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uXu Issue #95
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Feline Superiority ] [ By The GNN ]
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FELINE SUPERIORITY
by THE GNN/DualCrew/uXu
"Listen fellow! You feed me, and I will not kill you. Got it?"
(Garfield, as "The Claw")
"Cats are more intelligent than humans!"
This controversial quote belongs to Dr August Balle who in his recent
articles in the world-spread magazine "Shrinks Today" claims that our cosy
and furry friends own a greater deal of brainpower than the human race.
After a long and cute description of his own cat "Sid Freud" he explains
why he got this idea:
"One day, just after I had fed Sid I began to study the pictures on the
cat-food can. It was at that particular moment I noticed that the text on
the can attracted ME and not Sid himself. 'Tastes wonderful', 'buy it' and
'a new improved flavor' are not written to impress cats. They are written
to impress me! Why? The answer is simple - but yet true: Cats do not
trust commercials! When did you see your cat stop by the TV and study
the false promises that are presented to us every day, every fifteen
minutes? Never, I say! Therefore cats have a greater deal of
understanding, they do not believe in soft words and cheap tricks from
smiling babes! Cats would never ever attend to a beach-party only to
taste a chewing gum!"
August Balle then includes a statistic chart over how many cats that
gamble, play cards or bet on horses. The number is zero, except for the
"mutilated communist" Ivan, a black cat that works for a russian circus.
August Balle comments:
"So, what conclusions could be drawn from this? 1) Cats understand that
the chances of winning are very small. Therefore they do not even bother
to gamble! 2) Cats have fully understood the meaning of "money is not
everything". 3) Cats spend more time with their personal hygiene than
sitting in front of a TV only to get humiliated by some smart-ass who
screams 'You lose!' over and over again."
There is also a comment to the recent election, from the cats point of
view (of course still written by Balle).
"Here we all sit and get stuffed with strange arguments about taxes,
taxes, taxes, niggers and Iraq from various smiling self-loving
monkey-brains! What do we do? Laugh? No, we run and VOTE for them! This
sick behavior is not shared with our small friends. They simply roll over
on the sofa and sleeps the Disneyland-like TV shows away instead of trying
to understand something that cannot be understood by a normal animal
without any mental illness!"
Later on Balle says:
"I want to see a cat in the White house! A cat that will show his teeth
to the public and roar: 'Read my tail! No more dogs! No more stinking
Fido that shits on public places and rips children apart with their
sharp teeth!"
The organization KAM (Kill All Men) reacted very strongly against Dr
August Balle, when he claims that cats do not have the need for "vigilant"
feminist clubs.
"Female cats know their place. If a male cat wants to have sex, they do
not complain. Two male cats does not begin to 'analyze' and 'discuss' the
reason why they both want to own the left part of the garden. They solve
their problems with violence, a truly good way and without the fear from
that some female cat disturbs them with words like 'childish'. Male cats
do not need to play intellectual. They do not have to enter shabby bars
and quote Sartre to get laid. Whatever they need, they take it! Of
course, with the help from human stupidity, some cats are not able to have
sex since their balls have been removed and thus turned them into boring
vegetables."
Balle ends his article with a fresh philosophy:
"Nietzsche is known for his 'God is dead' theory. This is wrong. God is
simply a sleeping cat who does not bother to rule over humans. This
statement may sound strange to you normal people, but when I discuss it
with Sid, he agrees completely with silence."
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Miaow! Dig your teeth into the hand that feeds you!
Sharpen your claws on this sofa: SEDES DIABOLI +46-586-FISHBOWL
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A grand on the tortoise to win.
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