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Revelation on the Way of the Rat
by The Compulsive Splicer
The Revelation unto Saint Splicer
I put pen to paper here to introduce you to the Way of the Rat. My
experiences below will help you understand more clearly the universe, and
our part within it. We see ourselves as small and powerless and invent gods
that are large and powerful. I come unto you to dispell these myths, that
we all may see ourselves as we truly are. I write to you a myth that has
substance as strong as the myths we have come to know through the teachings
of our forebearers, but comes through a truth far more important than the
petty truths of human myth. It all began...
As I slept one warm night in June many years ago, I was sent a vision,
the likes of which I had never laid my eyes upon, and Lords above and below
willing, may never lay my eyes upon again. It came upon me as a dream, but
with such lucidity I have never experienced. I was lost in the Great Abyss
of darkness, no footing below nor ceiling above. I had no means to propel
myself forward or back, and no means to determine the proper path had I been
able to throw myself away from the spot I inhabited. I was unable even to
see my hand in front of my face, although I could most clearly feel and
control my movements. A most hideous mocking laughter filled my ears, and
it was difficult to think clearly for the sound of it.
I was naked but not cold as I thrashed about fitfully in vain attempt
to remove myself from this loathsome place. My efforts were fruitless and I
found myself even more misdirected than I had began; I could not remember to
right myself to the position I had begun in, and may have turned completely
upside-down four or five times, or even more, before I came to rest,
exhausted. The laughter rang on from all directions, amused at my attempts,
if it was indeed myself that it was intended for.
"Fiends!" I cried, "Devils! What would you have me do? Why do you
mock and jeer at my plight?" The laughing doubled in volume. The creatures
found me very entertaining. But then a word came to my lips, that I had
never spoken before, but which you are now familiar with. I whispered
simply, "Omnibot."
The silence rang out. My malefactors were apparanly stunned to the
bone, and the laughing ceased immediately.
A strong, deep voice, but one filled with awe and hesitation asked of me,
"What dost thou seek, traveller? and why needst thou invoke the Evil Ones?"
I was not impressed by the respect that I had not been granted as a
lost soul, and though I still was helpless and naked, I said again, more
loudly, the word that I knew not the meaning of, that had shocked the fiends
into silence not but a moment ago. I spoke clearly from my throat,
"Omnibot."
A chorus of startled gasps rose from my newfound audience. Several
voices pleaded with me to stop, others found voice to threaten me. But
seeing that they were powerless to carry out their threats, I spoke out
again, "Omnibot," and something inside of me added onto that, "Two
thousand."
There was a great screaming of unknown terror as I completed my words,
and a wind rose from my body in all directions. I found it difficult to
breathe for one short moment, and then the screaming faded, down to the
barest whisper. I remained angered despite my surprise, but the
transpirations of the next moment caused me almost to forget the voices, I
was so overwhelmed.
An illumination came over the space, like the light of a strong lamp
through a very thick fog. I squinted through the fog to see two small
figures approaching me upon all fours. As they moved near to me, I could
make out that they had a form not unlike rabbits; and when they spoke they
spoke in unison with voices like thousands of tiny bells modulated to create
human voice: "Hello, traveller. We have come to show you The Way. We
apologise for taking you from your sleep unawares, but there is much to be
done and so little time... so little time."
"But what is happening?" I cried, "and why am I in this land without
any land? And..."
"Silence!" They chastised, and the harshness of their voices set me
aback, "You must follow our instruction if you are to find The Way."
I spoke no more.
"You will be shown things none have been allowed to see before, and
none will be allowed to see again. When you return to your life, you will
be the wiser for your travelling. You will be given a new name to preach
the knowledge imparted to you, and you will keep your old name so that you
may walk among the mortals without fear."
"Why have I been chosen for..."
"You must learn to control yourself," they spoke firmly, but without
menace. I was silent. "All will be revealed in time. You must go to find
the path, but fear not, for the power of the Pigs That Once Walked goes with
you, and you shall be protected from harm."
I let their words sink in and found gravity beneath my feet. I fell
away from the light, away from the Twin Rabbits, into the ever-darkening
void below me.
I awoke with a start. I was in a room with a man who looked very
familiar. He looked at me with loving eyes. His shaggy hair was hidden
under a white cloth wrapped around his head in the manner of Aunt Jemima's
bandana, but with the knot in the back, and he had a thin beard. He wore a
flowing off-white robe and spoke very gently: "Welcome."
"Where am I?" I asked, aware immediately of the obviousness of the
question.
The man smiled and offered me a cup of hot tea with some sugar. I
gratefully accepted and sipped at it. He spoke again. "I am here to show
you the way to the path you seek. This is a place we can call paradise, if
you wish, but we will tarry here only as long as it takes you to replenish
yourself." He reached into a small bag and produced several large
toadstools. He gave me three and told me to eat. I put them in my mouth
and chewed. They had little taste at all, and had a consistency somwhat
between Elmer's glue and chalk dust. I swallowed, and took a gulp of tea.
I watched as he placed the smaller of the mushrooms into a chamber at the
top of a flask filled with a green fluid. He put a candle to the chamber
and inhaled on a long piece of tube. When his lungs were filled, he
motioned for me to do the same.
I did, and handed the flask back to him when my lungs were filled. He
handed me a cigarette and I put it behind my ear. As I exhaled the smoke
that had come from the green-water flask, the man spoke.
"You have passed from your place of origin, through the Great Abyss,
where you were confronted by a horde of the Screaming Lifeforms. They are
petty creatures that do little else but try their very best to annoy and
upset any other creature they can, including those from their own ranks.
They are basically powerless to those who know what they truly are. One of
the Fossil Pigs bade you to speak the words you did, and sent to you the
Evil Twin Bunnies to dispatch the Screaming Lifeforms and direct you to me.
You can call upon the Evil Twin Bunnies at any time when you are in conflict
with the Screaming Lifeforms, for that is their purpose; The Evil Twin
Bunnies were created by the collective power of the Fossil Pigs solely to
destroy the Screaming Lifeorms."
"Why are they named Evil?" I asked as I took the cigarette from behind
my ear. I lighted it with the candle as he continued.
"It is a joke."
"A joke?" I nearly swallowed the cigarette as I interrupted my new
friend.
"Yes. The Fossil Pigs believe that there is no absolute good or evil.
Thus they named their creations in opposition to their own beliefs of the
nature of the creation. The Screaming Lifeforms agree with their given
name," he laughed and pulled more smoke from the flask. He handed it over
to me and I inhaled as he continued, the smoke bubbling through the green
liquid and up into my lungs. "Now I should not tell you any more than this.
There are many gods in the universe, some more powerful than others. The
Fossil Pigs are but nine of an uncountable number of gods. You have been
chosen to spread the word of the Fossil Pigs, and find for yourself the Way.
I cannot show you the Way, and it would do you little good if I could. You
have a long journey ahead of you. Do you feel strong?"
I nodded although truthfully I was more than slightly overwhelmed. My
host stood up, and for the first time, I got a good look at his hands.
There were half-inch diameter holes in each palm, through all the way so one
could see the light of day through them. I must have gasped, as he put his
hands behind his back. He led me to a doorand gave me the cloth from his
head. "Wear this at all times; it is my gift to you. You must go now, and
unfortunately I cannot come with you. But wear this upon your head and
remember what we have spoken of. Fear not, for although you are mortal, the
gods you will meet have little more power than you. Their displays may be
ostentatious, but they can do little to harm you unless many of them work in
concert, as the Fossil Pigs do. And gods are not generally like-minded;
They will combine forces to accomplish things very rarely. Now go, and may
the Fossil Pigs bless you mightily!"
The doorway opened for me to pass. I looked at my host and he gestured
with his head for me to enter, his hair flowing down onto his shoulders now.
I bade him farewell and left.
As I stepped through the doorway, My senses reeled with the realization
that I was where I did not belong. I had entered into a grand hall,
decorated richly with a milky pearlescent metal that produced a light evenly
about the hall. All around the hall were creatures of different sizes and
shapes. They seemed to be arguing amongst themselves, and despite the
formality of the great hall, their behavior was downright crude and
uncivilized. I saw a cube of Jell-o in a heated arguement with an old man
with a long white beard. I saw something that looked straight out of a
Lovecraft novel wearing a tuxedo who seemed to be making a pass at a
clamshell. There were so many strange and different things in this hall
that I can not begin to describe them here.
I did make the realization that disturbed me: these things were the
gods of the universe, or some of them, if they were truly uncountable.
There was a loud pounding, and the gods fell quiet. A voice told me to
sit and there was a boy in an usher's cap pointing to a sign that read "No
Smoking in the hall." The boy showed me an ash can and then took me to an
empty seat where I would have a view of what was to come. I sat and a loud
voice boomed out through the hall:
"Let the meeting come to order." There was, far on the other side of
the hall, a very tall two-legged thing, but with many arms, holding a gavel
in one hand. It appeared to be male, and had the head of a beautiful young
man, almost androgynous in his beauty. He fixed his eyes on me for a
moment, and whispered something to a being at the next table, who whispered
back into his ear. He stood straight again, and looked again at me, then
smiled and went on with the business of gods.
I do not understand what went from there. They used language I did not
understand, but that seemed to be english to me, as if I was at a meeting of
neurosurgeons, where english was being spoken, but where words flew around
my head as if it were greek.
The beautiful god with the many arms said something that made another
upset, and it commenced to stand out on the floor of the hall, shouting
accustions and insults. The hall shook with its insults as it stood proudly
in the center of the floor, its long mane of black hair being brushed from
its face periodically. It broke into a long rhetoric, at the end of which
it paused, and the whole hall shook with the thundrous silence. The
beautiful, many-armed one looked tired and displeased. He adjourned the
meeting, and the gods of the universe began to disappear, some bidding the
others farewell, some removing themselves without a word, until there were
only myself, the many-armed beautiful one, and the god on the floor, who had
now turned away from the beautiful god so that I could now see him more
clearly. His face held a look of sheer malice; it was a human face, very
pale and thin. He wore a jacket of highly polished leather, with low boots
to match. A dark grey shirt was buttoned to the collar, and he wore well-
tailored black trousers. A large ruby was upon a finger of his left hand.
He spun upon his heel and shouted at the fair-eyes god in a language I did
not recognize. The floor shook mightily, and the chairs and tables around
the hall bounced up and down nervously.
The many armed one spoke, his face expressionless but his voice
thundrous. Again, nothing I could hear was recgnized as any human language.
The dark-haired one rose his arms quickly, and the floor split beneath his
feet. A horde of things like armadillos with leathery wings sprang up
around his feet, which were now floating where the floor once had been.
"Just like you to cause property damage," The many armed one said, and
the split ceased to grow. The armadillo beasts flew around the beautiful
god, biting at him and defecating upon him. He swatted at them with his
many arms, sending them flying across the hall. I was cowering now in the
corner, watching from behind a table that I hoped would shield me from
flying armadillos. The many armed one reached out with one sinewy arm and
snatched an armadillo beast from the air, and threw it at the dark haired
one. It disappeared entirely before it could strike its master, squealing
as it dissolved into thin air. This infuriated the pale one, and he shouted
obscenities rapidly. The swarm of armadillos converged at once upon the
beautiful one, covering him entirely. I, remembering what I had been told,
ventured near the crack in the floor of the hall, and looked down. The
chasm seemed to go forever into darkness. The ground shook again and I fell
into the crack.
I fell for several minutes, screaming at first, but noting that I may
fall for all eternity without hitting anything, I commenced to watch the
walls of the chasm. Just as complete boredom was about to set in, a rush of
hot air came from beneath, and my descent was slowed. I looked down into
the hot wind and saw a floor approaching. The wind grew in intensity as I
fell, slowly stopping my descent. I fell into a heap of garbage bags.
Looking around, I saw I had come into an alleyway. There was no chasm
above me anymore. I stood and brushed myself off. A swarm of armadillo
creatures flew down from above and then swooped up to avoid the ground. I
heard a thud behind me, and swirled around to find the pale, dark haired
one, cursing and spitting. He saw me looking at him and greeted me, bowing
deeply at the waist.
"Good afternoon," he said, "welcome to the City with no Sun. You're
the Traveller, I presume." I nodded dumbly and he continued, "Well, we'll
have to get you some clothes if you're to find your way around. Here, for
the moment, take my jacket..." He slid out of the jacket and I thanked him,
finding that the jacket was long enough that it covered my nakedness. "Come
with me. I am... oh, shit. Who am I?"
"What can you mean?" I asked, trying to be polite, "how can you not
know who you are?"
He smiled sardonically at me and said "I have many names. I am trying
to think of one you may know me as..." His brow knitted for a moment and
then his visage brightened. "Ah, yes... Lux Adferre, I believe? My latin is
a little rusty... No." he said, "what was their name for the morning star?
That planet?"
I suggested Venus, and he waved it away... "No, no that's what you call
it... well, shit. Just call me Nick. That's what everyone calls me,
here... Do you have a name, traveller?" I told him my name and he said,
"Ah, well, that will have to be changed. Tell me, how did you come to Our
City?"
I told him of watching the battle and of falling into the crack in the
floor. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "Very sorry. I would have arranged a tour for
you if you'd just said something." He laughed. "Yeah, what an uptight
bastard. He probably would have shown you around some boring place. But
come! we have places to see and people to meet! And," he added, "we have to
find you something to wear. Where did you get that cloth on your head... It
looks like something the Nazerene would wear."
I told him that I thought that it was. Nick looked surprised. We
climbed into his car, which was parked nearby, a cherry red Alfa
convertable, with its top down, and he said, "I never thought to see it
again. He and I haven't been on very friendly terms ever since that thing
with the crucifix... he never could take a joke." He started the car and we
drove through the streets.
The architecture in this City With No Sun was like nothing I had ever
seen. Fantastic towers spiralled up into the sky; walkways went across my
vision miles up. But the streets were like any other city, although the
inhabitants all were similar to my new host. Tall, thin, pale, with hair
that cascaded down to their shoulders in dark, straight locks. Many looked
at me with hungry eyes, although they were clearly no danger to me in the
car.
"Are these all Gods in your city?" I asked.
"Oh, no... These are my subjects, my children..." Nick laughed a short
laugh, "although they are most certainly immortal. This is a city of... how
do you say? Blood-drinkers." He looked over at me, smiling.
I must have blanched for he continued immediately, "Oh, worry not...
you will come to no harm here, as long as you are my guest. None of these,"
He waved a pale hand out at the world around us, "would dare."
We came to a small store, where my host parked, and we went inside. He
picked clothes out for me, guaging my sizes with a keen eye, and bought for
me the most elegant of silks to clothe myself in, all black and red, but
suggested that I keep the cloth on my head. He said that it was "fitting."
When we left, he asked the purpose of my travelling. I said that I was
to "Find the Way."
"What way?" asked he.
"I couldn't say," said I, "The way of the Fossil Pigs, perhaps...
perhaps just The Way."
"Well, I must then show you The Way. It is written somewhere that a
Traveller would come here, and join two rats with each other. If you can do
this, then it is your destiny to find your way. But be warned, that it may
be only your way home..."
I nodded and we drove to a large mansion, a victorian building three
stories high, but as long almost, as the eye could see. This was Nick's
abode, and as we entered, servants approached us bringing wine and fruit.
"Some friends of mine will be here soon. And they perhaps will entertain
you. In the meantime," He disappeared into another room for a moment, and
came back with two large rats, "We will see if you are the traveller that
was written of, wherever it was that I read it"
I looked at the rats in his hands. They were each the size of a small
cat. He offered them to me, and they squirmed in my grasp, although I held
two fingers beneath each one's chin so that they would not be able to bite
me. I looked at them, and wondered how I was supposed to join them
together. But then it came to me, something I had learned in the Boy
Scouts, long ago. I asked for a knife. My host obliged, placing it before
me upon the table. I asked that Nick hold down the rats upon the table so
that they would not be able to move. He supposed that it was not "against
the rules" to have help with something like this. He laughed softly to
himself.
When the rats were secure to the table, I carefully cut the tail of one
up it's length, and then again, so that the tip flayed into four parts. Rat
blood spurted onto the table and the rat squealed. I did not listen as I
did the same to the second rat. Blood was flowing all over from the muscle
and cartilege at the end of their tails, and I grasped each tail and placed
together the ends, for I intended to splice them together as one would two
lengths of rope. When I had finished, the rats were inseperable, and pulled
against each other in a futile attempt to scurry away in opposing
directions.
A servant bought me a wet towel to clean my hands with, and I thanked
him. My host grinned at me. "You are indeed the one," he said, "Come! let
us eat, before my guests arrive, for they have little appetite for fruit and
wine."
After a delicious snack, the gests began to arrive. They mostly eyed me
cautiously, as my appearance must have been quite unusual. Nick introduced
me to the vamipires as his "very good friend The Ratsplicer" with a little
laugh. Most of the vampires thought the story of the joining of the rats
was amusing, but even more amusing was the sight of them scurrying around
trying to get away from each other. It turned out that vampires do not
smoke, for the most part, but Nick said that he thought that he could find a
pack somewhere and laughed. "Camels, right?"
"Straights. Yup." and Nick disappeared. A vampire woman came up to
me. She was tall, and quite thin, and her skin was as white as new-fallen
snow.
"So you're the one in the book Nick keeps talking about," she said, her
voice rich and deep. "We've all been wondering if you would ever really show
up, or if this book was just another one of Nick's stories. He says he read
it a long time ago and lent the copy to his roommate, but never got it
back."
"That's happened to me, to be sure..." I ventured, "Perhaps his story
is not all that implausible."
"No. Not at all." The vampire woman's eyes trailed down, then back to
meet my gaze. "Come," she said, "I will show you what you seek."
"But," I protested, "Even I know not what I seek. How can..."
She interrupted me: "I know what you want." Her sleek index finger slid
across her lower lip. I was beginning to think that she might indeed be
right. At that moment, however, my host arrived with a pack of Camels.
"I must apologize," he began, "I could only find filtered Camels."
"That's all right," I said, still deep in the eyes of the vampire
woman. But I broke her stare and looked at Nick, "They won't kill me as
fast." I took the pack, and pulled out a cigarette. My need for the smoke
was strong at this point. The vampire woman took Nick aside for a moment as
I lit the cigarette with a silver Zippo inscribed "RatSplicer." I realized
that perhaps this was not all as haphazard as it had appeared. How odd that
gods would be catering to me, addressing me as equal, as... perhaps they
might accept an embassador.
Nick and the vampire returned, and Nick handed me the keys to his car.
I was indeed surprised! "Take Tanja," he said, pausing for a fleeting
moment, "for a ride. She has sights to show you, but I would prefer that
you drive."
We drove through the city as quickly as I dared, Tanja urging me
faster. In retrospect, even if there were speed limits to be observed (an
unlikely assumption considering the nature of the inhabitants) no one would
dare question or stop the car I was in. There seemed to be no other cars in
the city, but I still was uncertain at the speeds I was driving, whether we
might find ourselves wrapped around the corner of one of these magnificent
buildings. Presently a wall was in the path of the automobile, with an open
gate barely large enough to allow passage. The vampire woman pointed to it,
her hair whipping around her head like some halo of black snakes. The car
went through with scant inches on either side.
I was unprepared for the dark on the other side of the wall, which now
eclipsed the lights of the city. I could not see for a moment, even to find
the switch for the headlights, which I had not needed under the lamps of the
city. When I finally found the switch for the headlamps, they shone forward
to a high seacliff. The tires squealed like a wounded banshee as I turned
sharply to avoid plunging to the depths I could not see. The car
fishtailed, bringing the rear end too far around, and I pushed the wheel
back into the direction of the skid. The car regained grip on the road with
three wheels, my right rear tire spinning in air. I took the wheel back
left, and felt the back end drop out from under me. The front end rose and
the car rolled into the inky abyss.
The car was flung far out from the cliffs and I felt myself fall out of
my seat. The car fell for several seconds, tumbling down through the
blackness, before it burst into flames, stopped on the rocks and beach below
me. I fell, feeling the air whip past me and the vertigo clouding my head.
I felt lips at my mouth. I kissed them fiercely, and touched the hair
that fell in my face. I pulled away for a short moment and found the
vampire woman looking into my now-opened eyes, smiling mysteriously. She
said, "What? did you think me an angel come to deliver you to heaven from
certain death?"
"No," I said, my mouth dry, "When one's life seems at it's end, and
there are the lips of a beautiful vampire chick to be kissed... one may as
well die happy." I looked down at the flaming remains of Nick's car beneath
my feet. It seemed hours ago that I had fallen from the car. My head
swirled with thoughts that rushed in and out like the tide, and she kissed
me tenderly. I responded with unknown passion, and we made exquisite love
as we floated above the flaming wreckage.
I shall not bore you with the details of our passion. Be it known that
it surpassed sex I had had with any human, her body supple and limber and
strong, her hands caressing me with care and sensuousness I had not known.
As I began to feel ecstacy rise and pound within me, and I felt that
the finish was near, she, with a muffled cry, bit at me. This was not a
love-nibble or nip. My blood flowed into her waiting mouth in spurts, as my
seed did the same, exploding into her womb. The combination I cannot
describe, for I was overwhelmed so that I lost my tenuous grip on
conciousness.
I awoke shortly, not certain if I had actually slept, or if my mind had
simply slipped out of gear and plunged into darkness as had Nick's car. I
was in Tanja's arms, and she gazed into my half opened eyes, smiling that
mysterious smile of hers. There was a light above, blue-white, piercing. I
looked up at it, it enticing me to float up to it. Below were flames,
pulling me down, licking at my ankles and suckling at my toes. Tanja spoke
to me:
"You must pass through Heaven and Hell, and come back unscathed and
pure. Remember that the Fossil Pigs watch you and wait for you to crawl
upon the razor's edge of sanity so that you may go back from whence you
came, and that you may show the Way of the Rat to others who will follow you
and scurry about like the Two That Are One in bliss as well as pain.
"Remember as well, when you return, that there are many like you, and
like I, who will know the truth and seek you out, for you have partaken in
knowledge..." She paused, seeming a bit amused with herself, "That none
mortal before you has." She kissed my lips and threw my body upward before
I could protest.
I found myself humbled before the blinding light. There were voices in
my head, not those of the Screaming Lifeforms, but those of all beings alive
or dead. For one split moment, I fused with all life, animal, vegetable,
mineral and spiritual. I saw through the eyes of the hunter as well as the
kill, and of the lover as well as the loved. My body became
inconsequential, as did my soul, in the midst of All Else. I lashed out at
the light and took hold of it, it burning my palms as I blinded my eyes wih
it before my face, and bit.
I bit hard, my teeth sinking deep into the light, and in a few
mouthfuls, it was gone.
All Else was gone, and I no longer was suspended by it's pull. I flew
to what had been down, although up and down seemed not to be at issue. I
had certain control of my self now, and of my movements. The flames rushed
up to meet me and they showed me their wisdom, as the light had.
I was supreme and had full power over all that surrounded me. None
questioned my will, least of all the flames of Hell, which rose even more
powerful by my command. Armies rose to do my bidding, armies of dead souls
armed with the swords of clear diamond and teeth of purest gold. I
inherited the mantle of power, and should break, crumble and wreak
destruction upon all that stood in my way.
I puked on this.
The digested light poured from my mouth onto the flames, and in liquid
chunks Heaven flew from me screaming into Hell.
Hell didn't take too kindly to it either.
And they were both gone in an instant. I was left with my toes curled
around an edge of metal. I knelt down and felt the rusty blade, then
dropped upon my stomach and pushed my way along, licking at the rust and
dirt that covered My Path.
I remember very little after this, although I should tell you that I
have been pure and right since the morning I awoke untainted by the fear of
Heaven and the yearning for Hell.
Take this tale as truth or as folly as you wish, but remember that it's
power transcends mere fact or fiction. It is The Way of The Rat, and cannot
be trifled into the roles of veracity or of lie. It is Your Way as much as
it is Mine, it is the Way of the followers of the Fossil Pigs and it will
never be Frank Sinatra's way.
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