One thing about being humans is that we don’t have relationships that last our lifetime. The closest that we could ever possibly come to that is if we were born with a twin and died at the exact same time as our twin. Your parents will most likely die decades before you. Your older siblings knew a world without you, or you without them if you are the elder. Friends and lovers will come and go. All of is will change as we grow older. What we term a successful marriage is when one partner leaves the other at the same time they end their travels between the eternities. In truth, this is the most stressful life event that will ever happen to the other partner.
Science tells us that every seven years or so, every cell in our body is replaced. If that isn’t a very literal way of saying that you aren’t the same person you were seven years ago, I don’t know what would be.
With time, everyone’s tastes and desires change. Relationships change. If two people in a relationship are at a point where they share the same interests and enjoy spending time together, we generally would refer to them as growing together. If they no longer enjoy each other’s company or their interests have significantly diverged they could be said to be growing apart.
No person that really wants to end a relationship that they have emotionally invested themselves into. The deeper the emotional (and possibly financial) investment, the more unwilling we are to let go of that relationship.
We have all had friendships and these usually form along the lines of location, interests, and personalities. As people change, develop new interests, and move, these friendships drift apart. Pretty much all of the 30 and above folks can tell you of a good friend they haven’t spoken with in years because life has gotten in the way. There usually isn’t a very deep ego investment in your friendships.
In a LTR, and even moreso in a marriage, there is a deep emotional investment in the other person. LTR romantic relationships rely on codependence to some level. It is satisfying to one partner’s ego to see the other partner delighted from their company or actions. If they are in a phase of life where they are growing together, this is wonderful. It means they will each, at least mostly, meet the needs of the other.
If they are in a phase where they are growing apart, one of two things can happen. That little bit of healthy codependence might motivate them to realign and continue growing together being the (usually) the preferred outcome. Alternatively, they will continue to grow apart until the partners no longer able to meet each other’s needs.
The thing about this deep emotionally invested relationship where the two grow far apart is that this investment can keep the relationship going far past it’s expiration date. Why do people remain in LTRs where they aren’t happy and can’t remember the last time they were? They are emotionally invested in the relationship. Why do men stay in loveless, sexless marriages? Emotional investment and justifiable fear of what they will lose. (I think the laws need to be far more equitable, especially in terms of child custody.)
Note: All of the above is out the window in terms of an abuse or addiction situation, usually the best option is to cut and run. If that isn’t possible, the situation still must be dealt with directly and harshly.
Modern, state sanctioned, marriage is a corporate contract and nothing more. Speak with any corporate lawyer and he will advise that in the event that you are forming a corporation with partners that you write a contract that specifies, in detail, the expected responsibilities of each party, how to make agreements as the corporation evolves and changes, and what each parties rights and responsibilities will be in the event that the corporation is dissolved. In terms of corporate law, this would be referred to as the corporate charter. In terms of modern marriage, this is called a prenuptial agreement. Relationships begin, grow, change, and end. You should understand this. You should only consider marriage with a woman that understands this. You both plan for a successful marriage, but you should both be prepared in case it doesn’t.
I don’t really have a lesson to learn, I just hope to have given the reader something to think about.
