Long read, but I hope someone goes through it. I am supposed to be doing an essay but fuck that… I know you’re reading this. You. Either the guy that’s happy and settled in his life, or the girl who is the same. This isn’t really for you, but you could learn from this. Just change “girl” and “relationship” into whatever you wish to achieve. To those who know me, you will instantly think of words such as “commitment-phobe” and “single for life” when you think of me. I have spent the last 4 years sleeping with random girls and running away from emotional ties, risking friendships, hating myself and cursing why I got like this. Having a lifelong medical condition meant most of my days were spent curled up in bed, on a liquid diet and knowing that no girl would ever want this from a man. it was a vicious circle and suicide attempts were sought – but only a couple of times.
I hate kids who do it for attention. I certainly didn’t, and I am so fucking glad I lived. This is why. I went to College at the age of 16. I had gone to Spain with a mate over the Summer before going to College and had developed my illness. Imagine having food poisoning every day of your life. It’s hell. Anyway, we had a bet on to see who could get laid first. I was a virgin and eventually snapped up a mediocre-looking girl. We dated for a few months but my constant references to &T, Stephanie from Lazytown and the fact I was a n00b at sex just made it fail…plus the fact I detested drunk people. She was one most weekends, and would tell everyone about me and her, making me feel like shit. Her friend was a source of support for me. She would hang around with her boyfriend and I would say “Hi” to her, which then grew to a conversation. I was so jealous of the guys she was with. I hated them. I knew them well and wish I was them, but I knew I wouldn’t be. I resigned myself to this fact and every day I would hope to see her. I worked at a restaurant in the Town where I went to College and I had this girls number. We arranged to meet during our lunch-break and we had some chips, while chatting about College and the future. I didn’t have the balls to tell her how I felt. She only had to look at the tent in my trousers and apron to see how I felt. 30 minutes passed and felt like a few seconds. We walked back to mine and she worked across the road. We said goodbye, but I got a kiss and she went on her way. I returned to the kitchen with the biggest grin, boner and blood pressure ever. My Boss asked who she was and I gave a soppy response. This girl was out of my league and I was over the moon! The next week I ran all the way to her house, about 10 minutes each way, so got to see her for only 10 minutes but it was so worth it. She made me so happy and I would do anything in my power to keep her happy and close. She eventually left College and started dating a guy who was into dealing.
We slowly stopped talking and weeks turned into months, into years. I saw or heard from her a few times in the years that passed, but she was just the one that got away to me. That one shot I had at getting the only girl I loved. I dated 2 other girls during the time I didn’t see or hear from her. It was 4 years. 4 years of heartbreak from other girls and wondering “what if”. I kept telling myself to move on. No point going back but use it for inspiration that you can achieve things. It doesn’t end there. I went to University and met a few girls. Sure, they were fun but had no substance. Get your dick wet and run kinda material, or they just tried to ruin you by whatever means necessary. I met some fucked up females, fellow ToTSEans, Really fucked up. I was the sort of guy that would fuck and run because I would get so depressed after. 5 years of opiate abuse and bitterness at women. It consumed me. I hated couples and wanted to see them gassed. I would play out fucked up scenes in my mind (well, objectively fucked up..not subjectively ) and just had a grudge against anyone who showed public displays of affection, was dating or talked about relationships. I liked my life of getting high, doing work and not having commitments other than my medical ones. They were enough. Anyway, I found the girl on Facebook and got her new number. She was still in touch with a few mutual friends from the college years. She went to my University! The year above, albeit, but still! I didn’t bother trying to find her in my first year and damn do I regret it.
It was a Monday or Tuesday morning where I went to a lecture and sat down. Unpacking my paper pad and pens, taking off my hat and joking with friends I look around. Girls, my mates, the door, the token blind student and his scribe. Hold on. This girl looked just like the one I knew at College. Not as much make-up. No lip ring. I was half-certain it was her, but didn’t want to look an idiot and say anything. We broke the silence somehow and caught up on the 4 years of silence. Turns out she felt exactly the same way. I just never bothered going for the chance I had. instead of bettering the guys she was dating, I just got envious. Instead of trying to impress her I just sat on the sidelines hoping SHE would make the effort. We went for a drive after the lecture, and got into a routine each week. Go for a drive, smoke and kept the physical contact at a minimum. She was still dating that guy. I had always hated him – as well as being jealous. I wouldn’t even picture us fucking in my mind. It didn’t even enter my thoughts as this girl was just never going to be that sort. One day she turned round and kissed me briefly .
The next week it was more. Eventually the 4 years of tension culminated in the best sex I had ever had. A girl I genuinely had feelings for. There was no guilt, depression or urge to swallow a fistful of pills. I could be myself. My pale, skinny, punky-looking self and she was fine with that. We are inseparable now. I have never felt this good. I only thought this euphoria was available in the form of a pill, but apparently not. I don’t think I am in love. I know I am. And I’m not ashamed to say it – especially for a guy that hated women because of a few bad ones. I now wake up to her in my bed, browsing fucked up websites, just like me, and we are like twins – minus the related and looking alike parts. Lesson? Never give up, and never forget. People can and will remember you. Always take that chance and never tar people with the same brush. Happiness is out there, so fucking go for it.
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