Never Shove a Marble Up Your Ass, Like Never

DfgDfg Admin
Taken from Reddit, this was just too funny not to post.

This happened last week while visiting my Mother with my wife and kids....I had spent all day working in her yard, and was tired, hot, smelly and exhausted. Our house only has a shower, so I decided it would really be nice to relax in the tub at Moms house.

There I was, in the water relaxing, not a care in the world. I glanced at a bucket of toys my Mom puts out for the kids for their bath, and there on top of the bucket was a huge steel marble. Don't know why, but I got curious about what it would feel like 'back there'. Without thinking, I grabbed the marble and got busy. Took a little work to get it in, but after getting it past those resistance muscles, I felt quite the sensation as the marble slid on up inside me. WOW. OK, that was fun, now to push it out.

I pushed. Nothing. I pushed again, nothing. OK, so this was going to take a bit of work too. I pushed really hard, and yes, I felt it move towards the exit....right up to where those resistance muscles were. I pushed and pushed until I grew tired, and swoosh, felt the marble go back up deeper inside me. Getting concerned now. I push and push again, marble works back up to those pesky resistance muscles, and I hold my breath and grab the sides of the tub and push REALLY REALLY HARD and oh man, the pain, but I just didn't have enough push in me, and had to relax and there goes that damned giant marble back up deep.

Got a little scared now, things are hurting deep inside me now, thinking of the horror of having to go to the Doctor for this, oh no God no...After several more attempts, I finally go with all I got. Pushing with everything I have, beginning to grunt, feeling the blood bursting vessels in my face and eyes, pelvis up, pushing, pushing, OH GOD THE PAIN, NO NO NO, YES YES, FEELING IT GO THROUGH THE MUSCLES OF RESISTANCE, DON'T STOP, OH ALL THAT IS HOLY AND NOT THE PAIN THE PAIN KEEP PUSHING.....AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!

I heard the most hideous unholy non human sound which I still can't believe came out of my mouth from the agony of that marble passing through and out. WHOOOSH!! KLUNK!!! It came out! OH MY GOD WHERE ARE THOSE MUSCLES OF RESISTANCE? There was a feeling of a hose pumping out pudding at a rate a fireman would admire. OH GOD NO PLEASE ANAL MUSCLES PLEASE CLOSE!!! Water turned brown as I began to pass out, I could not stop it, I was dilated like a woman giving birth. I spewed everything my innards had to offer out into the bathwater. My whole body was convulsing uncontrollably and then the door flew open with my Mother and my Wife flying in because of all the noise. Poop still spewing out like Mt. St. Helens, my eyes red from popping blood vessels, body shaking. They just stared as I felt like a water balloon being deflated right before their eyes.

tldr. I can never look at my Mother or Wife in the eyes again.

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