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Sacred Erisian High Mass
Sacred Erisian High Mass
of the
Krispy Kreme Kabal
designed by the Reverend DM Psiqosys
*****
LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass contains mystical secrets of
an order previously unknown to this piece of paper. LET IT BE
KNOWN that this Mass is of the Highest Order and the Inner Circle
and the Upper Echelon, and as such should be reproduced in full or
in part only by those who wish to do so.
LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass may be performed by five
persons, provided those five persons are willing to perform. The
five officiating ritualists are referred to by the following
titles: High Holy Boss of Religion, Great Overseer of Forbidden
Arcana, Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms, Most
Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard, and Head Enchilada of
Miscellany. Collectively, the five officiating ritualists are
second in power only to Goddess Herself, or to any members of the
congregation present at the Mass. To save space, the five
officiating ritualists shall henceforth be referred to as simply
#1, #2, etc.
ACT I: The Climactic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion
(all members of the congregation mob around the altar and
receive communion of Orange juice, dispensed by #2, and Donuts
(preferably jelly), dispensed by #3. As each congregant receives
their portion of the Hostess, they should place their minds into a
meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess, or
another member of the congregation.)
#5: And Goddess spake: "And when you, my children, have
wandered through the night and grown hungry, you shall
behold the holy beacon of the donut shop, wherein thou
shalt consume donuts in my name."
#4: "And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which
abound at such all-night eateries, for they too seek my
glory, though they find it not solely through the rites
of eating donuts."
#1: "But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the
Golden Apple, and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup
which flows from within."
#5: "For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of
KALLISTI, for they do not understand Greek!"
#4: "And if you, my child, understand Greek, make sure you
use some (ahem) protection!"
(Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent,
depending on how ugly the crowd gets, until everyone has taken
communion.)
ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess
#1: We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in
order that we might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris.
#2: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#3: Holy Queen of Outer Space!
#4: Leading Lady of This Place!
#4: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#5: Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos!
#3: Hail Eris!
All: All Hail Discordia!
ACT III: The Sacred Litany
All: I say, my dog has no nose!
#2: No nose?!? How does he smell?!?
All: Bloody awful!
#1: LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD!
#4: LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC!
#3: LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is
difficult to pronounce!
All: And that's the fact, Jack!
ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection
#5: And Goddess spoke, saying "I just flew in from Nirvana".
#2: And boy, was that a noisy airplane!
#4: And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon
found ineffable bliss.
#1: And boy, were his arms tired!
#3: Let the simulated crowd noise commence!
All: Watermelon cantelope watermelon cantelope (etc. etc.)
ACT V: THE MALEVOLENT BENEDICTION AND SPEWING FORTH OF THE
HOLY LAWS
#2: (shouting over the simulated crowd noise): And when
Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized
they lacked direction.
#3: And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the
confused hordes, and gave them the twenty-three
commandments!
(#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise
immediately ceases.)
#1: Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinnertime!
All: Or not!
#4: Thou shalt worship worship worship idols!
All: Or not!
#5: Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain!
All: And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?!?!?
#3: Thou shalt drink beer and listen to old Black Sabbath
albums!
All: Or not!
#2: If participating in the three-legged race at the next
family reunion, strive for Honorable Mention!
All: Or not!
#1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY! (x5)
All: Get serious!
#4: Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood!
All: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeez?!?
#2: Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas. Thou shalt go
around stealing people in the face for no particular
reason.
All: I think not!
#3: Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in
hopes of seeing thine next-door neighbor.
All: Agreed!
#1: Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this
sentence aloud.
All: Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer!
#5: And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to
receive more, send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box
not eligible to VISA or Mastercard owners. Allow $23.93
for delivery, C.O.D's void with your complementary gift.
All: Thank you all, and have a nice day!
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