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UXU Issue #063
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Divine Problems ] [ By The GNN ]
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"DIVINE PROBLEMS"
by THE GNN/DualCrew/uXu
"Only God is perfect!"
(Heroes of the past)
"Shit!"
He used to be the mighty ruler. King of all kings. The Creator. The
best. The heroic leader. Call him whatever you want. He was God. Not
the God you call anyone who is beautiful or fantastic. He can neither dance
or sing. The first impression he gives you is that he probably reminds
you about the pictures of God in all books. Not very strange, since he IS God.
Yes, the real God. His home is Heaven and his work is to rule the world.
You can love him or hate him. But one thing is for sure; he is God, and he
created the whole world in two days (even if some books claim seven days
but that's just fake propaganda from Lucifer). His power is beyond
whatever you can imagine. He rules supreme.
Now he was laying on the floor of a 7-eleven and stared at the great hole he
made when he came crashing through the roof.
"Well, I guess you'll have to pay for that!", some idiot behind the counter
suddenly said.
"Do you know who I am, jerk?", God said while making some pathetic tries
to stand up. The floor was slippery due to the usual lousy cleaning from the
lamebrains who worked there.
"Listen Pa! I'm only a employee, ok? I don't make the fucking rules.", the
sleaze answered.
"I will guarantee you a place on my left side, haveaniceday!", God said and
quickly left the store.
New York.
Could it be worse?
It must had been Lucifer again. When the bell rang, God expected to find
another soul on the outside who wanted to come inside. It was early in
the morning and it was going to be a hectic day judgeing from the large amount
of people who showed up. As all days. But it was work, and someone had to
do it. Even God. But when he had unlocked the door the staircase below him
was empty. It had happened before that the soul was too eager to get inside
and stood in front of the yellow line (even if a LARGE sign clearly said
"Do NOT pass the yellow line until God have opened the door!").
Because, then it would easily happen that God accidentally slammed the door
right into the face of the soul and pushed him off the staircase. It had
happened a couple of times.
"Make a sign!", he had said to his angels.
They had made a sign. No accidents. Until now. With a sigh, God took a few
steps to the outside to watch if he could see the poor soul falling
down. He didn't even notice the wire who was placed below the door.
With a scream, he tripped and fell off the staircase. Twenty seconds later,
he crashed through the roof of the 7-eleven store.
New York. This rotten trashcan of humans.
"Yo! Check out the old fart!", some stupid kid screamed at him. With a
bright flash of lightning, God vaporized him at once. Then he continued
to walk the streets. What a place. Cars made noise, people bumped into
him, and everything smelled like junk. There he was, walking around with a
white dress, a large beard and a cross in a chain around his neck.
"Taxi!", he screamed to the bypassing yellow cabs.
Most of the drivers saw him as yet another weird Hare Krishna dude, who
wanted to go to the church for free, and didn't stop. This was humiliating!
Something had to be done. Ah! Over the street! On the other side of the street,
a taxi which was just about to leave. God made a run and threw himself into it.
Unfortunately there was already an old lady in it, but with a magic spell,
the door opened and she was thrown out as if an invisible hand had grabbed her.
"Drive!", God shouted to the driver.
"Uhm...uhm...uhm...the lady had some luggage that...", the driver
said with a weak voice.
The old lady was almost crushed when five large bags came flying from the
trunk of the taxi and landed on top of her.
"Done! Now drive!", God said with a slightly annoyed voice.
What else could he do? The driver had seen many strange things in his life
but this was very different. But he knew from experience that everything
had an explanation.
"Er...exactly where do you want to go?"
"Heaven."
Oh no, another grass-smoking hippie from the past who hadn't realized
what time it was, the driver thought. However, it was better to pretend and
drive around a while until the magician in the back seat had slipped into a
coma or something. He got very amazed when the car suddenly left the ground
and entered the sky.
"How much do I owe you?", God asked the driver.
It took them ten minutes to reach the bottom of the staircase in heaven.
The driver didn't answer. He just stared out of the window.
"Ah..ok, you'll get a nice place here instead, when the time is right,
what do you say about that?"
Still no answer. Never mind. God closed the door and sent the car back
to earth. A large crowd had gathered in front of the door to heaven and
God had to use his elbows to get to it.
"Sorry, but I'm in a hurry, let me pass!"
"Hey, we are ALL in a hurry here! We have waited a long time! No one
opens the goddamn..."
A flash from the Automatic Naughty Word Destroyer turned the soul into
nothing. A very good machine, God thought.
"No one opens the door? Well, you understand, I'm God..."
The crowd went "ooooohhhhh". The feeling of being Someone was exiting,
and God continued;
"Don't worry! I will open the door and everybody, yes EVERYBODY, will
go inside and enjoy....(short silence)...heeeeeaaaveeeen!"
Excitement and joy ran through the crowd. No judgements today! This
was Happy Hour in heaven! God turned around and faced the door.
BONK!
It hit him like a rock in the head. The door had closed and locked.
The keys were...in the lock, on the inside.
God turned blushing to the crowd.
"Anyone got a deck of cards or something?"
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