|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Funny stories
---
Susan and Mark were driving down an isolated road, and, lo and
behold, a UFO landed near them. An alien couple came out and
proposed that they do a partner swap for the night.
Susan went into a bedroom on the ship with the alien male, and
before they jumped into bed, he put his finger in one ear and
twirled it, which caused his member to lengthen anormously. He
put his finger in his other ear, and caused his member to thicken
in the same way.
So when Susan and Mark got back together the next morning, she
asked him how he liked it. "Ah, not too well, not only was she
kind of large for me, but she kept distracting me like crazy by
tickling my ears the whole time."
---
It wasn't the apple in the tree that caused the problem.
It was the pair on the ground.
---
Three boys were discussing how fast there fathers were. The first
boy said, "My father's so fast that he can pitch a ball AND catch
it." The second boy said, "That's nothing, my father is so fast he
can shoot a gun, run down the field and hold up the target before
the bullet gets there." The third boy said, "Well my father works
for the government and he gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 3."
---
What's the difference between a Chinese prostitute and a
Japanese prostitute?
-- A Chinese prostitute opens her blouse and says
"Chu-Man, Chu!",
while a Japanese prostitute opens her blouse and says
"Nippon These!"
---
Roses are Diamond
Violets have Class
You'd look real good
with my hands on...
---
"Breasts, " said the sage," are a lot like electric trains. They're
meant for the children, but dad always ends up playing with them.
What's worse than lobsters on a piano?
-Crabs on your organ.
I know this woman who was so in love with her priest that she
chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.
---
Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband
cried "My God, Jan, What are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and saiid, "Didn't I tell
you he was dumb?!"
---
Did you hear about an operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist
boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she
humming his parts while he fingers her passages.
Did you hear about the basketball player who was so tall that his
girlfriend had to go up on him.
Did you hear about the couple on the stalled elevator who got
off between floors.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always
getting off on the wrong foot.
Did you hear about the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish
wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a
burial at sea.
Did you hear about the French girl who came to the U.S. but
soon returned home--she missed her native tongue.
Did you hear about the girl who was so undesirable that she
even turned her vibrator off.
Did you hear about the Las Vegas high roller who would flip his
nightly callgirl to see if he got head or tail.
Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage
until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he
still had the same milkman.
Did you hear about the marriage of the dipsomaniac and the
nymphomaniac. it was nip and f--k all the way.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They
don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang,
bang, bang.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Porn Flakes
that goes "Snatch! Nipple! Crotch!"
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios.
You simply add milk and they eat each other.
Did you hear about the newfie catastrophe, an outhouse burnt
down and left forty homeless.
Did you hear about the Newfie girls that are using hockey pucks
instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Backed off the bus because
he thought someone would grab his seat.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
'Margarine Legs' because they spread so easily.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
Tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Looked in a lumber yard for
a draft board.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Lost his girl friend because
he couldn't remember where he had laid her.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Picked his nose apart so he
could see how it ran.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put his hat on his head in
the john, so he would know what end to wipe.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put iodine on his pay cheque
because he got a cut in pay.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Sat home crying because her
husband was out shooting crap, and she didn't know how to cook it.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought his typewriter was
pregnant because it missed a couple of periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his pregnant wife to a
grocery store, because they had free delivery.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought bees hum because they
don't know the words.
Did you hear about the Newfie who thought his wife would look
good in something long and flowing, so he pushed her into the
Mississippi River.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese
children.
Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking
and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who wouldn't go out with his wife
because she was married.
???
Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her....
"The best woman a man ever had."
The waiter joined me.
--Rodney Dangerfield.
???
A quantum mechanics vacation
left his colleagues in dire consternation
For while studies had shown
that his speed was well known
his position was pure speculation!
---
Guiseppe and his wife went shopping one day. Guiseppe didn't want
to look at dresses with his wife, so he went off on his own. After
an hour or so his wife started to look for him. She asked a woman
"Havea youa seena my guiseppe, he'sa shorta a little balda, and fata?"
The woman replies no, and so she finds another woman to ask
"havea youa seena my Guiseppe, he'sa shorta a little balda, anda fata?"
Again the answer is no, so she continues looking and she asks a man
"havea youa seena my Guiseppe, he'sa shorta a little balda anda fata?"
The man replies "A fellow like that just went by here lickity-split"
She sighs "Nota my Guiseppe, he may pincha the bum, squeeza tit, but
never never lickade-split!
---
Some hookers are giving 77 now !!
It's just like 69, only you get ate more.
---
Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day the mother superior
called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You're going into a
sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage
of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their
apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll
give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
---
Or...... the nun went into the liquor store and asked for a
bottle of rum. The clerk said he could understand sacramental
wine, but why would she want rum? She told him it was for the
Mother Superior's constipation, and he sold it to her.
After eating his brown-bag lunch, he walked to the corner cafe
for a coffee and saw the nun leaning against a building, drunk as
a skunk, sipping from the bag enclosed rum bottle.
"Sister," he said, "this is disgraceful, you told me the rum was
for the Mother Superior's constipation!" "Yep," replied the
sister, "and when she sees me...... she'll sh*t!"
---
There was a man who hated blacks, and every time he saw one walking
on the side of the when he was driving he would knock them down.
One day he picked up a preist who was hitchiking, and when he saw
a black man walking on the side of the road, he realized he
couldn't very well kill him with the preist in the car so he
decided he would just drive really close to him and scare him.
He drove over close to him to scare him and he heard a loud thump.
He exclaimed "I'm sorry father, I thought I missed him." The preist
said "I did too thats why I had to open my door."
---
Once upon a time, there was a Newfie who owned a parrot that would
not talk. Try as though he might to teach the darn bird, the parrot
still would not talk. This puzzled the Newf so much that he finally
gave up and took the parrot to a veterinarian. "Well", said the vet
after examining the bird, "I see what your problem is. Your parrot
has a 'hair lip'. The bottom portion of his beak is protruding too
far over the top of his upper section. What I can do is take a file
and *very carefully* file it down to normal." Well, the ol' wheels
started to churn in the Newfs head and he told the vet that he could
very well take the bird home (to save money) and do it himself.
The vet replied, "Well....okay...but be careful! If you file it down
too much the bird will not be able to eat and it will die."
Two weeks later the vet is shopping in the local supermarket and he
spots the Newf. "How's the bird?" asked the doc. "Oh", the Newfie
says sadly, "he died." "God damn it I told you not to file it's beak
down too far!" attacked the vet. "Hey!", replied the Newf defensively,
"I *DIDN'T* file his beak down too far...he was dead when I took him
out of the vise grips!"
---
Woody Allen said:
Is sex dirty?
Only if it's done right.
---
THE FARTER FROM SPARTA
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasion.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine seranata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus :
Ooof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Triviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in Razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timber so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words :
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
---
---
What's a Chinese virgin?
-Too Young
What's the Chinese word for 69?
-Two Can Chew
What do you call a German virgin?
-Guten tight.
---
There was a lady who wanted to buy a parrot, so she went to a pet
store. There was only one parrot there, and the owner said she
may not want it since it had been brought up in a whore house.
The lady bought it anyway and took it home.
When she got home the parrot looked around and remarked
"I see you got some new furniture and drapes." The lady replied
"You're in a new home now, so everything will look different."
The parrot said nothing until the lady's daughter came home from school,
"oh I see you have some new girls." Again the woman explained that
he was in a new home now, and that the girl was her daughter.
A little time passed and the parrot said nothing until the lady's
husband came home and he sighed "At last a familiar face."l
---
After having a pretty good night on the town and feeling no
pain, this fellow finds his automobile gone. He goes to the local
police station to report his loss. He approaches the desk sergeant
and says "Ooofffficer, someone stole my car". The officer says "How
do you know it was stolen? and "Where was it when you last saw it?".
The drunk, holding his keys in the air responds "It was rrright
heeere on theee end of my key". The officer says "OK if we find your
car we will call you". The officer says "Oh mister, before you leave
the station please take the time to zip your fly". The drunk looks
down and says "Ooofffficer someone stole my girlfriend too!
---
In a small country church, the good reverand asked everyone
to rise and sing hymn number 231. The song had just gotten
underway when he heard a loud -SMACK- and saw 10 year old Billy
go rolling into the aisle.
The lad picked himself up, dusted off his clothes and moved
back onto the pew.
Later the preacher announced another hymn and the congregation
had just risen to its feet when, -KAPOW-!! here comes little
Billy rolling into the aisle again.
After the service the minister called Billy aside and asked
what had happened.
"Well, Preacher," drawled the lad, "I wuz standin' there behind
Miz Jones. Now you know how big and fat she is, an' I noticed her
dress and her drawers wuz gathered up between her cheeks in the
back. I wuz just trying to be nice and helpful, so I reached
and pulled 'em out an' she knocked me awinding."
"Mercy!" exclaimed the preaher. "No wonder she struck you.
But what happened the second time?"
"Well, when we got up the next time, I figured she musta
wanted 'em in there, so I poked 'em back in."
---
Q: Did you hear about the guy you made a million dollars in Poland with
Cheerios?
A: He sold them as doughnut seeds.
---
My grandfather lived to 101. When he was 96 he went to
the Dr. & said (in Italian) "Doc, my sex drive is too high".
The Dr. was surprised & gave him a complete physical.
At the end the Dr. said, "You're in good shape for a 96 year
old man. Exactly what do you mean the your sex drive is too
high??"
To which Grandpa replied, "It's all in my head;
I want it lower!"
---
Van Gogh was well-known to be rash;
He cut off his ear with one slash,
And gave it with pride
To a doxy who sighed,
"Gee, thanks, Vince, but I prefer cash!"
---
Harold, a delapidated 70-year old man, had never wanted one woman
so much in his life... but he overhead the 22-year old beauty remark
that he was too old and out of shape for her.
The determined man immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-
improvement program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee,
ran five miles every day, lifted weights, and adopted a strict
vegetarian diet. Within months, the rejuvenated old man won the
young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning. He confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates,
furiously. "How could you do this to me, after all the pain I
went through?"
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you!"
---
A man is jogging down a beach when he see's a woman with no arms or
legs sitting on a blanket crying. He goes up to her and asks what's
wrong. She replies by saying that she has never been hugged before.
Feeling sorry for her, he picks her up and hugs her. A few minutes
later, he jogs by again and sees the same woman crying. He goes up to
get and asks what's wrong. She replies by saying that she has never
been kissed before. Feeling sorry for her he picks he up and gives her
a little kiss on the cheek. A few minutes later, he jogs by and sees
the same woman crying. Fed up he goes to her and asks what's the matter
now. She replies that she has never been fucked before so he picks her
up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There! Now you're fucked!"
---
Why did they finally decide to allow women into the space program?
Because they realized they weighed 100 lbs. less than a dishwasher.
---
83 year old Uncle Sid was known for being flirtatious. One day, his
wife goes to the doctor. The doctor decides to have a little fun
with her and announces "Congratulations, your pregnant!". Sid's wife
is startled and asks, "Doc, are you sure?". "Oh yes," replies the
doctor, "all the test verify it." Sid's wife ask, "Well, may I use
your phone?" "Sure", says the doctor. She dials the phone and says,
"Sid, you SOB. I'm pregnant!" Sid replies, "Who's calling?"
------------------------------
A grandfather was watching his grandson playing in the dirt.
Suddenly, the kid pulls a worm out of the ground. The grandfather
says, "I'll give you a dollar if you can put the worm back in the
ground." The kid tries for a while then gets up, goes into the house
and comes out with a can of hairspray. He holds up the worm and
sprays it. Then he takes the stiff worm and puts it back in the
hole. "That's a good trick," says the grandfather, "here's your
dollar." The next morning, the kid is out playing in the dirt again
when the grandfather comes out into the yard. He hands the kid
another dollar and says,"This is from your grandmother. She thought
it was a good trick too!"
---
The pretty young nun was tearfully addressing the Mother Superior
on the subject of sexual transgression with a handsome young priest
from the next parish.
She is sincerely promising that never will it happen again, that it
was horrible and demeaning and her greatest fear would be to become
pregnant and bring down disgrace on her order.
The MS looks at her and says, "OK, eat this lemon, right now!"
"Will this keep me from getting pregnant?"
"No, but it will take that grin off your face."
---
What do video games and Playboy have in common?
- They both improve your hand-eye coordination.
What's this (a twisted up paper clip)?
-The Bionic woman's pubic hair.
Why's a boss like a diaper?
-He's always on your ass and usually full of shit.
---
What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe said to her husband?
You feed the dogs, honey, and I'll feed the fish.
---
So, when Patsy & Antonio first got off the boat they had $1.25
between them. Patsy spoke no Enlish and Antonio - just a
little. So, Antonio took all there $$ & went into the first
store they saw (a drug store) for to find the American Dream.
About 15 minutes later, Antonio came out with a small brown
bag. Smiling broadly, he handed it to Patsy who, upon opening
it found a box of Kotex.
"Whatsa this?", said Patsy, "Whata good will this do us?".
"Witha this", said Antonio (reading the side of the box) "we
can goa swimming, horseback ridding, bicycling, ...".
---
---
Sex is a misdemeanor. Da more I miss, Da meanor I get.
---
After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting to make ends
meet, a woman begged her tightfisted husband to give her money.
"Can't you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a
roast?" she asked.
Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and
held it up to the mirror. "See the money in the mirror? That's
yours. And this," he said, putting the ten-spot back in his
pocket, "is mine."
The next evening, he went home to find the table filled
with steak, ham and cornish hens. "Where did you get the money
for all of this?" he barked.
His wife took him to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror?
That's yours. And this one," she said, pulling off her dress,
"is the butcher's"
---
A weekend duffer teed off and sliced his shot behind a tree.
The second shot ricocheted off the tree, hit him in the head and
killed him.
The shaken and dazed fellow suddenly found himself standing
before the pearly gates. Saint Peter, scanning a clipboard, asked,
"How did you get here?"
"In two."
---
While relaxing during a break in joint war maneuvers, an Air
Force general, and Army general and a Navy admiral were arguing
about which branch of Service had the bravest men.
"It's no contest. Just watch this," the admiral exclaimed as
he turned to shout to a nearby sailor. "Seaman! Catch that anchor
before it hits the ground."
"Aye, aye sir!" the seaman said, saluting smartly before being
smashed beneath the weight of the anchor.
"Gentlemen," the admiral said, drawing a puff on his cigar,
"that took guts."
Undaunted, the Army general turned to a private. "Son, go stop
that tank."
"Yes, sir!" the GI replied as he ran in front of an oncoming
machine. The driver did not stop and the soldier was crushed.
"Gentlemen," the general boasted, "that took real guts."
The Air Force general called to one of his men, "Airman, catch
F-16 as it lands."
The young recruit immediately snapped, "F**k you! You crazy?"
Smiling with pride, the officer turned to his companions and
said, "now gentlemen, that took balls!"
---
The hit-and-run victim was getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to
run me over," the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh."
---
It took dinner, a show, a couple of nightcaps and hours of
conversation for the fellow to get the reluctant young woman
into bed with him. After a night of lovemaking, the smitten
woman looked into her satisfied lover's eyes and asked, "Am I
the first girl you ever made love to?"
"Hmmm, could be," he replied. "Were you at the nineteen
eight-one world series?"
---
As she neared her 40th birthday, the unmarried bank executive
decided that if she ever wanted children, she would have to take
matters into her own hands by arranging for artificial insemination.
On the day of her appointment, she was led into a room and told
by the technician to step behind the screen and disrobe. The woman
did as she was told but was shocked to see the fellow pulling
down his pants as she nervously emerged. "Hey, I though the stuff
came in bottles," she said.
"Well, I'm out of bottles right now," he replied. "so I thought
I'd give it to you straight from the tap."
---
During a diplomatic reception at the White House, a Third
World ambassador was making small talk with President Bush. "I
understand, Mr. President, that americans enjoy naming their
automobiles after former Presidents."
"Why, yes," Bush replied. "We do have Lincolns and Fords."
Then, turning to the Vice-President, the Ambassador added,
"And stuffed animals, as well?"
Quayle looked puzzled for a moment, then brightening,
exclaimed, "Ah, yes! Garfield."
---
"Overpopulation in China" by Wee Fuk-Yung
"50 miles to the outhouse" by Willy Makeit, and Betty Won't
---
What do you give to the Newfie that has everything?
A garbage truck to keep it all in...
Why doesn't GM give it's Newfie mechanics coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them!
---
Did you hear what the athlete said when confronted with the
results of his drug test?
"Da, I din take no stereos"
---
BRASSIERE Device that makes a mountain out of a molehill.
BABY CARRIAGE Last years fun on wheels
FORNICATION The most fun you ever had without laughing
KEPT WOMAN One who wears mink all day and fox all night
METALLURGIST A man who can take one look at a platinum blond
and tell whither she is a virgin steal or common
ore
MISTRESS Something between a mister and a mattress
KISS An upper persuasion for a lower invasion
PSYCHIATRIST A man who tries to find out if infants have more
fun in infancy than adults in adultery
PRIVATE A woman who uses no rubbers and misses no periods
SECRETARY
PAJAMAS Items of clothing that newlyweds place by their
beds in case of fire
RAPE Seduction without salesmanship
TRUE LOVE Injection of a projection without objection
---
what do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway
---
---
What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?
Kick them to San Jose and pick them up..........
---
These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog.
All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..."
---
This Nun and Priest were crossing the dessert on a camel one day, when all
of a sudden, the camel dropped dead. They didn't have enough food and
water to get to where they were going, or where they came from, so they sat
down in the sand to meet their maker. After about 30 minutes, the old
Priest says, "You know, I have been a Priest all my life and have never
seen a grown woman naked." The Nun thought about it for a little while and
decided that the Lord would understand. So, she took off all her cloths.
After a while, the Nun said, "You know, I have been a Nun all my life and
have never seen a grown man naked." So the old Priest took his cloths off.
After a while, the priest said, "You know, if I take this (pointing to his
prick) and stick it in that (pointing at her pussy) it creates life!"
The Nun said, "It does? Well Shit! Stick that son of a bitch in that
camel and lets get going.!!!!!"
---
This old drunk wandered into a Catholic church. He weaved up between
the pews and went into the confessional booth. The old Priest sees
this and thinks to himself, poor soul, he wants to give confession. So
the old Priest goes into his side of the booth and opens the little
door. The old drunk leaned over and said in a very drunken voice,
"You got any paper in there?"
---
What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.......
What is the definition of the perfect husband?
A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his ears.....
---
How are an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans different?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on it..............
---
Did you hear about the Rock Hudson designer jeans?
They have knee pads in the front and a zipper in the rear....
---
What do you get if you mix a Pollack and a Mexican?
A guy that spray paints his name on a chain link fence.......
---
This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every time
he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife came home and
announced that she was going to the National Housewives Convention and
she would need a thousand dollars. The salesman asked her, "Why?" She
said, "You take a thousand dollars with you every time you go to a
convention." He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble,
and you have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?"
---
This guy walks into a bar and throws an octopus up on the bar. He says
to the bartender, "I'll bet you double or nothing on my drink, that this
octopus can play any instrument you got." The bartender figures what the
hell, I'll take that bet. So he throws a clarinet up on the bar. Sure
enough, the octopus played it. The next night the guy came back in. This
time, the bartender threw a trumpet up on the bar. Sure enough the
octopus played the trumpet. This went on for about two weeks. Finally,
one night the bartender threw a set of bagpipes on the bar. The octopus
got on top of the bagpipes and start wiggling all over them. This went
on for several minutes. Finally, the bartender yelled, "Ah-ha, your going
to have to pay double for your drink tonight!" The guy replied, " Give him
a few minutes. As soon as he figures out that he can't fuck it, he'll
play it!"
---
This old black lady calls her friend one day and asks, "Mabel, hows it
going?" Mable replies, "Jesamine, you won't believe it. I went to the
zoo yesterday. As I was walking past the gorilla cage, one of them
grabbed me, pulled me through the bars, and fucked my eyeballs out!"
Jesamine says, "Mable, did it hurt?" She says, "Hurt!?, Hurt!?. He
don't write! He don't call!!"
---
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves
the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day.
Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it,
I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of
the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table.
They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy
replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times......."
---
What does Billy Grahm and the Houston Oilers have in common?
They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes,
they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!
---
This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in
her foot. The further she walked, the more sore it got. After a while she
started to limp. After a while, this ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's
the matter?" The elephant answers, "I've got this thorn in my foot and I
would do anything to get it out." The ant says, "Anything? Would you let
me butt fuck you?" The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided
what the hell. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed. The ant started
pulling on the thorn and sure enough, he got it out. True to her word, the
elephant laid down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant
crawled up on her and started going to town. This monkey was up in a tree
watching this. He couldn't quite believe his eyes. He started laughing and
rolling around in the tree. Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that
went down and hit the elephant right between the ears. The elephant moaned
loudly in pain, "Awwoooohhhhh!" The ant yelled at the top of his voice,
"Take it all bitch, take it all !!!!!!"
---
Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying
to kill him?
He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet.....
---
How can you tell that a family of Pink Flamingos has moved in next door?
By all of the plastic Mexicans in the front yard..........
---
This airline captain came on the intercom one day, "Good afternoon
ladies and gentlemen. Our cruising altitude will be 33,000 feet, our
E.T.A. is three o'clock. The weather in Chicago is clear and sunny,
about 77 degrees. I want to thank you for your patronage. We know you
have a choice." Then you hear a clunk as he sets the microphone down,
and he says, "Well, I think I'll go take a shit and fuck the stewardess."
The stewardess hears this and goes running forward to tell the captain
that the mic is still on. About halfway up the isle, she trips and
falls flat on her face. A little old lady leans over and says, "Take it
easy honey, take it easy. He said he was going to take a shit first..."
---
A guy walks into a bar and sets an alligator up on the bar. He betsthe
bartender a free drink that he will open the alligator's mouth, stickhis
dick in it, and count to ten very slowly. The bartender says, "Yea, I'll
take that bet." So the guy unzips his pants, pulls out his dick, and
lays it in the alligator's mouth. "1, 2, 3, - 10" The bartender says,
"I can't believe that. Hell, if there is anyone else in the bar who will
do that, I'll buy them a drink too." A little guy in the back says,
"I'll do it, but, I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
---
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up
and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the
fairway. Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked
and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird
flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go.
Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on
it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore,
a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel
ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to
God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna fuck around!!"
---
Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years?
One of them dropped a quarter............
---
How do you tell that a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm?
She quits reading her magazine.....
---
How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish?
He says, "Wanna buy a piece of candy little girl?"
---
This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was pregnant
and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped by an Israeli
patrol. The soldiers asked for some identification. The soldiers looked
at the I.D.s and saw that the man was Joseph, and the lady was Mary. So
they asked the couple where they were going. They replied "Jerusalem."
The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, "Yea, and I guess your
going to name the baby Jesus?" The couple replied, " What!? We look
Puerto Rican?!?!?!"
---
What do you get when you mix a Wurlitzer and a bag of M&M's?
An organ that melts in your mouth.........
---
This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the
waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his
mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed
potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I
should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch,
why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in
the kitchen......"
---
Did you hear how Larry Flint got the idea for Hustler magazine?
He was sitting in a dentist chair reading a Playboy when the
dentist said, "Could you open a little wider please.."
---
This zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female gorilla was
really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take care of her. One day
they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who would "take care of"
this female gorilla. They started at $200.00 but got no response. Finally,
at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad. The guy looked at the gorilla and told
the zoo keeper that he would do it, if, they would put a bag over the
gorilla's head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over the gorillas
head and this guy got into the cage. Well this gorilla was extremely horny.
She grabbed this guy and started fucking him every way you could imagine.
They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making love wildly.
All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top of his voice, "Get it
off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped in the cage and pulled the
gorilla off. The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to
get it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the bitch!"
---
This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go is a
beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty beach, but
it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as pretty on South Padre
Island." The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea
this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings than
this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal." Well this goes
on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something in Texas just as good.
The tour guide is getting tired of this. Finally he takes the group up
to the top of a live volcano. As they are standing around this, the tour
guide looked at the Texan and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got
anything like this in Texas?" The Texan thought about it for a minute and
replied, "Well no. But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in
Waco that will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....."
---
How are hemorrhoids and yankees alike?
If they come down and go back, it's all right.....
If they come down and stay, it's a bitch......
---
What's the difference between a male flea and a female flea?
A female flea has a tiny hiney....
A male flea has a teeny weeny....
---
These two ladies were walking down the street when they came across this
frog. The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a handsome Texas oil
man." One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse.
The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that frog?"
She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more money than a
Texas oil man......"
---
How are an old man and a bumper sticker alike?
The older they get, the harder it is to get them off......
---
What's Smoreplay?
It's what Smurfs do before they Smuck......
---
Why do Blacks make good Gynecologists?
There used to big lips, curly hair, and bad breath......
---
A Mexican, Pollack, and a Black fell off a building at the same time.
Do you know which one hit the pavement first?
The Black...
The Mexican stopped to paint his name on the side of the building..
The Pollack got lost.......
---
How many Ethiopians can you get in a bathtub?
None. They keep slipping down the drain.....
---
How many Ethiopians can you get in a phone booth?
All of them.........
---
How many animals can you get into a pair of panty hose?
Fifteen. Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver and
a fish that you can never find......
---
What do you call a Mexican who has had a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez......
---
Do you know how break dancing got started?
Black kids trying to steal hub caps off of moving cars.......
---
This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.
He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure enough, a
genie popped out. The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of
that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish." So the guy thought
about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major
metropolitan city." Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo...
---
How do you get a Jewish American Princess off?
Paste sale ads on the ceiling......
---
What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco?
A fruit roll up.....
---
The geography of a woman.....
From 13 - 18 she is like Africa. Virgin and unexplored. From 18 - 35
she is like Asia. Wild and exotic. From 35 - 45 she is like the
United States. Fully developed and free with her resources. From
45 - 55 she is like Europe. Well explored and just about worn out, but,
still has points of interest. From 55 on, she is like Australia.
Everybody knows it's down there, but, nobody gives a damn......
---
This guy was driving down the highway one day when he noticed an old farmer
plowing a field. Each time the guy got to the end of a row, he would stick
his finger up the mule's ass and then wipe his lips with it. The guy
watched this for six or seven rows and finally he just couldn't stand it
anymore. He had to ask the guy, "What the hell are you doing?" The old
farmer replied, "Plowing my field." The guy goes, "Yea, I can see that.
But why are you sticking your finger up that mule's ass and then wiping your
lips?" The old farmer says, "Oh, that. Well you see, I've got chapped
lips." The guy asks "Chapped lips? How the hell does that help chapped
lips?" The farmer replies, "Well it sure keeps me from licking them....."
---
This queer goes to the Doctor for an examination. The Doctor does his
normal examination. The queer really enjoys the rectal exam. A week
goes by and the queer shows up again. He says, "All I want is the
rectal exam." The Doctor thinks, what the hell. Twenty bucks is
twenty bucks. So he gave the guy the exam. Another week goes by and
here comes the queer again. This goes on for about a month. One day
the queer comes in and as the Doctor is giving the guy the rectal exam,
he finds a twig hanging out of the guy's butt. As he pulls it out, he
realizes that the damn thing is a long stem rose. The Doctor says,
"What the hell is this?!" The queer says, "Read the card! Read the card!"
---
What goes in hard, and comes out soft?
Bubble gum......
---
These two Black guys were traveling through north Louisiana on their way
from Chicago to Mardi Gras. This old hick sheriff sees them and pulls them
over. The driver says, "Officer, what did I do?" The cop answers, "Boy,
get out of that car and let me see your license." The Black guy gets out of
the car and says "But officer, what did I do?" Wham! The old cop hits him
on the side of his head and says, "Boy, don't give me no
back talk!" So the black guy gives him his license. Then the cop asks
where they are going. The Black guy hesitates for a minute and again, Wham!
The cop hits him again and says, "Boy, when I ask you a question, you answer
me!" So the Black guy replied, "We're on our way to New Orleans for Mardi
Gras." So the cop gives the license back and walks around to the other side
of the car. When he gets there, he reaches in and slaps the shit out of the
other Black guy. The Black guy says, "What was that for?" The cop replies,
"I was just granting your wish. I know that as soon as you two got out of
sight you were going to say, I wish that bastard had hit me like that."
---
How are a toilet seat and a waitress different?
A waitress has to wait on more than one asshole at a time..
---
What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and
a Catholic American Princess?
A Catholic American Princess has fake jewelry and real orgasms....
A Jewish American Princess has real jewelry and fake orgasms......
---
Have you ever noticed that single men, as a general rule are slender
and married men are chunky... You know why?
Cause when a single man gets home, he looks in the refrigerator
and then goes to bed......
When a married man gets home, he looks in the bed, then goes
to the refrigerator.........
---
These two space men landed on earth. They walked up to a fence pole and
said, "Take us to your leader!" When the pole did not respond, they blew it
away leaving it in flames. Next they walked up to a cow. "Take us to your
leader or we will blow you away too!" The cow just sat there chewing her
grass. The space men blew her away too. Next they walked into a small
town. The first thing they came up to was a gas station. Again they said,
"Take us to your leader or we will blow you away!" When the gas pump didn't
respond the space man raised his gun and started to fire. The second said,
"Wait a minute. Maybe we shouldn't." The second pulled the trigger. There
was this giant explosion with flames all over the place. The first space
man asked, "How did you know?" The second responded, "Any guy that can take
his dick, wrap it around his head and stick it in his ear, you don't fuck
with......"
---
---
Diet Tips:
1.) If no one sees you eat it--it has no
calories
2.) If you drink a diet soda while eating a
candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3.) Calories count only if you know about
them, don't read labels.
4.) If you eat a large breakfast after
drinking all night, the food will
contain 0 calories.
5.) Milk-Duds eaten while watching a movie
don't count.
---
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get ship-wrecked on an
island inhabited by cannibals who, after eating their victims use
their skins to make canoes.
As a last wish, the men can decide by what means they want to die so
that their deaths will be honorable.
The Englishman says: "Give me a revolver." He puts the gun to his
head and states: "God save the Queen!" And blows his brains out; a very
honorable death.
The Frenchman says: "Give me a sword." He places the tip of the
sword over his heart and shouts: "Vive le France!" And thrusts it
into his heart; a very honorable death.
The American says "Give me a fork." And procedes to stab himself
repeatibly while saying: "F**k your canoe!"
----
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A visitor on a ship asked, "Excuse me, Captain, but do you do
all your laundry aboard the ship?"
"Oh, no, " replied the Captain. "We toss it over the side and
it's washed ashore."
---
Isn't that the same crew that went to the lumberyard to buy some 2x4s?
The salesman asked them how long they wanted them, and they replied,
"A long time. We're building a house."
---
BOAT - Hole in the water into which one pours money.
---
What's Libya's famous Line of Death?
-"Hey Moammar, You suck!"
---
What is the difference between a running man and a running dog?
One wears trousers and the other pants.
---
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex.
It was the worst twenty minutes of my life!
---
Scott went to the doctor to get help for his problem. Everytime he
saw a cute girl, he got a huge hard-on (so what's the problem?). Anyway,
the Doctor told him to go out and buy a cast-iron jockstrap.
Following the Doctor's orders, Scott did buy the jockstrap, and
that he wore it when he went to a strip bar. The next morning, the
following headline appeared in the newspaper:
"Four Exhibitionsts Killed by Unknown Flying Shrapnel"
---
While performing a vasectomy, the Doctor slipped with the scalpel
a little and cut one of the boy's balls off. Thinking fast, the Doctor
substituted the first thing he saw, an onion from his lunch bag,
assuming the patient would never notice the difference.
Weeks later, when the patient returned for a checkup, the Doctor
asked, "Have you been ok since the operation?"
"I feel ok, but some strange things have been happening in my
life and to my cock," answered the patient.
"what sort of things are you talking about?" questioned the
Doctor.
"Well," began the patient, "maybe it's nothing, but everytime I
take a leak, my eyes water. Everytime my girlfriend sucks my cock, she
gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a Burger King, I get a hard on!"
---
Why don't rabbits make noise when they fuck?
- - - Because they have cotton balls...
---
Man is trying to fly his kite but every time he gets it going good a
gust of wind sends it into a spin and it nose dives into the ground.
Afetr watching this several times his wife shouts to him "You need a
little more tail!" The man mutters to himself "I guess I'll never
understand that woman - just last night she told me to go fly a kite."
---
These sciencintists wanted to see how far a frog could jump. They got a
frog, and measered his horizontal leap. It was 50 feet.
They taught the frog to jump as far as it could when they said "jump".
Then they cut off one of the frog's legs and said "jump", he jumped 25
feet
Then they cut off another leg, said "jump", and he jumped 12 feet.
Then they cut off a third leg, said "jump", and he jumped 6 feet.
Then they cut off the last leg, said "jump", but the frog didn't jump!
They repeted this, and again, the frog didn't respond!
THE MORAL: Frogs loose thier hearing when you chop off thier legs.
---
If whiskey makes you frisky, and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl
pregnant?
Two high balls and a squirt.
---
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box??????
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face. and moaning, "Lie to me!!"
---
Some interesting notes received by the Welfare Department
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I
have seven but one died and was baptized on a half-sheet of
paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was
born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been
visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me
why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now
am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed that you have branded my son Illiterate.
This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was
born.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children;
one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't
had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to
lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any
difference?
I have no children as yet, as my husband is a truck driver and
works night and day.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with
the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good. If
things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
I am tired of you people calling us refugees. We are Fitch's
and here is my birth certificate to prove it.
---
This doctor tells a guy he has only six months to live. Advises him to
cut out cigarettes, booze and women. The guys asks "Will I live
longer?". Doctor says "No, but it'll seem one hell of a lot longer."
---
Speaking of taxidermy, I once heard of a combination veterinarian &
taxidermist. Their motto was, "Either way, you get your dog back."
---
There was once a Queen of Bavaria
Whose parts had grown hairier and hairier
Till a Prince from Peru
Who came by for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
---
---
Why can't gypsies have babies?
-Cuz their husbands have crystal balls.
Why can't witches have babies?
-Cuz their husbands have hallowe'enies.
What's Smurf Sex?
-Doing it until you're blue in the face!
---
Dear Abby,
There are two women who live in
the apartment across the hall from
mine. One is a 29 year old phys ed
teacher and the other a 36 year old
aerobics instructor. I've never seen
a man going into or coming out of
their door. Do you think maybe
they're Lebanese?
---
Adam and Eve were bedding down for the night. Feeling a bit
amorous, Adam reached over to give Eve a hug and a kiss.
Eve pushed him away.
"What's the matter, Eve?" inquired Adam.
Eve accused, "You've been seeing someone else, haven't you?"
"Eve, you know there's no one else but you."
Not believing him, she turned over with her back to Adam.
Shrugging his shoulders, Adam turned over also, and fell asleep.
Once Adam was asleep, Eve turned over, and started to count his ribs...
---
There once was a man from St. Paul,
Who had a dick as big as he was tall,
When he had a wet dream,
He woke up with a scream,
And pole-vaulted right into the wall.
---
Geographers do it all over the world.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Bankers do it with more interest.
Microbiologists do it in high power.
Teachers do it with class.
Fisherman do it where it's wet.
Debaters do it orally.
Moto-crossers do it with a two-stroke.
Enduro riders do it longer.
Physicists do it with torque.
Sailors do it in the sheets.
Plumbers do it with bigger pipes.
Proctologists do it bass ackwards.
Deaf Mutes do it with their fingers.
Austrailians do it with more bounce.
Fireman do it with their hoses.
Tennis Players do it with Luv.
Physicists do it atomically.
Kamakazis do it once.
Politicians do it with:
1) committees
2) our taxes
APLers do it with strange characters
Carpet layers do it on the floor
Microcomputer programmers do it on a desk-top.
Programmers did it on a laptop?
HAM OPERATORS DO IT WITH FREQUENCY.
ENGINEERS PROBE THE SITUATION.
MUSICIANS DO IT WITH INSTRUMENTS.
ENGINEERS do it with precision.
---
WHAT DO A BANKER, AN INTERIOR DECORATOR, A Delivery man and a
DENTIST SAY TO THEIR LADYFRIENDS DURING SEX?
The DELIVERY MAN SAYS, "WHERE do you want it, the front or the back?"
THE DENTIST SAYS "Open Wide..."
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR SAYS, "DO YOU LIKE IT?"; THE
The BANKER SAYS, "DON'T WITHDRAW NOW, YOU'LL LOSE INTEREST."
---
On the subject of "wishes"...... A man found a magic lamp. He
rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie offered him one wish.
"I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my
life," the man said.
So the genie turned him into a commode.
---
Top Ten Tricks You Can Play On The Census Taker:
10. Excuse yourself from room & come back wearing different clothes.
Repeat fifteen times.
9. Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family
Fued".
8. Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as
one person or two.
7. Repeatedly ask "And how many eskimos did we count today?"
6. Invite them to take shower to freshen up--then keep flushing toilet.
5. Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood okay.
4. Insist on 1st amendment right to answer questions in mime.
3. After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he
notices.
2. Two words: plastic vomit.
1. Start going "168 million and one, 168 million and two" so guy gets
messed up and has to start all over.
---
POLISH SEX MANUAL:
STEP 1: in
STEP 2: out
STEP 3: if necessary, repeat steps 1 and two.
---
This reminds me of a story about Johnny in grammar school. One day,
Johnny was daydreaming in school and not paying attention. His
teacher, having called on him 3 times so far, decided to get his
attention. She stepped up to him and said "JOHNNY! If eggs are 34
cents a dozen, and the sun is 32 million miles away, how old am I?"
Johnny replied "Well, the way I figure it, you must be 32" His
teacher replied "Exactly right, Johnny. Tell me, how did you figure
that one out?" "Easy", replied Johnny, "my sister is 16 and she is
only half crazy...."
---
Do you know why they don't allow dog's at the White House?
Because they chase the Quayle's and piss on the Bushes......
---
Top Ten Things Overheard During the Detroit Piston's Visit
To The White House
10. Why not let the Secret Service frisk the players, Mrs. Bush?
9. Which wing did Elvis live in?
8. Whoops! Was that old table valuable?
7. Which one of you gentlemen is Meadowlark?
6. Stop playing keep away with Mr. Quayle's cap!
5. I hope the Lakers are enjoying their visit to Mike Dukakis' house
4. Where's the bat computer?
3. Hey! There's a rubber machine in the bathroom!
2. Isiah! Don't push that button! OH MY GOD!!!
1. This sucks! We should have taken the FBI tour.
---
One day a boy brought a few metal marbles to callo class with him.
During class he accidently dropped them on the floor and they made an
terrible noise. The teacher turned around from the board and said
"Alright. Who's got the balls of steel?"
Johnny instantly replied "Superman!".
---
How does the Polish firing squad differ from any other country's
firing squad?
--- It stands in a circle...
---
MILLIE'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES
(Millie being the White House Dog)
10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's Chair.
9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the
couch.
8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys.
7. Spuds
6. When the Korean Ambassador gets hungry.
5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle.
4. Having the same name as that idiot Vanilli.
3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint.
2. Being known as "The First Bitch."
1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring "Nice Kitty, Nice
Kitty."
---
Traveling salesman stops at the farmer's house late one night...etc..
The farmer says "sure, but only if you'll sleep with my son.",
and the salesman says "Pardon me, but I think Im in the wrong joke!"
---
This man was walking along minding his own buisness, when he saw this
woman with a breast hanging out from her dress. He goes up to her and
says, "Lady, you've got a breast hanging out of your dress."
She looks down, suprised, she then says, "Oh My God! I left my baby on
the bus!"
---
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate.
---
Why was Cinderella such a bad basketball player?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach...
---
And then there was the kid who brought 2 black bearings with him
to school and rolled them toward the front of the class. The teacher
turned around from the board and said
"Alright. WHo's the comedian with the 2 black balls?"
Johnny instantly replied "Bill Cosby!"
---
---
By the way, did you happen to hear what happened to the Pope when he
went to Mount Olive?
Popeye got mad and hit him.
---
I'm writing a new novel on Drug Addiction.
In the end, the Hero gets the Heroin!
---
---
This guy is deserted on a desert island with only a doberman and a pig.
After about three years he gets to the point where he is trying to
decide which one appeals to him more. He decides on the pig for obvious
sharp reasons, but everytime he starts to make a move on the pig the
doberman starts snapping and growling and chases him away.
One day he's down by the beach and this gorgeous naked woman arrives by
lifeboat. And she's unconscious.
The man spends the next two weeks tending to her, and finally she wakes
up and says to him "You saved my life...I'll do anything, a n y t h i n
to repay you!"
And he says....
"Mind taking that dog for a walk?"
---
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the
doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an
additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
---
Did you hear about the house of the evening on top of the Andies. There
were three guys on the mountain that night. One was going up the
mountain, one was on top of the mountain, taking care of business, one
was coming down the mountain. What were the nationalities of the three
guys?
....
The one going up, was Russian.
The one on top, Hymalayin.
The one desending, Finish.
---
After several private tutorial meetings, the anthropology
instructor invited the struggling student to his house to
view his personal collection of artifacts.
As they entered his living room, the young woman began
giggling. Pointing to an object on the mantel, she
asked, "What's that?"
"Actually," he explained, "it's a phallic symbol used
by the Australian aboriginies in their fertility rites."
"Well, that's a relief," she said, "I'd hate to tell
you what it looks like."
---
A man walking down the street in New York City
saw another man lieing down in the street, and
he ran over to him and said, "Sir, do you
need help?" and the man said, "Oh, no, thank
you, I'm fine...I found this parking place
and I've sent my wife to buy a car."
---
Fellow walks into a lawyers office and asks how much it will cost to ask
him 3 questions.
The lawyer answers "$3,000.
"3,000" asks our friend...isn't that kind of high.
"Yeah" says the lawyer...what's your third question?
---
What takes 3 minutes and lasts 9 months?
Give up?
An Aggie's Bath.
---
Why don't you wear a condom on your head?
If your'e gonna act like a di** you might as well dress like one!
---
These Two guys were on there way to heaven on a transport of some
sort. One guy was calm and The Guy next to him was shivering and
so he asked him "What happened to you". The Guy replied, "I
froze to death, and you" "Well" the other guy said, "I found out
my wife was having an affair. So I rushed home and Search for
him. I know he was there I searched for hours, I wanted to find
him, I was so mad. Well I had an Heart attack and died." The
other guy looked at them shivered a bit and said "You could have
looked in the Freezer!!!!"
---
a new birth control method was being discussed by
two girls at college.
"You put a pebble in his shoe and it makes him limp"
---
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN A BOMB GOES OFF IN YOUR KITCHEN?
ans. LINOLEUM BLOWNAPART!
---
---
2 + 2 = 5 (for relatively large values of 2)
The future? Like the present, only longer.
---
After several months on an island with just a pig and a
Doberman for companions, the lonely man awoke one morning as
horny as hell. Putting his natural reservations aside, he
hungrily eyed the two animals, prudently settling on the pig.
Just as he approached the porker, the dog ran up between them
and began to snarl, putting an end to his amorous plans.
After weeks of frustration, the man spotted a raft drifting
onto shore. On board was an unconscious woman. For two weeks,
the man tended her as best he could, barely able to take his eyes
off her. Finally, she awoke.
"Are you all right?" the man asked.
"Oh, yes" the woman replied. "How can I ever thank you?"
"Well, there is one thing..." the ecstatic man began.
"Just name it," she insisted.
"Do you think you could take that damn dog for a walk?"
---
How do San Franciscans perform safe sex?
In a doorway.
---
During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in
time by providing some baseball trivia for his color man. "Do
you know who had the most home runs between 1955 and 1975?" he
asked rhetorically. "Hank Aaron. Do you know who had the most
R.B.I.s between 1955 and 1975? Hank Aaron. Do you know who got
hit with the most balls in the face between 1955 and 1975?"
"Hank Aaron?" the color man guessed.
"Nope," replied the announcer. "Liberace."
---
We've been told that a major pharmaceutical company is
introducing a new painkiller for masochists. It promises to
bring slooow relief.
---
The well-known televangelist returned from an overnight
business trip and called his aide into his office. "Bob, the
most incredible thing happened last night in the hotel," he
began. "I had just gotten into bed when the door burst open
and in stepped the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. And
Bob, she was naked as a jay bird! Naturally, I drew the covers
over my head and ordered her to leave." The minister noticed
his aide's skeptical expression. "Well," he asked, "what would
you have done?"
"Reverend, I'd have done the same thing you did, only I
wouldn't have lied about it."
---
What's the real reason Manuel Noriega left the Vatican?
Elvis snores.
---
We understand that OSHA is preparing regulations that
require air bags on all headboards in honeymoon hotels.
---
Two former high school sweethearts met at their 30th
class reunion and chatted about the good old days. As they
drifted on to more recent developments in their lives the
man asked, "So, Donna, how have you been?"
"I have some good news and some bad news," she replied
"What kind of bad news?"
"I had to have a complete hysterectomy."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he consoled. "But what's
the good news?"
"Well," she said, grinning sheepishly, "we found your
class ring."
---
There was this guy, see, and he was born with just a head. No body --
just a head. He grew up, made a lot of friends, and on his 21st
birthday, they threw him a party.
He was perched on his bed when a newly arrived guest entered with his
birthday gift. "Here you go! Happy Birthday, Joe!" said the guest.
Joe looked at the box and said, "I just hope it's not another HAT!"
---
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman
walking towards them. The first lawyer says "See that woman, boy would
I love to screw her". The second lawyer says "Out of what?".
---
Why did the college student cross the road?
For three credits.
---
This family just moved into a new town. They had two little
hellion boys that just terrorized the teachers at their previous
school. The nearest school in their new town was a Catholic
school. Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send
their two boys there anyway, hoping perhaps that the Nuns there
would be able to straighten these boys out. Well, the boys were
living up to their name, and terrorizing their new school. Well,
one day, the younger of the two got caught, and the nun grabbed
him by the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down to the head
priest.
The head priest sat him down across from his desk, and told
him "Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you
know, that no matter where you are or what you do, that God is
always there, always watching you? God is everywhere. He's at
your home, here at school, where ever you are, He is there,
whether you are naughty, nice, good or bad, he is always there
watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping to get through to
the boy.
After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy "Now,
where is God?"
The boy just shrugged.
Again, the priest asked "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugged.
By now, the priest was getting upset, and pointed at the boy
and asked "WHERE IS GOD!!??"
The boy looked around, under his chair, dropped his head down
a little bit and shrugged.
The priest was furious by now, and yelled at the boy "Go home!
Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids
had gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he
gets home, his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to
him, grabs a hold of him and says, "Get in the house, we're in
big trouble."
He pulls his brother inside the house, "Come on upstairs,
quick!"
Upstairs they went.
He pulls his brother in the bedroom, "Get in here, fast!"
He opens the closet "Get in here, NOW!"
He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble
now!"
His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?"
"God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
---
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were
on, she asked why there was a difference in the number of
feathers in the braves' headdresses.
She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.
His reply was, "Me only have one squaw, me only have one
feather."
She asked another brave, feeling that the first one was only
joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He
replied, "Me have four feathers because me sleep with four
squaws."
Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the
number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now, the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless
to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked him, "Why do you have so
many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his
chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters said, "You ought to be hung." The Chief
replied, "You damned right me hung... big like buffalo, long
like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so damned
hostile," to which the Chief replied, "Hoss style, doggie style,
wolf style, any style, me fuck em all.!!" With tears in her eyes
Ms. Walters said, "Oh dear!" The Chief replied, "No deer - me
fuck no deer. Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast. Me no
fuck deer."
---
Why do Rednecks do it doggie style?
So they can both watch wrestling at the same time...
---
Q: How do you squeeze a thousand cows into a barn?
A: Put up a "BINGO" sign!
---
One that was related to me as true also happened in a supermarket....
A young woman in a supermarket shyly asked the cashier for the price
on Tampax, which were unmarked. The cashier grabbed the microphone
and asked the stock clerk over the PA system, "Hey Roy, how much are
the Tampax?"
The stock clerk thought she said 'thumbtacks' and replied over the PA,
"The kind you push in with your finger, or the kind you drive in with
a hammer?"
The whole store roared for ten minutes.
---
A fox-hunting club only allowed male hunting dogs on a chase.
One long-time member was allowed to take his female dog because
he only owned females.
The hounds were released and disappeared so quickly that the
riders had to stop and ask a farmer if he had seen them.
"Yup, I seen them."
"Well, did you see where they went?"
"Nope, but it was the first time I ever seen a fox running
fifth."
---
Somebody gave an Aggie a pair of cufflinks - so he got his wrists
pierced ..
---
When the professor asked the Aggie to define the difference between
ignorance and apathy he said: "I don't know and I don't care .."
---
I parked my car in a tow away zone. I came out and the whole zone was
gone.
I like to take my dog for a walk on the 3rd floor ledge around my
apartment building. A lot of people are afraid of heights, I'm not,
I'm afraid of widths.
If we were driving in a car at the speed of light and turned on our
headlights, would anything happen?
---
What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
You pick-it...........Groan....
---
Define confusion.
A blind Lesbian in a fish market.
---
In a small fishing town on the east coast there is this man that never
fails to catch the limit no matter how the fishing is for everyone
else. After watching this for a while one of the other fishermen asks
him " How do you do it " and the man tells him to be at the dock in
the morning at 4:00 and he will show him. So the guy meets him the
next a.m and they go out. As soon as they get to a fishin spot the
man reaches under his seat, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it
and throughs it into the water. It explodes and a bunch of fish float
to the top. The man scoops them up in his net and looks at the other
man with a smile. " bot I wish you hadn't done that ". " Why " asks
the other man. " Because I'm the game warden and what you just did
is illegal ". The first man reaches under his seat, pulls out a stick
of dynamite, lights it and hands it to the game warden saying " You
gonna just sit there or are you gonna fish?
---
A couple flying a small plane to their Caribbean vacation spot
was forced down by a storm to an isolated, deserted, island.
After some days of waiting for the rescuers, they began to give
up hope. Finally, the wife asks, "Did you remember to give our
pledge to the United Jewish Appeal before we left?"
"We're running out of food and water and you ask a question like
THAT??!!" the husband snapped. "Well, if you must know, I not
only pledged $500,000 but I already paid half of it."
"What! We owe U.J.A. a QUARTER MILLION?" the wife happily
exclaimed. "Don't worry. They'll find us. THEY'LL FIND US."
---
Q: Why did Hitler committ suicide?
A: He got the gas bill
---
2 Northern Irish fellows wanted to hold up a British bank to raise some
money for the cause but they didn't want the IRA blaimes so they took 9
months of diction lessons so they could talk without a trace of Irish
accent.
AFter preapring so carefully, they go into the bank and point their
sawed off shotguns at the teller and demand money. When the next
teller sees this she starts to go for the alarm button but the teller
being held up tells her:
"Better not try anything, these are IRA terrorists and they're
desperate"
The IRA fellows ask
"How'd you know we're Irish? We were so careful to lose our accents"
The teller replied:
"Easy, you sawed off the wrong end of your shotguns!"
---
My girlfriend and I were sitting down on the couch, having another
argument. Sensing that she wouldn't win this one, she said in
frustration, "You're impossible!"
I turned to her and, with a smile, responded, "No, I'm not. I'm NEXT to
impossible."
-----
Q. How many Mac programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You need a mouse to pull it down.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
Q: How many Copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Copywriters don't make changes.
Q: How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
Q: How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two and a photographer
Q: How many media buyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are there tickets involved?
Q: How many production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but you'd better say three just to be safe.
Q: How many of Tip O'Neill's relatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to hold the bulb, and two to drink 'till the room spins.
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. First, it's not a light bulb, it's a Bill Blass'
Mediteranian Autumnal Hue (Reg. Trdmrk.), and it's still under warranty.
Q: How long does it take a yuppie to change a light bulb?
A: Few minutes to do it, but then it'll take him/her an hour to figure
out how to get a tax deduction out of it.
A: Few minutes to do it, but he(she) will spend hours figuring how
to express this unique, whole new trend-setting experience at the
next cocktail gala.
Q: How many Louisianians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to
bribe officials for the permit.
A Winkie was told that most car accidents happen within a ten mile radius of
ones house - so he moved.
Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
Spring training!
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it's ajar.
Q: What do you call the person with aids and herpes?
A: An incurable romantic.
Q. What is the name of the new JAP (Jewish American Princess) Horror Movie?
A. Debbie Does Dishes
Q: What kind of sex should one never have on a picnic?
A: Insects.
Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere!
Q: Why won't they let President Bush's grand-children play with crayons in
the white house?
A: Because there wouldn't be anything for Dan Quayle to play with.
----
what's black and white with a cherry on top and two nuts inside?
a police car! back before police cars had light bars. my uncle the
policeman told me that, I believe...
..
what's the sticky stuff between the toes of elephants?
slow natives
...
Two Indians are walking across the Plains. One Indian stops and puts his
down to ground to listen and says, "Buffalo come".
The other Indian says, "How you know?"
The first Indian says, "Ground sticky".
---
Why did cave men drag their women around by their hair???
a: So they don't fill up with dirt.
---
---
The policeman had pulled over a beater pickup truck which had
been weaving all over the road. He asked the driver if he'd been
drinking. The driver denied it asying the old truck had a
tendency to wander a little.
The policeman was surrounded by flies and asked what they had in
the truck. They replied they had picked up a load of manure for
the garden and were taking it home. The policeman asked. "What
are those flies, there sure are a lot of them?" "Oh, they're H/A
flies, you always find them swarming around a horse's ass." The
policeman bristled and asked, "Are you calling me a horse's Ass?"
"No, no," cried the driver, "but you sure can't fool them flies."
---
A man is having sex with his girlfriend for the first time in the
relationship. She has shared with him the fact that she is a virgin.
Every time he entered her, though, he noticed that her feet would
crinkle up. Naturally, he thought this to be very odd! When they were
finished, they both lit up a cigarette. "Honey," the man said, "that
was great! But how come every time I entered you your feet crinkled
up?" "SHIT!", replied the girl, "I forgot to take off my pantyhose".
---
Define confusion.
A blind Lesbian in a fish market.
Actually, it's four blind lesbians in a fish market!
---
ELVIS TRIBE FOUND IN JUNGLE!
-Wacky Savages Wear Presley Wigs and Sing and Dance Just Like The King-
South American savages were so impressed with Elvis Presley when
they met him in 1981 thet they still wear homemade Elvis wigs -- and
dance to jungle versions of his tunes.
This mind-blowing news comes on the heels of reports that Presley
faked his death in 1977 and has been travelling the world anonymously
since.
The singer did not try to keep his identity secret from the
natives, however, because he told them to call him "King Elvis" and
personally taught them to sing his greatest hits in English -- a
language they don't even know.
"It's the damndest thing I've ever seen," Henri Bonjean, the
French anthropologist told reporters in Paris. "The tribal elders put on
Elvis wigs and a dozen or so other men beat furiously on their drums.
"Everyone else hops up and down or shakes their hips while
singing their favorite Presley songs, 'Hound Dog' and 'Blue Suede
Shoes,' in English. They sound just like Presley.
"Even stranger, it's the only English they know."
Dr. Bonjean claims to have met the savages while studying tribal
life in the jungles of Brazil earlier this year.
Two weeks after he arrived at their village south of Rio Branco,
the primitive people donned their Elvis wigs and put on a show.
"I asked them how they knew about Elvis Presley and they told me
that he visisted them in 1981." said Dr. Bonjean. "I'm no Elvis fan but
I know that he was supposed to have died in 1977.
"But they insisted that Elvis visited them long after that and
taught them to sing his songs.
"They told me he called himself 'King Elvis' and strummed an old
wood guitar."
Reports that Elvis had indeed faked his death in 1977 made
international headlines last summer. Thousands of people stepped forward
to say that they had actually seen or spoken to The King long after his
alleged funeral in Memphis.
An even more senastional report surfaced earlier this year, when
longtime Presley pal and confidante Jaime Chacon admitted that The King
had died in a plane crash in Bolivia on Jan. 2, 1989.
"When or if Elvis died is irrelevant," said Dr. Bonjean. "My
interest is in the way this primitive tribe responded to an outside
cultural influence.
"In this case they enjoyed Presley songs so much that they
adopted them to their own primitive instruments."
Dr. Bonjean intends to publish a full scientific report on the
tribe's affection for Presley later this year. Meanwhile, Elvis-hunter
Paul Bianco plans to visit the tribe himself to find out what The King
was doing in their village in 1981.
"I'd give anything to find out what Elvis was doing there." said
Bianco.
---
A friend once told me that she heard some cheerleaders from
Norfolk use this cheer:
"We are the girls of Norfolk, Norfolk
We don't smoke nor drink
Norfolk, Norfolk"
If it's not funny, you're not pronouncing it right ...
---
MAKE A COP COME. CALL 911.
---
Boy, did I have a rough morning!
My dog chewed up and swallowed half of the dictionary. The
Vet said to give him castor oil, but it was no use...
-- we couldn't get a word out of him!
---
And he has a helluva time getting it in. Finally, after lots of
grunting and shoving, he hears a "POP" sound, and everthing is
fine.
Later he says, "Gosh, if I'd known you were a virgin, I'd have
taken a little more time."
And she says, "If I'd known how eager you were, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose..."
---
A Jew and his close friend, a Black, were looking across the street
at a girl who was known to have somewhat loose morals.
Says the Black, "Let's see if we can screw her."
And says the Jew, "Screw her out of what??"
---
I just read that the movie review board just issued updated versions
of definitions for their ratings:
G = the hero gets the girl
R = the heavy gets the girl
X = everybody gets the girl
---
These two guys were sittin' at the local town bar havin' a dring when
suddenly they heard the town fire alarm go off. The one man got up and ran out
the door,and the other man yelled.." Hey Bill, I didn't know you were on the
volenteer fire department!"
Bill turned and said " I'm Not"...."But my girlfriends husband is!"..
---
A Policeman is conducting a speed trap when this sporty red car with an
attractive woman drives by going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit.
The policeman pulls her over.
POLICEMAN: May I see your drivers license please?
WOMAN: Here you go officer. What was I doing wrong?
POLICEMAN: I see your name is Polaski. Are you Polish by any chance?
WOMAN: Why yes officer I am Polish.
With that the policeman starts to unzip his pants.
WOMAN: OH NO! Not the breathalyzer again.
---
What's the difference between your husband and a dog standing
beside a door???
The dog stops whining when you let him in!!!!!!!!!
-----
What is the first lesson you receive at a Polish driving school?
How to open a locked car with a bent hanger.
Bigamist: A fog over Italy.
Bigotry: An Italian redwood.
Operetta: A girl who works for the phone company.
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.
Why did God create men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.
What can Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in 5 different flavors.
Why didn't the Polack want to buy any pornographic materials?
The needle on his pornograph was broken.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose.
Full.
---
WHAT DO COWBOY HATS AND HEMEROIDS HAVE IN COMMON?
SOONED OR LATER EVERY AS*HOLE GETS ONE!
---
In what way is playing golf like paying taxes?
In both, you always drive hard to get the green, and nearly always end
up in the hole.
---
List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week.
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter, if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package that meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up
your trousers mouse.
15. Especially in december, gift wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize that tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. if you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle that snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with packaged weiner.
24. if you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. Cover that missile before you give her a whistle.
---
She looks like a professional blind date.
He didnt mind her enjoying crackers in bed until he came home and
discovered a crumb in the closet.
He's so dull, he can't even entertain a doubt.
You have a striking face...How many times were you struck?
---
Three gay men are sitting in a bar. One of them says, "I have
to f*rt," lifts a cheek and goes "whoooosh." The next one says,
"I have to, too," lifts one side and goes "whooooooooosh!"
The third says, "OK, it's my turn," and goess BRAAAAAPPHFLTRPTTHP!
The first two look at each other and say, "WE KNOW WHO'S A VIRGIN!"
---
Or the alternative method:
G = the kids have a picnic
R = they do it under the blanket
X = they don't have a blanket
---
What's the difference between a kindergarten and a meeting of the
National Security Council?
Adult supervision.
---
After another disappointing time at the town dance, Fred strikes
out for home. Along the way, he passes by a pumpkin patch.
Seeing the pumpkins shining in the moonlight reminds the fellow
of so many shapely bare asses, so he climbs over the fence, cuts
a hole in one and "get's physical" with it.
Soon, he hears "AWRIGHT BUDDY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING!?!" Looking up and seeing a policeman, he blurts out
"Jesus Christ!! Is it midnight ALREADY??!!"
---
---
Three friends are washed up on the beach of an island. On this
island, they find a lost native tribe that offers them all
hospitality, and tells them that anything they want is theirs.
Everything, that is, except the women in the grass skirts.
"Those are the virgins," the tribal chieftain says, "touch them
and we will punish you."
Several weeks later, the three friends start getting bored.
Nothing to do, and they start wondering what the women in the
grass skirts are like. One friend says, "What can the
punishment be, anyways? I'm going out to find one, cover for
me." So he goes out, has one of the women with the grass
skirts. Seeing his friend seemingly get away with this, the
others immediately go out and do the same thing.
This goes on for a week, and the three friends get caught.
"We told you we would punish you if you touched the women in
the grass skirts. Because you are strangers here, we give you a
choice: Do you wish to be punished by death or....kukabunga!?"
[ tribal bongos in the background ]
The first, thinking "How bad could kukabunga be, compared to
death?", answers, "Kukabunga!"
The chieftain says, "So be it!" and nods to two big natives
standing by. The natives bend him over a rail, and proceed to
sodomize him. After they are done, they release him.
The chieftain turns to the second, "What is your choice?"
The second man is REALLY freaked out now! "Well, this kukbunga
thing is pretty bad, but....it's better than death. I choose
kukabunga!"
The two natives bend him over the rail and do the same to
him.
The third is deathly scared by now. The chieftain turns to
him, and the third man says, "DEATH!"
A hush falls over the crowd.
The chieftain pronounces, "Death...by kukabunga!!"
---
When I was single, we used to rate girls a little differently.
We used a scale of 1 to 10, but it was logarithmic!
---
|\/\/\/|
? ?
? ?
? (o)(o)
C _) / Bart says:
? ,___| / Ay, caramba!
? / \ Like, don't have
/_____\ \ a cow, maan!
/ \
---
Did you hear about the Polack who pulled a 5 pound booger out
of his nose?
His head collapsed before he could get it in his mouth!!
======
A young man was in love and wanted to propose but he was ashamed of
his tiny penis. After refusing to let her see him naked for a long
time, he decided to bring up the matter subtly. He drove to lovers
lane one night. In the darkness he unzipped his pants and placed
her hand on his organ.
"Thanks," she said. "But you know I don't smoke."
======
Mommy! Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up kid, and flush it like everybody else!
======
What was Sammy Davis Jr.'s last wish before he died?
He wanted to go on Wheel of Fortune and buy an "I".
======
What do you call 25 babies thrown from the roof of a tall building?
A baby shower.
Waddaya call an affair with a dog( bestiality... Eeeeeew! )
Puppy Love.
---
A guy walks into a diner and sits down. Waitress walks up to him and
says, "What'll you have?" "Lemme have a hamburger, fries and a Coke."
"Okay," says the waitress, reaches in the freezer, grabs a hamburger
patty and sticks it under her armpit. Guy says, "HEY!!!!! What are
you doing?" Waitress says, "It's okay...the microwave we use to
defrost stuff is on the blink, so we're defrosting meat this way."
Guy at the next table pipes up, "Cancel my order for a hot dog.
---
Two young women are touring the Metropolitan Museum of Art
in New York City. The guide has just taken them through the
French Impressionist wing and is leading them through the
Renaissance sculptures. "And this was sculpted in blahblahblah
by Michelangelo...." As they leave, one woman says to the other,
"Gosh, wasn't the (penis) on that statue HUGE????" The other
woman nods her head and says "Yup...cold too."
---
Have you heard about the new male birth-control pill?
Men take it the day after and it changes their blood type.
---
Washington insiders report that the drug summit in Colombia
produced one unpublicized result. Bowing to Colombia's concerns
that a total crackdown will create economic hardship, President
Bush agreed to allow a limited amount of cocaine to be delivered
to the U.S.--provided it is shipped on Exxon tankers.
---
A 75-year-old retired banker decided to satisfy a lifelong
desire to join a nudist colony. The admissions clerk welcomed
him and suggested he look around before signing on.
After leaving his clothes in a locker, the old man found a
bench where he could discreetly admire the passing scene. Before
long, a striking blonde ambled by and, noticing his appreciative
stare, wordlessly knelt down and gave him the best bj of his
life.
The old fellow was so thrilled, he ran back to the admissions
office, wrote out a check on the spot and received immediate
membership.
He quickly headed back to the bench but, before sitting down,
dropped his cigar. As he bent to retrieve it, a tall, muscular
fellow came up from behind and mounted him.
The outraged man pulled away and hurried back to the office,
demanding his money back. "What happened?" the clerk asked. "You
wanted to join so badly."
"Miss, I get excited once every four months," he explained to
the perplexed woman. "But I drop my cigar five times a day."
---
How can you tell is a male WASP is sexually aroused?
By his stiff upper lip.
---
Three winos huddled under a bridge and broke open a couple
of jugs. After drinking for several hours, they passed out. In
the morning, two woke up to find that the third had died during
the night.
At the funeral home, the two surviving friends stood by the
coffin of their departed buddy. "Boy, ol' George sure looks good,
don't he?" the first remarked.
"Well, damn, he should," the second replied. "He ain't had a
drink in three days."
---
Subj: News of the Weird
In Birmingham, Alabama, a man was convicted of assault and
battery after hitting his wife over the head repeatedly with
their 1 1/2-lb. chihuahua dog during a domestic dispute.
In January Alphonso Calhoun, 39, was convicted in Cleveland of
raping a 27 hear old woman who said Calhoun forced her to
perform fellatio four times in exchange for drugs. Calhoun was
convicted despite the fact that, after the fourth incident, the
woman had bitten off Calhoun's testicles after he had passed out
and had walked off with his drugs and money. Testified Calhoun in
his own behalf, "I looked down [after being jarred awake]. The
pouch [of drugs and money] was gone. My scrotum was gone."
---
To:The Manager
YMCA Hotella
Feb.,1990
Dear Signore,
Now I am tella you story wot I was treated at jour hotella. I am
a-comma from Roma as tourist to your city and stay as a-younga
christian man at you hotella. When I comma in my rooma I see there is
no shit onna my bed. How cana I slip with no shit on my bed? So I
calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanta shit ." They say: " Go to
toilet." I say: "No, I wanta shit on my bed." They tella me:"You'd
better not shit on your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch." What is this sonna-
wa-bitch? I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and
egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella
waitress and pointa at toast "I wanta piss." She tella me "Go to
toilet." I say: "No, I wanta piss on my plate." Then she say to me:
"You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch." That
is second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch",
and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet"? I do not understand,
please tella me. Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and
knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock." She
tella me:" Sure, everyone wanta fock." I tella her: "No, you don't
understand me, I wanta fock on the table." She tella me: "So, you
sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your butt out for here."
How comma this christian hotella treata me, the guest, in such bed
manner? So I go to receptione and ask for bill - I no wanta stay in
this hotella no more. When I have paid the billa the portier say to
me: "Thank you and piss on you." I say :"Piss on you too, you sonna-
wa-bitch." I go now go back to Italy. Sir, I never gonna staya in you
hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch!
Sincerely,
Dicci Elgre
---
Mr. Schwartz, who's almost 80 years old, goes to the sperm bank and
the nurse gives him a jar and leads him to a room.
It's been 30 minutes and he hasn't come out of the room yet. All
they hear is deep breathing and lots of huffing, puffing, and "Oy"'s.
Concerned, they pound on the door, "Mr. Schwartz! Are you all right?"
The door opens, and there is Mr. Schwartz huffing and puffing and
drenched with sweat.
He says, "I don't understand it . . . I used my left hand . . .
I used my right hand . . . I put it under hot water . . .
I put it under cold water . . .
I just can't get the lid off this jar!!!"
---
What looks best behind a girls ears?
Her legs!!!
---
A fellow in the park was doing pushups. A drunk
walks over to him and says, "Wassa matter fella,
lose your girl?"
---
Goofy George and his bowling buddy was relaxing
having a few brews. George said, "Last night I
came home and found my wife screwing the delivery
man on the porch".
"What did you do about it?" his friend asked.
George replied, "I turned out the light so they
couldn't see what they were doin!".
---
Oscar walked into the fancy house of ill repute
and announced to the madam, "I have claustrophobia.
I gotta have a girl out on the ledge".
"You wanna go up on the second floor and do it on
the window ledge?", she asked. "I might have someone
who'll help you with your fetish".
Within 5 minutes a girl appeared led Oscar to the second
floor ledge and they got to doin it. Suddenly they
rolled over and fell to the ground, both unconscious,
frozen in their love positions.
A drunk staggered by, and knocked on the door of the house.
"What do you want?" asked the madam.
"I thought you like to know," replied the drunk, that
your sign has fallen down!"
---
A girl driving thru the desert ran out of gas. An
Indian rode by and gave her a ride, sitting her behind
him. Every few minutes as they rode, he let out a
whooping yell that echoed across the desert. Finally
he deposited her at the gas station and rode off with
one final "Yah-hoo!"
"What were you doing?" asked the station owner, "to make
that injun do all that hollerin'?"
"Nothing!", she replied. "I just sat behind him with my
arms around his sides, holding onto the saddle horn."
"Miss," said the man, "Indians ride bareback!"
---
What do you call a woman who is afraid of flies?
.....an old maid!
---
A spectator was standing outside of the monkey house at the zoo, and
didn't see any monkeys. Finally a zoo keeper happened by, so asked,
"Excuse me, where are all the monkeys?"
"I guess they're back inside making love."
"Oh, do you think they'd come out if I toss in some peanuts?"
The zoo keeper thought a second, and then replied, "Would you?"
---
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN THE SOUTH
??????????????????????????????????
Name:_______________________ Nickname:__________ CB Handle_________
Address (RFD):______________________________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, attach list of three suspects):__________________
Mamma:______________________________________________________________
Neck Shade: ( ) Light Red ( ) Medium Red ( ) Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:________ Lower:________
Name of Pickup owned:_____________ Height of truck:_________________
Truck equipped with:
( )Gun rack ( )4 Wheel drive ( )Confederate flag ( )Toothpick hldr
( )8-Track ( )Load of wood ( )Hijacker shocks ( )Mud-grip tires
( )Big dog ( )Racoon hide ( )Dual CB antennas ( )Mud flaps
( )Spitoon ( )Camper top ( )Mag wheels ( )Air horns
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard of pickup:__________________
Bumper stickers:
( )Eat more possum ( )Honk if you love Jesus
( )Wave if your horny ( )Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
( )Tater ( )Muscadine ( )Cobbler ( )Soppin syrup ( )Ramps
( )Chitlins ( )Brogans ( )Fatback ( )Shit-on-shingle( )Tote
( )Collards ( )Redeye gravy ( )Cracker ( )Pinto beans ( )Poke
( )Sidemeat ( )Sawmill gravy ( )Goobers ( )Turnip salit ( )Grits
Favorite vocalist:
( )Donna Fargo ( )Conway Twitty ( )Loretta Lynn ( )Hank Williams
( )Elvis ( )Slim Whitman ( )Tammy Wynette ( )Porter Wagoner
( )Johnny Cash ( )Willie Nelson ( )George Jones ( )Boxcar Willie
Favorite recreation:
( )Square dancin' ( )Possum huntin' ( )Skinny dippin'
( )Craw daddin' ( )Gospel Singin' ( )4-Wheelin'
( )Drankin' ( )Bull chip throwin' ( )Blue grass conventions
( )Spittin' backy ( )Creek jumpin' ( )Other
Weapons owned:
( )Deer rifle ( )Bird gun ( )Varmit Rifle ( )Sawed-off Shotgun
( )Tire iron ( )Pick handle ( )Log chain ( )Power (chain) saw
Number of hound dogs:____ Type:( )Blue tick ( )Black & tan ( )Beagle
Emblem: ( )John Deere ( )CAT ( )Budweiser ( )McCullock chain saw
( )PBR ( )NAPA ( )Coors ( )Skoals
Number of weeks unemployed:___ Number of welfare checks received:___
Number of dependents (Legal):_____________ (Claimed):______________
Memberships:
( )KKK ( )PTL Club ( )American Legion
( )Bass Club ( )Moose Lodge ( )VFW
( )NRA
Length of left leg:______________ Length of right leg:______________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red? ( )Yes ( )No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?
( )1 ( )2 ( )3 ( )4 ( )5 or more ( )Can't count.
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your
front porch?( )1 ( )2 ( )3 ( )4 ( )5 or more ( )Still can't count
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?
( )Yes ( )No
Do you own any shoes? If so, how many?______
In what year did you last purchase shoes?_____
Are you married to any of the following?
( )Sister ( )Cousin ( )Sow
Do you know her name? ( )Yes ( )No
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup? ( )Yes ( )No
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
( ) Yes ( )No
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
( )Yes ( )No
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ( )Yes ( )No
To 21 with your fly up? ( )Yes ( )No
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?
( )Yes ( )No
Medical Information:
Do you or have you had at least 2 of the following:
( )BO ( )Crabs ( )Head lice ( )Bad breath
( )Scabies ( )Trench mouth ( )Runny nose ( )Tape worm
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week? ( )Yes ( )No
---
Whats better than playing a piano by ear ?
FIDDLING WITH YOURSELF !!!
Why is a suntanned girl like Roast Chicken ?
BECAUSE THE WHITE MEAT IS THE BEST PART !!!
---
What is the maximum speed of Sex?
68 miles per hour, because at 69, you gotta turn around
---
----
A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has
herpes. She says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked
it up in the medical dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a
disease for the gentiles.
----
The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says,
I've got good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad
news first. The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The
man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that?
The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so
go home and forget about it.
---
This guy picks up this easy chick at a bar. So he takes her back to his
place and starts eating her out. He's really getting into her when all
of a sudden she swallos him whole. Now the guy is really freaked out.
It's dark, he's lost and he doesn't know how yo get out. So finally he
remembers he has a flashlight in his pocket. So he pulls it out ( the
flaslight! ). As he was turning it on he drops it. Great. So he
starts feeling around for it and swearing. He meets up with another
guy. The other guy goes:
"What are you looking for?"
"I dropped my flaslight"
"Well as soon as we find your flaslight we can start looking for my
keys and we can drive the hell outta here!"
---
An economist is back in his old high school college town many years
after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors.
He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk, so he picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar, he
comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken
10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is correct, but
adds that this time the answers are different.
---
EMPLOYEE REVIEW/COUNSELING WORKSHEET
NAME:____________________________________ DATE:_________________
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
KNOWLEDGE ? [ ] THE SON OF A BITCH REALLY KNOWS HIS SH*T.
? [ ] KNOWS JUST ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS.
? [ ] ONLY HALF A BRAIN AND IS DANGEROUS.
? [ ] BRAIN DAMAGE, HIS COFFEE CUP HAS A HIGHER IQ.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
ACCURACY ? [ ] DOES EXCELLENT WORK IF NOT PREOCCUPIED BY OPPOSITE SEX.
? [ ] PRETTY GOOD, ONLY OCCASIONALLY BLOWS IT OUT HIS A$$.
? [ ] HAS TO TAKE OFF HIS SHOES TO COUNT HIGHER THAN TEN.
? [ ] COULD'NT COUNT HIS FINGERS AND GET THE SAME NUMBER TWICE.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
ATTITUDE ? [ ] EXTREMELY COOPERATIVE IF YOU KISS HIS A$$ FREQUENTLY.
? [ ] BROWN NOSER IN GOOD STANDING.
? [ ] OFTEN PISSES OFF CO-WORKERS, THINKS HE OWNS THE PLACE.
? [ ] DOESN'T GIVE A SH*T, NEVER DID, NEVER WILL.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
RELIABILITY ? [ ] A REALLY DEPENDABLE LITTLE DWEEB.
? [ ] CAN RELY ON HIM AT EVALUATION TIME.
? [ ] CAN RELY ON HIM TO BE FIRST OUT THE DOOR.
? [ ] TOTALLY WORTHLESS.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
APPEARANCE ? [ ] EXTREMELY NEAT, EVEN COMBS PUBIC HAIR.
? [ ] LOOKS GREAT AT EVALUATION TIME.
? [ ] FLIES LEAVE FRESH DOG SH*T, TO GOTO HIM.
? [ ] DIRTY, FILTHY, SMELLY SON OF A BITCH
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
PERFORMANCE ? [ ] GOES LIKE A SON OF A BITCH IF THERE'S MONEY IN IT FOR HIM.
? [ ] DOES ALL KINDS OF GOOD SH*T AT EVALUATION TIME.
? [ ] WORKS ONLY IF KICKED IN THE A$$ EVERY TWO MINUTES.
? [ ] COULD'NT DO LESS WORK IF HE WAS IN A FRIGGIN COMA.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
---
Just before Sir Lancelot leaves England to fight the glorious
fight in the Crusades, he tells his closest and dearest friend,
"I leave with you the key to my wife's chastity belt. I trust
you to guard it well."
As he rides through the castle gates, his friend comes running
after him.
"Wait, wait! You left the wrong key."
---
Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusulum?
It's called: Cheeses of Nazereth
---
Seen on another Church Marquis:
Sunday's sermon will be:
Do you know what hell is?
Come in and hear our organist.
---
King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical
about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants.
He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to
screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off. When he came back from the
crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their
pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son,"
King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on
thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servent replied in a
very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"!
---
Sign seen on church:
Come
to
Ch ch
What's missing?
---
---
Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed
in tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac
caught sight of him, stopped and wondered whether she might
persuade the supposed gardener to came and woork for her.
"Gardener," she called, "How much does the lady of the house pay
you?"
Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied.
"The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."
* * * * * *
During his stint as comedian in a show called "You Bet Your Life,"
Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed
a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to 22 children. "I lov my husband,"
Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. "I like my cigar, too," said Groucho,
"but I take it out once in awhile."
(This remark, like many others, had to be cut before broadcast. On
average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about 26 minutes
of broadcast.)
* * * * * *
Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fasionable restaurant before a high-
society wedding, Groucho and Harpo noted that the automatic elevator
opened directly into the dinning rooms on the various floors. As the
elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a suprise for the assembled
bachelors and emerged - carrying thier clothes in valises and wearing
nothing but top hats.
To their consternation, they were greeted not by raucous roars of male
hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was
entertaining her friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and
Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared
they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape
themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject
apologies to the horrified ladies and slink ignominiously from the
room.
* * * * * *
Marx despised the empty cliches of business correspondence. A letter
from his bank manager ended with the standard phrase, "If I can be
of any service to you, do not hesitate to call on me." Marx immediately
put pen to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be
of service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your
richer clients and credit it to mine."
---
Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth??
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert!
---
NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
The heaviest known element known to science was recently
discovered by corporate research physicists. The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 15
senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and
111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with. According to discoverers, a
minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over
4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one
second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3
years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some
studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after
each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at
certain points such as government agencies, large corporations,
and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best
appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts
are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled
to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
---
A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting
very loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia
came up, one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a
dumb football player or a whore!" Across the table, another guy stood
up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right?
I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia." First guy: "Really?
Umm ... what position does she play?"
---
What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert.
---
----
My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World.
I called, but they don't want her.
or...
I called, but they already have one.
---
This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep
that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock".
SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet.
GUY: Um....Um....Um....742
SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want.
A few minutes later.......
SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your
nationality.
GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK!
SHEEPHERDER: POLISH!
GUY: Yeah! How'd you know.
SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you.
---
Q. Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A. To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
---
When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders
came to the gangplank. Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take
animals that can multiply, and you're adders". They said "Well,
how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't
know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right
from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree
trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood
subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to
his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of
little adders. He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!"
They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table."
---
Who is France's data compression hero?
Joan of ARC...
---
"They put dimes in the hole in my head and
You should see the change in me now!"
---
Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that
you can hang a hat on it?
Your head
---
A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist
noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The
pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a
twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the
three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy?
That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two
for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the
twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples;
one for January, one for February, one for March...
---
Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: It depends how thin you spread them.
---
A lot has been said about us old guys getting bald.....not so, we're
just clearing ground for a new face.
"I'm not loosing hair, I'm gaining face!"
---
Why is it common knowledge that Adam was the happiest man in the world?
HE HAD NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
---
---
"I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out."
- Judge Harry Stone
---
___( )_____ (#####)
_ __ ____( who the hell )_____ (########)
(__(__\_ (__ are you... _____________) (###########)
/ \ \ \ (__ ________) (############)
< \ (__) _ |\/\/\/\/\/| (############)
\_ _ _) (_) _ | | (###########)
<\\/\ (.)(.) (_) | | ,, ,, (#####)
(_ _____) | _ _) _(.)(.)' (###)
\ / \ | (.) (.) __( _)(#)
|( ,___> | _) <_______) (#)
| \____) (_ ,____> (_ |
/\ |_ _ / __> | |
< \_ _>\ / \ /\ / OOOOOOOO
__/\_/ \ / \_\___ / \ __/ \____)\__ __ / \
/ \ V ____/ \_____ \ \ / \_ /<______\ \
( \ ( ,, ,, ) _\_|>[]<_|/__ \ \
| ) \ (.)'(.)' / ( ,, ,, ) \ \
\ \ >_( < \(.)'(.)' / ) )
/<______) _) \ / (__ _)\ / /
(____(_ /_____) (___(C_) _/___) / /
| | /(____)\_
OOOOOO / )
---
Ever read the personal ads in newspapers?
VERY UGLY, SHORT, Fat, Balding Blue-eyed (just 1), Professional
Scuba diver for Roto-Rooter. Love beets, anchovies, championship
wrestling, old Ford Pintos, Sans-A-Belt Polyester leisure suits
and drinking cheap tequila with my dweeb cousins. If you are a
Jewish babe in your 20's or early 30's, write me and maybe we can
meet for a bite, if it doesn't cost too much. All responses will
be answered because I probably won't get very many. Reply to Box
0138 c/o Desert Sun, P.O. Box 939, Palm Desert, CA 92261
a real ad, swear to God.
---
REVISED MIRANDA
You have the right to swing first. However, if you choose to swing
first, any move you make can and will be used as sufficient reason
to beat the shit out of you.
You have the right to have a physician and a priest of your faith
present. If you cannot afford a doctor, one will be appointed to
repair your body.
Do you understand each of these rights, ASSHOLE?
---
ANECDOTES
Charles De Gaulle 1890-1970
Lunching with English friends at the time of her husband's
retirement, Madame De Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to
in the years ahead. "A penis," she replied without hesitation. The
embarrassed silence that followed was finally broken by the former
President of France. "My dear," he murmured, "I think the English don't
pronounce the word quite like that. It's `'appiness.'"
Henri IV 1553-1610, King of France
As the King passed through a small town, a deputation of Burgesses
was drawn up at the gates to receive him. Just as the leading dignitary
began his speach of welcome, a donkey nearby started to bray. The king
turned toward the noisy creature and said with great gravity,
"Gentlemen, one at a time, please."
Richard Harris Barham 1788-1845
At Oxford Barham regularly failed to attend morning chapel.
His tutor demanded an explanation. Barham excused himself. "The
fact is, sir, it's to late for me," he said "Too late!" said the
astonished tutor. "Yes, sir," Barham continued. "I'm a man of
regular habits and I can't sit up until seven o'clock in the
morning. Unless I get to bed by four, or five at the latest, I'm
good for nothing next day."
---
A Dieter's Prayer
By Richard Simmons
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturate I'll never mutter,
For the road through life is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful,
And ten extra pounds is hidden in every waffle.
A double chin is in a chocolate drop,
And tummy bulge is in a lollypop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the south.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
---
Sophie Arnould 1740-1802 - French actress and opera singer.
A rival actress had been presented by her lover with a
magnificent diamond necklace. The necklace was rather to long and as
worn by the actress it seemed to be about to disappear down er cleavage.
Sophie Arnould commented, "It's just returning to its source."
Christopher Thomas Atkinson 1874-1964
During one course of lectures Atkinson found himself confronted
with a group of girl students. He began by saying that his talk that
morning would be on the sexual prowess of the natives of the Polynesian
Islands. The shocked ladies made a concerted rush for the door. Atkinson
called after them, "It's all right, ladies, you needn't hurry. There's
not another boat for a month."
Jack Benny 1894-1974
Benny was never able to make fellow comedian George Burns laugh.
"I thought I had him once in Milwaukee," he told an interviewer. "george
telephoned me from down stairs to say he was coming up. I got undressed
and stood naked on a table posing like a statue holding a rose in my
hand. I figured when he came in the door, he'd have to laugh."
"What happened?"
"He sent the maid in first." replied Benny.
Prince Otto Eduard Leopold Von Bismarck 1815-1898
Bismarck had been conversing for a rather long time with the English
ambassador when the latter posed a question: "How do you handle
insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?" Bismarck
answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and
informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me." At that moment
there was a knock at the door and the servant entered with a message
from his wife.
Leo Blech 1871-1958, German composer and conductor.
At a rehearsal of the orchestra of the Berlin State Opera
Company, one of the players could not follow Blech's beat. "You're new
here?" asked Blech. "Yes, I started only yesterday," replied the player.
"Well, your difficulty is understandable," said Blech. "Let's work at it
till we get it right." He spent two hours working with the performer,
then said, "now it sounds right and tomorrow at the premiere you'll be
perfect." The player replied, "But I won't be here tomorrow. I'm only
here to help out with the rehearsals."
C. Maurice Bowra 1898-1971, British classical scholar.
Parson's Pleasure, the stretch of river at Oxford set aside for
men's bathing, is out of bounds for woman. One day Bowra and a group of
other dons were bathing there au naturel when a boatload of women,
disregarding the "Men Only" signs, rowed into their midst. The dons on
the bank hurriedly grabbed their towels and fashioned impromptu
loincloths - with the exception of Bowra, who threw his towel over his
face. When the intruders had gone, Bowra explained, "I believe,
gentlemen, that I am recognized by my face."
---
It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine!
---
How do you know when a leper's poker game is over?
They all throw in their hands
---
There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love.
The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran
to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search
of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't
know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants
and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill.
The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist
then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter.
"Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks.
---
Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground
if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...
Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like
to leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ...
The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing
and receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years.
These days everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a
slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and
last number redial are fine, but here are some options that can't be
far behind:
ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15
seconds, a digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey!
Remember me? I don't have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak
if it's being played.
CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call
Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like
you and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party
babbles on. They think you're hanging on every word, when you're
actually getting some work done.
CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts,
trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends
by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."
GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to
selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip
translates into increased productivity.
CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just
by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with
poor confrontation skills.
NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in
the company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice-
activated tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and
hear what people say about you.
SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you
_really_ don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your
phone transmits a mild electric shock through their receivers.
CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car
phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as
though it's about to fall off.
CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in
your telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone
automatically calls them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a
digitized voice resembling yours.
CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button
on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you
have an emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.
SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays
subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and
"Increase my department's budget."
CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance
call to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too
closely at their phone bills.
---
Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.
Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage.
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off.
---
Q: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
A: They both spread for bread.
---
Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.
---
Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.
---
How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up.
---
Did you hear about the leper who gave his daughter's hand in marriage?
Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air
in disgust.
---
A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms.
Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?"
Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?"
---
What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty?
The part he sticks in to Olive Oil!
---
A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is
born, and after it is dead!
---
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
---
Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph?
A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
---
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
