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Simpson's episode guide
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"THE SIMPSONS" EPISODE GUIDE: SEASON FIVE
(as of May 19, 1994)
This is the episode guide to the fifth season of "The
Simpsons". The structure of this guide is the same as
the guides for prior seasons: episodes are listed in
order of original airdate; the listing includes Fox
production codes, episode titles (which are rarely
broadcast), what Bart writes on the blackboard and what
happens on the couch, as well as a summary of the major
developments in the story. (Thanks to Bill Oakley for
titles and codes)
1. Sep 30 1993 9F21 Homer's Barbershop Quartet
*SEASON PREMIERE*
Board: I will never win an Emmy.
Couch: Take 1 -- they crash into each other and fall
to pieces. Take 2 -- they crash together and become
jumbled up. Take 3 -- they crash into each other and
explode.
The family is enjoying themselves at the Springfield
Swap Meet. Moe is selling oysters made to look like
Lucille Ball; Flanders is selling Bible trading cards;
Marge is selling her old paintings, among other things.
Bart goes through some record albums and finds one
called MEET THE BE SHARPS (which looks like MEET THE
BEATLES) -- with Homer on the cover! Yes, it's true;
Homer was once part of a hot barbershop quartet. It
started in Moe's Cavern in 1985 with Homer, Skinner,
Apu, and Chief Wiggum. Their singing was well
received, and it attracted the attention of Nigel, who
would become their manager. Before he would take them,
they had to get rid of Wiggum, which they did. After
an agonizing audition process, they find their
replacement on the men's room floor -- Barney! There
was opposition to him at first, but he quickly won the
hearts of the crowd. Girls start to scream in
adoration. It's after this concert that Apu suggests
the name "Be Sharps". What about new songs? No
problem; Homer writes a tune called "Baby On Board"
(after those little signs in car windows). It's a
smash success. The song gets a lot of radio play, and
the group flies to New York to perform at the Statue of
Liberty Centennial (with a famous press conference at
JFK). Things seem to be going great for the group,
which wins a Grammy (presented by David Crosby
[himself]. At the party afterwards, Homer meets George
Harrison (himself), but he's more interested in the
brownies. But Homer isn't satisfied; he misses his
family (which he's keeping a secret at their manager's
request) and becomes disillusioned with the business.
Things deteriorate from there: their next album,
BIGGER THAN JESUS (picture the Abbey Road cover, but on
water) flops; Barney takes up with a Yoko Ono clone and
starts writing "songs" like "Burp No. 8"; and Homer's
new songs lack the spark of his early work. They agree
it's time to call it quits and return to their old
jobs. After telling the story, Homer gets nostalgic
for the old days and calls up the guys. They reunite
for a rooftop performance at Moe's. "It's been done",
says George Harrison; "tear gas'em", says Chief Wiggum.
And at the very end, Homer gets to repeat the famous
John Lennon line about passing the audition.
2. Oct 7 1993 9F22 Cape Feare by TBD
Board: The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
Couch: The big production number from season 4.
The story opens with Bart and Lisa watching UP LATE
WITH MCBAIN, the cartoon equivalent of the Chevy Chase
Show ("Fox has hit a new low", says Lisa). Mail call
-- Lisa gets a letter from her penpal in a foreign land
where the government has been overthrown, while Bart
gets a letter which reads "I'm going to kill you",
written in blood. Naturally, Bart is very disturbed by
this. He can't even enjoy the latest Itchy & Scratchy,
"Spay Anything". The threatening notes continue to
arrive, and the family is concerned. Bart has no idea
who would want to kill him. Not any of the kids at
school; they just want to razz him. He starts to see
everyone as a threat, even neighbor "Freddie Krueger"
Flanders. Lisa suspects Moe, for years the victim of
Bart's crank phone calls. She calls Moe and threatens
to tell; he gets nervous and decides to give up his
panda smuggling operation. But who's been making the
threats? Sideshow Bob (voiced by Kelsey Grammer).
Remember, Bart has put him in jail twice, and he wants
revenge. At his parole board hearing, he plays
innocent and says he wouldn't harm Bart. The tattoo on
his chest which reads "Die Bart, Die"? Merely German
for "The Bart, The". The parole board accepts this and
paroles Bob. He meets up with the family at a movie
theater, where he threatens to stay away from them
forever (yes, that's right, he screwed up). But he
doesn't stay away. Finally, the family decides to
enroll in the FBI's Witness Protection Program. The
Simpsons of Springfield will now be known as the
Thompsons of Terror Lake. With a new convertible and
trailer, they leave their house and head for their new
houseboat on Terror Lake. Unfortunately, they forgot
to tell Grandpa S. they were leaving, and they also
forgot to give him his pills. After seeing a parody of
the opening sequence, we find the "Thompsons" enjoying
their new motorboat. Unbeknownst to them, Sideshow Bob
was hiding underneath the car the whole time. He now
proceeds to make Bart's life miserable. Usually,
though, he ends up making himself miserable: he gets
clobbered by rakes which he steps on; he gets trampled
by a parade of elephants; etc. One night, though, he
sneaks on board, cuts the boat loose from the dock, and
ties up everyone except Bart, whom he confronts with a
knife. Bart escapes, but he can't flee; the river is
filled with alligators and electric eels. He's caught
by Bob, and the end is near. Any last requests? Yes,
says Bart; would Bob please sing the complete score of
"H.M.S. Pinafore"? Bob does so gladly -- and during
his performance, the boat drifts downstream towards
Springfield. Finally, Bob's finished -- and soon, it
looks like Bart will be, too! But the boat runs
aground near a brothel. And Chief Wiggum and the
entire police force are there to arrest Bob and send
him back to prison. No more hiding out, it's back home
for our heroes. There's just one problem; without his
pills, Grandpa S. has turned into GRANDMA S.
3. Oct 14 1993 1F02 Homer Goes to College by Conan
O'Brien (the guy who took over for Letterman)
Board: Did not appear in US.
Couch: All make it, but couch is squished by Monty
Python foot.
It's nap time at the Power Plant; everybody's asleep,
even Homer, Burns, and Smithers. Suddenly, a surprise
inspection team from the NRC arrrives. They're here to
run worker competency tests. Burns has no choice but
to comply; however, he hides his least effective
workers (including Homer) in the basement during the
tests. After an unfortunate incident with some bees,
Homer is forced out of hiding and is made to take the
test. He doesn't do very well on the test; in fact, he
causes the reactor simulator to melt down! The NRC
team is not happy at all. Homer lacks the necessary
college degree, they say. Burns' bribery attempts
fail, so he tells Homer to go to college.
Unfortunately, all the colleges to which Homer applies
reject him. So Burns uses his considerable clout to
get him into Springfield University. When Homer
arrives on campus, he finds it's not what he expected:
there's no party atmosphere, and the dean is pretty
cool (he used to play bass with the Pretenders).
Homer's not very interested in his Nuclear Physics 101
class; he thinks he knows more than the professor,
based on his years of power plant experience. The
class learns the truth after Homer causes an accident
with the proton accelerator. The dean thinks Homer
needs some tutoring, so he recommends 3 bright physics
majors. They turn out to be super-nerds (although they
do like Monty Python). After a while, Homer decides to
treat them to the rowdier side of college life -- beer
blasts, pranks on neighboring colleges, that sort of
thing. The prank involves stealing Springfield A&M's
mascot pig, Sir Oinks-A-Lot. After the pig takes ill,
the prank is discovered. Homer is not caught, but the
nerds are; thanks to intervention from Richard Nixon
(an old friend of the pig), they are expelled! Homer
lets them stay at his house for a while, but they
quickly wear out their welcome. Why, they even unplug
the TV during a crucial scene of "Itchy & Scratchy"!
How to get the nerds out of the house? Get them back
into college, that's how. Homer arranges for them to
save the life of the dean; unfortunately, the scheme
backfires, and the dean ends up in the hospital, where
Homer confesses his part in everything. The dean is
very forgiving and allows the nerds back into school.
It's now exam time, and Homer is put through a major
cram session. It does no good, though; he gets an F.
The nerds are able to change the grade to an A+, but
Marge makes Homer promise to repeat the class next
term.
4. Oct 22 1993 1F01 Rosebud (by John Swartzwelder)
Board: Did not appear in US.
Couch: They meet themselves already on the couch.
It's nighttime at Burns Manor, and Burns is having a
nightmare. He's dreaming about his childhood, when he
left his mother and father to live with a heartless
billionaire, leaving his teddy bear Bobo behind in the
process (shades of CITIZEN KANE). Smithers overhears
Burns muttering "Bobo - Bobo", but Burns said he was
actually dreaming of Sheriff Lobo (an old TV show from
the 70's). Homer WAS dreaming about Sheriff Lobo, but
the real nightmare comes when he wakes up: it's Burns's
birthday! What horrible party duty will Homer be asked
to perform this year? Stand-up comedy, that's what!
Homer decides to write a routine that really rakes
Burns over the coals; Bart likes it, but Marge and Lisa
think it goes too far. At the party (no one-term
presidents allowed), it turns out that the girls were
right. Homer's routine (capped by a moon shot) is an
utter failure, and Burns declares the party over and
throws everyone out. Later on, we find him still
troubled by Bobo. He finally comes clean to Smithers
about Bobo, and they start an intensive search to find
the bear. And where is it? After a long and tortuous
journey (Lindburgh, Hitler, the North Pole), the bear
ends up in a bag of ice bought by Bart. He gives the
bear to Maggie, who really enjoys it. After a while,
the family realizes that Maggie's new bear is indeed
Bobo. Naturally, they want a big reward. And Burns is
about to give them that reward when Maggie objects. She
won't give up that bear! Her tears cause Homer to kill
the deal. Burns doesn't care for this, and he and
Smithers plan to recover (i.e., steal) the bear.
However, their attempts are dismal failures, so onto
plan B: take over all the TV channels and declare a
beer embargo until the bear is returned. It's touch
and go for Homer and family when an angry mob bursts in
to grab the bear, but Maggie's tears save the day when
they quiet the mob, who give the bear back. Burns and
Smithers are forced to beg for the bear. Finally, it's
Maggie and Burns, one-on-one. She wins, and he admits
defeat. But she has sympathy for him and decides to
give him the bear. Now that he's got Bobo back, he
wonders what the future will hold. Flash forward to 1
million AD, when a robotic Burns recovers the bear from
intelligent apes (who have enslaved humans that look
suspiciously like Homer).
NOTE: Appearing in tonight's episode were the Ramones,
who played at Burns's party.
5. Oct 28 1993 1F04 Treehouse of Horror IV (The
Simpsons Halloween Special IV)
Board: Never appears in a Halloween
episode
Tombstones: Elvis-Accept It, A Balanced Budget,
Subtle Political Satire, TV Violence (stone is shot up
and bleeds)
Couch: Family rises from the floor/grave
like zombie.
WRAPAROUND THEME by Conan "12:30 NBC" O'Brien: Bart
Simpson's Night Gallery, with Bart taking the Rod
Serling part. We see several parodies of famous
paintings, including one (Poker Playing Dogs) that
drives Homer mad. In one sequence, Bart is holding
Maggie when she sticks her pacifier in his mouth. He
doesn't care for that at all.
THE DEVIL AND HOMER SIMPSON by Greg Daniels & Dan
McGrath: Homer is having daydreams at work, dreams of
fashion shows and donuts. Mmm -- donuts. But there
aren't any more! Distraught, he runs to his emergency
procedures manual and emergency donut repository. But
that's empty, too. Homer is desperate; he says he's
willing to sell his soul to the Devil for a donut. And
guess who pops in? That's right, the Devil, who
happens to look like Ned Flanders. He has a
proposition for Homer: one donut for your soul. Homer
agrees, signs the deal with flaming pen, and gets a
donut straight from Hell's Kitchen. But after he
discovers that the Devil gets his soul only after he
FINISHES the donut, he refuses to eat one piece. "I'm
smarter than the Devil," sings Homer ("NO YOU'RE NOT"
says the Devil back). Turns out the Devil was right;
that night, Homer raids the icebox and eats the last
piece. It's off to Hell for Homer until Lisa says he
has a right to a trial by jury. Very well, says the
Devil, the trial will be tomorrow at midnight. Until
then, Homer must stay in Hell. Oddly enough, he
thrives on his ironic punishment (continually eating
donuts). Time for the trial. The Simpsons have
retained Lionel Hutz (not a good sign). Hutz foolishly
lets the Devil choose the jury, and what a rogue's
gallery it is: Blackbeard, Benedict Arnold, John
Dillinger, the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia
Flyers hockey team, etc. Hutz realizes he's blown the
case and escapes the house. It's up to Marge to save
Homer, which she does by showing the jury a photo from
their wedding night. On the back, Homer had pledged
his soul to Marge forever. That does it; the jury
rules against the Devil. But before he goes, he says
the donut will forever be on Homer's head. And it is;
his head's now shaped like a donut. If he ever leaves
the house, the police force will rush in and nibble him
to death.
TERROR AT 5 1/2 FEET by Bill Oakley & Josh Weinstein:
Bart has a terrible nightmare about being killed in a
school bus accident where the left rear wheel falls
off. It's shaken him up badly, and he's still out of
sorts as he boards the bus for school. The other kids
won't cut him any slack. Later, Bart looks out the
window and sees this little tiny gremlin clinging to
the side of the bus, starting to rip it apart. He
tries to get Milhouse to see it, but Milhouse refuses.
He goes to see Otto, who does see a Gremlin next to the
bus -- an old AMC Gremlin, that is, which he proceeds
to run off the road. But Bart's gremlin is still
there, still ripping away at the sheet metal and wiring
of the bus. He still can't convince anyone that the
gremlin is there. This goes on and on, and Bart
spirals down into madness. Finally, he's had it: He
takes a flare from Martin's shorts (Jimbo had put 2
there, you know), opens the window (and is nearly
sucked out), and throws the flare at the gremlin. He's
knocked off of the bus and into the road, where
Flanders rescues him. At school, everybody sees the
wrecked bus. Bart was right after all, but he's still
going off to the asylum. Finally, a chance to rest,
says Bart -- until the gremlin reappears, carrying
Flanders's head!
BART SIMPSON'S DRACULA by Bill Canterbury: There have
been several unexplained deaths around Springfield; the
victims have had their blood sucked out of them. The
police, for some stupid reason, think it's the work of
a mummy, but Lisa realizes it's really a vampire. By
the way, Montgomery Burns has just bought the
Springfield Blood Bank; the news story shows him
licking the blood from his finger. The family is
invited to a midnight dinner with Burns in --
PENNSYLVANIA!! He lives in a very spooky castle and
looks just like Gary Oldman in BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA.
He and faithful servant Smithers serve drinks -- blood!
Homer doesn't mind, but Bart and Lisa do; they "spill"
it on themselves and leave to clean it off. They also
do some exploring and find the secret vampire room in
the basement. In the basement are several coffins and
the book YES I AM A VAMPIRE. Suddenly, they are
attacked by vampire zombies! They flee, but Bart can't
resist the temptation of turning the basement stairs
into a super fun slide. He slides back into the hands
of the zombies and Count Burns, who proceeds to bite
Bart. Back at home, Lisa has nightmares. Suddenly,
there's a scratching at the window. It's Bart, and
he's a vampire! And so are all the neighborhood kids,
and they've come for Lisa! Bart almost succeeds, but
Homer comes in at that time and tells him not to bite
his sister. But Bart can't help it, he's a vampire!
The only way to cure him is to drive a stake through
the heart of the head vampire -- Burns! They drive
back to Burns' castle, where Homer drives a stake
through Burns', er -- crotch. The second try is the
charm, though, and Burns withers away and dies. Bart
is cured -- or is he? Grandpa Simpson's a vampire --
and so is everyone else! Turns out Marge was the head
vampire. They move in for the kill -- then they break
character to say "Happy Halloween, Everybody!" and
start humming "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" (just like
in "A Charlie Brown Christmas").
CLOSING THEME: arranged like the ADDAMS FAMILY TV
theme; with the creepy organ rendition of the Gracie
theme.
6. Nov 04 1993 1F03 Marge on the Lam by Bill
Canterbury
Board: Did not appear.
Couch: They crash through the scenery into the great
black beyond.
Our favorite family is sitting on the couch, watching
public TV's pledge drive. They don't get Garrison
Keillor. But that doesn't stop Marge from pledging
$30. As a gift of thanks, she receives two tickets to
the ballet. Strangely, Homer is eager to go to the
ballet -- that is, until he learns it doesn't involve
dancing bears. But he'll go anyway. Later, Homer
decides to reach into a pop machine for a bottle of pop
(he's out of change). Sure enough, he gets his arm
stuck. He drags himself and the machine clear across
the plant to ... the candy machine! And he gets his
arm stuck in there, too! He's not going to make it to
the ballet, he tells Marge on the phone. What does she
do? Goes with next-door neighbor Ruth Powers (voiced
by Pamela Reed), that's what. And they have a good
time. Afterwards, they stop for a coffee. Ruth tells
Marge about her troubles with her ex-husband.
Apparently, he's several months behind on child support
payments. Homer is finally freed from the machines and
goes home, where he apologizes to Marge and presents a
note from the fire department (the note was not
complimentary). Marge and Ruth go out again the next
night; Ruth is driving a hot convertible (more on that
later) and is dressed to kill. "Welcome to the Jungle"
is the theme for the evening -- the Sh*t Kicker's bar,
The Hate Box, target practice (where Marge and Ruth
shoot at a prized antique can collection), and the
Springfield hills. Meanwhile, Homer wants to have some
fun, too, so he gets lawyer Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman)
to babysit the kids. But Homer doesn't have that much
fun, and he eventually ends up in the Springfield
hills, where he meets Chief Wiggum. Wiggum drives
Homer home, but on the way, he decides to pull over a
car for a taillight violation -- the car that Ruth and
Marge are in. Ruth is not pulling over; her hot
convertible really is "hot" -- she stole it from her
husband! It's her revenge for his missing child
support payments. The chase is on! Ruth and Marge
elude Wiggum and Homer for a while. Next morning, Ruth
lets Marge off at the Seething Sisters restaurant so
she can go home. But she's not going home; friends
have to stick together, she says. The chase resumes.
It makes local TV (the kids are impressed). The state
line, and freedom, lie 2 miles ahead. Unfortunately,
so do a whole mess of police cars! Ruth and Marge turn
off the road, unknowingly heading toward the Grand
Chasm and certain death. Homer and Wiggum get close
enough for Homer to use a bullhorn to apologize to
Marge "for the whole marriage until now". She's
touched; they stop their car in time, but Wiggum
doesn't! He and Homer fall -- into a big landfill! At
the end, we get a wrapup of the case a la DRAGNET (and
the SIMPSONS theme arranged like the DRAGNET theme).
7. Nov 11 1993 1F05 Bart's Inner Child (by George
Meyer)
Board: Does not appear yet again.
Couch: Real fat guy takes up the whole couch, but
they somehow squeeze in.
It's another typical breakfast at the Simpson
household: Bart and Homer are both making faces.
While reading the paper, Homer sees an ad for a free
trampoline. This is too much for him to resist; he
immediately gets in the car and rushes across town to
-- Krusty's house! Yes, Krusty is giving away this
trampoline. He's moving away from acrobatics, he says.
Homer gladly takes it and drives home. Visions of
Homerland, his own theme park, dance through his mind.
The centerpiece is the trampoline; soon, all the kids
in town are paying to jump on it. Unfortunately, the
trampoline is not very safe, and many kids are injured
in the process. Now Homer realizes why Krusty got rid
of it, and he tries to bring it back. Krusty, with
shotgun in hand, won't take it back, so Homer throws it
off a cliff. It bounces back up and falls on top of
him, which causes the edge of the cliff to break off
(several hours later). With the trampoline back home,
Homer is at a loss for ideas. Enter Bart with the
perfect idea: put a bicycle lock on it. By the count
of three, Snake is hacking away at the chain.
After the mess with the trampoline, Marge learns the
family sees her as a nag, a spoilsport (clips from past
episodes). Upset, she goes to her sisters' apartment,
where she catches a commercial for self-help guru Brad
Goodman (Albert Brooks, credited as "A. Brooks"). He
promises help for all personality disorders, including
constant nagging. She brings home an infomercial on
tape, which she and Homer watch with rapt attention.
They promise to change their ways. When the kids see
this change, they are naturally perplexed. Later,
Goodman has scheduled an appearance in Springfield.
The family decides to go, figuring they all could use
his "wisdom" and "insight". At Goodman's Inner Child
workshop, Bart heckles Goodman for all he's worth. The
audience likes it, and so does Goodman. Why? Bart is
a perfect example of the ideal Inner Child, he says,
and we all should emulate Bart. Do what you feel like,
he says, and Springfield takes it to heart. For a
while, Bart is on top of the world, but the feeling
wears off. He's confused. His personal revolution
against society has been completely co-opted, and he's
lost his identity. Comes the day of the Do What You
Feel Festival, and everyone's still doing what he/she
feels, including Patty and Selma doing a Lady Godiva
act (uh-uh-uhh-uuuh!) and Skinner harassing Bart.
James Brown (himself) performs at the festival. That
is, until the bandstand collapses. Seems the screws
weren't tight enough. Next, the ferris wheel breaks
from its structure and rolls down the street, crashing
into the zoo, which lets the animals out. Before long,
the festival devolves into total chaos. The philosophy
was a total crock, the people realize, and they turn
their anger on the person responsible -- Bart!
Fortunately Homer rescues him before any damage is
done. The lesson? No quick fixes for personal
problems.
8. Nov 18 1993 1F06 Boy-Scoutz N The Hood (by Dan
McGrath)
Board: Does not appear yet again.
Couch: Eyeballs in darkened room -- eyeballs in
lighted room, followed by the bodies. They all end up
on the couch.
At the video arcade, Bart and Milhouse are having a
good time -- until the money runs out and they're
ejected. They're looking for fun and not finding it.
Meanwhile, Homer is searching for a peanut he dropped
under the couch. He pulls out a $20 bill, but it blows
from his hands, out the window, and across town to land
in front of Bart and Milhouse. And how do they spend
their windfall? On a Super Squishy that's ALL syrup!
That's never been done before; and we soon find out
why. After a few gulps, the boys are on a super sugar
bender. They really paint the town. The next morning,
Bart has a terrific hangover. He can't remember
anything. And he certainly can't remember joining the
Junior Campers. He wants to get out, but Marge thinks
it may be good for him. At school, he discovers one
very good reason to stay in the Campers -- to get out
of a test. He goes to the session to find that Ned
Flanders is Campermaster. Bart doesn't like that, but
he does like getting to use a knife and learning how to
trap game (skills he practices on Homer with great
success). Soon, the Father-Son rafting trip will take
place. Bart and Homer agree to go (though that wasn't
their intention). Going along as a substitute dad for
one boy whose real father's in prison is Ernest
Borgnine (himself). The Simpsons and Flanderses end up
sharing a raft. Their trip down the river turns into a
real adventure when they venture down the wrong fork of
the river and end up lost at sea. Homer does not set a
good example; he wastes the drinking water for washing
his socks, he gobbles most of the food rations, and he
lets a fish get away. Things look bleak for them until
they smell hamburgers. Yes, hamburgers -- turns out
they had drifted next to an offshore oil rig with a
Krusty Burger restaurant. They're saved! And what
happened to the other rafters? They end up at an
abandoned summer camp, where they are attacked during a
campfire sing-along by . . . somebody (the credits
appear).
9. Dec 09 1993 1F07 "The Last Temptation of Homer"
by Frank Mula
Board: All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
Couch: They all make it -- but they're on the LATE
NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN set, and Dave is there!
Bart pulls another prank at school; he repaints all the
spaces in the parking lot so they're one foot narrower.
Naturally, this prevents people from opening their car
doors. Mrs. Krabappel decides to blame Bart for it, so
she makes him the first person to be called on for the
rest of the year. The first question for Bart: read
the word "photosynthesis." While Martin is bursting at
the seams asking to be called on, Bart has trouble
reading the word. It's blurry, he says. Could he have
a vision disorder? More later. Meanwhile, at the
power plant, Homer and the guys are horsing around, and
Homer causes an accident. In their attempt to escape
the dangerous gases, they discover that the emergency
exit was not real; it had been painted on the wall.
When the dangerous emissions supervisor complains to
Burns, he is summarily dispatched via tube to
God-knows-where (but we do: a room with many men
demanding that he dance). Burns attempts to hire an
illegal alien to fill the position, but a raid by the
Labor Department stops that. He is directed to hire a
woman. Meanwhile, Marge has taken Bart to Dr.
Hibbert's new HMO (Hibbert Moneymaking Organization).
It turns out that Bart has lazy eye, for which he has
to wear heavy glasses; a scalp condition, for which he
gets a gooey treatment; bad posture, for which he wears
special shoes; and a throat condition, for which he
receives a spray that temporarily changes his voice.
When he goes to school, the kids all ridicule him for
looking like a nerd. Back at work: Homer and the guys
are introduced to Mindy Simmons (voiced by Michelle
Pfeiffer), their new co-worker. Homer is smitten at
first sight; he sees her as Botticelli's Venus. Later,
he ends up driving backwards on the freeway and
crashing into a trout fishery. He needs advice on what
to do. Barney tells him to strike up a conversation
with her, so he can learn they have nothing in common.
Turns out that Homer and Mindy have a LOT in common --
donuts, drinking beer and watching TV, taking naps
before lunch, etc. Homer is still smitten -- and
during a chance encounter in the elevator, we learn
that Mindy feels the same way toward Homer. Homer goes
home, thinking things will be better. Not true: Marge
has a cold, Bart looks like a nerd, and Lisa is burning
fish sticks in the oven. Temptation is beating Homer
over the head, so he calls up the Marital Stress
Hotline. After learning that Flanders is on the other
end of the line, he panics, tips the phone booth over,
and knocks himself out. Homer dreams that he meets his
guardian angel, who takes the form of Sir Isaac Newton
at first but then changes into Colonel Klink from
"Hogan's Heroes" (voiced by Werner Klemperer). The
angel shows Homer what his life would be like if he
married Mindy instead of Marge. We see Homer and Mindy
playing tennis at their mansion, and we learn that
Marge is the President of the United States! Back to
Bart: he's been getting beat up on a regular basis
lately. One day, he's rescued from another beating by
Martin, who takes him to the nerd's secret hideaway,
where they can safely work on extra-credit assignments.
Back to Homer: he tries to tell Mindy off, but he
fails. Moments later, they learn that they're going to
the National Energy Convention in Capital City, the
Windy Apple. When they get there, they both go wild
over the free mouthwash, shampoo and shower curtain in
their respective (and adjoining) rooms. Then they
decide to do something they really shouldn't do: order
room service. After a tremendous pigout, they both go
for the last footlong chili dog. While eating the chili
dog, they accidentally kiss. Homer's shirt buttons pop
off to reveal a T-shirt of Marge -- and he thinks he
hears her trademark sound of disapproval, so he runs
from the room (it was only the carpet cleaner). Back
to Bart: two weeks have elapsed, so off come the
glasses and shoes. He's a nerd no more, but he still
gets beat up at school. Back to Homer: at the
convention, he and Mindy are named King and Queen of
Energy. The prize: a romantic dinner for 2 at Madame
Chao's. The dinner was excellent (even if it was
cheeseburgers). Homer's fortune reads "you will find
happiness with a new love." Temptation gnaws at him
even more. Back in the hotel room, Homer breaks down
and cries. "We're gonna have sex," he bawls to Mindy.
She wants to have sex (and so does Homer --in a way),
but she tells him he doesn't have to do anything he
doesn't want to do. Cut to a scene where Homer is
looking at a woman in very sexy lingerie. Mindy? No,
it's Marge! She's come up from home to spend the night
with Homie.
10. Dec 16 1993 1F08 "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned
to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) by Bill
Oakley & Josh Weinstein
Board: I will not say "Springfield" just to get
applause.
Couch: They run into each other, shattering to
pieces.
We open on a nostalgic note: an old newsreel showing
how Springfield was booming in the old days. The
streets really were paved with gold back then (really).
But today, Springfield has fallen on hard times.
Unemployment has skyrocketed. The mayor is ready to
skip town with the city treasury. But at a town
meeting, Principal Skinner suggests legalized gambling.
Everyone is in favor of it -- Rev. Lovejoy, Burns, even
Marge. Casino gambling comes to Springfield! Burns
will build it along Springfield's boardwalk, the site
of a VERY amusing childhood memory. Meanwhile, back at
the Simpson's, Lisa asks Marge to make her a costume
for her class's geography pageant. She'll go as
Florida. Homer is practicing dealing cards to Maggie;
he's to be a blackjack dealer at Mr. Burns' Casino.
Finally, the casino opens, with former boxer Gerry
Cooney (voiced by himself) as official greeter (man,
what a glass jaw). Homer turns out to be a good dealer
-- from the player's perspective, not the house's. We
see magicians Gunter & Ernst and their tiger act, and
we see what happens when one of the tigers gets upset.
We see Bart win on the slot machine, then we see him
ejected from the casino for being underage. The
bouncer dares him to build his own casino -- which he
does, in his treehouse. One day, Marge sees a quarter
on the floor and plays a slot machine. She wins. She
decides to keep on playing. Next thing you know, she's
hooked. She's oblivious to everything but the slot
machine. She doesn't notice when Maggie runs off and
is almost attacked by a tiger. She doesn't buy food or
do dishes for the family -- or make Florida costumes,
for that matter. Meanwhile, Burns is turning into a
parody of Howard Hughes. Back to Marge: she arrives
home one night to find the house a shambles. Homer and
the kids thought the bogeyman was on the loose. If
she'd been home to keep him from going cuckoo, says
Homer, none of this would have happened. She promises
to spend more time with the family, but it's a promise
she doesn't keep. The lure of the slots is too strong.
Homer makes a costume for Lisa; naturally, it's not
very good (but she does win an award for the costumes
with the least involvement from the parents). He's had
enough; Homer goes down to the casino to rescue Marge
from the gambling demon. He can now look down on her
for something. Oh, yes, one more thing: Robert Goulet
(voiced by himself) was supposed to play the casino,
but Bart intercepts him and gets him to play at Bart's
Casino.
11. Jan 07 1994 1F09 Homer the Vigilante (by John
Swartzwelder)
Board: I am not authorized to fire substitute
teachers.
Couch: They run into each other and explode.
It's nighttime at the Simpson household, and everyone
is soundly asleep. Everyone except a cat burglar, that
is. He breaks into the house, distracts the dog (and a
sleepwalking Homer) with some sausages, then proceeds
to steal Lisa's sax, Bart's portable TV, and Marge's
necklace. When everyone wakes up and learns what
happened, they are agitated and disturbed. Turns out
Flanders got robbed, too, and so did Principal Skinner
and Barney. The Springfield Police are hot on the
case, and they live up to their own standards (i.e.,
they botch the investigation). Meanwhile, the
residents panic. Sophisticated security devices are
installed all over town. Even the Kwik-E-Mart refuses
to open; Apu fires at everyone who approaches. Homer
gives Lisa a jug to replace the lost sax, but it
doesn't work. He vows to find and retrieve her sax.
There are calls to form a neighborhood watch group.
Homer goes one step further: he forms a vigilante group
that will patrol the streets. As you can imagine, the
group is somewhat inept. They begin to get carried
away with their own power; they even jump an innocent
man who happens to be playing a sax -- HIS sax. Homer
appears on Smartline, trying to defend the actions of
his group. Suddenly, the cat burglar (voiced by Sam
Neill) calls! He vows to steal the world's largest
cubic zirconia, which is kept at the Springfield
Museum. Homer and company vow to guard the museum from
the cat burglar. Unfortunately, when Homer is
distracted by some underage drinkers, the burglar
strikes! The CZ is gone, and so is Homer's credibility.
He's now the town goat, and he gets pelted with
vegetables by angry neighbors. Later, Grampa Simpson
arrives with some news: he knows who the cat burglar
is! He's discovered that the burglar is named Malloy,
who lives in the retirement home and is a neighbor of
Grampa's. Quickly, Homer, Grampa, and the mob head to
the retirement home and catch Malloy red-handed. He's
a very charming fellow who returns the stolen goods and
almost charms his way out of jail. Wiggum does
something right for a change and locks Malloy up.
Later, Malloy reveals that he's hidden the rest of his
loot underneath a big T. This triggers a massive
treasure hunt, which ends with the discovery of a box.
The box contains a note from Malloy saying that the
story was a ruse to get everyone out of town so that he
could escape. But a few people keep on digging, looking
for something -- anything.
12. Feb 03 1994 1F11 Bart Gets Famous (by Jace
Richdale)
Board: My homework was not stolen by a one-armed
man.
Couch: All crash together, turn into one jumbled
mess.
It's another regular day -- Homer complains about his
horoscope, Bart's whistling is upsetting Marge (he's
whistling the Simpson theme song, by the way). But
there is a difference: Bart's class is going on a field
trip. Lisa's isn't, but that's OK; she's got her
fantasies (including Bart impaled on her Nobel Peace
Prize). Where's Bart's class going? To the box
factory, that's where! Everyone except for Martin and
Principal Skinner are underwhelmed. The plant manager
and tour guide is the most boring person in the world.
Bart can't take it anymore, so he sneaks away and goes
into the Channel 6 studios next door, where he sees the
wonderful world of show business. He grabs a Danish,
unaware that it was Krusty the Klown's Danish. When he
hears Krusty fire his assistant for not bringing the
Danish, Bart swipes Kent Brockman's Danish and gives it
to Krusty. Krusty can't remember Bart from his
previous encounters, but so what? He makes Bart his
new assistant. Meanwhile, back at the Box Factory,
Homer has been called from work because Bart is
missing. They find his hat; Homer thinks Bart's now a
box. Fortunately, he learns the truth when he gets
home. Bart soon learns that being Krusty's assistant
is not at all glamorous. He gets dirty jobs at work;
he's abused by the staff; even the kids don't believe
that he's in the credits. One day, after Sideshow Mel
becomes ill due to eating cheese, Bart decides he's had
enough and decides to quit. Suddenly, Krusty comes
running up. He needs Bart to substitute for Mel in a
sketch. All Bart has to do is say one line and get pies
thrown at him. But when Bart comes in, he runs into
the scenery and makes it all crash down. He says "I
didn't do it." The audience LOVES that line and gives
him a big round of applause. Suddenly, Bart Simpson,
the I Didn't Do It Kid, is the hottest thing in show
business! Everyone laughs at that line. There are
Bart dolls, Bart albums, a Bart-Chat phone line, and
even a quickie Bart bio! Everyone wants him to say The
Line -- even Conan O'Brien (voiced by himself)! And
that's all they want him to say. Bart has a horrible
vision of his future: Match Game 2034, with the head
of Kitty Carlisle! It's too much, so he refuses to go
to work. But Marge talks him out and restores his
confidence. Doesn't do much good, though; The Line is
no longer funny, and Bart's washed up. Now he's a
trivia question. Now he can be himself, not some
one-dimensional character with a funny catch phrase
(Do'h! Ay Carumba! Gr-r-r! Suck-suck! B-U-R-P!
Hi-de-li-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent! and "If anyone wants me,
I'll be in my room.").
13. Feb 10 1994 1F10 Homer Vs. Apu (by Greg Daniels)
Board: I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Couch: All pop up from behind couch except Maggie,
who pops up from cushions.
It's another day at the Kwik-E-Mart, with specials like
a 29-cent stamp for $1.85! While reviewing the stock,
Apu notices some very old ham -- expiration date
February 1989! He removes it from the shelf, marks out
the date, and throws it on the bargain table. Homer
buys the ham, eats it at home, and ends up in the
hospital. Naturally, he's mad at Apu, who "apologizes"
by giving him 10 pounds of "frozen" shrimp. That makes
him sick again. While watching "Bite Back with Kent
Brockman", a consumer advocate show, Homer decides to
report on Apu. He is outfitted with a hidden camera
and goes in the store. When Apu tells him that his hat
is making noises like a bee, Homer throws the hat down
and smashes it (and the hidden camera inside of it).
Turns out Homer didn't damage it too badly, as it
caught Apu picking up a hot dog from the floor and
returning it to stock. Caught red-handed! Kwik-E-Mart
headquarters is not pleased, so they fire Apu.
Depressed, Apu wanders aimlessly until arriving at
Homer's house. He decides to apologize for what he's
done. Unfortunately, the gesture of apology looks like
an attack, so Homer is terrified. Once everything is
straightened out, Apu makes himself very useful around
the house. He rakes the leaves; he prepares dinner ("I
can see through time", says Lisa); he even provides
Homer's towel after showering. But he can't bring
himself to go back to the Kwik-E-Mart, which is now
being run by James Woods (voiced by himself), who's
researching his next film role. One day, Marge and Apu
go to the MonstroMart, where they are caught in a tidal
wave of cranberry juice. Yessir, Apu's almost one of
the family. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart anymore, he
sings. He does; deep down, he wants his job back. He
decides to travel to Headquarters in India to appeal
his firing to the CEO, and Homer decides to go with
him. The journey is long and arduous, but they finally
reach their goal: the first Kwik-E-Mart ever, perched
high on a mountaintop. Once inside, the CEO permits
them to ask 3 questions. Homer stupidly uses them all
up, so Apu never gets to appeal his case. He's mad at
Homer, but upon returning home, he resigns himself to
his fate and returns to the Mart for the first time.
He and Woods are talking shop when a robber intrudes.
He shoots at Woods, but Apu takes the bullet.
Fortunately, Apu is not seriously wounded. A grateful
Woods gets Apu his job back. Happy ending and big hug
-- make that TWO big hugs.
14. Feb 17 1994 1F12 Lisa Vs. Malibu Stacy (by Bill
Oakley & Josh Weinstein)
Board: Did not appear in US.
Couch: All make it, but they are crushed by a Monty
Python foot.
We open at the dedication of the Center for Geriatric
Medicine, where "Matlock" makes a special appearance
and causes a mob scene. Grampa thinks his time left is
short, so he decides to give the family their
inheritance before he dies, so he can see them enjoy
it. Lisa gets his personal correspondence, and they
all receive a collection of rare silver dollars, which
immediately get spent at the toy store. Maggie's an
expert at Etch-A-Sketch; Homer breaks the keyboard on
the floor; and Lisa buys a new, talking Malibu Stacy.
When they get home, Grampa complains about being
ignored. After seeing an add for Buzz Cola, he decides
to think young and act young. Meanwhile, Lisa plays
with her new doll. As she prepares to address the UN
General Assembly, she says "I wish they taught shopping
in school." Lisa's not very happy after she discovers
everything the doll says is sexist. But how to
complain? She decides to take the factory tour and
voice her complaints in person. Unfortunately, they
fall on deaf ears. However, we do learn that Stacy
Lavelle (voiced by Kathleen Turner) invented Malibu
Stacy some 30-odd years ago and that Wayland Smithers
(yes, Burns's assistant) has the world's largest Malibu
Stacy collection. Lisa will not give up. She goes to
Smithers, who gives her Lavelle's address. She is a
noted recluse who lives in Recluse Ranch Estates. When
Lisa arrives, she makes the doll speak and is instantly
allowed inside. Lavelle is upset about the doll, but
she can't do anything about it; she was forced out of
the company in 1974 (something about funneling funds to
the Viet Cong). Lisa persuades her to invent a new
doll, a doll that'll serve as an excellent example to
the girls of America! And that doll is -- Lisa
Lionheart (with the voice of Lisa Simpson). The makers
of Malibu Stacy vow to put Lisa Lionheart out of
business. They sabotage the debut by introducing a
"new" Malibu Stacy -- with a "new" hat! The trick
works; the Lisa Lionheart dolls go unsold -- except for
one. That one sale could make a difference. As the
episode ends, Homer's playing on the floor keyboard
again -- and he's playing the "Simpsons" theme!
SECOND PLOT: Grampa gets a job at Krusty Burger, but
he has a rough time. He doesn't care for taking
complaints; he wants to give them out! He's old enough
to do that, he figures, so he quits his job.
15. Feb 24 1994 1F13 Deep Space Homer (by David
Mirkin)
Board: Does not appear in US.
Couch: Big fat guy takes up most of couch, but they
somehow squeeze in.
It's time for the power plant's Worker of the Week
award. Everyone has won except for Homer, who figures
it's his turn today. Imagine his shock when Burns
gives the award to an inanimate carbon rod! And he
isn't getting much respect at home, either; witness how
everyone laughs as he tries to see what Bart wrote on
his head ("Insert Brain Here"). Later, Homer flips
through the channels on TV. As he tries to change the
channel from a report on an upcoming space shot, the
batteries fall out of the remote. Bart arrives and
pulls the plug on the TV. Still later, Homer calls
NASA to complain about boring space shots and the
general unavailability of Tang. At that very moment,
top NASA officials were discussing plans to get higher
ratings for missions by sending up a blue-collar slob,
and Homer fits the bill. When they visit Moe's bar,
Homer denies making the call, saying that Barney made
it. As soon as he learns the purpose for their visit,
he claims responsibility. So they take both of them.
It's off to Florida for astronaut training. The press
corps is not impressed by either Homer or Barney. As
the training progresses, we see how well Barney's
doing. Giving up beer has worked wonders. Even the
other astronauts on the program, Race Banyon and Buzz
Aldrin (voiced by himself) are impressed with Barney.
Barney is selected to go on the mission, but he reverts
to his old self after drinking the celebratory
champagne (non-alcoholic, yet). Homer gets to go by
default. Finally, the big day arrives -- Launch Day!
But Homer freaks out and runs off. Does he really want
to go through with the mission? Yes he does, after
Marge tells him to go for it. Back to the Cape:
blastoff is a success. Homer has smuggled aboard a bag
of potato chips. When he opens the bag, it bursts,
sending chips all over the spacecraft. Not to worry,
though; Homer cleans up the mess by rendezvousing with
each chip and eating it. Finally, he eats the last
chip -- and smashes the experimental ant colony! Ants
are all over the spacecraft, causing short circuits and
general irritation. Back on Earth, newsman Kent
Brockman is convinced that giant ant people have
conquered the spacecraft and will conquer Earth
shortly, so he offers his services to them. Meanwhile,
James Taylor (voiced by himself) has been singing to
the astronauts. He suggests getting rid of the ants by
blowing them into space. The astronauts get into their
spacesuits, strap themselves in, and blow the hatch.
All of the ants are sucked out into space.
Unfortunately, so is Homer; his seat belts were undone.
He holds on for dear life to the hatch handle.
Suddenly, it breaks! But Aldrin and Banyon rescue
Homer. Now they have a problem: the hatch will no
longer stay closed. They can't re-enter the atmosphere
without burning up. Banyon's had enough and attacks
Homer, who defends himself by pulling out -- an
inanimate carbon rod. In the course of the struggle,
he sticks the rod in the position of the handle. It
holds, allowing the astronauts to return home safely.
Back on Earth, the rod is regarded as a hero. And so
is Homer, at least to his family. The final scene
comes straight from "2001" with Star Child Homer.
16. Mar 17 1994 1F14 Homer Loves Flanders (by David
Richardson)
Board: I am not delightfully saucy.
Couch: They find two couches, so they all split in
half, and each half sits on a couch.
The big event is coming! What big event? Why, the big
football game between the Shelbyville Sharks and the
Springfield Atoms. Homer really wants to go to the
game. In fact, he wants to go so much, he camped out
at the box office days before the tickets go on sale.
As luck would have it, the guy in front of Homer in the
line buys ALL of the tickets, so Homer is out of luck.
While driving to work, Homer hears the radio station
announce a ticket giveaway to the lucky caller. He
rushes to work, gets to his station -- only to find
that Ned Flanders was the lucky caller. Later on at
home, Homer prays for some tickets. Suddenly, the
doorbell rings: it's Flanders, who's inviting Homer to
the game. Unfortunately, Homer slams the door on him
before he realizes what he's heard. That evening,
Homer goes over to the Flanders' with a lead pipe,
intending to hit Ned over the head and take the
tickets. Fortunately, Flanders is a forgiving guy, and
his earlier invitation stands. Homer accepts. At the
game, Homer is his usual self (rude and crude).
Springfield wins on a last-second score. Afterwards,
Homer tries to get the players' autographs, but they
decline. He calls star quarterback Stan Taylor a nasty
name, which gets his attention. Then he sees Flanders
sitting next to Homer. They know each other from Bible
study. Taylor gives the game ball to Flanders, who
promptly gives it to Homer. Homer is genuinely
touched. He's now proud to call Flanders a friend. He
spends a lot more time with the Flanders family, a fact
that neither family really cares for. Homer goes down
to the homeless shelter with Flanders. He gets so
bored that he takes over dispensing the soup at a very
rapid pace, a feat that gets him into the paper as a
hero. After Marge tells Homer he's been neglecting his
family, he decides to have a joint family outing with
the Flanders's. As you can imagine, things don't go
very well -- food fights, sugar binges, etc. That
evening, Flanders dreams of murdering Homer! One day,
Homer asks if Flanders and family would like to have
another outing. Flanders says they can't, as they're
going to see Grandma. But that was a lie to get rid of
Homer, Ned tells Tod and Rod. They don't understand.
Later, when Homer comes knocking on the door, the
Flanders's drive away. They try to evade Homer, but
it's no use. He catches up to them by using the golf
clubs he was carrying. Flanders makes a sudden turn
and dumps Homer. Unfortunately, he's pulled over by
Chief Wiggum and arrested for drunk driving (Ned wasn't
drunk, but he kinda acted like it). Worse, a church
bus drives by during the arrest. Ned is shamed before
the whole community. He doesn't know if he should even
go into church or not -- but Homer invites him in. The
service starts off with Homer being praised and Ned
condemned. Later on, Homer falls asleep and starts to
snore. This pushes Flanders to the breaking point. He
blows up, calling Homer an incredibly annoying person.
The congregation does not take kindly to this, and they
begin to menace Ned -- until Homer steps in with an
impassioned defense. Flanders is truly a hero and a
good person, Homer says -- even better than himself, he
admits. Apologies are offered all around, and
everything is back to normal.
17. Mar 31 1994 1F15 Bart Gets an Elephant
Board: Organ transplants are best left to the
professionals.
Couch: Their eyes arrive first, followed by their
bodies.
It's morning, and the house is a mess. Sandwiches on
the stairs, bowling balls in the refrigerator, etc.
Everybody has plans for the day, but Marge won't let
them leave. It's time for cleaning, she says. Bart's
not too happy about it; "can't we just buy a new
house?" he asks. Homer finds it hard to part with old
calendars and TV Guides in the basement. Later, he is
overcome by fumes from Mr. Cleaner and suffers
hallucinations. Meanwhile, KBBL radio has been running
a real stupid contest: answer the phone with the
correct phrase, and win either $10,000 or an African
elephant. Bart wins the contest! And he chooses the
elephant! The DJs are in a pickle; they didn't
anticipate anyone really choosing the elephant, so they
don't have one. But Bart insists on the elephant.
Finally, after an ultimatum from their boss, they get
an elephant. "Stampy" is an interesting addition to
the neighborhood -- and a tremendous drain on the
Simpson budget. The food bills are enormous. Selling
rides and pictures of the elephant helps some, but it's
not enough. Homer decides that Stampy must leave. He
has several people look at Stampy, including the
curator of the local animal refuge and Mr. Blackheart,
who happens to be an ivory dealer. Since the refuge
can't pay for Stampy, Homer accepts the ivory dealer's
offer. Bart refuses to accept this, so he and Stampy
run away. Actually, Stampy runs away and Bart tries to
catch him. After wreaking havoc all over town and
crashing the Republican and Democratic conventions,
Stampy arrives at the Springfield tar pits, which is
where Bart finds him -- and where the family finds
them. Homer still plans to take the ivory dealer's
offer. Suddenly, he sinks into a tar pit! Stampy is
Homer's only hope, and he pulls him out. A thankful
Homer decides to reward Stampy by donating him to the
animal refuge. Everyone is happy.
18 Apr 14 1994 1F16 Burns' Heir
Board: The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with
Hail Satan.
Couch: They bounce like balls but end up on the
couch.
It's a typical day at the power plant -- but not for
Homer. He's won the employee raffle. His prize: be
the industrial chimney sweep for the day. That is an
extremely dirty and degrading job, but he takes comfort
in the fact that senior management is working just as
hard. Cut to Burns, sitting in his bathtub, being
sponged by Smithers, watching Homer at work. While
Smithers is away looking for a new sponge, Burns slips
and sinks beneath the surface. His life flashes before
his eyes. Smithers find Burns and thinks he's dead,
but he's not, as he revives and chokes Smithers. The
incident reminded Burns that he has no heir to his
fortune. Smithers is not a candidate, however; his
fate is to be buried alive with Burns. Let's audition
for a suitable heir, says Burns. The auditions attract
most of the children in town, including Bart and Lisa.
Bart does such a bad job that he gets a kick in the
rear by a big mechanical boot. Homer finds this
hysterical, but Bart finds it humiliating and takes his
revenge by smashing windows, decapitating statues, etc.
When Burns sees what's going on, he decides to make
Bart his heir. Bart begins to spend some time with
Burns. He's reluctant at first, but gradually he
begins to like his new situation. He really enjoys the
monitoring center, where he can view video from cameras
hidden in everyone's home. All of this attention
corrupts Bart even more than usual; he abuses everyone
in the family and won't stay with them anymore.
Thinking Bart is being kept against his will, Homer and
Marge contact the police, but they won't get involved.
They see attorney Lionel Hutz. Big mistake; he loses
their case (will they ever learn not to hire him?).
They hire deprogrammers to kidnap Bart and restore him
to normal. Unfortunately, they kidnap and deprogram
Hans Moleman (the guy with the HUGE glasses).
Meanwhile, back at the estate, Bart and Burns are
enjoying Itchy & Scratchy. Bart gets homesick and
wants to return home, but Burns tells him that his
family doesn't want him anymore. After a false start,
Bart is convinced of this and accepts Burns as his
father. To celebrate, they decide to fire some
employees. One of those to be fired is Homer. Who
will earn Bart's loyalty? Homer, that's who. Bart
fires Burns and sends him down a trap door. The family
is all together and everything is back to normal --
except Bart has a new brother, Hans Moleman (still
suffering the aftereffects of deprogramming).
19. Apr 28 1994 1F18 Sweet Seymour Skinner's
Baddasssss Song by )Bill Oakley & Josh
Weinstein)
Board: I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
(This was the 100th episode)
Couch: They all make it. Then Homer sees the Fox
logo in the lower right hand corner of the screen, rips
it down, throws it on the floor, and they all stamp it
to pieces.
We open on a vignette straight out of "The Wonder
Years". Actually, it's old home movies of Homer and
Marge that Bart wants to take to show and tell at
school. Marge doesn't think that's a good idea. After
Bart sees himself as a toddler on the potty, he agrees.
Lisa suggests Bart take a geode to show and tell.
Unfortunately, everyone else on the school bus had the
same idea. So Bart decides to bring the dog to school.
Santa's Little Helper is a hit with the class, even
Mrs. Krabappel. But after things begin to get out of
hand, Bart has to put the dog in the closet. That's
when things REALLY get out of hand. SLH smells lunch
being prepared (horse parts, now with more testicles!),
so he gets into the ventilation system to investigate.
Principal Skinner finds out about the dog, so he orders
custodian Willy into the vents to capture him. It's
quite a struggle, but he does catch the dog.
Unfortunately, they are stuck in the airvent over the
gym and require rescue from the fire department.
Superintendent Chalmers pays a surprise inspection and
doesn't like what he sees. He's ready to fire Skinner,
but SLH falls into his arms, so he decides to forgive
Skinner. Then Willy falls on Chalmers. Chalmers fires
Skinner! You'd think Bart would be overjoyed at the
defeat of his nemesis, but he's not (that's guilt, says
Lisa). Who's the new principal at school? Ned
Flanders, that's who! He runs a very loose ship,
discipline-wise. No more detention hall, the honor
system, etc. Meanwhile, Bart runs into Skinner at the
Kwik-E-Mart and apologizes. They begin to strike up a
friendship -- walk the beach, eat dinner together, that
sort of thing. But Skinner knows something is missing
from his life. He can't get his old job back, so he
decides to re-enlist in the army (remember, he served
in Vietnam). But army life isn't the answer for him
either. And having Flanders for principal is no answer
for Bart; even though there's total anarchy at the
school, Bart is missing something. He needs an enemy,
and what better enemy than Skinner? So Bart decides to
get Skinner fired. But when he brings Chalmers back to
school for an inspection, the superintendent decides to
keep Flanders on. After all, the public school system
is going in the toilet anyway, he says. Just then,
Flanders comes on the intercom and says "Thank the
Lord." Prayer in public school ?!? That won't do at
all, says Chalmers, and he fires Flanders. Skinner has
his job back, thanks to Bart, but it means their
friendship must end. As they part, Skinner has a KICK
ME sign taped to his back, and Bart has a TEACH ME sign
taped to his.
20. May 05 1994 1F19 The Boy Who Knew Too Much (by
John Swartzwelder)
Board: There are plenty of businesses like show
business
Couch: They all make it -- onto the Letterman set!
It's a lovely spring day; it's also a school day, and
therein lies a problem. Going to school today is just
like going to prison, Bart and Lisa think. It doesn't
help when Otto drives up in a prison bus (the school
bus is being repaired). Bart's classroom has gotten
new chairs for "improving" posture (torture device
would be more accurate). When Mrs. Krabapple says that
the class day will be lengthened by 2 hours, Bart
decides he's had enough. He forges a note for a
dentist appointment and flees to the riverbank.
Principal Skinner is not fooled by the note and decides
to bring Bart back. He's not at the museum or 4H club,
but Bart is at (among other places) the ice cream
parlor. Soon after leaving there, he runs into
Skinner, and the chase is on! Bart runs across the
bridge over the river and cuts it loose, but that
doesn't stop Skinner. Bart climbs up a ledge; so does
Seymour. Just when it looks bad for Bart, he hitches a
ride in a passing car. This car belongs to Mayor
Quimby's nephew Freddy, who drives to the family
mansion for a big party. Bart sticks around, claiming
to be a distant relative. During the dinner, Freddy
makes fun of the French waiter's accent and takes
offense at the way he says "chowder". Later, Bart goes
into the kitchen and takes a bite out of dessert -- a
big Rice Krispies treat. Suddenly, he hears voices and
hides. Freddy and the waiter enter the kitchen and
begin to argue. We see Bart watching the action as we
hear crashing, smashing, loud noises and screaming, and
finally someone falling to the floor. It's the waiter,
who's been badly beaten! Freddy is arrested. But Bart
knows Freddy is innocent (how he knows will be revealed
later). He doesn't know what to do. If he tells the
police what he knows, then Skinner will know he skipped
school and will throw the book at him. The case goes
to trial. Homer's on the jury, along with the
Flanders, Skinner, Apu, and Patty (or is that Selma?).
Mayor Quimby has bought several witnesses, but Bart
doesn't care; it means his testimony isn't necessary.
Lionel Hutz botches up the prosecution, but Freddy
blows his chances by losing his temper during his
testimony and threatening to kill the jury. Meanwhile,
Bart keeps his secret. The jury gets the case. The
vote: 11-1 to convict. The lone holdout? Homer, who
has discovered that the jury would be sequestered at
the swankiest hotel in town. And he enjoys his hotel
stay by running a big room service tab and swiping most
of the furniture. After searching deep within his
heart, Bart decides to come forward and tell what he
say. Freddy never laid a hand on the waiter. So what
happened? The waiter slipped on something, which
caused him to bump into everything in the kitchen. The
waiter doesn't like being called clumsy, but he proves
that he is by slipping and falling out the window into
a truck filled with rat traps. Freddy is a free man,
but Bart is not; Skinner gives him 4 months detention.
21. May 12 1994 1F21 Lady Bouvier's Lover (by Bill
Oakley & Josh Weinstein)
Board: I will not re-transmit without the express
permission of Major League Baseball
Couch: They crash together, fall in pieces
Homer and the kids are watching the Krusty the Klown
show. Today, Sideshow Mel is conducting the Monkeytown
Philharmonic (and getting attacked by the monkeys in
the process). Homer asks Maggie to point out the
monkeys; she points at Homer. But we can forgive her,
as today's her first birthday. Who's coming over for
the party? Patty & Selma, Grandma Bouvier, and Grandpa
Simpson (though it takes him a little longer to
arrive). Maggie looks beautiful in her first dress
(Ah!). Later on, Bart and Lisa do an old musical
number -- the Armour Hot Dog song. As everyone leaves,
it's clear that Grandma and Grandpa are lonely.
Perhaps they'd enjoy being together, think Homer and
Marge, so they double-date at the local Super-Smorg.
Grandma and Grandpa do have things in common (like
falling prey to telemarketing scams). Grandpa cracks
them up with a Charlie Chaplin routine (but the estate
lawyers object). Later, Grandpa realizes he's in love.
No, it's a stroke. No, it really IS love. Marge
thinks it's great, but Homer contends this would make
them brother and sister, leading to horribly deformed
children with pink skin, no overbite and 5 fingers on
each hand (shocking!). Meanwhile, Bart is watching the
Impulse Buying Network and sees limited edition Itchy &
Scratchy cels for $350. So he uses Homer's credit card
to buy one. After some Special Deliveries for Homer
that should have been refused (blows to the head), the
cel arrives. One problem: all the cel contains is
Scratchy's arm. Bart's been had!! All he can get for
it at the local store is a Mary Worth telephone.
Meanwhile, Grandpa and Grandma go on another date.
This time, it's a dance. They enjoy themselves. Then
Burns cuts in on Grandpa, and he and Grandma really cut
the rug. They dance up a storm, and Grandpa is
dejected; he's lost his love to another man. Now Burns
and Grandma date; needless to say, Homer, Marge, and
Smithers all object to the relationship. When Burns
comes over to the house, Bart sees a way to get $350;
he threatens Burns with mustard and ketchup guns. It
works; Burns hands over the money, and Bart can pay
Homer back. Back to the relationship: it continues to
grow. So much so, in fact, that Burns proposes -- and
Grandma accepts! Nobody's very happy about it, as we
see at the wedding. The ceremony is interrupted by the
organist playing Grandma's favorite song. The organist
is Grandpa, who crashes the wedding and couterproposes
to Grandma. She declines BOTH proposals; she doesn't
really want to get married at all. That's good enough
for Grandpa, who runs off with Grandma to the tune of
"The Sounds of Grandpa" (parody of "The Sounds of
Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel). At the end of the
credits, Grandpa shuts up at the Gracie "sh".
22. May 19 1994 1F20 Secrets of a Successful
Marriage (by Greg Daniels)
Board: Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Couch: Ka-boom!
It's poker night at Lenny's, and the guys are having a
good time. Homer wins a hand with a straight flush,
but it takes him forever to realize this. Somebody
calls him slow. It takes him several hours to realize
that, by which time the game's over. At breakfast the
next morning, the family tries to cheer Homer up. But
it doesn't work. Marge suggests taking an adult
education class. When he goes to school, he sees many
of his friends and neighbors teaching classes. So
Homer decides to teach a class. But what to teach?
Well, there's an opening for a teacher in the Secrets
of a Successful Marriage class, so Homer takes it.
He's proud of his role as a teacher and tells everyone
he can. Unfortunately, he is woefully unprepared for
the class. For two minutes, he is completely
speechless! Finally, the class has had enough and
walks out. Homer, in desparation, begins to share his
and Marge's intimate secrets. For instance, he says
Marge dyes her hair blue (horrors!). At the
Kwik-E-Mart the next day, Marge runs into several
customers who know the secret. Embarrassed, she drives
home. Later, she tells Homer not to reveal any more of
their secrets, and he agrees. Next class, Homer plays
it by the book . . . and loses his class. So once
again, he starts to tell secrets -- disguised at first,
but he blows it later on. This time, we learn that
nibbling on Marge's elbow drives her WILD! The next
day, the family sits down to dinner . . . accompanied
by Homer's class, who want to observe their life.
Lisa's demeaned and embarrassed, and so is Bart (after
being choked by Homer). They leave. Marge requests
everyone else leave; then Moe mentions the elbow. Now
Marge has had it. She throws everyone out -- including
Homer! He has betrayed her trust and is no longer
welcome in the house. Where does Homer go? Bart's
treehouse, that's where. The separation takes its tool
on Homer -- he lets himself go physically; he creates a
new "Marge" out of a plant, etc. Meanwhile, Moe sees
an opportunity with Marge and comes over. But she's
not interested in his favors. However (nice person
that she is), she invites him in for a glass of water.
While Moe's on the couch, in comes Homer. Moe fears
the worst and flees in terror. Marge is shocked at
Homer's condition -- and he's only been gone a day!
What can Homer offer Marge that no one else can?
Complete and utter dependence, for he can't live
without her. This works; all is forgiven.
HELD OVER TO NEXT SEASON:
1F17 Lisa's Rival (by Mike Scully)
1F22 Bart of Darkness (by Dan McGrath)
If anybody has any additions, comments or suggestions,
please let me know. Hope you enjoy this list as much
as I've enjoyed creating it.
Roger Reini/76116,1436 in Detroit (also on Delphi:
RREINI)
Internet: [email protected]
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