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Internet's Desperado Newsletter #3062
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From [email protected] Wed Apr 08 10:44:27 1992
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Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 11:43:49 EDT
From: [email protected] (Nicholas R. Trio)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: [[email protected]: Desperado #3062: Brief return of the early-80s header]
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 14:46:02 PDT
From: John R. Covert 07-Apr-1992 1616 <[email protected]>
To: mail11:;@[email protected] (@desperado)
Apparently-To: distribution:;@[email protected] (see end of body)
Subject: Desperado #3062: Brief return of the early-80s header
@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$
DESPERADO, An Irregular Journal of Distributed DADA Processing
@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$
CONTRIBUTIONS TO CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
[[email protected]]
SUBSCRIPTION REQUESTS TO COVERT::DESPERADO-REQUEST
[[email protected]]
990 lines and 22 of them dingbats
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Powerful enough to suck prairie dogs from their holes, but gentle all the same.
Not an official publication. Forward with daring and whimsy. Circle the earth.
Should you rip something off from here, be a sport and rip this header off too.
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I caught a reference somewhere to non-Digital people as "analogs".
=*=
Clinton's peccadillos don't bother me nearly as much as his
explanations of them. "It was in England. They told us it was
okay if we stayed in our rooms. I only did it twice. I didn't
like it. And, I didn't inhale."
Definitely a lawyer's approach: "My client's dog was on a short
chain and could not have reached the plaintiff. The dog remained
in his house at all times. The dog has no teeth, so a bite
couldn't hurt. Furthermore, my client has no dog."
=*=
The country-music station in New Your City has the call letters
WYNY, appropriate to the whiny brand of countrypolitan music that
they play. Of course, Boston has no country music radio at all.
=*=
The "House Bank" is the lousiest political scandal I can recall.
Totally unrewarding, except for the press and the talk-show goons.
A.) The "bank" isn't a bank, it's a private
co-op. That means the notorious "check bouncers"
were not taking money from the taxpayers, but from their
fellow members.
B.) Nobody bounced any checks. All were paid. These
checks were being kited, yes, but not bounced.
C.) The "bank" has been operated in this manner since
1882. At that time, it was agreed that accounts in the
bank would be "drawing accounts" against House salaries,
and that nobody would be paid any interest.
D.) The General Accounting Office has been reporting on
loose overdraft practices in the "bank" regularly since
1954.
E.) Compared to about 10,000 other bits of scandal
data that have come across the screen since 1970,
this one isn't worth one turn around the reflecting
pool with Fanne Fox, the Argentine Fireball. And it's
totally out of the Reagan league with it's one-two punch
of tripling the national debt and then buying the S&L
industry back from the crooks who bled it dry after
Reagan opened the door to the bleeders.
But that's all too complicated for the press and the talk-show
goons to explain. All my information came from newspapers and
magazines, but somehow it's not what "the press" is reporting.
=*=
This month's Washington Monthly has a piece on "investigative
journalism", concluding that most journalistic "investigations"
simply report on investigations actually initiated by government
organizations, Congressional committees, law enforcement agencies,
and so forth, and that very few such investigations represent any
kind of journalistic enterprise whatsoever.
So, when I was hanging around the cop shop trying to get the poop
from the desk sergeant on some murder or other, I guess I was
"investigating". (Now, of course, reporters aren't usually allowed
to talk to the desk sergeant, much less the cop who actually
investigated the crime. It's all done by spokesmen now, many
of whom aren't cops at all.)
=*=
Bumper sticker: "Saddam Hussein still has his job. How about
you?"
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SACRED AMBITIONS
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From: STAR::DIPIRRO "I'd rather be pounding nails into my head"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Contest? Aspirations outside Digital? Oh, don't get me started!
But first I'd like to say that I really enjoyed the story about
the man with the two dogs in Mount Vernon, N.H.. I live next door in Amherst,
and I always suspected that the criminal element thrived in the neighboring
communities. Frankly, I'm surprised they took him alive. It certainly explains
why hideous thugs, brandishing weapons, roam the streets of Amherst while nary
a dog runs free.
> A suggestion for a DESPERADO topic perhaps stimulated by the
> continual downsizing rumours, shift of office location and 'new
> working practices' which means desk sharing and less storage space
> irrespective of your actual job needs. What could you possibly want
> to do outside of Digital? (Quelle idee!). I think this could
> stimulate some good replies from your regular contributors.
My first impulse would be pimp or Columbian drug lord, but I'm not
sure if I meet all the prerequisites. I very recently subjected myself to
Johnson O'Connor aptitude testing, where I expected to see in black and white
what I had feared all along, that I actually have no aptitudes, and that is
why I am here doing software development at Digital. Much to my surprise, I do
possess a few aptitudes, and that career as a pimp is looking more promising
now...that is if I can't get that advertising job with Hustler magazine.
/sdd
=*=
From: TSGDEV::HASS "Barry Hass"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Secret ambitions
My two secret ambitions are to
1) own a minor league baseball team in Helena, Montana called the Handbaskets,
and
2) to own a Kosher Deli in New Orleans called the House Bayou.
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WAY-O, WAY-O, DRIVE LIKE AN EGYPTIAN
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From: TERSE::HUNZIKER "History shows that the Red Sox always win the
World Series in the year after a Russian revolution"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Desperado #3061
Tom,
I don't know what "drive like an American" means, but
I do know what "park like an American" means, at least
in Paris.
Two years ago, I had the "pleasure" of driving a British car
in Paris during rush hour. I had driven all the way back from
Chartres, and my left arm, which had no experience working a
gear shift before that very day, was very tired. Our French
host was in the back seat, expounding on the philosophy of
driving in Paris while failing to supply key information such
as whether to turn, go straight, or change lanes until the
very last moment. We barely escaped death because, in my
haste to get the car to *MOVE*, I shifted from first gear to
fourth nearly every time.
After about 30 minutes of this, I was ready to kill our
esteemed host, but fortunately we had arrived in his
neighborhood. My homicidal urges subsided when I saw a
parking place into which I could steer the car in easily
without having to mess with parallel parking, and thus, the
*&^%$#% gear shift.
As we emerged from the car, he ended his exposition by
informing me that my parking manuever was known as "parking
American."
*Susan
=*=
From: NOTIME::SACKS "Gerald Sacks"
To: VAXUUM::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Tuesday Weld
According to an article that appeared in the Boston Globe a while ago,
Tuesday Weld *is* related to Gov. William Weld. I think they're cousins.
=*=
From: ESGWST::RDAVIS "Ray Davis"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: RE: Desperado #3061
As the most enthusiastic Tuesday Weld fan you're ever likely to meet, I
have to ask who Herbert Khaury is and if he'd like to trade notes about
our mutual obsession some time.
Fanny Howe, who reviewed the Gnostic's book, is a poet and experimental
novelist. Here's some local color from her book "The Vineyard":
To be forbidden direct action. The Callahan Tunnel
to Logan airport feels like inappropriate longing
we are each afflicted with. From there
you can go anywhere on the ground, leaving behind
Boston Harbor, Chelsea, Brookline and the dull
gray Boston days passed among the enraged & ambitious
whom you love. To go west... Not to... Denial's body
in the ruins of Tremont Street is unable to listen
anymore to any subject outside theology, comedy
and true experience -- but tries to remain dignified.
Ain't that perty?
Ray
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It is perty, Ray, and so is the singing voice of Herbert Khaury,
better known under his Dickensian name of Horace Skimpole. No!
Wait! Sir Mulberry Hawke. No. Sairy Gamp? One of those
Dickens characters. (I, myself, once wrote under the name of
Marley's Ghost.)
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AS THE BOG ROLLS
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From: DECWRL::"jym@remarque.berkeley.edu" "Jym Dyer"
To: closet::t_parmenter
Subj: The Bog Roll Controversy
=x= I haven't seen support for your bog roll theory in the
_Journal_of_Sex_Differences_, but I figured that since you
were relatively merciful with my "fat people look better in
thongs" theory, I wouldn't say anything. But then events
overtook me, as they often do.
=x= You see, my own pet theory (literally, a pet theory) was
vindicated recently, in a big way. My friend's kitten just
redecorated her apartment in much the same way a frat boy
would redecorate a rival frat's front yard.
=x= My friend now puts the end piece against the wall.
<_Jym_>
=*=
From: CVG::PETTENGILL "mulp"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
CC: PETTENGILL
Subj: desperado - On TP and Elvis
On the topic of TP, my preference is that TP be placed on end on a shelf; this
is particularly useful when the TP buyer is someone who buys the TP by the
cost per sheet and the result is TP that is so delicate that you can't unroll
it by pulling on the TP itself.
On the topic of Elvis stamps, I must say that I agree with whatisname on FNX:
go with the `fat elvis holding a (turkey) drumstick'.
mulp
=*=
From: RANGER::REITH "Jim Reith"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Desperado
Tom, I've been following the TP roll controversy in Desperado and find that
the case in my house isn't covered. We have a perfectly servicable roll in
each bathroom but when the roll runs out, the empty core is left on the
spindle and the new roll is placed end up/down on top. I usually discover this
partial roll and end up putting it on the spindle (loose end out 8^) I do
if I were to leave it until it got small enough to
fall through the back. Figured you could use another datum.
Jim
=*=
From: DECWRL::"[email protected]"
To: t_parmenter%[email protected]
Subj: Desperado #3061: Many people believe almost any darn thing they're told
Personally, since I can no longer find those comfortable old pages (they
now print the catalog on glossy coated stock),
There's a relevant story about Huey Long, designed to show how he was
a candidate who knew the poor people to whom he was appealing. When
he was campaigning all over Louisiana, putting up posters and
circulars (we're talking about the early part of his career, when he
had to campaign in order to get elected), he always was careful to
make them out of non-glossy paper, so that the people could get some
good use out of them after reading the contents. It does seem like
the sort of thing that wouldn't occur to a George Bush.
=*=
From: DECWRL::"[email protected]"
To: [email protected]
Subj: roll call
If the folks at Kimberly-Clark had their way, we'd all load our rolls
with the tail over the top.
Buy a roll of "premium" bathroom tissue and take a look. If it's got
ducks or tractors or something printed all over it, the printing is on
the side facing out. If it has a "quilted" pattern embossed on its
surface, the quilting faces out. Even the perforations are stamped
favoring the "out" side.
If a roll is loaded with the tail coming out from under the bottom,
the "in" side presents itself to the user. This side is not only
uglier, it may be less safe as well. Since the makers of the tissue
have not intention of anyone *using* the in side, they may load the
inner ply with animal hair, insect parts etcetera to save cost (I have
no proof of this).
The only way to avoid such a health hazard is to use the side meant
for use. This requires turning the chosen squares of tissue over (a
l is improperly loaded.
The logical solution is to load the roll with the tail over the top.
Thank you.
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You're welcome. "If the folks at Kimberly-Clark had their way,
we'd all load our rolls with the tail over the top." You bet they
would, 'cause, as I said all along, that way you use more paper
and Kimberly and Clark (a couple of real 80s names there) get way
rich.
Back-loaded paper is easier to tear off too. If this is all too
emotional for you, you can carry on experiments on neutral
territory using paper towel rolls instead.
The calypsonian was right: Man smart, woman smarter.
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From: RANGER::GONZALEZ "An exaltation of larks"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: stamps I would and wouldn't lick department
* The Elvis stamp
* The proposed (in last Desperado) 50th anniversary
commemorative stamp for Hoffman discovering LSD.
But why bother with postage? Just send vibes.
=*=
From: LJOHUB::SCHORR "from LJ01"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: RE: OSF = One Swell Foop
The acronym OSF contains an interesting example of letter-reversal:
SOFTWARE -> OSFTWARE -> (just plain) OSFWARE
I discovered this when typing too fats.
Reversally oyrs,
Mark
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LET'S SEE HOW I DO
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From: DECWRL::"[email protected]" "MAIL-11 Daemon"
To: wonder::croll, closet::T_Parmenter
Subj: "O" Level Counter Culture
Saw the following on a postcard at a friends house. There are
times when I despair of my own education and connection with
society as a whole since I have to admit that I don't get 60%
or more of the references (or much of the humor, beyond it
being a parody of most of the philosopy and literature exams
I've taken). Anybody else want to try?
Dick Munroe
---
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationist graffiti in
the margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn.
Credit will be given to candidates who self actualise.
1. Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
neither has street credibility.
> Pink Floyd, sound and fury with the accent on sound.
> Black Sabbath, sound and fury with the accent on fury.
> Neither one has street credibility because they happened
> twenty years ago.
2. "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and
inner city.
> Everybody talkin bout a juggernaut don't know what they mean.
> The Car of Jagganath (Lord of the World, Vishnu to you) don't
> stop for nobody, but if you fell out into the road in front of
> it, and it inexorably came to crush you, you might panic and get
> your face distorted and your body contorted like a movie villain
> getting his comeuppance, or, and this would be nice, you might
> just go into alpha state and accept your fate. It is said that
> you feel no pain when attacked by a lion or tiger due to this
> providential phenomenon. Of course, Vishnu is a Hindu figure
> and Buddha, if not personally a member, is close to the
> Buddhists (some of the early ones anyway), so this question may
> betoken some kind of Asian religious brouhaha I'm not familiar
> with. Of course, if alpha state comes over you automatically,
> does it count as Nirvana? On the other hand, it was because the
> worshippers of Vishnu were so filled with religious excitement
> that they threw themselves in front of the Car of Jagganath in
> the first place. The "inner city" bit is a red herring. They
> don't have parades in the countryside, not even in India. And
> the Car of Jagganath is really just a parade float, albeit an
> often fatal one (like those flying R/C lawnmowers that got out
> of control at the Sugar Bowl a few years back.)
3. Write notes on three of the following:
a) Leylines
> The unplugged, acoustic version of "Layla": transformation from
> a man in the grip of an unbearable passion to a man singing an
> "arrangement" of a once-popular song.
b) 1969 Moon Landing.
> People in Pakistan, where my parents were in 1969, were pretty
> much in agreement that it was staged.
c) Jung
> The most interesting and least scientific of the Big Three of
> Shrinkdom, the only one to say a kind word for flying saucers.
> But, what about Wilhelm Reich?
d) Woodstock
> More mud and less music than you think.
e) Tai Chi
> These hands were registered weapons, but the registration
> expired.
f) Red Leb
> I used to think it was summer sausage, but now I am convinced
> there's no better lunch meat than Lebanon bologna, which comes
> from the same place those lists come from.
4. "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist ripoff
merchants." Comment on this insult.
> That's no insult. It's the plain truth.
5. Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
> O, come on, quizmeister! Bob Dylan is a beatnik, not a hippie.
6. Which is the most hassle:
a) being paranoid a black hole is about to suck you into it
b) NME dismissing your concept album as ideologically unsound heavy
metal dross.
> a) 'cause everybody knows the British music press sucks worse
> than a black hole.
7. Write an essay either on rebirthing or why you think Leonard Cohen's
great.
> Well, Leonard, who can't sing, has made a slew of albums, and
> also enticed Jennifer Warnes, who can sing like Apollo, to record
> a bunch of his stuff too. A few lines of Leonard are enough to
> dispel any illusions about Lou Reed and Jim Morrison as to
> poetritude.
8. "Casteneda was a bit of a bozo." How far is the above a fair summing
up of western dualism?
> Take the money and run, Carols.
9. A racket of a rocket to the unconscious? Provide a radical critique
of meditation.
> Chee, this is like shooting fish in a barrel.
10. Hermann Hesse was a pisces. Discuss.
> There's one now! Ka-bang!
EXAMINATION FEE: #250
(That should be 250 pounds sterling. I don't know if the
pounds character will survive transmission.)
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And I didn't have to look up a thing. Where's my #250?
(Actually, I went back and looked up the spelling of Jagganath,
which I had with a hyphen. In the course of looking it up I
learned that the word "jungle" comes from the Sanskrit "jangala",
which means "desert".)
(Furthermore, the pounds sterling sign (#) did not survive the
trip. I put it back in, but it may not survive again. There was
an octothorpe there when I got it.)
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From: FRAIS::EDDF13::ROBERTS "Nigel Roberts"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Fell
>> arty, "one fell swoop". Except for sword&sorcery novels, I doubt
>> if anyone's used the word "fell" in any other way for a century.
Well, as well as the obvious past tense of the verb 'to fall', there's
also a noun 'fell' in modern English.
And I always though a 'fell knight' was one you spent out of doors on a
Cumberland hillside.
Nigel
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That's "fell" meaning "fierce, cruel, terrible, sinister,
malevolent, deadly, or (in Scotland only) sharp, pungent", as in
"fell swoop" or "fell knight". This is known as "4-fell" in my
dictionary. There's also "1-fell", meaning "skin, hide, pelt,
membrane", "2-fell" meaning "cut, beat, knock down, kill",
"3-fell" the past tense of "fall", and "5-fell" meaning "a high
barren field or moor". 1-fell, 4-fell, and 5-fell are pretty much
goners
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From: DECWRL::"[email protected]" "Jerry Leichter"
To: closet::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Nature vs. Sig-Nature
This came to me via a bizarre mailing list named UNIX-HATERS.
-- Jerry
To: [email protected]
Subject: Mr. Happy
From: [email protected]
Personally, I take a somewhat less strident position on smileys. I merely
prefer that, if they are used, they at least be moderately original. Can't
you just picture Candide or Jurgen sprinkled with this little guy? ~/:^)
Why, the very cultural guerrila-hood of it would mildly (OK, OK, *very* mildly)
warm the heart, even though *this* one :-) is pretty damn tired, and should
no doubt be retired.
What *I* hate are .sig blocks. All of 'em. Especially when I'm on a serial
link (like right now). Sometimes (usually), you have to sit through a
screenful of mailer header crud, a copied, indented version of something you've
already seen copied and indented a half dozen times already, followed by the
person's little, marginally worthwhile comment (generally identical to everyone
else's), and then another screenful containing *two* copies of some inane,
ornate .sig semi-iconically depicting the dude/ette's entire record collection,
philosophy of life, the configuration of their Amiga, every concievable net
address that could possibly bounce mail directed to them, their political
affiliations, the complete details of their sex life and income tax returns for
the past decade, the dollar sum of all the military contracts they have
directed towards basic research on artificially intelligent paramecia, the
definitive answers to why choosy mothers choose Jif and why the chicken crossed
the road, not to mention what it did once it got to the other side, and the
abstract of their scholarly dissertation on the "Ontology and Oncology of
Chicken Road-Crossings, Droppings, and the Post-Darwinian Industrio-Dental
Ethos" ...
If you could always just see the person's little comment without the "benefit"
of all the wrapping, it would probably raise the GNP by some tiny fraction of a
percentage point. I propose we trade .sigs for smileys on a one-for-one basis,
thereby raising the GNP by some vanishingly small fraction of a percentage
point.
-- Jim
Hm, should I put one of *those* here? Naw. You're creative. You can no
doubt visualize it in place of all the little words on these two lines.
=*=
From: TLE::DIEWALD "Close Encounters of the Elvis kind"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Another amusing .sig file for Desperados enjoyment
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| "Johnson" | " " |
| [email protected] | -- Marcel Marceau |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Disclaimer: It's just my Tourette's Syndrome acting up again. |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
=*=
From: DECWRL::"[email protected]" "FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!"
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
Subj: Techno-dweeb .sig, but in DECs favor...
VAX/VMS is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along without it,
if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss is about.
=*=
From: DECWRL::"[email protected]" "Don't take life so serious--it ain't
nohow permanent."
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Subj: Great joke used as a .sig
-A ham and cheese sandwich walked into the local cafe' and sat at
an empty bar stool. The bartender, with this disgruntled look on his
face, immediately rushed over to the sandwich and said, "sorry buddy
you are going to have to leave". The ham and cheese sandwich replied,
"Why, what did I do wrong?", the bartender said, " Can't you read the
sign above the bar,
---------------------------------
- We do not serve food here -
---------------------------------
=*=
From: DECWRL::"[email protected]" "FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!"
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
Subj: I'd like to the Sam the Sham had something to do with it...
"...Even the name 'Quattro' was carefully selected as the sequential
usurpation of Lotus' 1-2-3 nomenclature. (Nerds, take note: The code name
for Quattro was Budha, because Borland wanted to assume the Lotus
position.)"
Even if true, I find the a little too precious for words. Knowing most of the
burnouts in the business that I do, it was more likely someone spotting the
similarity to:
uno-dos-tres-"quattro"
Followed by a BIG shot of Don Diablo and a long night in front of a terminal,
programming.
Dick Munroe
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Why, yes, although scholars would hasten to point out that the
actual countdown to the ballad of the wooly jaw is, and I quote,
"Uno! Dos! Wan! Two! Tres! Cuatro!" I counted this out many
times in whatever New England bars would hire a band with me in
it.
Only Dick Munroe will have noticed that I removed his own .sig
from all those .sigs he sent me.
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From: STAR::DIPIRRO "I'd rather be pounding nails into my head"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Contest? Aspirations outside Digital? Oh, don't get me started!
But first I'd like to say that I really enjoyed the story about
the man with the two dogs in Mount Vernon, N.H.. I live next door in Amherst,
and I always suspected that the criminal element thrived in the neighboring
communities. Frankly, I'm surprised they took him alive. It certainly explains
why hideous thugs, brandishing weapons, roam the streets of Amherst while nary
a dog runs free.
> A suggestion for a DESPERADO topic perhaps stimulated by the
> continual downsizing rumours, shift of office location and 'new
> working practices' which means desk sharing and less storage space
> irrespective of your actual job needs. What could you possibly want
> to do outside of Digital? (Quelle idee!). I think this could
> stimulate some good replies from your regular contributors.
My first impulse would be pimp or Columbian drug lord, but I'm not
sure if I meet all the prerequisites. I very recently subjected myself to
Johnson O'Connor aptitude testing, where I expected to see in black and white
what I had feared all along, that I actually have no aptitudes, and that is
why I am here doing software development at Digital. Much to my surprise, I do
possess a few aptitudes, and that career as a pimp is looking more promising
now...that is if I can't get that advertising job with Hustler magazine.
/sdd
=*=
From: TSGDEV::HASS "Barry Hass"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: Secret ambitions
My two secret ambitions are to
1) own a minor league baseball team in Helena, Montana called the Handbaskets,
and
2) to own a Kosher Deli in New Orleans called the House Bayou.
=*=
From: AIDEV::SPELLMAN
To: closet::t_parmenter
Subj: My brother asked me this
Have you ever noticed that when you drop buttered toast it lands butter side
down?
Have you ever noticed that when you drop a cat it lands on its feet?
What would happen if you buttered the back of a cat and dropped it?
And some people think *I'm* strange.
Chris
=*=
From: ESIS::MILSTEIN "Jim Milstein, A thing worth doing
is even worth doing badly"
To: ragmop::t_parmenter
CC: MILSTEIN,GUESS::Goldman
Subj: The DEClaration of Independence
Tom,
The following material came up in the context of a discussion of the meaning of
"natural law," in a rather obscure notes conference. It was written by
Eliot GUESS::Goldman, a fellow technical writer, obviously.
yr rspndnt
Jim
<submitted text follows>
But as long as the topic seems to have become the Declaration of
Inpendence, it might be wise to use this notes conference to see
if the document is well-written, which as we all know means, does
it comply with Digital Corporate Style Guidelines. Obviously not!!
For beginners, there's no abstract, no table of contents, no index,
no section on conventions used in the document, and no statement
about intended audience. I mean how did King George know it was
meant for him?
And look at the title--"Declaration of Independence." Why not make
it something that Marketing would like: DEClaration or DECindependence.
This whole episode in our history sounds like some of the projects
around here. A bunch of people get together in endless meetings
and decide to create a new product--in this case a new nation. And
then at the last minute someone remembers, "Oops, we're probably going
to need some documentation."
Is there a docplan? No! Is there a functional spec? No! Poor Tom
Jefferson gets the task of writing the docs as the product is
being shipped. OK, maybe he did the best he could under the
circumstances, but take some of the better-known language:
We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created
equal; that they are endowed by their creator with certain
inalienable rights; that among these rights are life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness.
For beginners, you don't use "We" in a document--that's bad style.
And "self-evident." --too big a word; the editors would never let
it through. No the DEClaration Guide needs a simple statement
followed by a bulleted list--
These statements are true:
* All men (STOP RIGHT THERE!--no sexist species-biased language)
* All beings are created (Passive voice--go to jail for this one)
* All beings are equal (Now, we're getting somewhere)
* They are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable
rights (more passive voice and a religious bias to make things
worse)--Better make it:
* They have these rights from birth
- Life
- Liberty
- Pursuit of Happiness
So, we've taken Jefferson's non-compliant prose and worked it into
something much more understandable and less offensive:
These statements are true:
* All beings are equal
* They have these rights from birth
- Life
- Liberty
- Pursuit of Happiness
I'm sure if we put our minds to it, we could improve the rest of
the document in exactly the same fashion. We all ought to be
thankful that there are now policies in place so things like this just
don't happen anymore. If Thomas Jefferson ever tried to do something
like this today, the product schedule would slip so that documents
worthy of it were part of the package.
=*=
From: HEADER::DFRIEDRICH "DIRK FRIEDRICH"
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: COVERT CONTRIBUTION
The most recent addition to my bargain basement book collection is a real gem,
a manuscript that I have sought out for years - Amy Vanderbilts Complete Book
To Etiquette. For years I have been rudderless, a veritable Conan in my
attempts in navigating through the ceremonies of life. But no more. Answers
on who is legally entitled to the engagement ring, proper coffin attire and
the treatment of your spouse during 'that delicate time of the month' - its all
here. There's more - the author, an heiress to fortunes in Manhatten Banking,
unwittingly gives us a unique insight into the world of people with old money,
and what it is they have to do keep themselves amused. A good read, well worth
the 50 cents you'll throw down at a rummage sale to aquire it.
Pathos
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I have long held tight to my 1944 edition of Emily Post's
"Etiquette", which, in addition to long discussions of silverware
and chaperones, includes little two-page psychodramas about what
to do when a house-guest insults your ancestral portraits.
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From: DANGER::JBELL
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj: desparado submission
This is from the rec.humor.funny one-liner file:
From: [email protected] (Cliff Stoll)
Subject: Lord of the Disks
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the Hackers Scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smokey lairs,
Three megs for system source;
One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files,
And in the darkness grind 'em.
signature file of Andrew Cole, [email protected]
Forwarded to rec.humor.funny by Cliff Stoll, [email protected]
=*=
From: DDIF::RUST
To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
CC: RUST
Subj: For Desperado. Tzenah, tzenah...
Here's a handy hint for all you camel-racers out there:
"The shrieks of children tied to camels against their
will scare the animals, making them run faster in races."
[This was from a newspaper article, quoting Bombay police
who had just rescued 25 young boys, ages 2 to 5, who were
allegedly about to be flown to Dubai to serve as involuntary
camel-goads. And here I thought I'd heard about every form
of flesh-peddling that there was...]
-b
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ELECTRONIC "BUCK SLIPS", SECRETARIAL PHONE MESSAGES
PURELY ROUTINE ADMINISTRATIVE TOPICS, TIME-CARD SUBMISSIONS
WEEKEND SECRETARIAL ARRANGEMENTS, SEEMINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL MARGINALIA
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From: RAGMOP::PARSONS "CUIP Strategic Technology and Consulting"
To: TOM
Subj: White House Email archives threatened
Subject: Historians Want To Preserve White House `E-Mail'
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 1992 06:14:39 -0500 (EST), Wall Street Journal
By Michael W. Miller
On Feb. 1, 1986, an executive sat at his office computer and sent a
colleague a message via electronic mail: "Bill, Ed . . ., Don . . . and
I are fully on board this risky operation, but most importantly President
and VP are solid."
Thousands of office workers send notes like this every day. But this
executive was U.S. National Security Adviser John Poindexter, and the
"operation" he had in mind was a covert plan to sell arms to Iran. When
investigators found a copy of this message and hundreds of others on
computer backup tapes, they unraveled a vast scandal that tarnished a
president.
The saga of the Iran-Contra electronic mail is back in the news today
because the Bush White House is fighting for the right to wipe out those
backup tapes, including 98 that investigators never inspected, The Wall
Street Journal reported. The tapes contain thousands of unknown messages
from Poindexter, Oliver North and dozens of other National Security Council
officials.
But a coalition of historians, librarians and public-interest groups
is in court trying to block the Bush administration and preserve the
tapes -- which they suspect could contain new bombshells. They argue
that destroying the tapes would violate the Federal Records Act, which
requires U.S. government offices to preserve important documents for
posterity. A federal judge is expected to start hearing the case later
this year.
The case has erupted into a broad dispute over history and public accountabi-
lity in the information age. Bush administration lawyers contend the
Records Act doesn't cover electronic mail. Their opponents call that
a dangerous distinction, now that electronic mail is so widely used throughout
the highest reaches of government.
Historians and librarians are so alarmed by the administration's argument
that their national associations have joined the suit, calling it an
important test case. If they lose this case, they fear, the archival
record of decision-making in the Bush White House could be thinner than
in any modern presidency.
The case turns on two very different views of the modern medium of
electronic mail. In court papers, government lawyers suggest that e-mail,
as it is commonly called, is used for such trivial matters that it doesn't
fall under the Federal Records Act. They say e-mail notes are merely
electronic "buck slips," or secretarial phone messages. They contain
"purely routine administrative topics, such as time-card submissions
(or) weekend secretarial arrangements."
Administration lawyers maintain it would be unreasonable to search
the computer tapes at issue -- containing 7.3 million pages of text --
for any historical nuggets. They say e-mail users in the executive branch
are already under express orders to print out and preserve any significant
messages they happen to send.
"It's not replacing the memo or the think piece," says Paul Bateman,
who oversees the White House personal computers used by Bush himself
and 1,100 staffers. "It's replacing telephone calls" -- a medium that
has never been preserved for history.
Presidential historians shudder at the thought that the messages are
vanishing without a trace. "When the government lets documents fade out
of existence, you can't help but be suspicious that a cover-up is going
on," says Stephen Ambrose, a biographer of Dwight Eisenhower and Richard
Nixon.
Ambrose says the most valuable historical nuggets often don't show
up in the official pronouncements but rather in the seemingly inconsequential
marginalia.
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HAPPY LANDINGS
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One of my favorites from the folk-song era has been running
through my head, what with the news about finding nine scraps of
metal on an atoll:
Happy landings to you, Amelia Earhart,
Farewell, First Lady of the Air.
Yr. bdy,
Tom Parmenter
xxx
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