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Mike's Madness #20
Mike's Madness #20
-----------------------------------------
Coming soon from Schlockmeister Pictures!
-----------------------------------------
It's Fast!
It's Furious!
It's Foul!
-- It's! --
= S M O K E Y A N D T H E B A N D I T =
(part 8)
"Burt Reynolds drinks a lotta beer and drives like an asshole!"
WITNESS!
* A midget break wind for twenty-three seconds! A new North Carolina record!
TPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbBBbbbbbbBBBbbbbbbBbbBbbbb
BBbBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPpTpTpTpTpTpTPPPPPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBPPPPPPPPPPPPP
tBBBtBBBBBtBBBBtttBBBBtBBBBtBBBtBBBBBBBTT!
Yeeeewww-EEE!!!!!!!! Yo' sho' did slice that one thick! Roll down a winder!
Awdamn! I'm gonna choke! Roll down th' damn winder! It must be a hun'red 'n
fifteen in here! Open a door an' dissipate that mother! GAW-DAMN! If yo'
sick, go t' th' hospital! DAMN! It smells like you SHIT! Hey -- why you
squirmin' so much?
HEAR!
* Jackie Gleason mutter an obscenity so foul it'd wilt five minutes off'n hour!
Jackie: Nibblits!
Old Crone 1: BLIMEY!
Old Crone 2: What's that, love?
1: They just said "nibblits"!
2: ON TELLY?!
1: Yes!
2: BLIMEY! FRED!
Fred: What love?
2: They've just said "nibblits" on the TELLY!
Fred: And right during the family hour!
2: Write the paper at once!
Dear Sirs!
They said "nibblits" on the telly! This and the bloody Pole Tax --
It's the end of civilization!
Mr. I.M. Notalooney
Spamhurst
P.S. I know there's no such place as Spamhurst; I just use it so you
don't know where I am.
-------------------------------
ALSO FROM SCHLOCKMEISTER FILMS!
-------------------------------
It's a documentary!
It's a racing film!
It's . . .
-- H O T - R O D H I T L E R ! --
The FASTEST FUEHRER in RACING! (tm)
Himmler: ACH! Der Allies are catching up vith der Fuehrer!
Hess: The pride of all Germany iss at sstake!
Goring: Der British are coming along der outside! Only vun lap to go!
Hess: They've passssed him! All is losst!
Goring: NEIN! Ees time for Plan A!
Hess: Call out der Shtukas?
Goring: YA!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEE!!!!
* - Bah-OOM - *
Goring: Und Deutchland ees der vinner!
Churchill: Nibblits!
Old Crone 1: They've said it AGAIN!
Old Crone 2: Nibblits?
1: YES!
2: 'Oo said it!?
1: Winston bleedin' Churchill!
2: Blimey!
1: Blimey!
2: Blimey!
1: Blimey!
2: What we keep sayin' "Blimey!" for?
1: We're British!
2: Oh yes . . .
1: If we were German, we would say something like "Got-en-himmil".
2: If we were German, we'd be vomitting gallons of beer upon the streets of
Nuemburg! But we're British and refrain from such activity.
1: Bloody shame, that.
2: Yeeeeesss . . .
1: We could vomit Port on 10 Downey Street!
2: We'd have to wait 'til Maggie was done . . .
1: Small price to pay, I say!
2: I shall book an agent at once!
[dial]-[dial]-[dial]
A L L B R I T I S H T O U R S
(in association with)
R O T T E N B A S T A R D T R A V E L
Presents
----------------------
Let's Despoil Britain!
----------------------
Ever wanted to wreak general havoc on some of
those boring old landmarks that litter Greater
Britian? Well, what better way to do it than with a
bath of Watney's and semi-digested bangers? Or how
about London Pride and Bloodpie? It's great eating
and senseless vandalism all about the Island as we
go Despoiling Britian!
Sponsored by the same assholes that came up with
that damn "Chunnel" idea. Nuke them and their
fucking tunnel, I say. Anything that allows huge
smelly masses of froggies to cross the Channel is
inherently wrong and should be stopped by any means
necessary. Thank you.
What if disco wasn't really dead?
What if the Pope was a hamster?
What if Jessie Helms had a brain?
Ever wonder about these possibilities?
Then read:
AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION!
This Month:
-----------
- Futurist Author C. Clarke on Squash in the 22'nd Century!
- Riding the Bus in 2020!
- Electrical Fixtures of the Future!
- Peoria: City of Wonders!
- John C. Lilly: 1,400 More Obscene Things to do with a Dolphin!
(includes 3815 color glossy photos, digital CD read-along sound
track, 800 page instruction manual, illustrated anatomically correct
diagrams, 4 tickets to Marine World, an inflatable dolphin and 3
tabs of acid. Over 21 only, please.)
It's better than OMNI!
It's better than SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN!
It's not better than TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY!
It's . . .
AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION!
(not yet available in New Zealand due to local libel laws)
Old Crone 1: Teenage Masturbation Weekly? What sort of magazine is that?
----------------------------
TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY: Personal Use, Not Abuse
----------------------------
(contains no animal by-products)
DON'T POUND THAT PUD!
DON'T LET JACKING OFF BE A DUD!
- READ -
TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY
---------------------------
The first magazine for the serious masturbator! We
* BANG! *
Thud.
Dear Sirs,
The Thatcher Government feels magazines such as Teenage Masturbation
Weekly are most inappropriate unless accompanied by color photos of nude MP's.
Royally,
Prince Phillip
P.S. Get on with Flipper, you bastards!
Hey FLIP-PER! FLIP-PER! Help us FLIPPER! We've foolishly gone riding our
windsurfers into the middle of hurricane Camile! FLIP-P.. There he is!
FLIPPER! HEY! Nevermind the other dolphin! HELP US!.. You can get some LATER!
YOU STUPID DOLPHIN! WE'RE GONNA DROWN DAMNIT! GO AHEAD! FUCK YOUR BRAINS
OUT! WE DIE AND THAT'S THE END OF THE FISH! YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE FISHIES!
Think about THAT you stupid dolphin! No more free meals! Why didn't we get
a dog? Or a horse? Or something that could come outta the water? It's not
like we could take him to Show-and-Tell or anything! DAMNIT FLIPPER! . . .
And now, Steve's Madness!! (oh gawd..)
I'm not a loadie
I don't know why
Not 'cause I'm shy
But to comply
With the hungry urge
To slurge
And get eaten
or beaten or cretin
To the pipe with bowls
Packed not with Skoals
But the wonderful weed
Without the seed
Can you dig it
When you take a hit
And your Purple maze
Falls to a Haze
Of camping trips
Of sailing ships
Of Lochness land
of my old man
Of my old man?
I'd Better hide
My pipe
I drove to San Jose the other day and was surprised to find not me but my
neighbor sitting on the grass eating a fig. I asked him why. He said,
"Because of the wonderfully great Social Standing I achieve. I can
become anything I want just by eating this here fig. Why, my good man, I
can give you a thousand reasons why eating this fig here can help you get
taller, or have longer hair, or to wonder about bicycles. Do bicycles in
fact have any grapefruits hanging from their spokes? Well, one would have
to assume that bicycles with such extremeties would eventually condescend
the moral conduct that everyone well respects and deserves when we trip hard."
I was disconcerted, to say the least.
There will not be an article for Jews.
#54 An Article for Jews
An Article for Jews
Hey there you bloody twit! Can't your read!? This isn't an article for Jews.
Dump-da-da-da-TA!
It's
Bowling for REPO-MEN.
Announcer: "Yes folks, time now once again for Bowling for Repo-men.
Our three-day returning champion with total winnings of $4500, 2
repo-men and a button-nose, please welcome Mr. David Beatmymeat from
Pilsbury. Welcome back David."
David: "Uh, yeah. Hi. My names David and I have a wife and three
kids who work in a button factory."
Announcer: "Our challenger today on Bowling for Repo-men is a young
securities clerk from Boston. He is currently not employed and is
spending time doing research in the Pacific Ocean studying the
reproductive activity of dust-mites, welcome Bob Grabmedong from Sussex."
Bob: "I gave at the office."
Announcer: "Are the two contestants ready?"
David: (affirmative nod)
Bob: (raises hand)
Announcer: (a little annoyed) "uh....Yes, Bob?"
Bob: "Are we going to have to raise our hand every time we have a question?"
Announcer: ". . . . . . . I don't think thats going to be necessary Bob.
Since both of you seem ready, let's start _Round One_ of Bowling for
Repo-men!"
(mild applause from audience)
(Bob and Dave take their positions in their lanes on the bowling alley.)
Announcer: "Our first question is to you, David since you are our returning
champion. David, for $30 and a chance at bowling, who once ate three
crates of spam after smoking 5 bowls of marijuana, and threw up into a vat
of living whale sperm leaving Jane Fonda to clean up the mess?
David: "Uh, was it, ..uh... oh, uh, was it"
(audience claps)
Announcer: "Thats exactly right, David! You earn $30 and get to make your
first `bowl' of the evening."
(David grasps bowling ball and prepares to bowl)
Announcer: "Now, David, if you can hit that repo man sitting on his
crotch over there by the Space Invaders machine, you get to keep him."
David: "Yeah! . . ."
(David appears serious as he bowls the ball across the aisle into the
games section and pegs a big black dude with a .45 hanging off his belt)
(audience gasps in horror)
Announcer: "ooooOOOooooo David.. thats not good. You forgot our
original (possibly) useful advice that bowlers should NEVER bowl for
repo men that carry (possibly) harmful projectile weapons. Now David,
you must dodge the repo-man's bullets or lose the $30 and the rest of
your life. Good luck!"
(announcer takes out a small kazoo from his shirt pocket and hums into it)
David: "Holy SHIT!"
(big black dude starts chasin David all over the alley screamin' and
shootin' and a scuffing up the bowling alley. Now we all know that
the management don' like them boys to be a roughin' it and a toughin'
it and generally scuffin' up the bowlin' alley, so we had the big
black dude suspended.)
Announcer: "And now a word from your sponsor."
'Toilet paper is fun to wrap yourself in,' and other great tunes can now be
heard on this all expense paid vacation trip to Maui for RENTING OUR CAR.
Yes, rent our car now and you will be eligible. I mean, who wouldn't?
.. Who? .. Never heard of him. You just can't pass up this tremendous offer.
(quiets down)
Good evening. Tonight we present a series of films for culture lovers
entitled 'How to eat bologna without getting it in your hair,' Parts One
through Eleven, sponsored by Jim's Rubber Clothing. Part one commences
almost immediately.
(shuts up .. person eating sandwich appears on screen)
Wasn't that wonderful. Part two commences almost soon enough, but first,
a word from these messages.
"Greetings folks. Today is National Diversity week. The day when you can go
outside and eat a frog and not feel guilty about it. The cost is only
$19.95 and you can even pay in stamps. So go on outside today, right now,
this instant, and eat a frog. Completely free, only partially immoral, and
wholly improper! So don't miss this once-in-a-weekend opportunity to eat a
frog, guilt-free, on National Diversity week. Try one, today! (gives big grin)
-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.
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