I’ll first preface this by saying that there certainly are toxic parent and in-law behaviors that aren’t excusable, but this post will focus mostly on the traditional healthy input of parents into a relationship and its breakdown.
The “mother in law” is a common trope in media. Mostly, it’s the new modern day “womyn” wife who is consistently at odds with her traditional mother in law. The annoying mother in law is always telling her son that “she’s no good for you” and always trying to get the new wife to learn to cook or clean. Much laughs are had because this old-fashioned hag has no idea how women in the 21st century are supposed to behave.
Let’s take a look at who this mother in law is. In terms of this context she is usually a traditional woman who married young and raised her children well, while keeping the nuclear family she created in tact. She’s usually the last of a dying traditional breed, or some sort of immigrant to the West. Family is her life. She gets pleasure from providing a good meal from her kids, or seeing them succeed with the good morals and values she instilled in them. She’s still with her husband and is a good wife, and hopes to be a good grandmother as well. This is a woman who managed to overcome her biology, and once married, became a dutiful wife, generally removing herself from situations where she would even be tempted to stray from her family. However, having been a young single girl once herself, and from her female peers at that time and since, she is fully aware of the dangers of female hypergamy. Even if she started dating her now husband after the sexual revolution, she generally has kept pre-revolution values.
Enter this new woman that her son starts bringing around. Just from the stock of women that are available to choose nowadays, she’s probably immediately noticeable as a disappointment to the mother. She doesn’t have a chaste or feminine demeanor, she’s not shy about the fact that she’s had ex-boyfriends, she seems to have no interest in being the type of wife that will keep a respectable home. Immediately the soon-to-be mother in law’s ears perk up. This is a type of woman that used to be a rare undesirable breed when she was growing up, but now her son is bringing this into her home?
Time passes, the new girlfriend nags with phrases like “Why does your mom hate me?” and “I feel like your parent’s never accept me”, but generally the guy is enough of a beta to try to please both sides, bending over backwards to accommodate this new woman, and they eventually marry. However, the point of view of the mother in law cannot be simply thrown away, I think understanding the root of this meme, this punchline, is key to what is happening in society. In general, this type of polite disapproval is coming from a woman who has nothing to gain by competing with young girls. She’s not jealous, she’s not trying to get a more alpha man. She’s a woman herself who has avoided the CC (although is was more normal to avoid it in her day) and knows what women who have ridden it are capable of. She’s just trying to avoid her son from poisoning the well with a 21st century modern day womyn.
In fact, easy acceptance by family has turned into something of a red flag for me. It’s become almost a taboo in Western society for parents to voice any concerns or disapproval on their kid’s boyfriends or girlfriends. “If he’s good enough for her, and she likes him, he’s good enough for me”. In my experience, do you know who is most “instantly accepting” of you as a potential boyfriend? Single mothers, trashy families, parents used to “turnover” or “churn” from dating or divorce in their extended family or friend’s dating lives. You should get an idea that they expect some permanence out of a relationship. A good father will want a man who dates his daughter to ring the doorbell, introduce himself, and be invited over for a meal eventually if dating continues. I once had a plate who told me that a guy had never done that for her. Every single one had sat in the car and texted “Here”. Of course she was a slut with a self reported n-count over 30 (I’m not kidding) but that’s the type of behavior a girl like her with a family like hers tolerates.
Families should want to know who you are. If you’re eventually invited to family vacations (again, this happening too early is a bit of a red flag) it’s a good sign if her father politely explains that he’d prefer you two sleep in separate rooms or beds. They will want to thoroughly vet you, and they should. Likewise, if you have an intact family, you should want a girl to accept being “vetted” on some level, knowing that her behavior will clearly make her suitable as being accepted by your family. We are entering uncharted territories with the general filth that is out there for dating, and I believe that if you chose to take the risk of LTRs, a slow “proving process”, a strong filter, is necessary to make sure that the woman is worthy of you.