Their comes a time in any bad idea when you will come into a situation where the only tools you have at your disposal are your wit and your tongue. You should be taking as many precautions as you can as so this situation does not arise, however, bad luck can play a part.
The best lies are based in truth. You can tell a story and if all of it is truth bar one small fact, if the situation in which you tell this is fleeting, you will not be pulled up on it. However, it is sometimes necessary to fabricate a complex story that may be based in truth, but contains a lot of untruth.
Sure, if this is looked at deeply and evidence is given by many parties – for example in a court case, you could end up in more shit than taking the rap for what you are lying about, but sometimes a lie can be used like a bat as a get away tool – one quick hit and then make your tracks. Just make sure those tracks are hard to follow.
I cannot teach you wit, but I can point out how to anchor a story and I can tell you the things you must not do. Be advised, I do not tell you this to help anyone commit any crime of any kind – think of it more along the lines of how to place well in a lying competition.
The first piece of advice is believe yourself. You may be thinking 'how can I do that, I know its a load of shit'. If you cannot convince yourself, how the hell can you convince anyone else? The best way to practice this is by talking – getting attention and talking. Be it a story, or an anecdote or a joke, get good at it. Remember it is the little details that make the truth. Think of those old black and white films with the charming gentleman thief – the centre of attention at cocktail parties and the master of subterfuge in the ways of words.
If you have seen a film like Reservoir Dogs – think of the story Mr Orange must learn about the weed deal – how he must add little details like the shitty toilet – you must have little details like this too. Do not tell every detail when telling your lie – if you were questioned by a member of the authorities and you were telling the truth you would not. Small details stand out to the human mind, but it takes a very well trained mind to recall all details when first questioned. If you have ever been questioned by the police – either as a suspect or a victim – they will ask many questions about everything you say. If you have given them so much detail they do not need to ask questions, they will know you have a very well rehearsed lie. Any small detail you do give, you must remember – you may be asked it again and it must not contradict anything you have said.
Make your lie like real life. Do not give one word answers - you were not 'shopping', you were 'at a thrift market looking for old tools – you want one of those old brace and bits. Any one word answer is seen by anyone questioning you as hostility. Why so hostile? You either have something to hide or prove.
You must also remain calm. After all, why would you be anything else? Someone is asking you a question – you are just giving them an answer – no harm in that. You can be sure if an authority does not have any solid evidence against you, they will question you. If they had enough evidence, you would have hand cuffs on and be in the police car on the way to the station where you would fall down the stairs several times.
Body language is key. Look people in the eye and have your body almost square to theirs – if some one is sideways on, they are trying to make themselves as small as possible – trying to hide. However, if you are square on to someone this can be seen as hostile. Obviously this situation goes out of the window if you are walking down the street side by side, but if you are sitting opposite from them, you are the lounge lizard, you are Jim Morrison and Hunter S Thompson rolled into one, sipping margaritas and attracting the ladies. By the way – you are not The Fonze – The Fonze is not cool at all. Put him next to Jimi Hendrix and General Patton and he looks a dick, no?
You are also not a robot or a puppet – any movement you make must be fluid and not forced. When a person lies, they are accurately aware they are doing it. This acute awareness spills over into everything else they are doing – think about the times you were telling a lie and how you actually thought about any movement you were making. I bet you thought to yourself 'Does this movement look normal?' Well, no it did not as you were thinking too much about it.
Everything about you must be open. Eye contact is key. Keep it. Thou sun, of this great world both eye and soul, sail Milton, and it is true. Think of they eyes of a beggar and those of a salesman – they may both look at you directly, but they look at you in different ways. Become a student of human nature and learn what eyes tell people.
The direction eyes look in also plays a massive part. Very basically (for a right handed person) – they eyes looking left are constructing an image in the mind, looking to the right, you are remembering something. Try it – imagine you are on a beach, the sun is shining down on you – where is it coming from? Oh yeah, up there to the left.
You must become a master of the eye movement and the lie. The slightest drop in your guard will give you away – it is not just psychologists that use this, but teachers, police officers and businessmen all use this. Think back to school – think of the left handed kids – they would usually be more in the teachers attention than a right handed kid – not just because they wrote with the other hand, but because while the teacher had been trained to look at where eyes were looking, they were not trained well enough to realise this must be mirrored when looking at a left handed kid – they treated them as liars and day dreamers.
Your face will also give you away. People read emotion from the face – happiness, sadness, hostility and fear. Emotions are things of the unconscious mind – the come on quickly, last a few seconds and drift away suddenly. Think of a time some one was trying to communicate with you but only had a basic grasp of your language – they will use overblown facial features – think of a Chinaman trying to sell you something – big smiles, lots of nods and very nice – its a fake expression. Emotions are internal feelings and they come to the front quickly and fade into the background slowly. They are not turned on and turned off. Ensure it does not look like you are turning them on and off.
You must not put anything between you and the person you are lying to – be it crossed arms, an object, a person – real or constructed – or any physical barrier. Get close to that person. Remember that shouting I love you from afar has no where near the impact on your latest squeeze as getting close to them and telling them. Lying is the same.
Never be afraid to expose an indiscretion in the pursuit of a lie. As long as the indiscretion is a lie, any authority figure will take an admission that you have done something you think is bad as a sign you are telling the truth. After all, why would you be here this late at night? Maybe you came here to buy a bag of weed, or you heard people met in this car park for sex. If they believe you have exposed your underbelly, they will see it as a sign of submission – but we are clever dogs, and we only really want our stomachs tickled.
As a closing shot, if you want to gain something through a lie, give the person something they want too. Flattery gets you everywhere. You want to fuck a girl, tell her she is a pretty girl. You will have a lot more success than pulling her apart and exposing her flaws to the world (in the short term anyway, but brainwashing over a period of time is another thing). Likewise, if you are being questioned by an authority figure, you not only want to take the heat away from yourself, but deflect it elsewhere. Nothing wastes time like a well placed red herring, just do not give them to much to go on. Men have wasted more time time looking for buried treasure that 'might be in that field over their' than the ones with a map that says X marks the spot. Anyone else’s time wasted on something that might be nothing buys you time. Time is your friend.
Do not get caught out. Remember the lies you have told. Nothing makes a future lie more likely to be exposed than evidence of past lying.