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My Story


This will be a long story, so I suggest you get some tea and prepare yourself.

Before I joined TOTSE (totse.com) I was just normal kid with some fascination for computers, I dreamed of having a career in networks. Always wanted to be a white hat and I did love some attention back then.

I guess it was due to my upbringing. I was born Muslim and yes I got the circumcised treatment without my consent. I had a big family, 11 members including mum and dad. My parents were supportive when I was a kid because I was the youngest which means I get special treatment.

But they were strictly Muslims and followed Islam to the letter in some cases. My Dad thankfully due to some visits to America and China became a bit moderate. He wasn’t religious back when he was 30 or something but around 50 he made a comeback and started investing more time in religion.

I was always close with my parents; my brother and sisters did care for me and yes I have been in many fights with them. Considering I was the youngest, it’s not hard to imagine me getting my ass kicked but thanks to that, I am well trained in fighting with girls.

I use to offer prayers in the Mosque, even lead some prayers and announced the Azan that Trx100 makes fun of whenever we’re on TS. I used to love doing all of that stuff, in some cases I always wanted to die by killing people especially infidels while protecting my loved ones. I guess I was 14 or something back then.

On the education front I was good with science and any subject that were in English. I excelled wherever English was involved, I always hated Arabic and Urdu, it honestly sucks. My family has been moving from one place to another since I was born, due to the nature of my Dad job it was expected for us to move to a new City every two years.

I learned to make friends fast, I learned to cook, wash and practically do everything on my own. While most kids spent time acting like turds I kept to myself and did things alone. I was extremely perverted you have no idea how perverted my sexual fantasies were. But I never acted upon them. Because after all this is Pakistan and if I did something with a girl chances are I would have to marry her or will ruin her life if her future husband finds out she isn’t a virgin.

I guess there was something in my core that always kept me away from bad stuff. It’s hard to explain it but I remembered when I was on TOTSE.com there was a section called My GOD Can Beat the Shit Out Of Your GOD. I always avoided that section because I felt I would go Nazi on Totseans and start fighting because I had a strong Islamic background and reading anything negative about Islam was enough to fire me off. Plus, at that time I joined the community was basically learning stuff.

In short before joining TOTSE I was a kind, religious and open minded guy that has been living in a different society. I did however join an Islamic group that did meditation and Zikar (using repetitive tasks like calling Allah name and inducing yourself in a trance in hope of connecting with ALLAH) and from 1999 to now I am still part of that group although around 2011 I backed off from it.

It’s not that they’re a bad bunch but I can’t keep pretending that I care about them anymore. But thanks to that group I was able to handle TOTSE. I constructed a simple concept that was extremely effective. It’s called Inner Core lock down. I layered my real life into a core and then I protected it with some protection. I could discuss Religion and things without affecting my core beliefs. Like back then you can call any Islamic Religious figure a faggot and it wouldn’t bother me even though if try saying that IRL, you will get a punch from me.

The word immune might fit the bill; I did watch tons of gore and prepared myself to face the music back in 2005. You will notice that you’re reading about a guy that’s keeping up two personalities, one for the Internet the other one for the real world.

From 2005 – 2009 enjoyed the wonders of the Internet and TOTSE. However, the concept I learned from the community weren’t enforced in real life because everything I did on the Internet was hidden and I had a sandbox placed around it. I always told others that you don’t really have a clue who you’re talking to. At night I would be watching some poor guy getting his balls chopped and in the morning I would be acting as if nothing happened and preaching some guy.

My family to this day didn’t have a clue about my Internet voyages.  If they knew I would have been thrown out of the house long ago and might get into some serious trouble. My life was literally changed in Jan 2009 when Totse went out. My Internet was out for 15 days and I always expected Totse to exist forever.

I still remember the horrible feeling of losing it, it was emotionally nerve racking and it hurt like hell. The pain I felt was different, I realized that even with my protection safeguards some part of TOTSE got in and poisoned the core.

2009 -2010 was the year I truly let go, I worked on &Z, I shared and explored and mostly worked on building a community.

I still kept my core lockdown which prevented me from really going down the road. The real change in me came in 2011 when I left &Z and focused on totse.info. I learned a lot from it, connected with different people, worked with others in building something new and unique.

It was hard work, considering English wasn’t my first language and I was literally using an underpowered system and was learning all sorts of things. From HTML to managing systems, don’t get me wrong, I love Tech. I discovered totse.com because I was looking for material related to hacking.

The core that protected was broken down by Totseans. It was in 2011 when DS decided to drop his religion; I decided to do the same. It felt different. I mean consider this, all your life you have this power overlooking you that you love and fear at the same time and in an instant it’s gone. Doesn’t exist anymore, I recall being open about everything, suddenly killing people wasn’t bad, stealing and raping was okay.

In my eyes there was no sin or good deed. Everything was equal. Although I flipped in any instant but didn’t mean I was totally free of it. I still had to pretend I was a Muslim, so I kept the drama going and I still do but now I can be an asshole about it.

I had many pit falls, I had to kick half the community out of totse.info because their mentality wasn’t syncing up. I still miss them but they would leave eventually. Plus, I do have a limit cap, you keep pushing me and I will eventually fight back.  I had to leave my house and I trusted the wrong guy and fall in love with an invalid woman.

The past 5 months have been a joy ride of success and failure. In my eyes it was mostly fail because I got bogged down by work and I was stretched to the limits by Raven who turned out to be the lowest form of scum and his dad who should be shot dead. He broke my trust when he back stabbed me but I kept my cool.

Most of the community members know the story and I am actually glad that I handled it well. I have to thank my Dad for it because he basically told me to leave and move out but the key guys that cooled me down where Chris, Jackson, Jugg, Trx and TDR.

Life is full of surprises, the moment I leave that place, I move in back to my home. I lose fiber connection because it will take an age to get it back here but already have backups in place. I went from a guy living alone with a big house to guy living in his home and having a dedicated office where I can work without anyone bothering me.

In short, it was a win/win situation for me. But life isn’t that simple, I met a girl and for the first time in my whole life I experienced Love. It was amazing, but unfortunately it wouldn’t have lasted even if I wanted it. I discovered something really disturbing inside me. When my core was exposed and I converted it seemed I looked the world from a different angle. Everything around me was new to me again, I felt like a toddler learning what is what, you probably wouldn’t believe me but I am extremely good at changing.

It only takes an instant for me to switch. I could be a guy that would jump in front of a train to save your life or a guy that will stand aside and watch you die. That really scares me. That girl I loved had three kids; she went through hell but kept going on. She fell in love with me and that really surprised me.

How can a girl who has given up on love and sexual pleasures for 7 years completely lose herself for me? I have any amazing personality; I am flexible, really good at mimicking your tastes. You love opera, sure I love it too, you like ice cream, and fruits, dance, killing people anything, and I will like them too. There is no ME in this, I connect with everyone easily.

With her I shared some bits about myself, I knew the love I had for her wouldn’t last long, sooner or later the Totseans in me would take control and logic will prevail. I ended everything with her yesterday when we decided it’s not in our best interest to be together. She kept calling me a flirt, a guy that used her emotionally and some other things. I didn’t respond but it did hurt a bit.

How can you say something to a guy that has acted in a loving manner towards you, how can you point a finger at a guy that went beyond reason to be with you, to take care of your three children and give away his dreams for you. I flipped again, this time from love. Looking back I do think I spoiled her, she saw an amazing guy, one in a million that would love her unconditionally she couldn’t get him.

Her kids were an issue, even though I knew if I tried, things would work out but deep down I knew I wouldn’t be doing her justice. I knew if she pushed me hard enough, I might flip and then she would be in more danger than before. Even though I knew it wouldn’t happen there was a possibility nonetheless. My hopes did go up when she decided she will leave the two eldest with their father. She acted on impulse and fought the kids without thinking.

She like me was protecting her real self with a shell and unfortunately for her, I got through deep due to my ability to listen for long hours. She didn’t even see this guy (Only connected with the IRL guy, not Dfg). I wanted her to see it but she wasn’t really into Technology. I guess that was a good thing. She went back on her words and said she will never part with them and that’s when I knew she isn’t right for me.

With all the talks, I was hoping that she will consider things logically. My love for her faded extremely fast, one day I was in love, the next day I wrote a thread and I got over her in an instant but for her sake I kept up with everything. I did fell in love with her again when she told me she hates religion and I honestly went for her but then I backed off immediately.

I can’t blame her for hating me; I deserve every bit of it. But I do ask myself what if we were together will it make her life better, yes it would but in the long run she will get hurt. Now before everyone pulls the dick card, I should remind you that unlike other guys I mate for life. I am a one woman guy; I always was until I got converted to Totseanism.

TDR told me human beings are NOT monogamous in nature. Considering his experience, it made sense and he was right. I knew deep down, I wouldn’t be with her for long and that’s one of the numerous reasons why I had to back out.

I did tell my parents clearly that if I am NOT going to settle with her, all bets are off. This means I will never marry any Pakistani girl and I will leave this damned Country and seek my future partner someplace else.

Although I do feel terrible leaving her but it couldn’t be helped. I tend to stay in touch with her kids via Skype and help them and motivate them because even with everything it’s in my nature to be helpful, loving and caring and no amount of talk will change that.

So, I have embraced my inner core and molded myself into a different person. From knowledge to love, I experienced life in some limited colors. Now, I plan to meet my totsean family and explore life in a different way.

I am sorry if this was a long read. It’s been an age since I have written something for Totseans. Somewhere in the past few months I lost myself. It took me a while to rediscover my true self. It’s been a harsh journey but I am starting to understand what I am, although I do detest some parts of my real personality but it’s not all that bad.

One thing I am glad about is that I never ever took advantage of her. Not even once I forced myself on her and violated her physical boundaries, even though we badly wanted each other I kept things in control because I still do respect certain things and protecting someone’s womanhood is high on my list.

I still don’t know what I am and what I can do but so far thanks to the love of this community I have been molded into an amazing human being that can connect, feel others pain and is decent enough to help out when they need help.

Well, I do hope I would be able to see the world, I am sure I would get cheated, betrayed and really hurt in future but that’s part of life, one thing I know for sure, Totseans community would always be there for me. Regardless if the website is up or down, the real community isn’t limited to just some web space; it’s based on real people that live their life.

I guess this is a start of my new life.




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