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Toxic Custard Workshop - #89
_______ ____ ____ ____ ____
/ / / / / / / / / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #89
/ / / / /___ /___/ /___/ Monday 23rd March 1992
/ / / / / / / / / Written by Daniel Bowen
/----/___--/__/__/-/------/___/--___/[email protected]
Screams of terror. People all around shout for mercy. No question, you
must be at an amusement park. I'm convinced that most of those rides
were originally designed in the middle ages as terrible and horrific M
forms of medieval torture. Turn those accused of witchcraft upside-down e
and spin them round and round at high speed and they'll soon confess. a
Surely you need to worry when a ride at Luna Park features a notice n
that those with heart-conditions are not recommended to use it. And w
that you have to keep your back straight during the ride otherwise you h
might end up being injured. What next, "Do not enter this machine if i
you do not have health insurance"? "A will is required for this ride"? l
I went on the rollercoaster, of course. The Scenic Railway is e
incredible. Mind you, I didn't see much of the scenery after the first ,
dip. I was concentrating on staying alive. Dip isn't quite the right
word for it actually. I think perhaps plummet would be more accurate. s
The mild plummets weren't too bad, but the higher ones were more o
terrifying. It just can't be natural to plummet downwards at that speed m
and angle. I certainly don't think my stomach liked it very much. The e
body has a number of mechanisms for warning the brain that it is in w
danger. Perhaps throwing up during a plummet is one of them. Actually I h
didn't throw up, but those around me say they distinctly heard various e
gurgling noises in between the screams. But I wasn't entirely terrified r
the whole time. I have to say that I did manage to keep my eyes open on e
one of the plummets.
Next to the entrance to the Scenic Railway is a rather more mild i
ride for the little kids. It's four giant metal insects that move in a n
roughly circular track at three miles an hour. Between that and the
Scenic Railway are two other miniature "railway" rides of varying t
degrees of terror. I pity the kids on the insects. In just a few years h
they'll be plummeting too. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
e
WHO KILLED JFK? e
p
The Warren Commission Files (TWCF) are about to be opened! Naturally we e
decided to get them to you first. So, Toxic Custard's daredevil s
reporter decided to jump the gun and sneak in and steal them, just for t
the heck of it. So, here, exclusive to TCWF, are some small snippets
from the files: d
e
- Infamous French assassin Jean leBomb was having a picnic with his p
family on the grassy knoll. His family was discovered to include t
several CIA agents, a number of French underworld figures, and h
Genevieve LeBomb, 5 year-old daughter of JlB, often named as the little s
girl behind the death of Marilyn Monroe. JlB always claimed he was
buying an icecream from an undercover CIA icecream seller when the o
shots were fired at JFK. f
- There was important and often (in fact, always) ignored evidence that t
the President's head was not hit by a bullet - it simply exploded. JFK h
was known to have complained to aides shortly before that he had a e
headache. Mrs JFK (JBK) was heard screaming as the car sped off, "If
only you'd have taken an aspirin!" w
o
- Hollywood producers Chuck Morton and Ralph Bookcase were filming a r
prototype short film in a nearby building. It starred one Lee Harvey l
Oswald (LHO) and was an early version of what we now know as Rambo d
films. LHO played John Wanko, tough, weedy, butch and bulletproof. The ,
film was never found and developed, let alone released.
p
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
o
POPSICLE p
Part Four - "Old Rules, New Game" l
e
Popsicle and the Town Hall Booze theft Taskforce had to release crime-
boss Alfredo Cappucino for lack of evidence. This angered Inspector w
Jock Brendan Uneccesary-Violence, who shouted that it had never stopped e
them from bringing charges before. r
While undercover agent Les went for a haircut, Popsicle decided on e
his next move. It would take careful consideration, but would probably
be his Queen, which could be in danger, or perhaps he'd block with a c
pawn. Meanwhile Jock was in as foul a mood as usual, and decided to o
take the initiative and track down an old informant, a so-called m
"Safeway Cracker", a man who could shoplift a packet of Smarties from p
Safeway and get away with it every time. He was pretty good at Snickers l
bars, too. He was nicknamed Tiny by his girlfriend, and the nickname a
had stuck. So had the Snickers bars, on occasions. i
Tradition dictates that informants are usually found in pubs, and n
this story was no exception. The Chicken and Bucket was a pretty nasty i
place in the daytime, let alone at night, when all sorts of vermin n
crawled out of the woodwork to feast on the rotting left-overs. The pub g
management didn't mind too much though - they might be disgusting scum
and vermin, but patrons were patrons, drinks were drinks, sales were a
sales, and money was money, except on those occasions when b
counterfeiter "Filthy" Lou Kerr was in town. o
Jock decided to take Doctor "Goose" Wedge along to meet Tiny. Goose u
had expertly narrowed down the exact details of the alcohol stolen from t
the Town Hall, and Jock suspected that Tiny might be able to indicate
where some of it might be found. Tiny had brought a small sample of the t
alcohol with him, and surreptiously left it on the table for Goose, who h
then promptly disappeared with it to allow Jock and Tiny to complete a e
long, dramatic, and atmospherically lit discussion on the subject of
railway timetables. a
Goose positively identified the alcohol being from the stolen s
casks. There was no doubt - a vital clue had been found. Problem was, p
Tiny didn't know where it had come from, or wouldn't say. i
r
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
YOU, and only YOU, have been reading Toxic n
Custard number 89. And it serves YOU right.
YOU have no-one to blame but YOURself. So j
there. YOU really ought to reply to this o
mail, and get details of TCWF back-issues k
available. Or of course YOU can send mail e
to [email protected] .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | You are probably
Melbourne Australia | now engaged in the
[email protected] | ancient Martial Art
TCWF: [email protected] | of Tai Ping.
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