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Be Careful What You Wish For 2
All stories on this web site are purely FICTIONAL. The people depicted within these stories only exist in someone's IMAGINATION. Any resemblence between anyone depicted in these stories and any real person, living or dead, is an incredible COINCIDENCE too bizarre to be believed. If you think that you or someone you know is depicted in one of these stories it's only because you're a twisted perverted little fucker who sees conspiracies and plots where none exist. You probably suspect that your own MOTHER had sex with ALIENS and COWS and stuff. Well, she didn't. It's all in your head. Now take your tranquilizers and RELAX.
Well, the short form is this: it's not going to happen. Basically my Mistress
and I have reached a sort of impasse, so to speak. What I have learned, what
*we* have learned, is that my fears and inclinations about what was "wrong"
with my fantasy were right all along. I was going along with a fantasy that
had gotten buried deep in my psyche, that I had helped to implant and keep
there, but it was not just "only" a fantasy, it wasn't at all what I wanted.
I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. Not because I enjoyed the touch or
sight of a male (I didn't and don't), or because I enjoyed anal or oral
penetration (although it got adrenalin pumping, it was never genuinely
enjoyable in any sense), or because I wanted to feel like a woman (well, this
part may be true, but it was a negative desire; I felt guilty and ashamed about
being male and wanted to "endure" what women went through). It was because
I felt I *had* to do things like this in order to get what I really wanted:
the attention and affection of my Mistress.
Mistress seriously wanted to go through with enacting it, she was really gungho
about it. Not only did the idea of making me be with men turn her on (it's the
reason we got on so well in the first place I guess), she really thought that
it was what most people (here and elsewhere) assumed it to be: a latent
suppressed fantasy that needed to be acted out. She went so far as to put a
personal ad for me in the local paper that was answered by well over twenty
guys! She considered the prospect of a real "gang bang" to be the way to go,
either to "get it out of my system", live it as I had fantasized it and get
it "over with", or to learn for sure one way or the other whether I liked it
and wanted to pursue it. Naturally, the fact that she wanted this for me
turned me on immensely, and I was excited about going through with it (though
obviously scared shitless, too). However, it was during a session of play
involving her and a (female) friend of hers that "truth" came out.
What we learned was that I didn't find the real torture and rough play exciting
at all, and I certainly got nothing out of being fucked by her friend with a
snap-on tool (though I suppose I should have). What turned me on had nothing
to do with actual scene play. What I liked was hearing about it. What I liked
was having someone to adore who WANTED me to do things like this for her.
Knowing that she wanted me, that she wanted to do these things to me. The
knowledge that *all* I liked was hearing about it and that I didn't really want
to go through with it deep down was painful to me, in that the last thing I
wanted was to be a total fake about all this. I seemed to NEED to know that
she REALLY wanted these things (as opposed to talking about it and going
through it as a "favor" to me), because thinking otherwise (that it wasn't
genuine) killed it for me. But the last thing I wanted to be was a fake, a
poseur, an out and out liar with respect to my desires and my expression of
them to her. So I felt I *had* to go through with it all, ALL the things I
really didn't like, in order to prove to her (and to me) that I wasn't a FAKE.
In order to convince myself that I wasn't just a poseur hetboy using someone
to get off. And that probably sums up a lot of my prior history in the scene
as well. Feeling so unworthy that I need to give in to things I really don't
want in order to have someone allow me to adore her. (Gee, that's what I'd
thought submissiveness was really all about...)
Someone here mentioned the importance of ritual in enacting fantasies of this
nature, and I never really understood it until now. I figured this out in
talking it over with a friend: what I *want* is the affection that I hope to
get afterwards, but I dislike going through "all that pain stuff" to get it,
and yet I feel I have to, or I should. I mused, wouldn't it be nice if I could
just eliminate the "middleman" and get right to what (hopefully) comes after.
Then it hit me: I can't. I *need* to "go through" something in order to
accept the genuineness, intensity, etc. of what I hope comes after. Someone
just offering me affection and tenderness is "OK", but it isn't the same as
affection received after being a "good boy/girl" and enduring what Mistress
wants. The trouble is twofold. First, I freak at having to go through things
that I don't find satisfying and that I *do* find sometimes downright annoying
or distasteful or even painful (I still haven't figured out what the "good
pain" is yet). Second, especially when going through things I really don't
want, I find myself wondering IF there will BE any post-scene affection.
Unfortunately, my experience has been that there hasn't, and naturally that
leads to serious anxieties.
Is it OK ("emotionally healthy" is the phrase I've seen around here lately) to
be this way, to think that I NEED to submit to someone's desires for me that I
really don't want in order to gain her affection and attention, in order to
be able to adore her? I'm pretty sure that opportunity has passed me by here.
Between my confusion, my upsetness over all this, and the jealousy that reared
its ugly head more than once, there is no way this woman wants to think of me
in that way anymore, and there is no way she wants ME to think of HER in that
way anymore. She even hinted that it is basically time for me to go out and
find a "nice girl", someone more "in my league", and stop pretending. I wonder
if I can.
Part of me has this sense of perverted gloating, almost saying "I told you so"
to those who tried to convince me to just accept my desires, desires I kept
wanting not to accept. I know I'd asked Mistress many times before whether or
not she thought this was right for me, but I guess she was convinced (as was I,
I guess) that I was asking this just to hear her say "yes, it's right for you".
But deep down I have nothing to gloat about. I am stuck, stuck being a voyeur
(or auyeur) who likes hearing about what will be done to him without really
having it done, yet needing to feel that the other person REALLY wants to do
those things, making me nothing but a tease in the worst sense of the word. I
feel illegitimate.
Those of you out there who have either come to accept your inclinations and
live with them, making peace with yourselves and your sexuality: have you been
where I am now? Am I really "into" all of this despite my "not liking it",
just needing to get myself trained and acclimated to accept and (god forbid)
enjoy it all? Is it a matter of learning to enjoy things I don't like? Is it
a matter of my not liking things because I'm suppressing a latent desire, or
is it a matter of my not liking them because I just don't like them, though I
want what I hope comes after so badly that I do what I don't want anyway? Is
*that* (as I always believed) what submissiveness is all about, or is it
something else, something that needs to be worked on?
I guess I've also learned something else about myself: that I have resigned
myself to a lot of things in life, that my motivation level has always been
low, and that I find it well nigh impossible to GET myself to work for
anything. When I look at someone I'm attracted to, my reaction is not one of
wanting to be with her, but rather "oh, that's nice, she's pretty, better stop
thinking about it before you get worked up and upset". Learning to be
genuinely submissive, accepting that role and enjoying it, would be something
difficult, something I'd find it hard to motivate myself to do. But then
again, so is being "normal", so is being your typical hetero male with a female
lover he sought and found in some normal heterosexual way (whatever that is).
It is just as difficult, just as intimidating, and just as unlikely to occur.
My Mistress' friend offhandedly said to me "You're not looking for a Mistress
to be submissive to, you're looking for a Mistress to tell you what to do, to
motivate you, to be your life inspiration etc." I was in shock; somebody
FINALLY understood where I was coming from...
That was a mouthful.
Thanks all, Ratch
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