TLDR: Let my emotions get the better of me, lost major frame but finally experienced the importance one of the beliefs touted around here and it clicked.
Been lurking for a while and honestly TRP sans the hate and anger is one of the most refreshing things that I read. It is nice to be part of a community that honors men’s values and experiences and gives us information and a goal to work towards. Among these of course is the time-honored creed to hold frame and not argue. This rant/pseudo-field report is specifically aimed at those of us who are more beta and/or at the beginning of our quest for self-improvement.
A little bit about me: I’ve been with this girl since high school. I am of Indian (red dot) descent and fairly tall but could stand to lose a good deal of fat. Not obese but cutting never hurt anyone (lift gentlemen!) I started life painfully beta and to be honest I still exhibit some beta traits and catch myself doing them but have been indoctrinated so long I don’t even stop myself. Big problem, I know, working on it. This past year I have been working on myself and my goals more and have finally gotten the balls to go from drawing lines in the sand to erecting concrete walls of boundaries and expectations that she knows to follow. All in all, light dread game and confidence worked wonders.
This past week I went to go visit my girlfriend of 5 years. Naturally the sex was dirty kinky and a lot of fun, and everything else fell in place. She had no problems following my lead and even confessed to hating the fact that she enjoyed being “my domesticated girl” as if it somehow was contradictory to her feminist principles. Makes sense, if the dick is good she will work to keep it. Everything is swell and dandy, no fights great sex, dinner made and she treating me to outings and whatnot.
On TRP we are told to keep track of our LTRs/plates cycle. I made a mistake and the latter half of my visit was during her time. Obviously her emotions are all over the place, she’s whining a lot more, complaining more, snapping more, the whole nine yards. I let her know that being on her period might be annoying but it is no excuse for acting like a bitch and she was annoyed but admitted I was right. After this minor victory I conceded and Betazlebub reared its ugly head and I started being more passive and more accepting of her nonsense. On the one side it was good because when she would become flippant or aggressive I would either pacify her or tease her (comfort test/shit test) but in the back of my mind I was like “fuck these double standards. Imagine what would happen if I did/said that“ Anyway, we were drinking and hanging out one night and I playfully brought up the fact that she was being annoying all week and “making my life hell.” Because, it was light-hearted but honest she actually apologized for it. Cool. I should have grown up and left it here.
However, the day I was leaving I let my emotions get the better of me and I told her the same complaints but this time using “I feel x” statements. Shit. Hit. The fan. She got super defensive and aggressive at the same damn time throwing every shit test and insult in the book coupled with some underhanded attacks that were unnecessary. I know what you’re thinking: “you got the apology you idiot why the fuck did you try to get more” or “women don’t respond to logic” yes you are right. And this is what the crux of my field report/rant boils down to. For all those who want an LTR or want to be with a girl (not married…no one can help there) please listen. All that counselor/psychologist crap they spoon-feed you to say “I feel” statements is a bunch of shit. Yeah, sure, its better than going full throttle and just accusing her of being a cunt. If that’s gonna send her to a 10 I feel statements are still gonna spike up that little hamster and get her to at least a 6 or 7. When she hears “I feel like you do x” her next reaction is not “Oh I’m sorry you feel x let me help” its “You deserve it” or some other rationalization that removes all blame from herself. Even your perfect unicorn is going to rationalize and defend herself. And in this process of rationalization that fucking hamster is going to paint you as the bad guy. You’re the guy that made her FEEEEL like she was mean but that’s nigh on impossible she could never be mean! Your feelings are her feelings; her feelings are her feelings. You do not have your own feelings in an argument or even a discussion. You, as a man, cannot logically explain your emotions to her.
Honestly, there’s a lot that I could’ve changed. I should have not even brought up the topic especially when I already got my apology: I was greedy. I should not have gotten emotional and accused her of things in the past I should have just dealt with it, saddled up, and not let her effect me. Outcome independence is a key concept that I know I must embrace but it’s the one that I struggle with the most in my LTR. Outside, it’s easy, since IDGAF I just say what I want and do what I want, being a big dude helps too but in my relationship I have fear of the unknown and I need to conquer it. I know personally I have come a long way but this episode has showed me how much further I still need to go. The road is long and arduous but we from boys made of clay we become men carved from wood. Thanks brothers and good luck.
Lessons Learned:
1. Your special snowflake unicorn is not that unique, especially when it comes to defending herself
2. When emotions are involved you will ALWAYS be the bad guy; she has no way of understanding otherwise
3. Hold frame. Never argue. Never let your emotions get the better of you.
4. If your emotions aren’t valid during the argument then don’t let your emotions start an argument
5. You can get away with a lot more than you think if you keep things light hearted and teasing
6. Always give her the good D and be cognizant of her cycle. Work it to your advantage not your demise.
7. Lift. Eat. Dread. Sleep. Repeat
8. Outcome independence is the goal boys. I have a ways to go but like we are told, work on yourself and know that you are the treasure.
