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Nurse Jones on the religious right
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage
From: [email protected]
Subject: Nurse Jones dons her gay apparel...
>From Nurse Jones,
Does anyone *else* get notes from the religious right?
I got e'ed recently by someone who (a) wanted to save me and (b)
said I should be ashamed of myself. He went on for two pages. He
tells me that I'm going to burn in hell and I'm a harlot (Silly
me. I thought that was where you parked your har.)
After completely neglecting to explain how he came to be reading
ASB and how he got a copy of The List in the first place, he
warned me that my...
> promiscuous ways will lead you [meaning me] down a one way path
First of all, bub, I'm only promiscuous with Jay. And Neets. It's
like this: I feel very lucky to be in a very small club.
Membership, four. I'm an intensely *loyal* member of that club.
We may not have vows, but I've never broken them.
I guess what I'm saying is this: You can't measure monogamy by
taking a head count. It's true measure is loyalty -- to as many
as the heart can honestly encompass.
So I'm *twice* as monogamous as most people. Virtue is such an
interesting concept...
Besides, what with the safe sex situation and all -- even if I were
interested -- I'd be afraid to step outside the bounds of
monogamy. I've even considered giving up diddling in case I give
myself something. I figure I'll just be friends with myself until
they find a cure for everything.
So my generalized fear of life has been promoted to the status of
a virtue.
I suspect that's how a lot of religions get started.
Then after explaining HIV to someone who comes home smelling like
clorox and latex gloves four days a week, Mr. Hyperbaptist points
out that...
> an hour of
> pleasure is simply not worth a lifetime of regret.
I take your point. Really. But (just out of curiosity mind you)
how do you make it last an hour?
Still, I have to admit that as a lapsed Unitarian, I'm tired of
vague wimpy religions that never let you know where you stand. I
actually *prefer* religions that have a definite point of view.
Catholocism for example. Now *there's* a proper religion. You get
your mortal sin, your blasphemy, plus there's circumcision,
breast feeding, incense, idolatry, gluttony, piercing,
crucifixion, a stunning selection of martyrdoms to choose from....
It's just not fair. I'm self-taught in all these areas. I've had
to make my *own* way in the world.
I mean, really. At a proper Catholic communion you get to drink
blood. I wonder: when they were making up Catholocism did they
give much thought to how that part would sound to the other
religions? Drinking blood? Simulated, I know, but it's the
thought that counts.
I wonder what would happen if it all became literally true and
the ritual actually started converting the wine into *real* blood
every Sunday? What would people do? Seems to me transsubstantiation
is one of those miracles you can only take seriously if you don't
believe it.
Drinking blood. Boy, did I miss out. I'm not making fun of
anyone's religion here, you know. I really think it's a great
ritual. Possibly the best. The Catholics don't mess around. Try
and get through a whole incarnation without drinking blood and
you go straight to hell and burn in agony for all of eternity.
Yessiree, you know exactly where you stand.
But Unitarians? What a wimpy religion. For communion you get
salad bar.
And I understand some teetotaling religions use Cool-Aid instead
of wine. I wonder if the minister feels a little silly when he
reads the mixing directions on the little package with the
smileyface on the pitcher. Cool-Aid? Blood of Christ? I mean,
really: isn't that just a little disrespectful?
I suppose I'm offending some people. It probably qualifies as
blasphemy in some religions to suggest that there might be a
cognitive discontinuity between pre-sweetened Cool-Aid and the
cosmic bodily fluids of the Ultimate Creator of the Universe.
I wonder. I expect those same people could remain untouched by
the sight of Deborah Kerr and Charlton Heston in "The 10
Commandments":
"Oh Moses, you mad, impetuous fool..." (kiss)
Or Loretta Young to Richard the Lionheart in "The Crusades":
"Oh Richard! You just gotta save Christianity! You gotta!"
I'm telling you, I was moved to tears by those scenes.
I'd better stop typing or I'll get in real trouble.
I suppose I'm feeling a bit cynical in the general area of
Christmas Cheer this year, what with having to work right through
Christmas day and then come home to the annual Trial By Inlaws.
Plus my angelfood cake that I baked in the shape of an
enormous... well... angelfood cake... collapsed and came out in
the shape of an enormous angelfood pie. I cut it into croutons in
the hopes I could salvage some of it. My mother-in-law wanted to
know what the chewy sweet things were. She's incredibly polite.
Even Jay's pre-Christmas gift of a mistletoe belt buckle didn't
cheer me up for more than ... um ... an hour or so.
My theory is that if I were something a little more well-defined
than a lapsed Unitarian, then I might be ableto listen to The
Little Drummer Boy without flying into a rage and practically
breaking a toe on our defective bathroom scale. Do any of you
electronics whizzes know what would cause a digital scale to go
bad gradually? Jay says he can't find anything wrong with it.
Maybe the floor's not level or something.
Anyway, I think I could enjoy the holiday season with a little
more conviction if I joined a better religion. I figure one where
you drink blood would be a good start.
I suppose if I tried to convert to Catholocism they'd want a
better reason...
Nurse Jones,
Well it may be a sin,
but at least it's original.
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