Strange "vision" of my own death.
culinaryoverlord
Regular
I waited a while to post this, just wanted it to settle a bit before I put it into words.
So I was in the bath having my traditional day off morning beer. I was re-reading a favorite book, and was just getting to a part where a few of the characters die, when I had one of those fucked up moments where the fact that I am going to die some day really hit me.
No biggie, I don't know if everyone has these moments, but a few repetitions of "I'm not dead yet" usually squashes this unwanted introspection. This time I chose a different tactic, and thought about what it would be like to die.
And a pretty clear vision of how it might be came to mind, not pieced together a bit at a time, but complete, and a little more vivid than a normal daydream.
I am in a hospital room, or maybe a hospice, it's pretty shitty, and small, the window looks like it might be an old building. My Cousin is sitting on a classic "hospital chair" beside my bed, he is looking at the floor. There is a mickey of five star and some glasses in front of me on one of those swing tables, and a pack of smokes. My cousin looks up at me and he is crying. My eyelids close.
This actually rattled me a little bit, I had more than one beer after. So, has anyone else had a daydream like this?
C/O
"happy birthday, Mr. Lawrence"
So I was in the bath having my traditional day off morning beer. I was re-reading a favorite book, and was just getting to a part where a few of the characters die, when I had one of those fucked up moments where the fact that I am going to die some day really hit me.
No biggie, I don't know if everyone has these moments, but a few repetitions of "I'm not dead yet" usually squashes this unwanted introspection. This time I chose a different tactic, and thought about what it would be like to die.
And a pretty clear vision of how it might be came to mind, not pieced together a bit at a time, but complete, and a little more vivid than a normal daydream.
I am in a hospital room, or maybe a hospice, it's pretty shitty, and small, the window looks like it might be an old building. My Cousin is sitting on a classic "hospital chair" beside my bed, he is looking at the floor. There is a mickey of five star and some glasses in front of me on one of those swing tables, and a pack of smokes. My cousin looks up at me and he is crying. My eyelids close.
This actually rattled me a little bit, I had more than one beer after. So, has anyone else had a daydream like this?
C/O
"happy birthday, Mr. Lawrence"
Comments
Probably a good idea, actually. This is something which I didn't think about
I don't know if this is a quote from someone (which I'm sure it could be) but when I get into these little holes, I like to tell myself "The man who fears death is the man who never experienced life."
Yep, you totally get it.( no sarcasm, wait, that just makes it seem like I'm being sarcastic, okay "kings-x" no sarcasm). It's not a fear of an afterlife or being judged on my actions, but a feeling if indignation that all that I am will someday become sum=0. And some of it I think has to do with the none too perfect way I have taken care of myself, I could do a lot more to stay healthy, and put off the inevitable for as long as I can.
I think that by necessity we suppress these feelings, or deal with them in different ways, challenging the concept of our own mortality by putting ourselves in dangerous situations, or developing an obsession with death. I am not going to bring religion into the picture, because I think these feelings can happen to anyone regardless of their religious views.
C/O
"lets keep it secular, folks"
Okay, lets call it two. With some B12, and benzo's if it goes south.
I have to disagree with this. Psychedelics always put death in it's proper context for me. It might be just what op needs. They showed me how it doesn't matter it's all part of a system beyond our understanding etc. Thats a whole other thread in itself.
I think everyone has those moments where the inevitably of death hits you. It usually leads to some strange thoughts but in the end I'm usually not to worried about. it's certainly a trippy thought to dwell on though. We will all die no matter who we are we will die. It's crazy.
Without a lack of life, what would be the point of life?
I agree with you in every sense, but I'd prefer not to place inference on something like this, it's seriously not worth risking because I've seen LSD do some nasty shit to people who aren't stable enough to hold tight.
If you are prepared to accept what the psychedelics teach; then certainly it's a great experience but he's not starting from a neutral baseline; he's already experienced panic in the inevitability of the event, psychs will easily compound the anxiety. Granted it could do the complete opposite....
I see what you mean but I was always told I'd freak out on psycs because I have an extensive history of mental problems but I did it anyway and it changed my life in a very good way. Granted I was already very experienced in drugs but I think as long as you take it in a good environment preferably outdoors and just let it work it's magic you should be fine. Then again Ive never in my life had a bad trip so maybe I'm different. I would also recommend taking it with someone your first time.
EDIT: Let me add this which I think is very important. DO NOT take it if you arent already very comfortable with other drugs and you have to be mature enough to handle it. I cant stress the importance of being used to an altered state enough.
We make shit up to make death seem nice or romantic because it suits us. Because we have no option but death.
With death, there will always be regrets. There will always be what could have been, done or had but didn't.
Very true, the life best lived is the one that is true to your inner nature. Maybe everyone dies with a few regrets, not saying what you really felt, or maybe not knowing what you really felt until it was too late, or maybe passing up getting the clap from a 14 year old thai hooker. Fear, not of dying, but of truly living, lies within us all.
Each of us deals with death in our own way, and I do not fault those who wrap it in tapestries of eternal life, and blind themselves to the void. Nothingness is scary, shit yer drawers scary if you ask me.
This experience (I am the OP) did have interesting effects on my life. Soon after, I got on an online dating site and found a kinky darling I am going to shag senseless when I finally get to meet her IRL. I eat a little better,and drink a little less. When I walk my eyes see a little more, and I am writing like a bastard.
Nihilism fueled my 20's, my appetites obsessed my 30's, now that I am 40 my denial of my own demise has been eroded by the obvious truth. I am going to die, that is a fact. If I am going to live is up to me.
C/O
"There are two great questions in life, why are we here?, and what's for lunch?, I concern myself primarily with the second"