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From the Bottom, Looking Up

by AJ Reeves

I am 17, a student, semi-insane and a borderline intellectual. These things have been burning my head to a crisp for the last few months, so I need to get them off my chest. This is the first time I have ever written anything like this, so it will probably end up all over the place in no particular order. Sorry about this.

First off, I hate the American institution. Not the American people as a whole, just the government and the minority of blind followers that throw their support behind ‘Dubya’ with no questions asked. If the named John Titor (www.johntitor.com) is correct, then…god on him.

September 11 was not a bad thing. At least from some perspectives. This Iranian woman I see on TV recently (who won the Nobel prize – I cant remember her name) saying that the US has used September 11 as an excuse to rape and pillage the world in their relentless search for a debt-breaking oil they have been looking for – e.g. Iraq.

I’m sitting here, at my desk in western Sydney, looking at the picture taken at my girlfriends year 12 graduation a few weeks ago. She looks so beautiful. She’s in a plum purple dress, with a white-and-green flower corsage on. Anyone who has ever known love will have felt what I feel now. God, after all the crap that gets drilled into us since we first wonder about our life partners, its very different. I feel like shes my best friend, but also as if she could do nothing wrong by me.

Stress, stress, stress… the damned stress… Im getting pressured into choosing what I want to be after im out of school… damn system… what you choose to be in school is what you choose to be for the rest of your life… absolute bullshit. Why do I have to choose now???

My parents broke up a few years ago, when I was like 12 – 13. My dad is remarried now, and I can tell he faces an internal conflict. His wife is an annoyingly insecure individual, and she practically forbids him to see his 2 children. Hes never really been a big part of my life, and after the break up, if you had have given me the chance, I would have killed him and then myself. No jokes there.

Is it just me or are the nicest people on the planet the people who have been through the most shit but come out on top of it?

My girlfriend…when she was about 12, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was put on a new chemo drug with 4 other people – she was the only one who survived this long. Shes stronger than me, I would have caved…

For a while now, I sincerely believe that I have had a major anger issue. Every time I see a person being cruel, I get tempted to attack them. I spose the fact that I watch too much wrestling doesn’t help much…. Ha ha ha…

Have any of you actually sat out in the country and looked up at the stars? Last time I did that was a long time ago, about 7 years ago. I felt so alive then, I can’t explain it. I have lost that feeling somewhat, as if I have become a drone, a creature of habit, something that just follows blindly…

People are so shallow… they only care about looks… I will admit, im not the full package, and im a bit hefty, but I think that my personality would be attractive enough. Apparently not, because I am probably the loneliest person ive ever met.

Why is life so painful? Is there actually some higher power who wants to test me, and if I pass his tests ill become great? Or am I just here, alone, making my own problems and battling them myself as well? That question….ive struggled with it so many times it isn’t funny. Does anyone who the answer? Please? Relieve me of this burden that sometimes gets so heavy I have to cry before I sleep…

Life….maybe its just an eternal power struggle… the little guys crawling over the big guys trying to make themselves bigger, but the big guys swatting them like flies… maybe ill be one of the few that make it to the big guy status…I doubt that…

In my lifetime (so far), I have experienced more than a few wars. I think Wilfred Owen said it best in his poem “The Last Laugh”… the Weapons are the only winners in total wars like the Wars that will come.

And all this overwhelms me. Some might think I am weak… but hey, that’s their opinion, and they are entitled to it. So am I, and you just read my opinions, everything that I could think of in the time limit I set myself – 3 hours to write as much as I can about what I think of the world, from the perspective of the lowest form of life on the planet – The pubescent Teenager, shackled with the weight of the world as he slowly sinks into the abyss that will eventually become his life…

 
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