real big dick, everybody says so". I told him " I'm not going to call the police, put your left hand above your head".

He looked relived, I tied his other arm to the fence and did the same with his legs, for good measure I fastened his waist as well. I picked up the pulley and hooked it to a link in the fence above his head . I pulled down his gym shorts, he had a jock strap on , I removed it . His cock wasn't bad, not big enough to be a professional but it probably did impress his wimpey friends, his balls were a bit small though. I tied the steel wire to the fence between his ankles made a noose out of the wire and slipped it over his cock and balls. "What the hell are you doing? " he screamed.

I passed the other end of the wire over the pulley , tied it to the 10 gallon bucket and hung it over the other side of the fence. I put the hose in the bucket and turned it on just a little. " Stop it, that hurts" he cried. " No it doesn't " I said " You'll understand that in about 20 minutes when the pain really does start, the genitals have a lot of nerve endings so they can be the source of transcendental pleasure, it's less well known but they can also be the source of transcendental pain. Right now that plastic bucket weighs almost nothing but when it's full of water it will weigh over 100 pounds, that's okay the piano wire won't break. It will take 90 minutes, maybe 2 hours for the wire to slice off your dick and balls, after that, and this is a subject I know something about , you'll bleed to death in a half hour, remaining fully conscious until perhaps the last 5 minutes. You will be alone and in agony begging for death, but nobody will hear your plea."

I thought he took it pretty well, considering.

He started making noises with his mouth again like "oh no you can't I'll do anything no I can't stand the pain oh please God help me you can't leave me like this no it can't be dear God please make it stop" and stuff like that.

Evidently he thought that if he made the right combination of sounds I would stop, foolish man. I felt I should do my bit to stamp out noise pollution or it would get positively earsplitting in about an hour. I picked up a rag and some duct tape and said " Any last words?" He almost whispered "Mister ... for the love of God " . I looked at his tear filled eyes and said " Two words that have no meaning" , then I stuffed the rag in his mouth, put duct tape over it and walked away.

I stopped after 30 feet and listened, the banging of the fence had the soft gentile sound of distant bells , he was making other quiet sounds too but not the sounds a human being would make, no definitely not a human being. As I walked back to my apartment I shivered, it was the damp night air that made me. I think the climate is getting colder.

It was an epiphany, I new what I would do for the rest of my life. For the first time in over a year I was a happy man. I thought I did a good job, considering he was my first client and it was all improvisation, but I knew there was room for improvement. Inflicting a few hours of pain before death was all well and good but I was convinced it was feasible to extend the agony for weeks, perhaps years. To accomplish this lofty goal I needed to increase my medical knowledge which , with the exception of the sexual organs was not deep. Also my first client was a piece of human sewage who, some would say ,deserved what he got. It would be much more entertaining to make an innocent person suffer. I wanted to make a decent, intelligent, nice guy scream for death , I wanted to watch him try to end his life in the only manner he can, by biting his tongue off and drowning in his own blood.

Physical pain is not the only negative emotion and death not always my goal. I was in the mood for some light comedy and had an idea for a little prank. For the joke to work I needed to get the job of night watchman at a nearby high school. Unfortunately the school already had a well liked night watchman by the name of Bill Edwards . I decided that Mr. Edwards would join the rank of the unemployed and got to work on my computer. I soon made him the mastermind behind an international child pornography ring. I got his drivers license photo from the DMV computer and with a little editing had pictures of him having sex with children. I created foreign bank accounts in his name and evidence of him having moved around large amounts of untaxed money , then I sent an anonymous tip to the FBI and the IRS. All this took me about an hour, it's much easier to plant a few bogus things in a real persons file than it is to create a complete identity from scratch. It was overkill just to get a man fired but great fun. I did a good job, even his 4 kids and wife of 22 years think he's guilty. I understand Bill gets beat up and gang raped regularly, prisoners never treat a " proven " pedophile and convicted child molester well. We'll have colonies on Mars before he gets out.

I didn't want to waste a good identity on a lark, so I used my crummiest , least developed one. I had no trouble getting the job. If someone with ability examined my records for just a few minutes they would see they didn't quite add up but I knew that wouldn't happen, a security firm would rather put their faith in a lie detector. I love lie detectors, there trivial to defeat yet users get a feeling that they have done a complete background check on you. When they asked the control questions ( Is today Tuesday?) I tensed up and bit my tongue so my baseline reading was high ,when they asked the real questions ( Did you really work for AAA security for 2 years?) I would relax.

I was working 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. in the empty high school. This was a very good school full of rich, high society teens, the type that looked down their noses at someone like me as a man with no breeding and an occupation beneath contempt. Their fathers were bank presidents and politicians their mothers aging society matrons with impeccable manners. My father was a part time preacher and full time bathroom attendant at the zoo, my mother a drunk.

As soon as I was alone I went straight for the girls locker room, I'd read the blueprints and wiring diagram for the building so I knew exactly where it was. In a few hours this room would be full of naked young debutantes only a few years past puberty. I knew of people who would love to watch so I intended to make them movie stars. I brought with me a high resolution color TV camera , microphone and digital encoder about the size of a ball point pen. I mounted it in the side of an illuminated "EXIT" sign that gave a good view of the locker and shower area, the lens opening just looked like a speck of black paint, you'd never notice it unless you knew exactly where to look and what to look for. I ran the digital signal ( I used MPEG) through the internal phone line to their well equip computer lab where it was encrypted and stored as a hidden file. Now it could be downloaded every night from anywhere in the world, they had a good T1 internet connection. The second night I did the same thing to the boys locker room, after that I quit.

In a few weeks I had more high quality video than I knew what to do with , hundreds of hours of naked young bodies. It was obvious to anyone after just a few minutes that these were not actors and they did not know they were being photographed, that's what made it so valuable. I laughed when I thought of the look on the kids faces when they found out. Many of these kids would be embarrassed just watching a porno movie, I made them star in a porno movie. The cameras stayed in operation for 6 months, it would have been longer but the man I sold the raw video to started to release it too soon. Somebody saw a tape and traced it back to the school and found the cameras, caused quite a stink but by then I was long gone, of course.

In editing the first few days of raw video down to make it a commercial product , I got to know the kids. One boy named Christian Todd interested me, he was good looking, a better swimmer than I ever was, got good grades, had a first rate dick the best in the school , and had a beautiful girlfriend named Mary Atkins. Even in the locker room surrounded by his peers Christian was never vulgar and always respectful when talking about Mary. He would say corny things like " I love Mary too much to dishonor her" or " Sex is the ultimate act of love and should be done only in marriage". If he said these things in Sunday school I wouldn't have thought anything about it but this was a locker room, I think the sap really believed it. He got some flack from the other boys for being such a goody two shoes but not nearly as much as I would have thought . I was intrigued. I was surprised and delighted to discover that Mary kept a diary of sorts on the school computer. She thought it safe because she used Word Perfect 's built in encryption program ; hell, I could crack that Mickey Mouse code with just paper and pencil. Most of it was adolescent twaddle but I did find some things of interest:

" ... I've never seen a naked man before, not even in pictures [...] I do have a picture of Michelangelo's David ,sometimes I like to stare at it [...] something about the male body fascinates me [...] I hate to admit it even to myself but I think one of the reasons I joined the women swim team is it gave me an excuse to watch the boy's in their tight little swim suites, they look so cute. I'm puzzled by the size of the bulge in their crotch ,not that I mind but it seemed much too big if Michelangelo is to be believed, this is especially true for Christian . That's NOT the reason I love him, that would be gross , the main reason is that he is kind , intelligent and always a perfect gentlemen , never crude like some boys [...] I love Christian, he's so dreamy and cultivated. [ ...] It's gross and I'm going to stop doing that , it's sinful to look at the bulges in boys cloths and imagine the organ underneath in a filthy way ."

I decided these two love birds deserved special processing . Rather than write about it I'll quote from a note Christian wrote about two months after our encounter , just before he hung himself. It was never made public but I had no trouble finding it on the police computer.

"... I've been too ashamed to tell the entire story before but now a complete confession is my only hope for salvation [...] Late afternoon after swim practice I found that the my locker with all my cloths was jammed. [ This was not an accident ] I live less than a mile away so I decided to walk home and cut the padlock off with a bolt cutter the next day . I went through a wooded area, it's a little closer and I didn't fell like walking along the highway just wearing my Speedo's and a T shirt [...] I saw Mary, she looked scared then I saw a man with a gun [...]He told me to stand with my back next to the chain link fence . " Do what I say or you will die" he said " put your right arm up, higher, a little to the right, good , don't move." He opened his bag and took out a strip of plastic . [ These are called "cable ties" a wonderful invention that makes my work easier ] In seconds my arm was securely fastened to the fence, the only way to get free would be to cut the tough plastic with wire cutters. "O.K. now put your left arm up" I hesitated so he pressed the gun next to my genitals and started to push till it hurt , I did as I was told. Now both arms were over my head and tied to the fence. " Move your legs apart, more , more, good" He tied my legs to the fence with more of those plastic strips. He then took a piece of rope about 3 feet long out of his bag passed it through the fence twice and around my waste and tied it with a complicated knot, It looked like he'd done this sort of thing many times. He held my noise closed so I had to open my mouth for air and he quickly pushed a rubber ball in my mouth then put some duct tape over it so I couldn't spit it out. He took out a pair of scissors and I think he could see the fear in my eyes but he just used it to cut off my T shirt . I was only wearing my skimpy swimming suite and felt naked and terrified ..."

"... He took out a super 8 video camera out of his bag mounted it on a small tripod , pointed it at me and turned it on. [ For information about this and other fine video tapes send mail to [email protected] with "catalog" as the subject ] He dragged Mary in front of me and made her take off all her cloths. [...] He handed her a dildo and told her to use it . She was crying and didn't want to but I think he would have shot her if she didn't. [ Not true, I never kill anyone by shooting them, that's much too quick] About this time I looked down and realized my body was responding to Mary's humiliation in a shameful manner. [ This is an instance of being "scared stiff" , that's how the term originated.] I was astonished, I'm not a sadist , I get no pleasure seeing anyone treated brutally, certainly not Mary, but my body would not obey me . I felt like I was raping her myself , I wanted to die. To make matters worse , because I just had on a swimming suit I could not keep this ignominy private. He took great delight in pointing this out and made remarks about it. [ ...] He made Mary knell in front of me and told her to cut off my swim suit with a pair of scissors. He gave her a razor and forced her to shave my groin area then her own. She nicked me a few times but that wasn't her fault. [...] He told her to keep using the dildo and made her put her mouth over my private parts. She had to do it, it wasn't her fault. He kept making her to put more in her mouth till she started to gag but he was still not satisfied, he grabbed her hair and jerked her head back and forth. I was afraid she would choke to death but even this realization did not make my organ become smaller and this, more than anything else is what I'm ashamed of... "

It made me proud to know he was so miserable he wanted to die even though I didn't physically harm him, or her . I was learning to instinctually know what a person was most fearful of and then providing it. In all honesty I must admit that I was not quite as successful with her, she's still alive although she does go in and out of drug rehabilitation a lot, but after all I was still learning. The only negative aspect of this incident is that it made me think about my own high school days and I didn't like that much.

As a kid I was unhappy , intensely shy and never able to fit in. When I entered high school on my 11'th birthday I had the smallest cock in the school and the youngest , as was apparent to everyone on a daily basis during gym class. Four years later, after puberty, things had changed dramatically physically but I still didn't fit in and felt even more uncomfortable naked. Now I felt awkward , misshapen, freakish and wicked. When other boys would see me in the shower for the first time I could see a look of surprise and guilty fascination on their face, they would then quickly turn away and desperately try to put on a appearance of nonchalance . I thought I recognized similar behavior in myself when I saw some horribly deformed cripple on the street. I wished gym wasn't mandatory so I wouldn't have to get naked in public. You may think I reacted strangely to this and I did but my parents were puritanical and religious to the point of fanaticism and beyond. It was drilled into me from an early age that sex was sinful, something to be ashamed of, one of the distasteful parts of life that must be endured like diarrhea. Sex was tolerated by God only in marriage to have children and even then care must be taken to ensure you don't enjoy yourself too much. When I was 12 I had my first wet dream ,I was confused and frightened by it so I foolishly asked my father about it. Father explained that what had happened to me was perfectly normal for a Godless follower of Satin, such as myself. He explained that I deserved to be tortured for all eternity by a loving God. He then gave me a morality lesson with a baseball bat and broke my leg . He told me it was penance for my sin, I told people I fell down the stairs.

I hated jerking off, I thought God was watching and would punish me dreadfully , but no matter how hard I tried I could not stop. I promised myself that I wouldn't jerk off more than 3 times a day but even this proved totally unrealistic . It took all my courage just to talk to a girl, anything more was pure fantasy. Fantasy was also sinful. When I graduated I was still a virgin.

I always did well in school ,especially in math ,so several universities offered full scholarships. My parents wanted me to go to a religious college in town but I insisted on Harvard , mainly because it was a thousand miles away . I was a lot happier in collage, the further I got from the malignant influence of my parents the happier I was. Some people get depressed when they lose their faith but when I realized they could take religion and shove it up God's asshole, sideways, I became liberated. About this time I had my first sexual experience, the details are not your concern.