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You always knew that NY was unsafe...

TO INSPIRE A SAFER NEW YEAR

On the threshold of a new year, I felt the details of a New York Telephone
accident might inspire you and your people to strive for a safer 1985.

Employee Joseph Grosshawk, the driver of a company vehicle, was parked on
a downward slope in Massapequa. He had a passenger, Mr. Milker, his
supervisor. Both were wearing hardhats in accordance with company
regulations.

Gosshawk glanced to the right to check around his vehicle before starting
off, and accidentally hit his supervisor in the mouth with the beak of his
hardhat, knocking out his false teeth. The teeth struck the handbrake,
releasing it and came to rest behind the foot brake pedal. As the vehicle
started to move down the slope, Mr Milker reached behind the brake pedal
to retrieve his dentures. Gosshawk at this moment stamped fiercely down on
the brake pedal. The supervisor received a severe gash on the dorsal
surface of his right hand, and sustained three broken fingers.

Although Gosshawk had acted promptly in his effort to bring the vehicle to
an immediate stop, the cry of agony from his supervisor caused him to
momentarily release his foot trom the brake. On its further down hill
movement, and before Gosshawk could ultimately arrest its progress, the
vehilce struck a cable splicer, Gordon Witherspoon, who was standing over
a manhole with a ladle of molten lead. The molten lead spilled into the
manhole onto the private parts of another cable splicer, Giovanni
Lascagnia, who was urinating into a pair of boots. The sudden application
of molten lead to Lascagnia's private parts caused the latter to lose his
aim and a stream of chianti-saturated urine fell onto the exposed splice,
burning through the paper insulation and shorting out 490 pairs of the
cable. Unfortuately, 480 pairs were LILCO's alarm and telemetry circuits.
This apparently indicated a catastrophic overload at the control center,
causing the Northeast Power Grid to shut down.

The switch to emergency power at the Hempstead C. O. Introduced sufficient
transients into the SAGE system for NORAD to interpret this as a massive
attack from Russia.

NORAD immediately launched an equally massive counter-attack. In the
ensueing conflict, the Hoggs Lane and Highway 401 bridges were destroyed
by a direct hit on the Jolly Roger's mens toilet.

During this time, Gosshawk drove Mr. Milker and Lascagnia to a hospital
and then attempted to return to his Work Center Headquarters, but found
both bridges missing. It then being 5:00 PM, he (on his own initiative)
drove the company vehicle home. Nothing having been seen of the other
cable splicer, Whitherspoon, for three days, a search was instituted, and
he was subsequently found in the manhole where he had conscientiously
jumped to repair the cable. It appears that Gosshawk, in accordance with
company regulations, had replaced the manhole cover. When Whitherspoon
attempted to remove the cover he found that an Army tank had parked on the
manhole during the troop movements. He was taken to the hosptial,
suffering from asphixia, having been exposed to Lascagnia's salami and
garlic lunch and two urine filled boots for three days.

The accident Invenstigation Board reviewed the facts and awarded Gosshawk
one days suspension for taking the company vehicle home without
permission. It commended Whitherspoon for his noble attempt to repair the
cable. The committee observed the whole affair could have been avoided if
Mr. Milker had used stronger denture adhesive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stolen from Mojo's, brought west by Ed Greenberg.


 
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