101 Uses for a Dead Diaphragm
by Ophelia76
All stories on this web site are purely FICTIONAL. The people depicted within these stories only exist in someone's IMAGINATION. Any resemblence between anyone depicted in these stories and any real person, living or dead, is an incredible COINCIDENCE too bizarre to be believed. If you think that you or someone you know is depicted in one of these stories it's only because you're a twisted perverted little fucker who sees conspiracies and plots where none exist. You probably suspect that your own MOTHER had sex with ALIENS and COWS and stuff. Well, she didn't. It's all in your head. Now take your tranquilizers and RELAX.
I am a married woman in my mid 30's. Several weeks ago, I had a slightly
abnormal PAP test. My doctor told me to stop using my cervical cap, which
rests directly on the cervix, and choose another method of birth control.
(I am supposed to get retested in two months.)
I decided to try using a diaphragm instead. When my doctor fitted me, she
was surprised that the size that seemed to fit me best was so large. In
fact... it was the LARGEST that was made. Usually used by women who had had
KIDS (I only have a cat)!
But... the first time I tried it on at home in the heat of the moment, of
course the damn thing was TOO DAMN BIG. I won't bore you with the
details. I tried it again during a calmer moment, and no go. I mean... the
thing cost $35.
So... I called the doctor and I have to get refitted. But... paying all that
money for something I never really used bothers me. Plus, as you may know,
it is ecologically better to reuse things than throw them away. In that
spirit, my friends and I have come up with other uses for this huge
diaphragm I can't wear. (For those of you who haven't actually SEEN a
diaphragm, it's round, about three and a half inches in diameter, and made
of latex. )
For example:
Sew up the edges and use it as a change purse.
Give it to a group of midgets with palsy to use as a safe frisbee
A yarmukle for Jewish infants who spit up a lot
Send it to the women down in Texas
Stick a pinhole in it and send it to Marilyn Quayle
Sneeze guard for baby bottles
Overshoes for baby elephants
Knee protectors for young skaters
Adjustable mutes for trombones
Line with foil and use as unbreakable, flexible pocket mirror
Toss your old coasters in the trash! You won't need them any more with
the new SteinGuard (TM) the Coaster That Stays Attached to Your
Beer Mug!
Source of endless amusement for NET subscribers with too much time Handy
dish for holding flesh removed in nasal operations
Collection plate for very small (or poor) churches
Cat beret
A cap to seal open beverage cans and half full tumblers
Paint it and use it as window decoration
Add a pole and use it for a beach umbrella for mice
Hi frequency radio receiver dish
Poke a pencil though it and sell it as a top (for $9.95)
Poke sapling through it and use as an ant shield
Pack it away with some rubber cement: voila! Rubber Raft Repair Kit!
Snow saucer for mice
Cup trivet
An earring for Boy George
Half a set of pasties
Reusable liner for petrie culture dishes
Poke holes in it, place in front of a light source and use it to project
star patterns
Replacement pad for electronic drum heads
Decorative pendulum cover (paint it with your own patterns)
Serving appliance for cupcakes and dinner rolls
Helpful grip for opening those stubborn jar lids
Golfer's driving target/ball return
Golfer's cheat: seal the hole just below the rim
Poke candle through it: wax guard
Circle template
Mute/spit guard for microphones
Wading pool for ants
Sound membrane for a really big kazoo
Matte material for a framed picture of Newt
Lens filter for Rush Limbaugh camera crews
A trampoline for gerbals
As a pair, with a small rubber ball, a new beach badminton game
An emergency parachute for any member of the Republican party
An inner thigh exercise device to rival Suzanne Summer's success
A sort of but not quite safe sex audio visual screen
A heavy duty oral sex dental dam
A target for circle jerks
(thanks to my my equally warped friends)
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