Troops in Saudi Arabia Deserve Some Beer

by Lewis Grizzard

It must be getting thirsty in Saudi Arabia by now. We've got all those American fighting troops over there and they're not allowed to have any beer.

The Saudis don't believe in beer. I'm not certain such a country is worth defending, even against Saddam Hussein. How can you stick all those soldiers out in the middle of the desert and not provide them a little beer occasionally?

The Saudis also will not allow anybody to send any nude photos to our kids. They probably can live with that. You can go without nude photos a lot longer than you can go without beer. You may not realize this but beer has played a big part in the military history of this country.

When Washington crossed the Delaware, he took a six-pack, which he drank along the way. That's how he drummed up the courage to stand up there in front of the boat.

When aides complained to President Lincoln that U.S. Grant was drinking too much during the Civil War, Lincoln asked, "What does he drink?"

The aides answered, "Miller Lite."

"Because it's less filling or has more taste?" asked Lincoln.

"He likes the can," they answered.

"Doesn't matter," said Lincoln. "Order each of my generals a case. Maybe they'll learn to fight like Grant."

The real reason Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders charged up San Juan Hill was because somebody told them there was an iced-down keg of beer at the top.

I'm not certain how much our brave fighting women in Saudi Arabia miss beer, but you get a couple of hundred thousand guys together, for whatever reason, and they're going to want a few cold ones.

The lack of beer has got to be hurting morale. If I were George Bush I'd level with the Saudis.

I'd tell them, "Read my lips. My boys have got to have some beer."

Can you imagine being 22 years old, being sent to a glorified sand box and not knowing when you'll get home or even IF you'll get home, and some guy dressed in something that looks like he stole off a bed in a Holiday Inn telling you you can't have a lousy beer after you get off duty?

This is ridiculous. This is unfair. This is an issue that should have come up before and the president should deal with now.

I'm serious. Tell the Saudis to stick it.

If the government won't pick up the tab, I'm certain the American people will be willing to foot the bill for a beer lift to Saudi Arabia.

What are the Saudis going to do if we ignore their no-beer rule? Ask us to leave and have to depend on shaky allies to defend them against Saddam Hussein?

Of course not.

Tell 'em to kiss our Buds and go drink their oil.